I love this photo!

I'm so sorry I couldn't help you. You believed in me. When I said I would fix things- when I said I would help you feel better. I told you I'd help you be able to breathe again. You looked up at me with those brown eyes and said "thank you." You believed me. You were so innocent after your stroke. You had that pure enthusiasm and smile that just warmed everyone's hearts. They all loved you so much at the VA. You were their favorite person. I tried so hard to help you, but in the end, my lack of knowledge and my inability to truly follow my gut, ended up letting you down. I know it's not wise to fully blame myself- but I blame a pretty good chunk on myself. The rest I blame on the VA. I'm not finished. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I'm so lost without you. It's been too painful to write. I try to wrap myself up with the minutiae of everyday life. But now everyday life is becoming a stressor in and of itself with Koi's school and now stupid drama at the "horse house" as you would call it. I have nothing to take my mind off how much I miss you and how empty my life is. I just miss you so much, Dad. I miss my pal, my buddy. I have noone who "gets" me and noone to laugh with. I love you I love you I love you. G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I know it's been so long since I've posted onto your wall. I don't know why, but writing to you is becoming increasingly difficult. I thought it was supposed to get easier. I keep replaying in my mind each day- each month that goes by without you. I keep replaying and regretting my actions. What I should have done- and what I should not have done. I should have made better decisions when you were still here. Hindsight is often 20/20, but in this case, it's not. Although I have regrets, I still do not know what the best course of action would have been. I do know what the course of action me and MK took- was not the one. But we should have done- everything we didn't do, right? I feel so much sorrow and regret. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you so much. MK, Koi and I are coming to visit you again soon. Koi tracks out in three weeks, so you know we'll come to see you when Koi is at home. That way we can come up during the week, although D.C. traffic is still that nightmare that is always was- only worse. Anyhow, I'm going to write Nance real quick and then try and lay down with Koi. Daylight Savings Time is making me so sleepy. I didn't go to sleep until 5am last "night" (or today, rather). I guess I'm lucky it's midnight, eh? You'll be proud of me- I changed the time on the Subaru pretty quickly. I've finally got the hand of it. I love you so much, Dad. I'm so sorry I failed you in so many ways. I try so hard to make you proud of me. Hopefully one day I will. But until then, please know that I live each and every day honoring you and your memory. You are the best Dad in the Universe. And you're right. I do miss you infinitely. I'm sorry for the way I acted and the way I treated you. I hope you can one day forgive me. I can never forgive myself. I love you so much, Dad. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi Dad. I know it's been so long since I've posted on your wall. The truth of the matter is that time is making my grief compounded. Time really doesn't heal all wounds, despite the old saying. As the days go by, I miss you more and more. It becomes too painful to even visit your tribute page, yet alone walk into your room. I had to look in your desk tonight to find an old style dime for Koi's homework. It immediately brought back so many memories- even the smell of your desk is reminiscent of your old roll top desk. I miss everything about you. I want you to know that I am taking care of MK. And I write Aunt Nance almost every day. Sometimes we have periods where we don't write, but we are almost always in contact with one another. Both boys ended up going to Ole Miss and Kim and Stan bought them a condo to share. Kim and Nance are busy going to that condo and furnishing/decorating/stocking the fridge for them. Lucky boys! I wanted to give you an update, because I know you met both of them and you had encouraged Drew to go to WVU. He ended up going to Ole Miss just like Peyton. Anyhow, Nance is Nance- still the same- and she does comfort me when I am very sad and missing you. I posted a picture of me and MK from Friday. You brought the beautiful weather for us because after the rains on Friday, Saturday was beautiful. I was only able to visit with you for an hour and a half because we got such a late start- I guess days of sleep deprivation (and messed up sleep schedules from Koi's track-out) finally caught up with us. We overslept at the hotel, so we only managed on next-day visit (instead of two). But we did have a nice visit. MK re-trimmed the flower arrangement on your marker, although I'm sure the roses won't last but a few days. It's okay, because we will be back very soon, ok? In the meantime, you are among your comrades. But I miss you so very much. The pain just keeps getting worse, and so I end up staying away from your page at night- because I don't wan

I just wanted to let you know that I think about you every day, Dad. Some days it's hard to go on, but I stay strong for Koi. I know you would have wanted that- but more often than not, I just want to give up. I think about all of the decisions I could have made differently, and it's hard to forgive myself. I wish I would have done things differently- maybe you would be here today? I am still angry with the "doctors" who didn't do everything to help you. Your life means so much more than their efforts. I'm still so very angry with them. I'm angry with myself for not pushing them harder. I'm angry with myself for believing them. I would give anything just to see you another minute. I love you to the moon and back. You're the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3

Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are looking really good. Holly stopped by to see you today and wish you a happy Father's Day. Mom, Koi and I will be there in a few weeks to see you, ok? Koi only has two more weeks of school and then we'll be up to visit. I miss you so much. It's still so very painful without you here. I wish so much I had acted differently and been differently with you- kinder, more patient, and just a better person. I was really mean and selfish with you and it's hard to even think about forgiving myself. I can't. I don't think I ever will. I would have done things so differently. I miss you so much. You are truly the best Dad in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3

Yesterday would have been your 54th anniversary. You used to joke "July 13, 1965- the day the music died." You always made me laugh so much. My life is now devoid of all laughter and so much happiness is gone. I'm carrying on for Koi's sake, but I haven't had any meaning in my life since you left us. I hope you are somewhere close to us- free from pain and heartache. I hope you are at peace. I hope to see you one day again. I miss you so much. I wish I would have been kinder to you. I wish I would have made different medical decisions for you. I wish I would have handled so many things differently. It's hard to write without shedding tears- and you know I have to try to hide my tears from Koi or else she'll get so concerned with me. She misses you, too. She will walk by your mancave and peer in- hoping to see you in there. We all look into your mancave and wish you were there. I hope you enjoy your "new" company. MK has decided to start sleeping in there now- ever since we gave away our junky twin beds. Koi and I sleep in MK's room and she's taken your "litter" as you used to call it. I haven't been able to spend as much time in your room, because she's always in there- but your things are just as you left them. I did clean up the bathroom a bit and I did put away the mail. But all of your papers, pictures, chachki's and such- they're all there- just as you left them. They'll stay there forever. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I miss you every minute of every day. Love youse, G Kat <3

Sorry I did not post that pic sooner, Dad. We had a really nice visit with you last weekend, and then we had to rush and get Koi ready to go back to school. Plus, as you know, she ended up getting sick off some pizza when we were there. R****'s luck, right? Some days are just unbearable, thinking how much I miss you. Other days are less unbearable, because I keep busy with the routine. I thought Koi returning to school would make it "easier" for me, but it's done the opposite. I keep thinking about all of the fun things we used to do as a family around this time of year- whether it was Rehoboth trips as a child, or trips to Wrightsville with Koi as a baby. Life is so different now. Mom is old and unable to get around, and she is terribly unhappy (unhappier). She influences so much of my/our lives, and there isn't much I can do about it at this point. Not being able to talk to you, like I always did, really compounds the situation. I walk on eggshells everyday, but I do what you would want me to do- I am respectful of her and try to just live my life. I try to be a good Mother to Koi (you know I try), and I think Koi is growing up nicely. She's put on a lot of weight from puberty, but she is seeing an endocrinologist now (who is a quack) who basically has no answers (and tells me to cut all the sugar out of her diet- well no sh**- that would make anyone lose weight). Anyhow, I love and miss you so much. I am so lonely. I miss my Dawg. I miss talking to you. I regret all the times I passed up going to the movies with you and I regret the way I snapped at you so many times. I know you understand, but it still doesn't make me feel any less of a jerk. I wish I had been nicer to you. Even when you were sick, I was impatient and a jerk. I'm so sorry, Dad. I hope you do find it in your heart to forgive me, although I know you have. I don't know if I can forgive myself. I hope you are around somewhere. I have not felt your presence in awhile. Nance says she talks to you when

Hi Dad. I'm sorry I haven't post in ages. It just doesn't get any easier. If anything, it gets harder as the days become years. September is "our"month- and so every day and night I think about you and how you should still be here. It's just not fair. Life really is a sh** sandwich, isn't it? I can't believe I'm going to be 47 in about 15 minutes. As you would say, "You're pushing fifty." Or rather, "you're in your forty-eighth year." Lol. I miss you like crazy. Not a day or hour goes by where I don't think about you. You're right- I do miss you and I do wish I was kinder to you when you were here. I wish I would have spent more time with you. I wish I would have talked Macs with you and I wish I would have gone to see more movies with you. I still email Aunt Nance frequently. Sometimes we won't talk for a bit, but we always correspond. I guess that's how I keep your memory alive- by talking to her. She's your flesh and blood, and so I feel more connected to you when I talk to her. Anyhow, I don't have anything important to say. I just miss you and I love you so very much. I'll see you one day again, ok? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Until we see each other again.... xoxo G Kat <3 p.s. you are the best Dad in the Universe. <3

Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen

Hi, Dad. It's 1:30am again. Not super late, but Koi is about to fall asleep, so I guess I'll hop into bed with her and cuddle with her a bit. I feel really bad because Glenn called, and I assumed he had nothing to do/nowhere to go today. You know how he always calls on Thanksgiving, and he asks if MK is cooking. I bet he's still dreaming about that stuffing that he'll never get again. So like a fool, I call him back immediately and guess what? He's about to board a plane to Portland, going up to Seattle as well (no idea who is up there cough cough). I can't believe this guy is still mooching off his brother's wives' cooking, being fifty some years old. Get a life. And he is short with me on the phone, impatient and can't wait to hang up. Why call, dude? I hope he gets his one day. It made me sad for Koi because her Dad sucks and I had one of the best Dads in the world. I still don't get how a Dad can walk away from his own child, and I guess having zero relationship with her. I'm sure his view is totally different. He loves playing the victim and it really gets under my skin. I'm sure he still maintains that it's my fault he can't see Koi. Anyhow, he's on his way to Portland and so he hangs up on me. Koi left him a nice "happy Thanksgiving" message for him and then when he called back, I tried to make her say it again, but she is smart. She didn't. Heh. Anyhow, so I am totally bummed about that but I guess we all had a nice day. Tomorrow I'm going to get some bloodwork done and then I'll most likely take Koi to the park, like I did today. Nothing too eventful. I wish I could give her tons of vacations. It's just hard to do when you're alone. Even if you have the money it's impossible to do things like that completely alone. Plus, MK can't stand it when I leave the nest. She goes crazy with jealousy and then goes from zero to sixty and will probably kick me out of the house just for wanting to do something with Koi that doesn't involve her. She's nuts. So I stay at h

Hi, Dad. It's been so long since I've written. I think about you every day and especially at night. I've been really sad and despondent in the evenings when I think of you. On top of things, Koi's much anticipated IEP meeting tomorrow has been abruptly and suddenly cancelled. Fishy, eh? I've been anticipating this meeting b/c I don't think Koi is getting the supports she needs. Her teacher just cancelled the meeting, b/c I had emailed her and told her about some of my concerns. I guess I just should have kept my mouth shut and waited until the meeting before I said a word. Hindsight, right? So now we have to wait for her teacher to let us know when we can meet. Time is of the essence and it's driving me crazy. And now, Koi's sitting in cold water, so I'm boiling water like crazy. I have so much to do in general, like that stuff with the VA, but I need to get Koi's school situation squared away first. I'm not busy, and yet I'm swamped, if that makes any sense. You'd think I'd be busy enough not to be sad all the time, but no dice. I'm sad all the time. I think of you and how much I miss you. It breaks my heart over and over again. It's unbearable, and it's only getting worse. That's why I've stopped writing every night. But I need to start back up again. I don't ever want to slack and stop writing. I don't want you to think I'm forgetting about you. That's impossible. I think about you all the time, each and every day. Missing you consumes me. I want the grief to turn into good memories, but I am not able to do it. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so much.... G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Sorry I didn't write last night. I stayed up until 3am. I started composing what I was going to say to you, but I just didn't have it in me to write it. I was so distraught. I still am. I function throughout the day, but at night, I am consumed with heartbreak and anxiety. I want you to come back so badly. I miss you so much. There is a giant hole in my heart and I'm just going through the motions. Thanks to your Subaru, I was able to drive today to find a McD's for Koi (and me and MK). It was snowing so hard this morning- and it turned to rain. It was pretty easy to drive it, thanks to you teaching me years ago. But not one McDonald's was open We kept driving, and we finally found one in Raleigh. No school tomorrow, of course. You taught me so much, and driving is just another one of many things that you taught me how to do. MK says that stuff like that you have to learn at a young age. Whatever the reason, I'll take it. You are the best Dad in the Universe. It's hard to write you at night. I wait until I'm almost falling asleep, and then I make no sense at what I'm writing. It's the only way I can function, write, and then hang on for another day. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for everything- you've taught me so much. You taught me how to drive, how to pretty much do everything. Most importantly, you taught me how to love unconditionally. And for that I will always be so incredibly grateful. I love you so much, Dad. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. The grief- the pain- the heartache. It's unbearable tonight. I keep thinking about how I was with you after your stroke. I didn't engage with you enough. I was afraid. I talked to you- but I didn't really connect with you. I should have tried harder. I was scared. I didn't know what was going to happen. I was trying to stay positive and task-oriented. I should have just stopped, looked you in the eye, and told you how much I love you. You should not have had that stroke. I am convinced your pace maker surgery was botched. I'm so angry. I can't let it go. I'm going to lay down because it's too painful to stop and think about it. And I can't talk to you tonight w/o thinking about it over and over again. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you. God, I miss you so much. I hate the holidays. Are you around? Please give me a sign if you are. MK says you're always with her. Are you with me? I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well. I don't know where the day went- again. I was supposed to write ya this morning, and I don't know how the day got away from me. I'm soooo sorry. Again. Koi's sick and she had her horseback riding this afternoon. I call it going to the "horse house" just like you used to call it. We're doing a different place this time- no more "Horse and Money" but we're doing "Horses for Hope." They're much better b/c they're smaller and more hands-on. You can feed the horse and be more involved in his/her care. Koi's horse is named "Sienna." She's the biggest, most gentle horse at the farm. The farm's out in Fuquay. You would really like it- much better than the other place. There is also a barn cat- he doesn't scratch or bite like the other cat. His name is "Smokey" and he's a sweetie. I miss you so much, Dad. Everything reminds me of you. I'm really missing you and just wishing so much I could have another day with you. I love you to the moon and back. To be continued- I promise. This time I won't renig... I can just hear you laughing. I miss you so much. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Let's hope Koi is feeling better tomorrow, eh? Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm so beat tonight. It's 11:30pm- where did the night go? Koi is still sick, and I need to get her to bed if I'm going to attempt to send her to school tomorrow. I don't know if she's gonna make it, but nonetheless... please forgive me for not writing tonight, ok? I will write tomorrow morning- I promise. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love and miss you so much. There is a huge hole in my heart. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Guess who is sick- again? Yup- Koi. 🙁 She's got a pretty bad cold, and I don't know how she hung in there all day at school today. Poor thing. Nancy emailed me yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to respond to her until today. She's doing okay- just finished putting up her Christmas decorations and such. I also put up our outdoor Christmas tree that lights up. You bought it four years ago for Koi. I remember you wanted to get her something nice for Christmas, and I wasn't living with all of you that year. It was one of the worst Christmases ever, almost as horrible as last year. I guess we'll have our second Christmas without you this year, and it will be heartbreaking yet again. I'm just so sad, Dad. I'm having a hard time coping with life without you. I love Koi but it's not enough to keep me going. But don't worry- I'll keep at it. I won't do anything stupid. I know you wouldn't want me to do anything like that. You used to tell me *that* was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I guess. But you not being here isn't going to change. I hate it. I'm going to clean the shower and then lay down. I just want to heartache to stop. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well, it's a little bit earlier than last night, but still late (10:40ish). I'm trying to get Koi to sleep, but she's been gassy, ripping farts in the tub and it's been horrible. Ugh! I do want her to get a good night's sleep, but at the same time, I kind of want her to stay awake, just in case (if you know what I mean). I hope her tummy is okay- God knows what she picks up while at school. I have an IEP meeting on the 13th, so I'll be looking for your guidance (and present) somewhere, some way. I don't want you to think I'm only asking you for things, because that's definitely not the way I want to sound. Of course you're my guardian, so I'm going to wish for things, but the one thing I wish for the most, is you. I would give anything in the world to bring you back. I miss you so much, Dad. I can't look at old pictures, or old albums- anything. It's still too fresh and painful. I'm falling asleep. No idea one night I'm wide awake while the other night I'm just falling asleep. I guess I better put Koi to sleep and join her, eh? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Where do the hours go? Where do the days go? Where do the years go? Life is so short. It's so precious. I wish so much I would have spent more time with you. I have so many regrets. Coulda shoulda woulda as you used to say. I feel it, and it burns. I miss you so much. I still regret not going to see one of the last Star Wars movies with you. I know we saw episode VII together, but I wanted to see VIII too. You asked me if it was okay if you could go alone- because I kept stalling. I don't want to blame MK, but it was her fault. It was. She used to get all butt hurt if I would do things w/o her- if I would choose you over her. I knew you were more self-aware and more grounded than her. So that's why I always let her win. And you knew that. I have so much resentment for her. I still do. I wish you were still here. I'm sorry in the end I wasn't very nice to you, either. It was MK's fault. It was. She frustrated me- and she was the cruelest. She loved you but she has a heck of a way of showing it, doesn't she? One day she would feed you soup and the next day she would proclaim that you would have to go into managed care- because she was unable to deal with things. She was a basket case. I kept reassuring her that you would get better. "Give it a year" I would say, and she would shut up. But I was no martyr. I could have been a lot kinder to you. I should have spent more time with you. We kept you at the VA not because we wanted you there- it was because we were scared. We didn't know how to care for you. You staying at a hospital with round the clock nurses gave us peace of mind, knowing someone was always looking out for you (more or less). Big picture- they let you down. They did nothing to help you get back on your feet. I hate them, too. I have so much resentment and despair. I doubt I will ever let it go. Nothing sustains you more than a good hate, right? I love you, Dad. I hate the world but I love you more than anything. I love you to the moon and back.

Hi, Dad. It's been a few days. My sleep schedule has been so wonky lately. Both Koi and I have totally passed out early- and instead of waking up, showering, and then going to bed at 3am- we've opted just to keep sleeping until the next day. Then, we wake up (pretty early), and then shower. That in and of itself, creates a new, equally chaotic, scenario that had trapped us. Today, we are finally going to try to break out of it- we took a shower early today, but then we took another one at night. That way, we can get up in the morning and go about our day, like we usually do- and then shower at night. Anyhow, my goal is to try to get Koi to bed at a reasonable hour, so she doesn't take naps after school (and then sleep through until the next day- but then waking up a bit too early). I know, excuses, excuses, right? Secondly, instead of getting easier- it's getting harder for me to put thoughts into words. I have so many racing thoughts. They all focus around your life, your illness, and your passing. They all involve guilt and responsibility- and failure. Today I keep thinking about the day you had your stroke. I remember you wanted me to take you to the ER early that day. But Koi was in school. I was annoyed with you, because I took you to the ER just one or two days ago (Friday to Saturday maybe- and you had your stroke on a Monday). You called me and you were impatient. You screamed at me to hurry up and get you. I know you didn't mean anything by it- but I was annoyed. So when you wanted me to take you to the ER on Monday, I said to you- if I take you to the ER early- then I will have to leave you there to pick up Koi from school. So I basically said I would prefer to take you in the early evening. That way, I will have picked up Koi, fed her dinner, and then I would have my entire evening free to take you to the ER and stay with you (and bring you home). I feel like had I taken you to the ER earlier, they could have stopped the bleeding or at least slowed it dow

Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I didn't write last night. I ended up taking a nap (Koi did too), which, you know, causes chaos with her (my) sleeping schedule. We were up until 3:30 in the morning. I was so tired- I was almost unable to sleep. I was too wired to compose anything meaningful (not that I ever can), so I knew you'd understand. I fell asleep briefly again this afternoon/early evening. You were in my dream. You were still alive, but sick. You were standing up, but you were being forgetful. I was worried about you- it was you post-stroke, but you were standing. I woke up thinking it was reality. I'm a little shaken by it. Why would I dream about you not being yourself 100%? I don't know. I think I am feeling a lot of anxiety this time of year. This time of year reminds me of you- and the fact that you're not here. I feel like I am partially to blame. Had I taken better care of you? Had I paid for a nursing company to come to our home and give you 24/7 care? I thought I could do it all, and yet I did have to leave you by yourself here and there. I know that bothered you a lot. Luckily you slept during the day, but you were up all night. I used to panic, because you were up all night (often), and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get up and help you or care for you. There is so much guilt, because I really did fail you. I don't want to write about it tonight. It's heartbreaking. I'm not at that point where I can reflect fondly and smile when I think of you. I don't think I ever will. Yes, I do smile when I think of you- especially when I think of something funny you used to say/think. But I think I will forever be heartbroken by the fact you're no longer here. I'll never be okay with it, and I'll never be myself again. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you, Dad. Love, G Kat <3

Lit a candle in memory of Richard Patrick Owen

Hi, Dad. I'm falling asleep- again. I'm going to say g'night and say that I love and miss you. I just want to sleep and forget. This time of night, I always revert back to my feelings- how much that you mean to me. It takes me to that dark place, and then I try to write my way out of my feelings. Tonight- I'm too mentally exhausted to try. I think that Magic 8 Ball (as stupid as it sounds) gave me some hope. Yes, I asked the 8 ball a couple of questions, and it gave me favorable answers. I can just hear you laughing out loud, but I still have hope that you are around on some level. I love you so much, Dad. I love you so much. I'm going to hit the sack and pray for sleep and relief. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day, although today wasn't a total waste. I did get the screen on Koi's iphone fixed. That's something, right? I hope and miss you so very much. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I will never stop loving and missing you. Tomorrow is another day- and I promise to write something meaningful and of substance. I love you so much. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. As usual, it's super late on a Sunday night, so I can't write very much right now. Koi took awhile to do her "business" so I was waiting for hours tonight. She delivered, though... so that's why I'm running a bit late. You know the drill all too well. I was watching something and it totally triggered the day you passed away. I started thinking about how I called 911 too late... how they worked on your for an hour and a half with no success. I really can't bear to think about it. I think about it, and then I start to panic, and then I try to forget about it. It's such an internal conflict. I don't want to forget it, and yet I do want to forget it. It's too traumatizing. And I know- you were the one who suffered the most. I feel so selfish even being upset about it. You're the one who suffered for eight months, and then you believed me when I said it was going to be all right. I believed it was going to be all right. But I can't forgive myself- because I kept reassuring you that you were going to be all right. I was scared, but overall, I did truly believe you were going to get well. I still don't understand to this day how you deteriorated so rapidly. Why did you pass away? The stroke didn't kill you. Why did you succumb to everything else. To this day, I don't understand it. Koi is kind of half-crying. I don't know if she still has a tummy ache, or she's role playing, or some of each. It's hard to tell- she's had a stomach bug for almost two weeks. I can't believe she's still sick. I'm going to try to send her to school tomorrow. I bet the teacher calls me yet again to pick her up. She can't handle Koi. I have a meeting with Koi's teacher in the next week or two (or three). I hope we can come to a resolve. Anyhow, I'm sorry I just can't think of anything meaningful to write tonight. I'm full of emotion and yet I'm mentally exhausted. I don't know why- but I just want to sleep and forget. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Uni

Hi, Dad. I took a nap this morning in your bed, and it felt so comforting. It's one of the only times I feel so close to you. Koi was up all night with a tummy ache, and she had a blow out at 5am this morning. She finally went back to sleep around 9am, and instead of crawling into my bed (and waking her up), I decided to lay down in your bed. It was so nice. I just felt close to you. I was reminded of the times when I was a child and we would cuddle on Saturday mornings. You would always tickle fight me and just horse around. Those were the days. Also, laying in your bed just brings me back to when you use to lay in it. You would complain about the size and how stiff it was. I sleep really well there. I feel protected by you for some reason. I just feel enveloped by you when I lay down there. I'll never get rid of that bed. It's honestly one of the few things I have left of you. I am wondering where your dog tags are. They've got to be somewhere in the house, and I am desperate to find them. I want to have them and put them on display- in my room. I know you used to travel with them, but I know you must have them somewhere. Anyhow, I'm digressing. I'm going to hit the sack, since it's quite late here and I just want the day to end. Like you, I have chest pains tonight. It's scary, isn't it? I'm sure it's indigestion, but it reminds me of you. You used to get serious chest pains. I used to think you were imagining things, and now I realize that you really did have a heart condition. Oh how I have eaten my words. You're right- I do miss you terribly and I wish so much I hadn't rolled my eyes or joked about your illnesses. I wasn't trying to be a jerk. I just didn't want to think about you dying so I brushed it off and made a joke out of it. I'm not saying I wish I had- I just wish I could have realized this earlier. I'm so incredibly sorry. I hope you can one day find it in your heart to forgive me. Anyhow, so I'm pretty depressed at nights, so I guess I'll just hit t

Oh look- someone sent you flowers. You see? People are still thinking about you. You are not forgotten- ever. I don't know if I will ever get over the fact that you're not here. I think about you every minute of every day. Maybe an abnormal amount, eh? But I just can't get over the fact that you're not here. To me, it happened so suddenly. I feel like your passing was unjust and could have been prevented. It makes me sick to my stomach. I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. You were always my inspiration, and you always will be. I snuck away today and got another commemorative piece- this time, for MK, though. Since she was born in the Year of the Tiger, I wanted to get a tiger. I originally wanted a similar style to the dragon (your dragon) on my other leg. But my tattoo guy was a flake and I ended up getting some roses from Lee- the ink guy's Master (he was Lee's apprentice and honestly he sucks). But the dragon is decent. I opted for a Korean tiger- a simpler style, and it looks really good. I'm still not finished getting things that commemorate you. I can't get as much as I'd like to- mainly b/c MK is so against it. I would like to find a drawing of The Hindmost and get that one day. That would so badass. Anyhow, Nancy is emailing me- she went to Ole Miss with Kim to watch a football game and she really had the time of her life. She looks good and she seems happy, even though she complains a lot. I wish so much you were still here. It really upsets me that you're no longer here when your Mom lived a long life and I'm sure Nancy will, too. Your Father lived longer than you did as well. You always told me that life isn't fair, but never did it ring true like now. I am just so angry and feel like your doctors dropped the ball with your care. They didn't do anything after your stroke except call APS on us for what? For caring for you and wanting you to be at home instead of an old folks' home? My regrets are many, but it was never a lack of care. I ge

Hi, Dad. I don't feel so well tonight- not like I'm sick- just tired and a bit sweaty and shaky. Maybe it's hypoglycemia. I'm thirsty, too. Anyhow, I just feel like I need to lay down- moreso than usual. I'm always tired by the time I write you in the evening, and I apologize if my chicken scratchings always sound rushed and halfhearted. I know I sound that way but the truth of the matter is- sometimes it's just too painful to write you. Often, it's helpful and cathartic. But often, it just hurts to dredge up everything I feel- throughout the day- and then I have to put it in writing and make sense of it. I can't make sense of it. I don't want to feel the pain that I do. I emailed Nancy back and forth a few times today and I just cannot stop thinking about you. The holidays always make me think about you- probably because you passed right before the holidays started. I wish so much you would have lived to see another Christmas. I still cannot believe you passed away so quickly. I just don't understand it. Why didn't you get better. I can't help but think the hospital did (or did not) do something to you. Because it doesn't make sense. Why did they discharge you after only one week? Was it something we did? We did everything we were able (or thought we could do). I mean, there was no instruction book on how to care for a loved one. We had no guidance. Why didn't the hospital help us or at least give us some guidance? I have so many unanswered questions. And this time of year, I just cannot stop thinking of you. I know you expected me to call 911 because I told you I did. And the truth of the matter is- I did not call 911 until it was too late. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that. You might still be here today. I just can't stop thinking about everything. I just take medicine at night and hope to pass out. I hate my brain and I hate thinking about it- and how I failed you. I love you so much, Dad. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, but what do I have to be thankf

Hi, Dad. I know it's been what seems like forever since I've written you last. Every night when I sit down and get ready for bed, I start to reflect and think about writing you. And then I keep procrastinating it- because my emotions take me to a very dark place. And writing you forces me to confront those emotions, which is, a great thing. But sometimes I'm just a coward. I don't want to confront my feelings. I want to continue hiding from them. It's much easier to hide from your emotions and substitute the void with activities and sleep. I try to keep busy with mindless things so that I am not forced to think about how painful life is without you here. I miss you so much. I'm still behind. I haven't emailed Koi's attorney (but I do have a great referral). I haven't completed your paperwork- I have one email and one voicemail with guidance. Now it's up to me to follow that guidance (which I will, please have faith). Of course I am feeling sleepy now that I have laundry listed all the things I need to do in the next couple of days. It's not even difficult. Filling out forms always bring anxiety, but it shouldn't. I've been existing every day. Koi's been keeping me busy. This track out has been hard. She's a tween now and her emotions are really up and down. She's quite moody and when she's up- she's up... but when she's down- it's really a desperate situation. Today has been hard. She's been quite cranky and misbehaving. I wish you were here to help me- you always had wonderful advice and perspective. You would know what to say. I can't believe you're not here. I never thought I would be left this way. I lived in denial, despite you preparing me for decades. I'm sorry for not treating you better. I'm sorry for not overtly respecting you (I have always respected you, but I'm afraid I never really acted like I did). I have so many regrets- not just with your health care decisions/actions- but also the way I was with you. I am so sorry for all the insensitive and mean

Merry Christmas, Dad. It was really nice visiting you this weekend. Your wreath looks beautiful. Every single Veteran had a beautifully placed wreath on their respective marker. I don't know how long that must have taken- to have each person honored like that. I have to admit, as much of a Trump fan I am not, I will give him credit where credit is due. It was a wonderful gesture and a beautiful display of loyalty, devotion, and patriotism. I love you more than anything. I miss you terribly. I wish so much you were still here. Even though we had a nice visit, I long for the days where I can reach out and touch you. I miss your laugh, your wicked sense of humor. I miss everything about you. I really did take you for granted, didn't I? I am sorry I was so annoyed with you. I was terrible, wasn't I? I should have showed more gratitude. I hope you knew how much I loved you. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3

I know it's been awhile. The holidays were- and are so difficult. Beginning in August, I start thinking about the ways that I could have made different decisions in my life and those could have prolonged your life. What if I didn't make so many mistakes and we still lived in D.C.? Would you have received better health care (no doubt you would have). As much as we loved this state for the cost of living, you can't put a price on competence. I feel like the VA really did you a disservice (to put it mildly). I wish we were still up in D.C. and you could have gone to Walter Reed or Bethesda. Coulda shoulda woulda, as you would say. I guess it's all moot now (again, what you would say). But these are the things I think about starting in August, which leads up to November 4th and now Christmas and New Year's. You should still be with us- it's only 2020 and you would have been 80 this year. You should still be here. I love and miss you so much. You're the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of when I lay down at night. MK is fine- she's getting older and her mobility is getting less and less. Don't worry- she is doing a great job in limiting our mobility, too. She hates for me and Koi to do anything without her- and yet she can't do anything. So we just sit at home, day in and day out. I take Koi for a long walk in her stroller each and every day, and that is actually a point of contention with us these days. She's always looking for a reason to put me down and guilt me into not walking with Koi. At the end of the day, she feels left out, and she can't stand for me to do anything without her. She's always been this way, and you were always the buffer for me. That, among SO much more, you used to do. You would get Koi her breakfast, and get rid of other things for us as well (you know what I mean). You did so much, and you were right- I do miss you now that you're gone, and yes- I really didn't fully appreciate all that you did for the family.

Love you, Heather- I don't know what our family would do without you. <3

I miss you so much, Dad. I love you so much, and I think about you every minute of every day. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there with you today, but I'm so glad Holly could be there to say hello. I will see you in about a month, ok- as soon as Koi is out of school. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are at peace with your comrades. I wish so much I could see you one more time. One day we'll see each other again. <3

Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I have not written in so long. You know you have been on my mind, day in and day out. I'm now hanging out (texting) an old old friend of mine from high school. Sometimes she will visit Arlington to see her Grandparents, and she will stop by your Marker just to say hello on behalf of me. I hope you don't mind. If MK knew, I think would flip, but then again, everything makes her flip. Don't ask about how *that* is going. But I also wanted to let you know that we finally did get rid of your hospital bed. I am so sorry, as I told her I would never ever get rid of that. Just because a mother can afford lots of furniture that would make the place look pretty, doesn't mean they have any decorating sense. Speaking of- I had to update all of the iphones. That was "fun." They went from 12.3 to 12.3.1 in a matter of days. Koi's phone was giving me trouble, so I took it back in and they replaced Koi's entire iphone screen for free. Yes! Can't beat "free" right? Whew. I'm not making any sense, but I did want to say that I have been thinking about you so much and wondering how much you knew. For example, I hope you know that I was strong and independent, thanks to you. It's all thanks to you. I was hoping I could have returned the favor, based on all the help you have given me over the years- my entire life, really. We only had two good/decent years together after I came home. I just hope you knew how grateful I was for everything that you do. I'll stop, but I have a feeling tomorrow may be another sentimental post lol. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3 ii

I love and miss you so much, Dad. I've been thinking about you a lot lately (as I do always), and I know I don't write you every night anymore, but it's not because I don't think about you. Sometimes it's just too painful to put my thoughts together. I'm still hanging in there, but things just don't matter anymore. I updated our devices to System 12.3. What was the system when you were still with us? 9?10? I remember when System 11 seemed like so far ahead of time. I hate how time goes on, because I don't want it to. Mom wants to call 1-800-JUNK and get rid of your hospital bed, wheelchair, and hoyer lift. I know you didn't even use these things, and these items do not typify your life. They were only here for the last two months and honestly I don't want to remember them. But knowing they were the last items you laid down in/sat in- it makes them sentimental to me. Please give me the strength to either make a decision, or protest MK wanting to take it away. We will never touch your mancave room, though. You already downsized all of the junk out and left nothing but important stuff in there. Nothing has been touched- and nothing ever will be. Your mail is still organized and in piles. One day I may get a filing cabinet and file the mail and documents away, but for now, it's just fine as it is. I often lay down in your bed. If my old mattress gets taken away in the junk truck, I may lay down in your "litter" as you used to call it. I think MK wants to sleep there for awhile until Koi and I get a new bed. We'll see. But I am thinking about you everyday. Often for many many hours out of the day. I miss you so much, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Gosh it's been forever, hasn't it? I'm sorry I haven't written. It's hard to write sometimes, because instead of being cathartic, it's now taking me a place that is difficult for me to cope. Plus, at night, Koi is being kind of high maintenance lately. She is scripting a lot, and is very demanding. She calls for me every minute now- but not because she needs anything- because she wants me to say what she tells me to say. It's called a "verbal ritual" and she's always had them (it's like being a stage mother, remember?) It's just off the chain lately and by the evenings- when I usually write you- I am thoroughly exhausted and honestly a bit annoyed. It's hard to cope with when you're tired. I know, I know- I shouldn't be saying these things, but I am far from perfect. I found the "solution"- I left her view so she can't order me to say things lol. But she's smarter than I am- she turned off the water and now she can hear me type. She's a "smart feller" as you would say! As you know, MK was in the hospital last week. She had a small bowel obstruction and I guess she seems to be okay now. Boy oh boy- is she taking care of herself now. She wants to live forever. It's slightly annoying. Now, we are no longer eating out. She instructed me all the foods to buy so she (or I) can cook at home now- and get this- it's all the foods you loved (minus the beef). So now we eat canned beans (green beans), boxed mash potatoes, and cup of noodles soup (the real cheap kind). Oh and she eats pudding and Jel-lo. She literally wants to live forever. She thinks by eating mushy foods now, she won't get another obstruction. The doctor/nurses say some of it is hereditary- or if you have a history of small intestine issues- you are more prone to get them again. Christ- here she is again. She's in the kitchen. I was hiding from everyone in the house, making Koi her hot water. MK comes in the kitchen because she wants "something sweet." She has literally been eating all day ever sin

I love and miss you so much, Dad. Sorry I have not posted in forever- first I was sick with a cold, and then... well, I've been so depressed. It's hard for me to carry on sometimes. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Sometimes I am just paralyzed with grief. It's often too painful to even write, as crazy as that sounds. I keep replaying all of your last moments in my mind, over and over again. I just wanted to post on your wall, light this candle, and let you know how much I truly love and miss everything about you. I'm sorry I wasn't nicer- I'm sorry we teased each other so much. I hope you know it was all in jest, and I love you from the bottom of my heart. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. It's been a few days. I'm really sorry about that. I wait until the end of the day to write. And then time gets away from me, I get sad thinking of you, and then I just fall asleep, because I want the pain to go away. We'll be coming to see you this weekend. I can't wait. Last weekend was "Wreaths Across America" where thousands of volunteers laid wreaths for every single marker at Arlington National Cemetery. Amazing. A girl I went to high school with was a volunteer and she took a picture of your marker for me. I was really touched. Her name is Holly. I hope you don't mind her visiting you now and again. She visits you occasionally in order to take pictures of you- for me. She sends them to me. MK doesn't like the idea, so aside from that one time, I don't tell her that she does it. MK says it's a sacred place and not just anyone deserves to go there. But Holly has family who are buried there. I'm not sure if it's an uncle- or her father- but she goes almost every weekend. That's what I would do if I lived there. I wish so much I lived closer. I want to be closer to you. For now, visits will have to do, I suppose. I put cheap plastic candy canes (ten total) that line our walkway this year. I just got them at Walgreens. I also put up the outdoor tree you bought for Koi a few years back- you know, it's white and twinkles multicolor lights. It's beautiful and makes me think of you. I also put up that projection thing- it doesn't move anymore, but it just shines red and green lights on our door. I also have another light projection that spins around. All in all we have a few Christmas decorations going on. This year, I bought cheap red ribbon and tied bows around the outdoor garage lights and the mailbox. I hope you like it. Christmas always reminds me of you so much. I also put up the tree on Sunday. I'll post a pic for you. It's kind of pathetic. We bought a white tree last year b/c I guess the small green tree was getting old. It looks ok. I had to buy ne

Hi, Dad. I miss you so much. That firm got back to me- they left me a message, but I can't bring myself to listen to it. I know what it says b/c I read the transcript. They can't help. They don't want to help. That's fine. I will keep going. I'll keep reaching out, but if I can't get help- I'll just do it myself. Jerks. If we win- watch them come out of the woodwork to try to help. Just forget them. Their secretary did give me the name of somebody (or some entity) that may be able to help. I'll listen to them tomorrow, ok? I had to take Koi to a birthday party today. She had fun, despite an earlier hiccup (by the trampoline place- they told me there was no party- we were the first ones there- but they were wrong, of course). Anyhow, it's been a long, long day. It's 2am and please please wish me luck tomorrow. I have a Patkar appt. tomorrow, but I'm also stopping off, well, you know. Please let this happen. It's the only thing that brings me joy. Please let MK not be upset with me when I come home. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the universe. Love youse, G Kat <3

Happy New Year, Dad. I miss you so much. Nothing is the same without you. It's just another day, right? But nonetheless, I still think about you- every minute of every day. It's late. I'm going to lay down and try to forget the huge hole in my heart. I don't think I'll ever reach the point where I can focus on the good memories of you. To me, you belong here- for much longer than you were able to stay. Life ain't fair, right? But it doesn't mean I have to like or accept it. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I hope you are somewhere. I love you so much. Love, G Kat <3

Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I miss you so much, Dad. I can't believe you're not here. In many ways it seems like forever, and in many ways it seems like just yesterday. I don't know which one is better- or worse. When I open up the refrigerator, your water bottles are still there. Your insulin is still there. I can't bring myself to throw it away. I can't bring myself to throw away anything. I want everything around me. I want to be surrounded by your things. In some strange way it comforts me. I guess most people are the opposite. But I don't want to erase you. I want to keep everything you touched. Your shampoo is unmoved- exactly where you put in the last time you showered- probably March 4th or 5th of 2017. I know you weren't feeling well those days. You went to the hospital just the day before. Why didn't I take you to the ER when you asked me to. I made you wait until I picked up Koi and brought her home. I thought you were going to be okay. I thought I could devote more time to taking you if I picked up Koi and left her at home with MK. But I should have taken you that day at noon, when you first asked me to. I hate myself. I'll never forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I have to go to bed before I go down this path again and start with the "what ifs" that now mean nothing. They mean something to me- but I know to you, it means nothing- because I didn't do those things. I should have taken you to the ER when you first asked. I should have called 911 when you first asked me to- the day you died. I told you they were coming, but I didn't yet call. MK was so worried about being embarrassed. I wanted to make sure you were really in need of medical attention before I called. Can you believe how stupid I am? I should have called the second you asked me to. God, I made so many mistakes. I'm going to lay down in order to try to escape the pain. I love you to the moon and back. I'm a fool. Please forgive me, Dad. I'm suffering here with

I love you, Dad. I just wrote Nance. I need to get Koi to bed, but I wanted to light a candle and let you know that I've been thinking about you all day. I love and miss you tremendously. The holidays just aren't a joyous occasion anymore- nor will they ever be. I love you to the moon and back. I hope you are somewhere, not in pain, happy, and proud of me. Okay, you don't have to be proud of me- I just hope you are somewhere. I miss you so much, Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3

Merry Christmas, Dad. I just put all of Koi's presents under the tree. You'd be proud of me. You used to be the best Santa in the world. You would wrap all of my gifts with such care. You would eat the cookies I would lay out for you. You'd always write me a note. I used to wonder why Santa's handwriting resembled yours so much 😉 I chalked it up to "all good guys have the same handwriting." I loved the magic you created. I'm trying to replicate a bit of that magic with Koi, although I am not sure if I can pull it off. Either way, she'll have a few toys. Nothing like the Christmases you used to give me. I had such a blessed childhood. I'm only now realizing this. I'm sorry I never told you how grateful I am for you and how much you mean to me. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you more than anything. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3

Love you so much, Dad. I'll be seeing you tomorrow, ok? I miss you so much. That'll be my voice talking to you tomorrow. We'll leave early and get to you towards the end of the day (before they close at 5pm). If there is horrible traffic, there is a slight chance we won't make it- so we'll spend the night and see you first thing on Sunday. But let's not think about that. I'll see you tomorrow. And Sunday (we're staying overnight no matter what- about 1 mile away, almost walking distance, at Wainwright Hall, Ft. Myer/Henderson Hall join base- the on base hotel). I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Do you remember the time we were at Rehoboth, and we were walking down the boardwalk. There was a dart/balloon game, and I had asked you if you were good at throwing darts. You never bragged, so how was I to know your aim was impeccable. You paid the $3 or $5- however much it cost for three darts. You said "that's one, that's two, and that's three." Maybe it was four. I remember the thrill of winning a prize. I had never won anything in my life before- and you winning that game was every bit as good as if I had won it. I was able to get my pick of anything- boardwalk games were much more generous back then. Anyhow, I saw a white dog with blue bib overalls. He was mine. I pointed to the dog and so proudly brought him back to our hotel room, and later I brought him home. We named him "Gene the dog." He was the best. You made him talk and he had an older man's voice. You brought life to him, and he was my friend. I miss him and I miss you. I miss all the things you used to do for me and with me. You were my very best friend, and you were always a strong role model to me. I never knew about all your talents. I didn't know you won all those sharpshooter awards while you were ROTC and in the Service. No wonder you used to do the bb guns at the beach and make everything- everything go off. You used to ask me what I wanted to see. I'd tell you, and you would take aim and shoot at it- and it would go off. I miss those days. Those were the good days indeed. I don't think I have given Koi those wonderful carefree days like the ones I had. Maybe we were all more carefree when Koi was younger- like age 3-7. When I got remarried- that put an end to our carefree days. When I came home, I had my issues and your health started to really decline. But we stuck together, and I am so grateful I was able to be with you until the end. But now that you're gone, I have no direction- nowhere to go. Can you give me a sign that you're still with me? I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you

Wish me luck tomorrow, Dad. Think of me and MK when we're in that IEP meeting for Koi. I love you so very much. You are so strong. You are so wise, kind, caring, and perfect. I miss you so much. It's so lonely without you, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I miss your terribly. I'll check in with you later today. I'm going to lay down a bit with Koi and try to get some rest for tomorrow's meeting. I love you so so much. Love, G Kat <3

Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen

p.s. I goofed. That was the first draft of the In Memoriam. Here is the "final" (rough) draft: Words alone will never be able to express how much you are missed. Although your spirit is everlasting, the days are a constant struggle without you. You lit up a room with your smile and sarcasm, and all who knew you were inspired by your joie de vivre. Its been one year, but the days blend and become one giant heartache. We take solace in knowing we will one day meet again. We love you to the moon and back. You are forever missed and never forgotten. Love you so much, Dad- night xoxo

Hi, Dad. How's things? Aunt Nance wrote me and she said a lot of nice things. I sent her the In Memoriam, and she said it was very well written. I know she is being nice, but it is much appreciated. She told me that Linda sent her some pictures that Grandma Raper must have had. Anyhow, Nancy is going to mail these coveted pictures to me! I feel so lucky. I'm so glad you were able to rekindle a relationship with your sister before you left us, Dad. I know she very much cherishes your relationship, and I know you do, too. Anyhow I just wrote an entire paragraph and it made absolutely zero sense. I guess it's been a long day. I've been going all day and I think I am finally crashing. I should put Koi to bed and hit the sack myself. Sorry- today was supposed to be the day where I wrote you a long epistle. I guess it's going to have to be tomorrow. I miss you so much, Dad. I know Nancy worries about me and wishes I was happier. She said you would "die again" if you knew I was seeing a nut doctor lol. But you know I see one, so no surprises. It is what it is. I can't see myself not seeing one for awhile. But if he stops prescribing meds to me, I make stop going. I know he wants to taper me. Anyhow, I need to shut up and hit the sack. I will show you my new mini-tattoo tomorrow, ok? It's just a picture of Wheeling's coordinates. And Arlington's as well. Just something special to me. I got it done as a commemorative thing for your deathiversary. Is that what you call it? It's so hard, Dad. I can't stop thinking about how much I love and miss you. I truly do love you to the moon and back. You are absolutely the best Dad in the Universe. I just miss you so much. I'll continue this tomorrow. Tomorrow, aside from taking Koi horseback riding, will be significantly less hectic. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. It's 1:30- how did that happen? I have to make tonight's post really short, because Koi is still awake, and she has school tomorrow. No doubt she is gonna fall asleep, and then her teacher will ding her yet again for it. She's had a "fell asleep" note in her notebook 3 out of 4 days this week, I think. I'm really frustrated with her class right now. The notebook she brings home focuses on the bad things, and when she has a good day, they just say "good day"- they never go into detail. It's so annoying. I found out that one of her friends got a 1:1 because his parents hired a lawyer and sued the County. That's what you need to do- the County won't listen to parents unless they bring a lawyer into the IEP. It's a shame. Anyhow, I'm tired, so perhaps it's best that I not write on and on about negative things. I miss you so much, and I've been thinking about you a lot. I think about all the mistakes and bad decisions I made regarding your care over and over. I know I dwell on it a lot, but why not. They were life changing decisions, and I feel like I made bad ones. Your doctors made bad ones as well. I wish so much I could bring you back. You deserve to live. And I hate that you aren't here. It's unbearable. I love you so much, Dad. My heart is a giant hole without you here. I feel like my heart breaks over and over each day. Sometimes I focus on the noise of the day just to keep busy and distracted. And at night- that's when my feelings come to the forefront. It's really unbearable. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I will one day see you again. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You're the best Dad in the Universe and I love you immeasurably. Love youse so much, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Aunt Nance sent me the most precious "Dawg collage" of you (and me, too). Words cannot express how much this means to me. Your cousin Linda had these photos and she sent them to Nance. I just hung this collage in your man cave- I retreat to your room each night for just a little bit, depending on how much time I have. If Koi is asleep (and I am awake), I'll spend hours there, watching youtube and relaxing. Most nights, though- I'm so tired and Koi is waiting for me- so I'll say goodnight to you and just take a moment to talk to you. I usually let you know I'm going to write to you on your wall (and then I'm often too tired, like tonight, to really say anything of substance). I hope tomorrow I'll have more energy, since it'll be Saturday. I love and miss you so much. The days do not get any easier. It's as painful today as it was the first day. It's unbearable, so I have to block it out. I miss you so much, Dad. I'll post the collage for you and I'll continue this tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. You're the best Dad in the Universe. I'm just going to sleep, so the pain goes away. I hope things will be better in the morning. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I can't believe it's almost 2am. I am still wide awake, and so is Koi. We woke up early this morning, and we should be tired- but we're not. I need to wake up at a decent hour tomorrow, just cause. I'm going to take Koi to our neighborhood's Halloween party. I can't remember if I took Koi last year. I think I did the year before, but last year it was pretty lame (or maybe that was two years ago). I know this time last year, you were still with us, and if I took her to the party, that means I would have left you at home with MK. Maybe I did so. I know I took Koi to the State Fair- not once, but twice. God, how I regret doing that. I'm sorry I did it. I had so much guilt about not spending enough time with her. But had I known that I would have been robbed out of so many more years with you, I know Koi would have understood my choices to do nothing. I honestly thought you were going to live much longer. Maybe not much longer- but at least five to seven years more. I am still in disbelief that you are not here any more. I'm having a really difficult time accepting the fact that you are gone. We are traveling to Arlington next weekend to see you, Dad. It's going to be so nice visiting you, but it will also be a difficult time. I feel like I am being so selfish, because you are the one who suffered. It wasn't me. And yet, I feel like I am taking all of the "spotlight" inadvertently. I know MK would say "look at me, look at me," but that's not how I am trying to be. I am being honest with my emotions. I miss you so much. And my heart is broken forever without you here. It's hard to wake up and cope with the fact that you're not coming back. MK says she's been having lots of dreams with you in them. I wish you would show up in my dreams. At least I would feel that you are still around on some level. I wish so much you would visit me in some sense. I just yearn to see and feel you again. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are the

Hi, Dad. Remember when I asked you to contact me in some way? Well, I think you helped me today- didn't you? MK's ipod charger finally split- the wires split and it no longer works. She asked me if I could order a new one off Amazon (I did). However, she said that you had one more charger- she remembered seeing it somewhere. So, I started looking around your room (very carefully, don't worry- I didn't mess anything up). Your room is such a wealth of "stuff." At first, I was looking around for my bag of wires, but to no avail- I put all of my extra wires in once place and of course I can't find it. I looked inside your blue polka dot bag and only found a couple of laptop chargers. But, plain as day, staring right in front of me on your desk was... you guessed it- an extra 4th generation ipod charger. Who would thunk, right? What/who caused me to look right in front of me on your desk? Was it you? If it was you, I thank you. I was the hero for the evening- instead of the zero, right? She kept thanking me, but I told her it was you- you are the one who must have instructed me to look for it on your desk. So, anyhow- MK has another charger now and she's all teese. I miss you so much. I can't believe it's almost been a year. It's not any easier. If anything, it's much much harder now. I still am in disbelief that you are not coming back. I don't want to believe it. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think of you. I've been getting a lot of (small) tattoos, as a way of commemorating you and also as a way to just cheer me up. It's the only thing that gets me out of my depression. The bad news- is that MK saw my latest tattoo, well, my second to latest tattoo- and she flipped. She made me promise her not to get any more. So yes- I did sneak out one more time and get a couple of small ones- like the coordinates of your birth place and your place of resting (on my inner arm- I needed to fill up that space, and I thought that was another good idea that will remin

Hi, Dad. Koi is a little emo tonight. She's fluctuates between insane laughter and sobbing. I swear, it's almost as if she's bipolar. I have no idea what is going on with her. So, anyhow, I guess tonight's note has to be short, even though it's actually *early* tonight- only 10p! Woo hoo. Go us. Koi did her business early tonight, which is why we were able to shower earlier than usual. I kind of felt as if I was coming down with something, so I'm glad we showered early. No idea what is going on with her. So much of my parenting operates off of the guilt I feel for letting her down at times. I feel as if in my attempt to relieve the guilt I felt for her, I compromised my time with you. And of course, that guilt is by far worse- because I can never be with you again. I wish so much I didn't take Koi to the Fair twice. Why did I do that? That means I was away from you twice- twice as long, and twice as long you probably wondered where I was. Sure, MK was with you, but she, I felt, just laid there on the couch- in the other room- not even looking at you. I just got really upset over that. I mean, at least sit in the same room as you. I don't understand her- and I never will. I know she loves you so much- in her own way. It is of comfort to me that she was holding your head when you passed away. I promised you someone was coming. And I can't believe I lied like that. Stupid nurses told me you were "fine" with the oxygen at level 2. But you weren't. I did call the EMT's but it was too late. When I told you people were coming- I had not yet called- because I wanted to make sure you really needed help. I can't believe I didn't call sooner. Would they have been able to save you? I don't know. Maybe. There was a good chance- right? Your cardiologist claims no- and if they did save you, you probably would have been on life support. But I don't know. Maybe you would have lived for another week. And that would have been precious to me. And you. I can't think about it too much, o

Hi, Dad. Well, it's the night before Halloween. This time last year, I took Koi around the neighborhood and left you at home with MK. I was quick-ish, and came home right away. That's all I remember- wheeling Koi around the neighborhood for just a little bit. She wasn't too into it, and I just wanted to get home. A lot has changed since last year. Koi has a new stroller, and she loves being wheeled around the neighborhood for indefinite (long) periods of time. But most importantly, my Partner in Crime is no longer here. You were the only person in the world who "got" me and I feel like we both "got" each other. We laughed at each other's jokes, and we generally enjoyed each others' company. The last year of your life was hard- but I'm glad we had some time together. I feel like I should bee been better. And I feel like we should have driven you to the Hospital as soon as you started complaining about feeling sick. I waited too long, and then you had your stroke, and despite you experiencing nothing short than a miracle in your recovery, at that point, it was such an uphill battle. I feel like I could have made your uphill batter a lot smoother, had I made better choices and made better decisions. I am so incredibly sorry, and I can't help feel responsible for your decline and passing. I know you have forgiven me, because you have always been a generous person. But I can't forgive myself. I love and miss you so much, Dad. There is not one day that goes by where I don't think about you. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I better put Koi to sleep, since she is dozing off right in front of me. I know you'' forgive me, when most people would not. But I can't forgive myself. You are the best Dad in the Universe, and I feel so robbed of you in my life. I think about the day I will join you. I think about that a lot. I hope to be reunited with you- will that happen? Are you okay? Will you reach out to me again? I love and miss you so much, Dad. I'm going to rest now, bu

Hi, Dad. Well, tonight was Halloween. It makes me think about Halloween last year- I took Koi around the block, but I came home, and you were there. You were home. I know you went to the ER- I think it was Nov. 2nd. You came home the same night. And then on Nov. 3rd, I sat with you until around 5am. I slept from 5-7am, and woke up to MK talking to you. I keep replaying your last few days over and over again, thinking about all the ways I could have done things differently. I'm going to be seeing you this weekend. I hope that things will go smoothly. Right now, I'm in my own personal turmoil regarding despair and guilt. I feel a genuine sadness and emptiness regarding all the mistakes I made with your care. It's easy to look back with rose colored glasses and focus on all the things we did right. But most of the things we did wrong, including the overall plan of your care. I should have pushed harder for rehab. I don't know why I did. Was it fear? I don't know. Was it laziness? I don't think so. Maybe it was a combination of the two. The fear was regarding MK and her craziness. I deferred to that. And I hate myself for it. I'm so angry with her and I'll probably always resent her for it. I know she loves you in her own way. But the way in which she conducted herself was really difficult for me to make all the decisions I should have. Anyhow. I don't want to go down that path tonight. I'm already really sad and heartbroken. Koi had a decent time tonight, trick or treating around the neighborhood. MK reminded me of the story you used to tell us when you were a kid for Halloween. You could dress up as three characters, so you could go trick or treating at that old woman's house- the one who made gingerbread cookies. Back in the day, noone would ever think about poisoning a kid, right? And this woman would bake gingerbread cookies. You wore your coat over your head for one costume. You wore your coat regularly for another costume. And what did you do for your third cost

Hi, Dad. Well, it's November 1st. Where has the time gone? Actually, the year has gone by painstakingly slow. It seems like ten years. Each day has crawled by. But in general, November seems here very early. I can't believe Christmas is coming up yet again. My heart is just not in it anymore. I remember how you loved it when I still had a bit of holiday spirit. When I used to put up our Charlie Brown Christmas tree, you would always compliment me by saying "and let this be known, she always kept Christmas." Or something like that. I love and miss you so much. I just emailed Nancy- just checking in with her. Your In Memoriam will be run in Sunday's paper. I hope you like it. I'm just so tired tonight. I can't think straight. But i do know that I am so sad and very much miss you. I feel like I am just going through the emotions in life. Koi keeps be going. And I will always check in with you at the end of the day. That keeps ms going too. I took MK to get her new coat hemmed today- at that place in Apex that hemmed her blazer for your Interment ceremony. I liked the seamstress, so we went back. We also tried that place "Yamato" which is a hibachi place you've been wanting to try. It was just okay. It's not owned by Japanese, which is what MK was hoping. Oh well. Anyhow, I just fell asleep, so let me say good night, and I ill write in the morning. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I love you infinitely. Until tomorrow, ok? I love you so much, Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm having Internet problems tonight. I think it's because 1) it's Friday night and 2) it's raining. The combination of the two often causes the Internet to be slow, given we live in a high tech area with lots of high tech neighbors (I know you know what that means). Or, it could just be me- maybe I need up update my computer, although I always do updates as soon as I get a notification. You'd be proud (sort of) with me. I've been maintaining the phones and laptops. And for Christmas, MK said she would pay to have my other laptop restored. You can't beat that, right? Anyhow, I miss you so much. We're getting ready to visit you. It's going to be difficult, but I want to do it- so much. All of us want to see you. It's just hard, because we miss you so much. The pain just doesn't get any easier. Everyone says you learn to live with the grief, but you really don't. It certainly doesn't get any easier, but I do believe you learn how to cope with the day to day. So far, I have not. Today is just as difficult as it was eleven months ago. I can't think about it too much, or else they're have to cart me away. Anyhow, I miss you so much. And I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe, and the Universe isn't as great w/o you here- in it. You are the best Dad and friend anyone could ever have. I'm going to try to lay down for a bit, but I will continue this tomorrow, ok? i loev you so very much, love youse, G Kat <3

I can't believe it's been one year since you've been gone. The days blend together and what's left is a giant gaping hole in my heart. My heart aches and I long to see you, to read your emails to me, to hear your laugh, or to feel your touch. I miss everything about you. I have so many regrets, but one of the biggest ones is the fact that I never really told you how much you mean to me. I wish I did. You saved my life time and time again. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for your unconditional love and unrelenting drive to help me. I wish I could have done better in helping you heal. I feel like I made so many mistakes. I know I did. I wish I would have told you just how important you are to me and how much I love you. I hope you felt some of my love when you were sick. I hope you weren't scared to let go. I hope you knew just how much we love you. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about what I could have done differently and what life would be like if you were still here. I'm not the same person anymore. It's hard to explain, but when you lose someone so important to you, a piece of you dies with that person. You are no longer yourself anymore, but only a fraction of who you once were. I doubt I will ever feel whole again without you by my side. You were my everything, Dad. You were my hero. You are my hero. I love you to the moon and back. You are always in my heart. Always. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Tonight I'm kind of in that dark place, and I'm trying to keep busy, so I don't think about how much I miss you. It's really hard to even get through the day if I think about how much I miss you. I'm just going through the motions today- and tonight. If I stop to think about how a year has gone by w/o you... well, it just brings me to my knees. On top of that, Koi just mumbled that her tummy hurts. She eats too much crap- too much junk food for meals. I suppose that's my fault. She's never liked healthy food, though. I have started cutting up apples for her, though- each and every day she'll eat 1/2 apple (a large honey crisp apple). It's a start, right? She went to the toilet today, so I am not sure why her tummy hurts. At least she gets to sleep in 2 hours tomorrow. It's a 2 hour delay tomorrow b/c it's voting day. I'm going to wear my pin that says I'm voting in honor of a Veteran- you. I know you hated that pin when I got it- but I shall wear it with pride when I go and vote tomorrow. I'm just going to say "good night" and try to fall asleep. It's been an emotionally "blah" an depressing day today. It's been rainy, too. I wish the sun would come out, but you would love the rain. I had a really nice and peaceful visit with you. It's been marred with Koi chanting "no hotel" because she now hates traveling. Little does she know that I intend to visit you very soon again in order to lay a wreath. She really frustrates me sometimes. I know she can't help it- and I know you would understand. But I am coming to visit you again- soon. I'm waiting for the points to attach to MK's hotel card, so we can earn the points and get a free stay (I think we only need one more stay to get a free stay). Anyhow, I love you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I'm going to lay down now and pray for sleep. I want to forget about my life- my life w/o you. I miss you so much. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well, I goofed yesterday and didn't write you. I remembered just as I lay down, and with Koi laying on top of me (lol), I knew you would understand if I decided just to skip it for one night. Actually, I was going to write you first thing in the morning- and of course I completely forgot (or was too out of it in the mornings, like always). Sorry about that. Last night was really hard for me- as are most nights. I'm still thinking about the weekend and the fact that it has been about one year since we lost you. It absolutely does not get any easier. You don't even get used to the idea of your Loved One not being around. The more I think about it, the more crazy I drive myself. I cannot accept the fact that you aren't coming back. I thought about an analogy as to how I feel since you've been gone. I don't feel whole. I'm not even half of a person now. I know it must sound strange- these words coming from your daughter and not your wife. It's not like that. But you were my rock- you were the one person who "got" me. You loved and accepted me unconditionally- even when you disagreed with my cho ices. You never stopped loving me, and I knew this. You were always my confidant and you were always trustworthy to me. I cannot even begin to explain the loss and emptiness of how I feel. But I don't feel like myself anymore. I know your hope is that I move on, and continue to live my life and make something of myself. But I cannot . I can't move on nor do I want to. I never want to forget the impact of what you've given to me- not just as my Father, but as a Friend. Noone could ever replace you. And it's hard to carry on without you in my life. I definitely understand now when you hear stories about people who embark on a downward spiral after losing a loved one. I think if I did not have Koi, I would have joined the ranks of that self-destructive lifestyle. I know Koi is still depending on me and wants me to help her navigate the world around her. So I stick around an

Hey, Dad. 24 hours later... I'm still dragging. It's been a rough week. I'm looking forward to sleeping in a little bit tomorrow (hopefully). Koi has been staying up really late over the last couple of days and as I get older, it's just harder and harder to keep up. This weekend is a three-day weekend. In NC, the kids get Veteran's Day off, which makes no sense (to me at least). Honestly I don't want the day off, because it just gives me free time to think about your many sacrifices and the fact that you are no longer here. It's hard. Harder for you. I wish I could drive up to see you this weekend, too. I just can't with Koi. Traveling is so difficult with her these days. She used to love a long road trip, but now- well. She's very patient and easy in the car. But she hates leaving her comfort zone. It still doesn't stop me from visiting you, but my visits aren't long (one overnight) and I can't drive up as much as I would if it was just me. But MK and I (and Koi) will be driving up again real soon to lay a Christmas wreath by your grave. I do not know when we'll come up- I need to talk to MK about it. But I want to book the room soon. Plus, I think we only have to do one more stay and we will get a free stay because of "points." The catch is- you have to use your free overnight within one year of earning the points. Basically, we need to use the free overnight stay before Feb. 13, 2019. We can do that, and I'm happy about it. Koi will just have to deal with it- she'll be okay. She's young and she's got to learn some resilience. I know a lot of her rigidity has to do with her disability, but we aren't harming her- so she'll be okay. I hate that I can't visit you this weekend. I don't know if the folks at ANC will lay flags by every marker this weekend. I hope so. I wish someone would take a picture for me, but MK is crazy (as you know) and the last time I asked a friend to take a picture of your flag, she flipped out. She thinks it's disrespectful to have random peo

Hey Dad- I'm falling asleep here, so let me write to you in the morning, ok? I love you so very much. I love you to the moon and back. And I miss you terribly, Love, G Kat <3

Dad- I am dozing off bigtime, so I will just say goo- night and I loves you. I dunno why I didn't write earlier today. I had about one hour of sleep b/c Koi had the gravy sh**s last night. She woke up right when I was going to bed. Then, she kicked and tossed and turned for another hour, and then she got up and "boom." I didn't wake up MK and disposed of all the poo on my own. MK still claims she's "exhausted" and she's asleep now. Ugh. Koi's teacher texted me this morning to pick Koi up b/c Koi had her head on her desk and wanted to go home. MK flipped out- she demanded to talk to the Principal and she just went off. I'm glad she did- because she doesn't want to attend the IEP next month, but I'm glad she voiced her opinion. You would be proud. I love you so much, Dawg. I'm in that dark place tonight, so let me just wrap myself in the arms of morpheus and pass out until tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. It's late and I've been doing nothing, since getting out of the shower. Koi fell asleep next to me and I'm still just sitting here, watching stupid stuff on YouTube. I guess my anxiety is high. Koi is farting up a storm and I swear I have PTSD about her spewing diarrhea everywhere. Only you could understand such craziness. You were always with me when Koi was a baby. How many poo-storms did we endure? Remember the green chair I made you take to the dump at six in the morning? Good times. Remember how we used to wake up at three in the morning, with Koi, only to watch Sprout on t.v. and go back to bed at 8am? You always went to the bakery, faithfully, to get Koi her croissants. You were the best Grandpa in the world. The Universe. I miss you so much. Koi eats choco chip cookies still but she's cut out the croissants. I'm kind of glad, b/c puberty has kicked in and she's put on some weight. She looks like me when I was young, I guess 🙁 Anyhow... I love and miss you, Dad. I'll write tomorrow- and not as late. I don't know why I stay up so late and do nothing. I will be hurting tomorrow morning, less than five hours later. Ugh. I wrote Nance, too. She's doing well. She dog sits a lot. I'm glad we're still in touch. Thanks for giving me an extended family, when I had none. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I'm so depressed over the holidays. I think about you and how my life is just a big ball of crap w/o you. You brought me such laughter and love. I miss my best friend. I hope you are around somewhere. MK says she talks to you all the time. I wish I could talk to you. Maybe I lack faith. You used to tell me if I had the faith of a mustard seed, I could move a mountain. I would give anything to see you again. I love you so much, Dad. Until tomorrow, ok? You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I don't know why I am so exhausted. I think I'm mentally drained from doing the exact same thing three days in a row- train (at the strip mall), dinner, and stroller (walk to Walmart or Walgreens at night in the freezing cold, pushing a stroller). I am so beat. It's late- almost 1am, but not as late as it's been the last two nights. But Koi is going to try to go to school tomorrow, so I'm not gonna write a whole lot. When I walk Koi in her stroller late at night, I look up at the stars and think of you. I look for the North Star and think of you. Are you somewhere looking at that same star? At one point you were. What did you think? I know you thought a lot about people who passed before you. Your ancestors. Your Dad, the Inventor. You learned a whole lot of things about your Dad after he passed, and I feel like that is the direction I want to go. But the things about you I just can't learn. Everything is a secret, eh? I mean, what you did isn't in the history books, although it should be. How do I learn about you? MK says you did so much for our Country. But I'll never know the details. You kept your word, your oath, until the very end. I just wish I could pay homage to you in some way. But I can't. I don't know how. Anyhow, I'm going to lay down with Koi and try to just forget about my pain until tomorrow- five hours from now. I love you to the moon and back. I love and miss you so much. You're the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. I'm sorry- I didn't mean to break my promise. I don't think I took too much medicine tonight, but I am feeling like I did.

Hi, Dad. Today was another hectic day where there aren't enough hours. Koi, God love her, sometimes has unrealistic expectations as to what we can do in one day. This is the second day/night in a row, where she's wanted to do a LOT in a small amount of time. We spent the day at the strip mall and we found a bounce house. Turns out, it was a karate shop's holiday party and we crashed it. Then, we went to the bakery for her cookies, and then back to the strip mall so she could ride the holiday train- twice. Then, we went to Chick Fil A, and then home- only to get in the stroller and have me push her (at night) to Walgreens. We got some bath bombs, and then we came home (and then shower and here we are). It's 2:30am! Last night, we were walking around at 10:30 and 11pm! Can you imagine? I don't know how MK lets me do such nonsense, but she does. Granted, last night she called me like a crazed psychotic boyfriend lol, but still- she didn't tell at me. I kind of snapped at her tonight b/c she was pushing me to get Koi out of the tub. I screamed at her- not because I was angry, but just to give her an idea as to how she makes me feel- startled and belittled. The point was missed, and I think I was kind of a jerk to her. I was going to apologize to her but she's sleeping now, so I'll just let it be until tomorrow. I think Koi's tummy is still bugging her. I am staying up a little bit to make sure she still doesn't have the runs. I hope not. Nancy wrote me, but I don't have time to write her back. I feel bad, but I will definitely write her tomorrow. Anyhow, I'm sorry for all the excuses. I've been thinking about you so much lately. I replay our last day together over and over in my mind- and think about what I should have done differently. It's really messing me up. I don't know how to get through it. I don't want to get over it, but I want to be able to not obsess over it. I feel so responsible and like I let you down. I wish so much you were still here so we could talk.

I'm so sorry I didn't write last night. I ended up going to bed super late b/c we left the house super late. I promise I will write when I get home- Koi wants to go out, and I need to take her out at a reasonable (daytime) hour or else MK gets on my back about going out late at night. Love you so much, Dawg. I miss you so much. xoxo G Kat

Hi, Dad. How's things? So I feel like you were sending me a message today- about life and wanting to be in it. I keep saying how I really don't care too much for life at this point. I keep saying that I often feel like I just want to throw in the towel and join you. I know I'm not supposed to say those things, but I've always been honest with you. I miss you so much. So yesterday the Doc was telling me that my WBC count was low. So she repeated some blood tests, and I *thought* I read the results (and I thought I read that my WBC count was low- again). And then I started thinking about worst-case scenarios (like I always do, in life, basically)... and I was pretty much thinking I had cancer and I was going to die. I started thinking about how I would be leaving Koi- and this was not the way I intended on leaving Koi- at least not in this stage of the game. It really got me thinking. And I was wrong. It's not that I have this strong will to live. But rather, I keep thinking how I really need to stick around- if not for me- but for Koi. I don't mean to sound like a martyr... because that is the last thing I am lol. However, I was wrong about thinking that I could just leave at any point in the game. I really do have a duty and obligation to love and care for Koi as long as I can possibly hold on. So I'm sorry if I have been so flippant and negative lately. It negates how precious life is. I know that you had so much life left in you. MK even said today how you should not have had the pacemaker surgery- because, they obviously f'ed it up (we still think this- and it led to your stroke and subsequent downfall). And yet- I encouraged you to get the surgery. I bought into the medical model, and I believed what the doctors told me about "investing in your health." Looking back, it was the worst thing you could have done, eh?I feel so responsible for encouraging you to have the surgery. I could not have been more wrong. You deserved to live so much longer. We were also talk

Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen

Hi, Dad. What a day. Koi has been up since 5:30am. She's had cramping and the runs 🙁 Ugh. They seemed to have stopped in the afternoon, but she hasn't really had a full meal yet. So I don't know if she's 100%- and so I can't, in good conscience, take her to school tomorrow. That also means she'll miss Special Olympics tomorrow, but I guess it'll be okay. The fall one isn't as big of a deal as the spring one. It'll be okay. Hopefully she'll be able to make it on Friday. Anyhow, I hope you doing well. My keyboard isn't really responding to the space bar, so I have to go back and hit the space bar twice- what a pain. I hope my computer doesn't crap out on me- that is just the one thing I do not need right now. I'm really bummed about the Special Olympics thing. I also hope she can still go horseback riding. I don't have an issue with taking her, despite missing school, since it's of therapeutic value. We'll see. I just hope she doesn't poo the bed. Anyhow, I love you, Dad. I miss you so much. I've been cleaning up so much poo today- knee deep in sh** as you would say. But hey- it's a job only a Mom will do, right?I would give anything to care for you again. I wish so much I had poured my heart in it more. I wish I hadn't complained. I wish so much I wasn't afraid. MK wasn't kind and neither was I. I just hope you are now surrounded by love and acceptance. I'm sorry if I could not give it to you. I love you more than anything, and I just wish I could have expressed that more. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well, I sure talked a lot last night, didn't I? MK kind of saw me upset earlier today and for the first time in a long time, she was actually trying to ask me what was the matter. I was finally able to articulate that I just have a lot of regrets regarding the way I treated you and how I didn't spend as much time with you as I should have. I do have a lot of regrets. I regret not actually helping you in a meaningful way when you were ill. I regret not being more patient with you. I regret not spending more time with you when you were well. And I regret not listening to you more and not taking the time to spend quality time with you. I think all of us living together really kind of made me take you for granted. Sometimes I think about all of that stuff and it overwhelms me. So earlier today MK could tell I was upset. She thought it may have been something she did or said, but once I told her it was me missing you, she went back to not caring lol. I took her to H Mart and she stuffed herself with bi bim bap. Same ole MK. She says she's not upset because you're always with her. She says that the two of you have conversations about Koi and her future. I wish I had some conversations with you. She says it's the way she views life and death and I agree. I think I must view it differently and that's why I am in so much despair. I can't exactly change the way I am- I think I'm a lot like you. The last night you were with us, you told me you were afraid. I told your nurse this after you passed away and she told me you said that because the angels visited you and you didn't know who they were. It's strange to think your nurse claims she can see angels when she was the most rational, matter-of-fact kind of person I had ever met. I wish I could have talked to her more, but I did have that one conversation with her. She claims she had been seeing angels the two weeks prior to your passing, and that's how she knew it was coming. And she is convinced you saw the angels an

Hi, Dad. I'm sorry it's been days since I've written. I let one night slip by, because I fell asleep. But then I let last night go, because it was too painful to talk to you. I wanted to write something special for you on Veteran's Day. But I can't. I can't go where my heart is hurting. I can't go to that dark place and pull out the words to express what I am feeling. I just exist day to day, going through the motions. I'm not living- just existing. I don't think I will ever truly live again. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but it's how I'm feeling. I have so many feelings of guilt and self-loathing. When you were sick, I was just going through the motions, too. I have added guilt during that time. I was unable to make smart, educated decisions regarding your care, because I didn't want to think about what was going on. Even then, I was only existing. I tried to stay positive for you, and I also didn't want to address what was really going on. I guess, looking back, you were dying. I thought you would make it. I wanted your illness to end. I wanted you to go back to the way you were. Once you became oxygen dependent, I felt so desperate. I didn't want to keep going myself. Things were getting harder and harder, and I felt more and more desperate. I wanted it all to end- but not to be confused with you. I didn't want you to pass- I wanted your illness to just go away. I kept saying it was no big deal, and we would handle whatever came our way. But in reality, I just wanted life to go back to the way it was. I still want life to go back to the way it was. Our family isn't complete anymore. I don't get along with MK. I walk on eggshells around her, much like we all did before. I know this is terrible to say. But I wish it was her and not you. I don't get along with her and you were the one who I was close to. You were the one I could talk to and be myself. I knew you loved and accepted me. And I don't feel that way at all with MK. She has so much anger and she i

Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen

Hi Dad. It's 4:30am, can you believe it? Koi is STILL awake! I cannot believe it. I keep waiting for her to go to bed, but she is wide awake. So, I'll have to not post a lot, but I will post in the morning, does that sound ok? She was wide awake all day b/c she slept a lot last night- probably like 10 hours. We walked around the neighborhood like 12 times, too. Oh, and Nance emailed me. She is doing fine. We both love and miss you, Dad. I know she misses her brother so much. You are the best bro and the bed Dad in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. I promise I will write tomorrow- and please hold me to it. Also, I need to change the lights in my room. Who designed this house, right? It has the worst ways to change the furnace filters, light bulbs, everything. I keep putting off changing the bulbs, because it's so darn difficult. I'll do it tomorrow- I promise. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you like crazy. I'm looking forward to visiting you soon- in less than a month. I wish I could drive up now- but I am definitely coming soon, ok? I have the hotel booked and everything. I miss you, Dad. I'll write more later today, ok? Love youse so much, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. As usual, I'm exhausted and I really didn't do anything today. Koi and I slept in, but we didn't get to bed until 4:30 in the morning. Yikes. Right now it's "only" 2:30 in the morning. I have to wake up early tomorrow, as we have a garage appt. with the company who fixed your Subaru after the crunch accident. They still need to buff the hood after they painted it, so I don't expect it'll take very long. I wish MK would let me go alone- but she thinks I am a fool and I am the reason why they did such a crap job on fixing the hood (they did). It is pointless to even try to reason with her. I tried to tell her that all garages are crooked, and especially if they find an insurance company that pays willingly- they will exploit that (which they did). She thinks they took advantage of us because I "talked too much." Yeah right. Whatever. You see how terribly I miss you- I mean, not just because you were my Savior from the beast, but you were also my best friend. You still are my best friend. I feel so lost without you. I miss the carefree laughing when you were here. Life isn't the same and it'll never be the same without you. I miss you so much, Dad. Koi is calling for me- she's about to fall asleep, so I'll cut this short yet again. I'm sorry for not writing early today- I have been walking around like a zombie, of course. Tomorrow I pray will be better. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse so much, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm getting better. Sunday we went to bed at 4:30am. Last night- 2:30am, and now- 1:30am. I have to get up early again tomorrow (even earlier) because the appraiser for the ceiling in MK's closet is coming. Fingers crossed that all will go well. And on Wednesday, I'm going to take the car in to hopefully get the windshield patched. Fingers crossed again that they'll be able to patch it- and not have to replace the entire windshield. I love and miss you so much, Dawg. Sorry again for keeping this short. I want to try to put Koi to sleep soon, as I think she isn't feeling so well. She's been saying that she's "not sick" which, of course, usually means she *is* sick. Gotta love her, right? She's something. She reminds me so much of you, Dad. You both have round heads and you both have a devilish sense of humor. I miss you so much, Dad. I think about you all day, every day. My life just isn't the same anymore. I'm unable to feel any kind of pure joy now that you are gone. I'm really quite sad. I hope you are still around- that is the only thing that gives me a small amount of solace. i hope you are around. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I don't think I wrote you last night, did I? I'm so sorry. 🙁 Ugh. And tonight? It's almost 4am. We stayed up super late, because MK needed ("needed") to go to Marshall's- all of them- to find her special shirts that only she can wear. So, we dragged Koi with us to, like, five different stores all over the area so MK could go in and look for her shirts. It was successful, though- MK found, like six or seven of them. So all is well that ends well, I guess. We started the day early. We had an 11am appt. at Safelight Auto Glass and they were able to patch the chip in the windshield. They did an excellent job- truly amazing. Instead of waking until Friday (when they can come out to our home), they had a few openings this morning if we went to them. They are located in Raleigh- it took about 30 minutes to get there. We got there with no trouble and Koi was amazing. She ate a lot of cookies and goldfish (they had awesome snacks), and then we picked up two cucumbers and a bunch of apples at the Raleigh farmer's market. Later today, I finally paid the personal property tax on the car. MK had no idea what I was doing. She thought that since we paid Subaru for the emissions test, we were done. Nope- not at all- we also had to pay DMV for the personal property tax. I think we must have paid the registration earlier this year. I was mistaken- I thought the registration was due, but it's the tax. Anyhow so "we" paid it and now we can "relax" for one day. However another hurricane is coming in the area. I think it's been downgraded to a tropical storm now. School is already cancelled tomorrow (today), but I don't think Koi's horseback riding was cancelled. Amazing. Speaking of amazing. You are amazing. I am always amazed at how much you used to do for our family- and you were always so quiet and humble at everything you did. And you did a LOT. It just never ends. I love and miss you so much. I keep promising to write a decent note, but I end up running errands all day an

Hi, Dad. I was looking on Amazon for angel wings- a ring or necklace that would remind me of you. But I'm so cheap, I don't want to spend a lot of money. But all the cheap jewelry- well, looks cheap. Anyhow, how are you? I miss you so much. I've been texting one of your old nurses, Miss Shelia. She was the older nurse who worked the graveyard shift at night. I used to see her when I would show up at 11pm or 12am and hanker down with you. I would spend the night in the recliner next to you- do you remember? Often, by the time I was able to get there, you were already asleep. I'm so sorry about that. MK was a jerk to me. She wouldn't let me go until I gave Koi a bath. And I would first have to wait for Koi to have a bm- before I could give her a bath. What a mean mom, eh? Anyhow, often I wasn't allowed to leave to go and see you until almost 1am. And then I would have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning and drive home (to get Koi ready for school). I'm just thankful she let me go at all. During your second hospital stay, she didn't want me spending the night at all. She was too afraid of what the nurses would think. Who knows what goes on in that brain of hers. Anyhow, I won't engage in this super hyper analysis at 3:30 in the morning (yikes- is it really that late? But I will say I was so lucky to have you in my life for your 78 short years. I guess I only knew you for 45 years, and to me, that wasn't enough. I miss you so much- it's just too painful. It's too painful to think about my life without you. It's not a life at all. Joy doesn't exist. Smiling is fake. Even with Koi, I'm still not happy. It's just not the same anymore. I'm not just saying that b/c it's late, either. This is how I feel every day. During the day it isn't as bad, but at night my depression if often unbearable. That's when I escape by sleeping. At least during sleep, you no longer feel the pain. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you terribly. I'm trying to get the shingles on the roof

Hi, Dad. Your pacemaker phone is lighting up. I feel like when your phone lights up, you're trying to call me. Your pacemaker is still inside of you- and you're at Arlington Cemetery. In a way, I feel connected to you when I see the phone light up. I have no idea why it's lighting up. Is the battery dying? Is your pacemaker still working? Well, I guess it still can't be working, but the battery inside of you is still operating, I am assuming. Is your pacemaker communicating with the phone here? I know even when you were alive- that phone didn't ever do anything. Even when you were sick at the hospital, it's not like the phone ever communicated with your cardiologist. I have no idea what it's for. I thought it was supposed to signal when you were in distress. But when you passed away, you would have thought your cardiologist would be notified from the pacemaker's (lack of) activity. But when they called us, and I let them know you had passed away, they were surprised. When I see the phone light up, I always get so emotional. I miss you so much, Dad. Are you trying to call me? Are you wondering how I am? MK is giving me a bad time, because our roof is leaking, and it's making dry wall damage. And she thinks it's my fault the adjuster found that the amount of damage doesn't exceed our deductible. Actually, it's good news, right? Anyhow, she's all got her feathers in a ruffle. That and our neighbor (Lance and wife) was using our garage as storage, and they ended up kind of overstaying their welcome lol. They kept making excuses as to why they couldn't pick up their stuff. MK, of course, was flipping out- so I had to text them and basically tell them they have to pick up their junk. And it was junk- all of their outdoor furniture, lawnmower, trash cans, etc. And it all smelled. Anyhow, gosh Koi is hanging off of me right now so it's hard to think. I may have to continue this tomorrow if that is ok. I love you so much, Dad. I am looking forward to Koi going back to school

Hi, Dad. Where did the day go? I was supposed to write you in the morning, and of course, I didn't. I woke up early b/c someone texted me super early (well not super early but at 9am). I ended up going back to bed and sleeping until 11. It felt gooooood. I went to bed around 4ish, so it felt good not to have to wake up early. Tomorrow is Sunday and I think we are going to take it easy again tomorrow. Today we didn't do much. I went to WalMart for MK and got her a few things. Then we went out and got Koi some fries, and then we came home. I took Koi in her new stroller to a neighborhood park- the one that is quite boring, across from Morrisville Town Hall. Koi didn't want to go home- she demanded that we walk towards Morrisville Carpenter Rd.- up the hill (with no sidewalk), towards the Walmart. I nearly killed her, I was so scared for us. I made her walk far far away from the road- and I was pulling her stroller, as I couldn't push her in it (in the grass). There was about a 50 yard stretch of no sidewalk. Once we got to the sidewalk all was well. We went to Georgina's pizza and Koi got two slices of pepperoni and a sierra mist. And then we walked home (all on sidewalks). What an adventure, eh? To think you did stuff like that all the time when you were a kid. Sometimes it's nice to get away, isn't it? At first, MK was happy that Koi ate pizza. Then she became irritated b/c I didn't get Koi an entire pizza- because slices are reheated crap. At first she was like "I hope you didn't get her an entire pie" and an hour later she was like "you are so stupid, you should never buy slices b/c they are old." There is NO pleasing her. Yesterday she was so pissed off b/c of what the claims adjuster found. We called USAA and they are sending out another claims adjuster. This guy seems even worse- he texted me and was totally being vague. Who does that? MK doesn't text, so I guess it's a good thing that I do, eh? And he didn't respond for a long time. He sounds equally stupid an

Hi, Dad. It's "only" midnight, what do you know. I guess it's "early" for us. Koi is jumping on the bed, but she seems to be getting tired. We had a pretty relaxing day. We went out to Longhorn Steakhouse to get Koi some fries and cheesecake. MK and I split a steak (I know, I bet you're jealous, right?). I went to TJ Maxx and got two t shirts and one t shirt for Koi. Then, I stopped by Walmart (grocery store) and got some oatmeal- they were out of Goldfish). Then, Koi and I (and MK) came home. Koi and I walked (with her new stroller) to Morrisville Community Park- they have built a nice path from the Walmart to the park. We can stay in our neighborhood and take a path with crosswalk to the McDonald's (over by the McDonald's heh heh heh). And once you're near McD's and Walmart, you can take another path, over a bridge, to the park. It's brilliant. Koi had fun swinging and climbing the rock wall. I remember when you used to drive us to this park. Koi would sit in the sand for hours. She's no longer interested in the sand, but she loves to swing and go down the slides. Then, we walked home, stopping by the gas station for some candy, of course. We've been at home ever since, and we've finally showered and settled in for the night. I made our bed, as the blankets and sheets were washed today- every Sunday, like clockwork (MK work, right?) Anyhow, I have been thinking about you a lot. I was sitting at the bar, waiting for our to-go order at Longhorn, and a family was cheering loudly for Pittsburg- football was on t.v. The Steelers were playing somebody. I'm no longer interested. I loved watching football with you, especially college football (and especially WVU). I take no pleasure in things that we used to do. I've lost all interest, and the thought of doing anything that I used to do with you, is entirely too painful. And then I saw Koi watching Caillou, and as if that little sh** isn't annoying enough, Koi was watching an episode where he's like "grandpaaaaaa!" and of

Hi, Dad. I'm just lighting a candle tonight. Blue is your favorite color, as is mine. I saw the picture I put on your phone- it's my favorite picture from your Interment. And it just dawned on me. It's your phone- and there is a picture of your Interment. And if you only knew. What would you think? Would you approve of it? Or is it too gross and inappropriate? The picture, obviously, reminds me of you, and it's the very last picture I really have of you. That's why it's not only on your phone, but it's on my phone as well. I took Koi to the Fair today and we had fun. Last year when I took Koi, it was stressful, because I made the mistake of buying four tickets and ride bands out of guilt- so I had to take her twice. And I had no business taking her twice, as you were still quite sick. I kept waiting for us to get into a groove of some sort- and every time I felt like we were getting into a routine, something else would happen. You would have to go to the Emergency room and when you came back, something else would be compounded. I wish I had never called 911 the next to last time- because they did nothing except give you a shot of narcan for the morphine I gave you. But I didn't give you very much. I told them not to give you narcan, and of course, they didn't listen. And I wish I had called 911 sooner on the very last day of your life. I made so many bad calls. And it's too painful to think about. I am going to escape right now into sleep. I took my evening meds, and I just want to escape the pain. I love and miss you so much. You are the very best Dad in the Universe. I ordered a (cheap) silver ring that is angel wings. I'm hoping it's a decent fit, so I can wear it for you. I love you, Dad. I'm going to go to bed. It's been a long day, since we went to the Fair. Tomorrow is a take-it easy day. Wednesday the claims adjuster is coming to look at the roof. Koi has horseback riding on Wednesday this week instead of Thursday. And Thursday, I'm taking her to Phillips Fa

Hi, Dad. Someone sent you flowers! You see, you're still in folks' minds. And most of your friends don't even know this page exists. In a way, I like it this way- because that way, I can write whatever i want to you, and very few people actually see it. And I am betting noone reads it lol. I like it that way. I am in a lot of mental pain tonight- I know it's not about me, because you were in excruciating pain for months and months. Ironically, when you were doing better, you were in more pain. But during the summer, you were stabilizing, but not exactly getting better by leaps and bounds. And yet you never complained. When you were at the VA, and the nurses always asked if you were in pain, you always said no. I wonder if you really were in pain- or not. I don't know. You never ever complained. I wish you had complained more. And yet- PT was so difficult for you, and noone was empathetic. They blamed your inability on your attitude. They created a brilliant paper trail to withdraw services from you. That's right, keep on writing how "difficult" the patient is- that way you don't have to help him. I'm still so angry about that. I'm really not done with them. They haven't heard the last of me. I'm just in too much mental pain right now to do anything. I have one more year, Dad. And I'm going to do it. They have no idea how they made us all suffer so much. I don't care if nothing comes out of it. They are going to read all the paperwork I file, and they're going to have to respond to it. I just want to forget my pain tonight. I took my evening meds (a bit more), and I'm going to go to sleep. I'm so drowsy, and I'm just going to pass out. I don't want to cry. I have to stay strong for Koi. I tear up when I go into your room and realize you are gone. And I have to pull it together because Koi is in the next room and she's waiting for me to tuck her in. She's still waiting for me, even though I've been stalling, and watching stupid stuff on YouTube. Forgive me for not wri

Hi, Dad. Looks like a friend sent you more flowers. You are never forgotten. I miss you so much. I think about you so much. I was watching a documentary about opiates, and it reminded me about how you saved my life. Plus, it also reminded me how I utterly failed you during the last days of your life. I should have pushed more for morphine therapy, so you would be able to breathe easier and relax more. I know you never believed in being "doped up" so I wanted to honor that and not, well, dope you up. On the other hand, if you were struggling for breath, and having stress about it, the morphine would have helped. I don't know what the right decision was. But I don't think I made the right one. I'm really sorry, Dad. I know it's too late now, but for what it's worth, I'm incredibly sorry. I think and rethink my crappy decisions, and sometimes it's just overwhelming. I wish so much I could bring you back, if only to just apologize for all the bad decisions I made. I'm sorry. Speaking of, it's now the 19th, and guess who hasn't paid their child support yet? Honestly I don't know how some people (like him) can look at himself in the mirror. Sometimes I wonder if there is a heaven, because why would a God allow someone like that to exist? What happens when he dies- because he truly deserves to rot in hell. I'm a big believer in redemption, but you have to want to change. He does not- and I quote "I like the way I am. " Is it wrong to wish him rotting in hell? Perhaps. I'm sorry I am so flawed. I know I apologize a lot, and it's not for my benefit. I promise. I'm just so sorry for all the mistakes and poor judgment calls I made last year. I wish I would have had better guidance. I wish, despite the lack of guidance, I still made better decisions. I wish I would have thought it through more. I'm falling asleep btw. It's 4am, can you believe it? Where did the day go? I took Koi to Phillips Farm today- it used to be the smaller farm, and now it's the only farm. Green Acres far

Hi, Dad. Well, it's a bit earlier tonight- only 2:45 instead of 4:30. I'm still waking up early(ish) tomorrow, since Koi goes back to school on Monday and I need to start getting back into the swing of things. I woke up at 9 this morning, despite going to bed at 4:30- I felt ok, too. The Fed Ex guy knocked on our door and totally woke me up. Grrrrr. Anyhow, so I'm expecting yet another pair of shoes tomorrow and I bet Mr. Fed Ex wakes me up again. I ordered a few pair of shoes that were on sale (yes, I'm a millipede), but I ordered the wrong size- so back they have to go. Oh well, right? I have one pair that I just got for Koi and I can now wear her hand-me-downs. Yay. I was going to take Koi to this Fall Festival tomorrow, but it's been postponed to Sunday due to the rain. So we have another day of doing nothing. Hopefully Koi won't mind. I think I've been so busy with her this week, she was expecting a big plan today- but I had nothing. I made two trips to the store to return some things- MK was in that "why don't you return ___ if you're not going to wear it" kind of mood. So I ended up going in the morning by myself and in the evening with Koi and MK to return stuff. I hope she's happy, because honestly I would rather throw stuff away over retuning it. But I returned the stuff- for MK. I hope Koi's support is in the bank by tomorrow. Of course he didn't pay and of course he claims it's "tax season" right now. It's always tax season- sheesh. Of course he didn't write me back, either. There is a special place in hell for people as evil as him. I am an evil SOB magnet, that is for sure. I guess b/c I have "doormat" written in big bold lines across my forehead. I'm so sick of it. I'm happy to live the rest of my life in solitude over being with an evil sob again. No more. I know MK doesn't believe me, but she doesn't have to. The only person I have to stay try to is me- and maybe Koi too. I feel horrible of what I did to Koi for so many years. Actually just two- but

UGH- I was about to post something on your wall and guess who came and caused me to delete everything. Her name begins with K and ends with an I. Sigh. It's okay- I was bashing MK for most of the rant. She was being her usual negative self today- I found a wonderful new path that goes from our house, to Morrisville Community Park, down Morrisville Carpenter Road- over to Preston (where the TJ Maxx is, that area), and back to the park- and back home. I explained it much better in my initial post but now my hands hurt from typing and I'm generally annoyed. I'm sorry. Koi has been home for three weeks and I'm ready for her to go back to school. I love being with her, but she isn't easy. She is really impatient and has a lot of hangups. She has a lot of verbal rituals these days and it's often draining. Add MK's bipolar crazy moods into the mix, and it really amps up my depression. Koi and I walked for two hours today (well, I pushed her in her new stroller) and it was nice to be outside after the rain. You could smell all the leaves, the flowers, the dirt. It was nice. We passed a lot of apartment complexes, and I remembered the time when you, me, and Koi almost moved into an apartment by Asuka- that restaurant that is no longer there. Anyhow, I don't know why we decided against it, but I so regret not doing that. MK and I weren't getting along, and I think you wanted to help me/me and Koi. I wish so much we would have moved with you. Had we done that, I wouldn't have felt so desperate to get out of the house- and I wouldn't have run off with mistake #2. I know, what if, what if. Coulda shoulda woulda. I own my mistakes, but that doesn't mean I don't have regrets. So many. I just wish we would have moved in together- because then you would have had the freedom to drive up to Wheeling to visit the gravesites of your ancestors, like you always wanted to. You could have easily left town, and I would have gladly watched your things and paid the bills. It wouldn't have been

Hi, Dad. What a day, what a day. We ended up going to three fall festivals, in search of the perfect bounce house for Koi. She had a nice time (I think). The first one was at Holly Springs and it kind of sucked. Then, we went to the one closest to our house- at Parkside Commons, and it was pretty darn good (lots of lines, but you just can't escape those anymore). However, we got there around 1:15/1:30ish and it ended at 2pm. Plus, the one bounce house line took almost 1/2 hour. We just didn't have enough time- and I just wish we never went to Holly Springs. Huge mistake lol. At Parkside Commons, there was a "trackless train" that we didn't get to ride- because of the time. MK suggested I go up to him and ask where exactly he was going- because he told me that he couldn't stay and give Koi a ride- he had another job to go to. Yeah- right. But I have to hand it to him- he told me about the third fall festival at Fuquay Baptist Church. It started at 4- so we had time to eat, go home to get jackets (it was freezing today- the heat is actually on right now)... and then get there. When we did get there wow, was it great. Lots of bounce houses with next to no lines. There was one carnival type of ride, bounce houses with slides, popcorn, a fire to roast marshmallows, hot dogs, candy. It was the "cat meow" as MK would say. Lol. Anyhow we didn't get home until almost 8pm. And then Koi wanted to walk around the neighborhood, so we did that until 8:30. And we waited- and waited- and waited for Koi to do her business, and three enemas later- around 1am, she finally delivered. How on earth is this kid going to school tomorrow? It's a quarter to three! Yikes. I'm a terrible Mom. Anyhow, I love you, Dad. I miss you so much. This time of year always reminds me of you. I saw a boy scout troop at the third fall festival today and I met the troop leader. I told him about the beaver that you inherited from your father- and he said that was something very special. A beaver is what they

Hi, Dad. Well, it's "only" midnight, which is better, right? Koi has school tomorrow, so it's really not early at all. I have to get up in 6 hours, and Koi has to get up in 7. MK was telling me that you are showing up in a lot of her dreams. So, she says, it's like you have never left her- she has very vivid dreams with you in them. Her most recent dream was about the two of you sitting down to a delicious turkey, stuffing, and mashed potato dinner (so of course this was a dream, right? Lol). And then she said, "and then we were like "oh- Jenny's coming... so we have to save some for her." Hahaha. I could hear the dread in her voice. What a trip. But that leads me to ask- why aren't you in my dreams? Is it because I take meds at night that wipe me out? I try to wipe myself out at night, so I don't wake up in a panic in the middle of the night. Am I too doped up? I don't know. But I would love to have some dreams with you in them. Are you okay? I love and miss you so much. I'm going to lay down in a second, but I hope you are okay. I miss you so much. It's so painful to live without you. I'm having a hard time. I know I am being selfish, but I know you wanted to live. You had so much life left in you. I am heartbroken over the decisions I made regarding your care. I wish I could turn back the clock and make different decisions. I don't know if it would have made a difference, and according to your nurse, we prolonged your life, as opposed to putting you in rehab (or care, is more like it). I don't know. Do I believe her, or do I wonder how much longer you could have lived had you received the proper rehab and therapy you deserved? I love you so much, Dad. I'm going to lay down now. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Guess what? I wrote (and submitted) your In Memoriam in the Washington Post today. I received a letter from the WaPo, reminding me to submit any In Memoriam requests, because they have to be received ten days before the day you want it to run. So I decided to just work on it today. There are a lot of restrictions- like you are only allowed to have 36 characters per line (including spaces), and the entire piece can only be seventeen lines. The picture must be 2 inches by 2 inches. I figured out how to reduce a jpeg, and after I did it, I realized that it would be better to have the WaPo photoshop the picture themselves. So, after I received the proof, I called and they instructed me to resubmit the picture in its original form/size. They are going to photoshop it to their requirements. That way, there will be a better chance that the picture will stay true to its original integrity. I used the same picture as the one from your obit- because it's my absolute favorite picture of you. This time, instead of just a head shot, hopefully they will include your uniform (it's the picture of you in your dress blues from my wedding). I love that picture so much. Do you want to see what I wrote you? Richard Patrick Owen 09/23/40- 11/04/17 Words alone cannot even begin to express how much you are missed, Dad. I never wanted to think that this day would come. Its been one year since you left this earth, and each day is just as much of a struggle as the day before. For those who say it gets easier- it does not. You would say that I am being selfish- you are no longer suffering and therefore I should be at peace. But I am still very much in turmoil. I know you had so much life left in your. Your sacrifices for our Country left your body is premature decay and sickness. A year later and the only emotions I feel rotate between despair and anger, anger and despair. My life is so lonely without your biting wit and sarcasm. The only consolation I have is perhaps know

Hi, Dad. My anxiety is sky high tonight b/c I don't know if Koi has an ear infection. She told me her ear was hurting earlier today, but then she said she was fine when she overheard me and MK talk about taking her to the doctor (smart booger). And she fell asleep early (for her)... well not that early (1:30am) but I was wide awake, and so I decided to stay away from her and let her sleep, so I took refuge in your mancave. It's peaceful here, and I've just been vegging out on YouTube. I guess my anxiety is acting up, too. I worry when I think Koi may be sick. She was coughing a few hours ago and I'm always afraid she's going to barf in bed or something. So I've been down the hall just listening, and so far, I think she's been sleeping soundly. I'm going to be so sleepy tomorrow I know. I was so sleepy around 11- over four hours ago and now I'm wide awake. It's 3:20am. Yikes. Sorry for the ramble. I've been thinking about you so much. When I was walking around the block with Koi, I couldn't stop thinking about you and your last day with us. It was going over and over in my mind, and I was having such an anxiety attack with so many feelings of despair and heartbreak and regret. I feel like I made so many mistakes and I can't take them back. I hate myself for the decisions I made and all the things I didn't do for you. It's hard to be here and live with those mistakes knowing you are not here with me. I miss you so much, Dad. My life just will never be the same without you. I don't know if it will ever truly feel happy or fulfilling again. I love you so much- I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I love you dearly. You would always know exactly what to say when I was depressed. You have helped and counseled me so many times- most recently less than three years ago. You helped me get out of yet another hole. I love you so much, Dad. I will try to stay strong for you, but I really just want to crumble inside. You are the best Dad

Hi again, Dad. It's 1am the next day and I never did write you, did I? Ugh I'm really sorry. MK sure keeps me busy during the day and then once I pick up Koi from school, she sure keeps me busy from then on (until now- and even now she's waiting for me). I picked a lot of weeds today after I picked up Koi from school. She was playing in the water in the front of the house, so I thought I'd pick some weeds. Our house has been invaded by weeds. I think the Mountain family that lived next to us a few years back never sprayed for weeds and now the weeds from their house have crossed over into our lawn and just infested most of the front lawn. Sigh. The new owners are more type A than Flanders- and I see Mrs. Muscles picking weeds all day, every day (or maybe she just goes outside when I go outside- who knows). It's such a thankless job, but I still do it. It gives me great satisfaction to pick weeds. Anyhow, I will find other ways to earn my keep, especially as the weather cools down. MK and I have been going to the Lotte often, picking up her mochis and other Klingon krap 😉 We also order Thai food a lot. There is a Thai place across the street from the bakery and I order from there. It's pretty okay 🙂 Anyhow, Koi is snoring, I think, so I better get her "jamas" on before she full-on starts into a deep sleep. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday and I promise I will write something meaningful- not this half-hearted, half-assed attempt at communication. I can't wait to sleep in on Saturday, too- that is, if Koi lets me 🙂 I miss you so much, Dad. I am doing okay with MK and Koi but it's you who really led our family. I miss you to pieces. I told MK today I miss how you made us all laugh. MK loved your sense of humor- she always tells me this. She also told me how talented you are at driving, storytelling, being spur of the moment- living in the moment and truly enjoying life. I wish so much you were still here. I know you wanted to be. You weren't ready to go and we weren't

Hi, Dad. Oh you'd love the sound of the thunderstorm that is going on right now. You loved the rain, and you loved a good storm. I can't help but think of you every time it rains. I miss you, Dad. Sorry I have been such a slacker of late in writing you. I have no excuses. Actually, I have a few. Koi and I stayed up until 3:30am last night and then she was wide awake this morning at 8:30ish. Can you believe it? I was walking around today like a zombie. I had a lot of returns to contend with, too. I know, that's not a real excuse. I'm just trying to figure out what shorts to keep and what rings to keep. I know, stupid excuses. Plus, I've been on Amazon all day and night trying to find a good deal on jewelry, since I am broke. I know, it's a waste of time. But Koi has been happy this weekend to relax at home, thank God, She usually wants to go to Jump Street! Or even better- the State Fair lol. It's okay and I am more than happy to make it a tradition. Anyhow, I am so missing you and so not the same without you. I keep replaying your last few moments over and over, and the emotions are unbearable. I don't know if it's PTSD or just an unbearable image. I don't block it, nor do I want to repress or forget it. I wish so much I had held you, but I am thankful MK did. I miss you so much. Life isn't the same without you as a part of it. You wanted to stay and I hate how your body gave out. You fought so valiantly, too. I hate the doctor who gave you a shoddy pacemaker. I fault him for not adjusting your meds and causing the stroke and I fault the VA for not giving you adequate therapy to get you mobile again. You succumbed to your non-mobility because they wouldn't work with you and give you PT. I have so much anger and I will never forgive them. I know it's not very Christian of me, but I cannot let it go without first honoring your memory. How I am going to do that is still up in the air. I don't know. I'm so tired, I'm going to try to just block out all the pain tonight a

Another night of thunderstorms, and I can't help but think of you. You would be outside in the garage, watching the rain fall down, enjoying the quiet- the wetness and the grass getting some much needed water. You loved the rain. You taught me to love it, too. And now, I always think of you when it rains. It's quite the thunderstorm tonight. I miss you so much. Tomorrow Koi has school, but on Tuesday I had planned on taking her to SH. She keeps saying "no beach" and I'm not sure what that is about. But if she keeps saying it, there will be a huge blowout between me and MK so let's just hope she stops scripting it. I miss you, Dad. I wish so much you were here. You were so right about me missing you. It's so painful, Dad. I'm sorry for all the times I blew you off. I would give anything to have those moments back again. I hope you can forgive me for being so wrapped up with myself. I have to put Koi to bed- she has school tomorrow and it's 2am. Where did the time go? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I'm going to put Koi to sleep but I promise I will write tomorrow (well, later today). I did clean Koi's room today, and I finally cleaned your bathroom. I just didn't think about it. I wiped the floors, the shower, the sink, the toilet. I have been keeping the sink and toilet clean, but I have never wiped the floor since you left. I felt like it was somehow wiping away your memory. But it was looking so gross, because MK hangs clothes in your shower room. The clothes drop lint and so lint was everywhere. I can't believe I did it w/o crying, but I did. I also wiped all the tupperwares in Koi's room (and the floor), organized all of Koi's "stuff" animals (in my room), and also cleaned my bathroom. I also cut Koi's and my toenails (yes that is a task), painted our toes, and I also touched up Koi's roots (and mine). I think I got a lot done today, even though it doesn't sound like munch. Gosh, I miss you, Dad. I would give anything for you to be here so we could enjoy t

Hi, Dad. Guess what? Well, I didn't write, like I promised you (big surprise), but guess what again? It's thundering and raining. You would love it. I do. It's so nice and calming. It was so humid today, so this rain is such a nice respite. I need to lay down, as it's 11:!5 and I have to wake up between 2:30 and 3am. I'm going to attempt to drive to the beach in the middle of the night so I can get a parking space for tomorrow's Surfer's Healing for Koi. Wish us all luck, ok? I don't have a good memory because last year I left you at the VA Hospital while I took Koi surfing. The guilt still eats me up inside. If I had known SH had a military family day, I would have taken Koi to that one, and then I could have spent the day with you. I would have arranged a wheelchair and we would have put on our solar eclipse sunglasses, gone outside, and watched the solar eclipse. Maybe you would have hated it. You were short of breath and when you sat up, you often felt very dizzy. But I would have tried. And if it didn't work out, it would have been okay, since I tried. But I didn't even try. I left you alone with the sunglasses, asking the nurses to open up your windows so you could view the eclipse. I'm sure the didn't. Sigh. I have to much guilt from that. And that was exactly a year ago. Sometimes the guilt is just too much, you know? But I'm going to take Koi again, since oh I don't know. She doesn't even seem like she wants to go. But we'll go. Speaking of- let me lay down, and I will write when I wake up, ok? I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3

We are off. Wish us luck and I will write you when we wake up. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Today is in your honor. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well we made it today. It was a long day, I tell ya. I woke up at 2:30am and the day started. We left the house... oh maybe around 4 or 4:30- I can't remember to be honest. We got to the beach around 6:45 and I was afraid we wouldn't get parking, but by the grace of God, we did. Thanks for looking out for us, Dad. We got a handicapped spot- we snagged spot #2 (both were open and because of the time you took spot #1 and your car got banged by the SH bus- remember that? Lol. Good times. I miss you so much. Going to the beach is never the same w/o you. I told MK it's not the same w/o you, and MK agreed. She said "I miss him." It always takes me aback to hear kind words coming out of her mouth lol. But I know she truly means it. We both miss you so much, Dad. Our family is just not the same w/o our ring leader, and it never will be. You really guided us through everything. And you still do. I started writing this post, Koi got out of the tub, and now I've completely forgotten what I was going to say. It must not have been important, eh? I do want to post a picture of Koi today on your wall, if that is okay with you. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Love, G Kat

I just wanted to show you how big I am getting, Grandpa! Koi misses you so much, as do me and MK. Today wasn't the same w/o you. I know you haven't gone with us in awhile (to the beach) but our original trips were always trail blazed by you. Remember the time we took a road trip and we just ended up at Rehoboth? I miss those days so much. I would give anything to have them back. You were my best friend and the best Dad in the Universe. I am falling asleep b/c I've been up since 2:30 so I'm sorry if this is so fragmented and not making sense. Every night I promise to write you the next day and then that day escapes me- usually doing nothing- and I keep prolonging the promises but not delivering. I promise I will write more coherently tomorrow. I'm just so tired right now. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are mu guardian angel and the best Dad in the Universe. I love and miss you terribly. Love youse, G Kat <3

p.s. sorry for the poor picture quality- too many filters and strange lighting today <3

Hi, Dad. It's 12:30 once again and I am falling asleep. I can barely keep my eyes open, because Koi's evening routine is a combination of 1) taking a long time and 2) certain factors being uncontrollable- i.e. mother nature. Any how, we got through it so oh well. Anyhow I love and miss you to pieces. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think about you. I'm still having a terribly difficult time with it all, despite what people tell me about "the first year being the hardest." I just don't see how the grief and heartache just magically disappear after a year. I can't see it ever going away. I'm trying to write but I'm not making any sense- and I keep falling asleep sitting up. So, like I do every night, I promise to write you tomorrow morning and I will bid thee a good night and love you. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I miss you terribly. Love, G Kat <3

It's Friday night, but I didn't get a chance to write. I will write when I wake up, ok? It's 3:30am and I must get Koi to sleep. I can't believe she's still up :O I love you to the moon and back. xoxo Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I am literally falling asleep as I sit here and attempt to write you- yet again. I have no idea where the day/week went this week. Maybe going to the beach really tired me out. I don't know. I know I've promised that I would write during the day but then after I drop off Koi, MK keeps me busy doing all sorts of stuff for her. I had to fill out some tax paperwork this afternoon, make a copy of it at UPS and then take it to the post office- and I couldn't get it done before Koi got home, so I had to drag her with me. We did play in the (blow up) pool for hit and that way. I know I say this every night, but since it's Friday I know I will definitely write you tomorrow. Is it a deal? I'm falling asleep while sitting up, so I better lay down. I love you to the moon and back. You are my favorite Dad in the world. Love, G Kat <3

I'm lighting a yellow candle- MK's favorite color, although she has no idea I still write you. Don't ask why she doesn't think I should keep posting. You know MK. She's nuts. Anyhow, it's 3am and I've spent way too long on the Internets doing nada. Koi is waiting for me to join her in bed, so I will bid thee a good night, and I will write in the morning. I promise! (heh). I love you so much, Dad. I go into your room every night, kiss your picture, and wish the bears good night and kiss the angel as well. It's a ritual I have. It makes me think of you and how suddenly everything happened. I feel like I never had the chance to say good bye. I didn't want to. You were fine one minute and the next minute you weren't. It breaks my heart and makes me so sad. I miss you so much- too much for words to describe. I just want to escape with sleep. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you immensely. You are- and always will be- my everything. I love you. Nighty night, Dear Dawg, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I keep promising that I'll write you and I keep getting caught in this vicious no-sleep cycle. Even the weekends don't give me any respite. We went to bed at 3:30 last night and we did sleep in until 10am, but I still felt horrible. I thought about you all day but I couldn't put my feelings into words. I just was in your bedroom, and Sunday nights are really bad for me. I think about how much I miss you and all the things I wish I had done differently. I ask you for forgiveness, and I so wish I could have just one more day- even just a minute more- with you. You were right- I really do miss you now that you're gone. I am so lost without you. Time does not heal all wounds, and I never thought I would feel that way. In the past, time really does help, but in this instance, it's quite the opposite. As more time goes by, I just miss you more. I think about all the ways I could have made different decisions and perhaps you would still be here with us, had I made better choices on your care. I guess it's pointless to "coulda shoulda woulda" as you would say, but I still think about it and I still hate myself for making all the wrong decisions. I'll keep you posted on the property tax thing. I hope I filled out the paperwork correctly for MK. You really prepared and did everything for us. You have been preparing and planning for your death since the 70's. I used to think it was a waste of time. But now that the time has come, what a gift, what a gift. You have helped guide us tremendously- to the point that in terms of paperwork, there was no stress. I was able to focus on mourning and trying to mend my broken heart. No such luck right now, though. I am looking forward to seeing you again in less than a month. I hate how we are not closer. i'll be sure to give you dates before we leave so you'll know when we being to make the journey. Your favorite time of the year is approaching- fall. The leaves start to turn different colors, the breeze turns cool, and the flan

Hi, Dad. Well it's "only" 12:38am Monday night/Tuesday morning but I am exhausted. Koi is tired/cranky, too. I guess we didn't get enough sleep last night, and we were supposed to go to bed earlier, too. So it goes. Koi wanted to go around the neighborhood over and over again- with me pushing her, of course. I'm so tired and sore from pushing Koi in her (too small) stroller. The wheels are about to fall off of this thing. Luckily, her new stroller is coming soon, so it's not something Koi will need. But I have to admit they are wonderful to have when we are out, like at the State Fair, or some other outing that requires a lot of walking. Koi also had her annual wellness exam today- she is looking good. She's quite tall for her age- almost 5'2" which is the 62 or 64th percentile. She's up there in weight, too- but the doctor isn't worried. She says generally teens tend to gain weight during puberty and then even out by the time they hit 15 or so. She's got a bad dose of genes, but I think she should slim down a bit. At least that's what the doctor thinks. Anyhow, I'm not making much sense- I had to write that sentence three times lol. I'm going to say good night and I will continue this tomorrow, OK? I love and miss you so much. Please don't worry about us. I love you so much, Dad. Am I making any sense? I feel like I am rambling. I promise I will continue this tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I don't know where the time went again, but it's 1:30am, Koi is asleep and I'm just doing nothing, surfing the web. I'm going to join Koi because I have to wake up early to get her to school plus I have a nut doctor appointment at 10am. I miss you terribly. Today has been hard. Some days are harder than others and today was hard. I just miss you so much. I'm going to go to sleep to try to get away from the pain that I feel in my heart. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Your presence is missed every minute of every day. I miss you so much. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. It's almost midnight and Koi is wide awake :/ I guess I am, too. Koi's IEP is tomorrow at 8:15am, though- so I kinda need to hit the sack soon. I've been reviewing her IEP and general "words of advice" types of stuff. Luckily I was able to speak with a (real) lawyer because I went to law school with her. Given she practices in PA, but it was helpful to get a legal perspective (and not an advocate's perspective, since most advocates are Moms like me) and just listen to what my friend has to say about Koi- and getting Koi some more support in the classroom. We'll see how the meeting goes tomorrow. I really don't want to drag this al out, but on the other hand, I want Koi to be challenged at school. The last thing I want is for her to languish in that classroom, only to be rubber stamped outta the public school system when she turns 18. So I am hoping I will find the strength to speak up for her tomorrow. The slippery slope is that I love Koi's teacher- and I don't want to say or do anything that either inadvertently looks bad, or do I want to disrespect her in any way. I don't think I will- but I know the more I ask for data collection and support for Koi, the onus of that support is going to fall on the Teacher's shoulders (although it should not be that way). Anyhow, would you mind praying for us (Koi) tomorrow? I would very much appreciate it, Dad. I miss you so much. This weekend is Labor Day weekend, which means (technically) fall starts the following week. Well maybe not fall, but I guess summer is supposed to be over magically on Sept. 4th. I have no idea why everyone heads to the beach with the same outfit and the same mentality. I found out that even our neighbors are heading to the beach. Sheep- all of them lol. Baaaaaaaa. You always taught me to think outside of the box and you always taught me to think independently. I can never thank you enough for the perspective you gave (shared) with me. Your Sister may call it negative, but I feel like you w

Hi, Dad. Look, someone sent you flowers again <3 How nice and thoughtful of them. I love it when I look on your page and I see flowers. You are always in our thoughts, excuse the clich but it's true. I love and miss you so much. Koi's IEP did not happen today. I think her Teacher forgot to invite a Regular Ed teacher to the meeting, and, by law, there has to be a representative from regular ed present (as a witness) at the IEP meeting. For whatever reason, there was no regular ed teacher and therefore we were not able to meet. It was a shame, because the Principal was there, both the SLP and the OT were there (the OT is actually Koi's former OT from Highcroft. Her PT (who wasn't there) was her old PT from Laurel Park. Such a small ASD world, isn't it?) Anyhow, we didn't meet so it's all moot. I got up early for nothing. But on the bright side, I have more time to review Koi's current IEP and study the things I'd like to ask for re. Koi and support and the future of her educational career. So it's all good. I didn't do much today. I swung by the bakery before the meeting and I swung by in the afternoon for some more carbs- toast lol. I need to start eating healthier- or meals at least. I eat snacks, chocolate, cheese, and bites of Koi's leftovers. Normally I'm fine with that, but I also need to eat some hot meals. I just don't know. I keep falling asleep even though it's not even midnight. I better hit the sack. Tomorrow is Friday- yay. I'm so looking forward to the weekend so we can all sleep in. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I would give anything just to hold your hand one last time. I love you so much. And I miss you so very much. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. And I just miss you terribly. I'm going to go to bed so I don't have to feel. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I can't believe it's a quarter to 6 in the morning! Koi and I took a "nap" yesterday afternoon, and well- didn't wake up until 2 or 3am. Honestly I can't remember. I got up, and tidied up a bit. I guess MK was laying low, so nothing was done. I had a bunch of trash to dump, laundry to hang, laundry to fold, kitchen to clean up, etc. And then I gave Koi a late night bath/shower (and myself) and here we are- still watching YouTube and lounging around. I guess I should make a genuine attempt to really go back to sleep. I went into your room and it all just hit me again. Every time there is a holiday- even if it's just labor day- I think of you even more. I'm not sure if that makes sense- because I always think of you. But holidays just really bring home how much I miss you and how devastated I am (still) with losing you. I don't think I will ever get over it. I feel like I just didn't have enough time with you. I do keep talking to you, and you are always in my heart (as cheesy as that sounds). And your presence is always with me. I hate how I truly feel that I didn't appreciate you and the significance you made in my life- until you were gone. I hope you knew how much I adored you- and loved you so deeply. I feel like I whined a lot- especially when you got sick. I was so tired, and that was no excuse. I was scared. I don't know. I was so scared of losing you. I didn't want you to know how scared I was. I tried to stay positive- but it wasn't an act. I genuinely believed you would be okay and we would make it. Losing you came as such a shock to me- and us. I didn't even realize you had passed when you did- I thought you fell asleep. I hate myself for making all the mistakes that I did- with your care and with your medical decisions. I was straightening up some paperwork today in your room, and I always think about how much you have done for us. We are able to live in comfort because of you and all that you did and planned for us- MK especially. I know she is

Hi, Dad. I miss you so much. I was in your room just now, and I was thinking about March 6th, 2017. One minute you were fine, and the next you were not. It's so hard to cope with that sometimes. You fought for so many months to get well. You asked me to take you to the ER and why did I not? Why did I wait? I thought you were okay. You seemed fine, right? Why did I wait. I didn't want to take you to the ER and then have to leave to pick up Koi- and then drop her off and come back. I wanted to pick her up, take her home, and then focus on taking you and staying with you while MK watched Koi. That's a shit reason, isn't it? I think because you were at the ER that Friday and came home Saturday- I thought you were okay- more of the same. But on Monday, you were really sick. And I didn't realize it. Could they have stopped the bleeding? They could have reversed the blood thinners sooner, I know that. I have to live with these decisions and sometimes it's just unbearable. On November 4th, you asked me if someone was coming and I said "yes," but I hadn't yet called 911. I wanted to give you your breathing treatment first and then take your oxygen saturation. If only I called right away, could they have saved you? Your cardiologist thinks even if they saved you, you would have been on life support. Again, we will never know. Maybe you would have been fine. You could have lived another month. Or more. Sometimes I just can't stand the decisions I made. They were all wrong. I just want to be put out of my misery sometimes. I miss you so much. I would give anything to see you one more time. I'm going to lay down next to Koi because I am so upset tonight for some reason. I was going to tell you about my day, but I can't. There's not much to tell. I took apart our bed frames and took them to the dump. I met with the woman who is going to get Koi a new stroller. I'm taking MK to the doctor tomorrow and I'm going to have her doctor fill out paperwork for a handicap placard, since sh

Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I didn't write last night. I literally passed out on my bed, oh- around 9 or 10pm- I can't remember. Koi came up to me and said "hey- what's going on?" She startled me! I asked her if she wanted to take a bath, and she was like, "no!" And then she fell asleep next to me. I woke up again around 1am and asked her if she wanted a bath ("no" again was the answer) and then I woke up at 5am, then again (for good) at 8:30am. Actually Koi woke me up at 8:30am- I could have slept longer. I guess I needed to catch up on some sleep. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night to use the restroom (as all middle aged people do lol), I think of you in that hospital bed, asking for help. You were always wide awake at night, and you slept during the day. At night, I would wake up to pee and you would be up, and you would ask me for help. I did come over most of the time to help, but it was never a full-on, 100% attentive kind of help. I feel like I was always so tired- and I don't know why. I did sleep. I slept enough. Maybe it was the medications I was on? I think the lorazapam had something to do with it. I'm almost off of it now- Dr. Patkar is weaning me off of it. I wish I wasn't on it last year. I feel like it really hampered me. I hate myself for not taking better care of you. I hated how you would call out for me- or Nancy- and I either wouldn't come right away, or I would come, but check on you, help you quickly, and then go back to sleep, or sometimes- I just wouldn't come (either didn't hear you or just wasn't able to move). As my memory recalls, I did come almost all of the time, minus one or two- maybe three. Sadly, your last night, I sat with you, but then I had to go to my bed around 5 in the morning until 7:30am. I wish I hadn't. When I did come, I never did a good enough job. I should have sat with you. Hold on- Koi wants to get out of the tub....xoxo

I'm back. Koi is on the bed and hey- it's only 12:30 on a Saturday night. I saw the north star tonight- maybe it was a cell phone tower- I couldn't tell. There are two bright stars, and maybe one is a cell tower. But as I looked up, I thought of you. You used to star gaze at night- sometimes I would join you. You would contemplate the Universe and all that is in it. You would tell me about other solar systems and galaxies. You were such a man of science. But you also taught me to have faith. And I do. I know you are with me somehow. Somewhere, maybe in another dimension. There are things that happen that I cannot explain. I can't help but think it's you. You continue to take care of us, despite not being here. When I ask for you or need help, somehow you- or a part of you- emerges and helps me. I do believe you are with me. Sometimes I feel so despondent, though. Sometimes my faith is weak. Sometimes it is strong. I have good days, and bad days. Lately I've had so many bad days. I can't help but think about all the ways I failed you as your caregiver and daughter. I'm sorry for being so selfish. I'm sorry for only thinking of myself and my needs. My sleep deprivation and my health. I should have thought more about how you were suffering. I should have came up with another option besides a hospital bed at home. I should have advocated for you more- for more therapists and nurses to help. I should have made more things happen, instead of hoarding medical equipment and thinking more meant better. I should have focused more on your needs- your health needs. I should have listened. I should have sat with you more. I should have tried to feed you more. I should have created high calorie, low density foods and soups for you, instead of pumping that disgusting formula in you. I hate myself. I don't ever want to move on, and yet I have to find a way to acknowledge how I failed you- but to continue in your honor. Right now I am unable to do anything. I feel frozen in time fro

Hi, Dad. It's "only" midnight and I am wide awake. But Koi is cranky and full of anxiety about going to school tomorrow. I know this is what you'd say... "go to her- you're her mother." So I'm going to keep this short and I will write you in the morning, ok? I need to cuddle her and reassure her so she goes to sleep feeling secure. I want to get to her before she dozes off. You always had such a soft spot for Koi. She was your everything. And you were my everything. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you infinitely. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. It's Monday. I just dropped off Koi at school, bleached my hair for a second time and now I'm getting ready to head to my Shrink appt. She's a new Shrink. I'll let you know how it goes. You know how skeptical I always am. Gee- I wonder who I get it from? 🙂 Anyhow, I love and miss you. Of course, you will be on my mind the entire time. I love you to the moon and back. I'll check in a bit later, ok? Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi again, Dad. It's still Monday but it's now evening, so I may as well post another virtual "present" instead of writing on this thread. So here I go. I actually started this post, like, an hour ago, but Koi must have seen me trying to write, so she had to get out of the tub. Lol. Anyhow, let me post a new picture/present, ok? Love, G <3

Hi, Dad. Gosh it's "early"- 11:11pm. Koi is in bed, but I bet we won't actually go to sleep until midnight. We seem to be programmed for midnight no matter what. I'm eating Frosted Flakes, and of course, I'm thinking of you. You introduced me to the best cereals in the world, and I still eat them all: Raisin Bran, Frosted Mini Wheats, Cocoa Puffs, and Frosted Flakes. I miss you so much, Dad. I met my new Shrink today and I didn't care for her too much. I don't think I'm going back. It was an intake session, so it took 90 minutes. MK went with me and she was livid when I came out. I later found out she was starving (of course) and as soon as I got her some lunch, suddenly, like magic, her mood improved. I can't get over how some people are so damn moody when they're hungry. Sheesh. I don't like this Shrink b/c her office is down the street from the VA. Plus, there is no free parking. Deal breaker. Lol. She looks like your typical uptight white woman. She is very smart, adores Patkar, and really has zero sense of humor. I can't relate. Basically she thinks I need to find something I love doing, and I'll be cured lol. MK thinks I will never be cured. I know that. I don't see the point of therapy. Not unless you're paying someone to listen to you talk and you actually like that person. I don't feel a connection with this person. I hate how therapists always tell you how busy they are, and yet you always seem like the only one who is going in their office. Noone was before or after me lol. Did I mention how livid MK was LOL? So that's that. I don't think I'll be returning. The thing about therapy- is that it doesn't cheer me up in the least bit. It makes everything more painful because I have to answer questions and attempt to talk about why I'm upset or sad. It only makes things worse. I don't think talking about things helps. I mean, I do talk about things- but I write about a lot of what I am feeling- to you. I don't want to say it makes me feel better, but it is a

Hi, Dad. We got something in the mail today from the VA. Did you know about it? I don't quite understand it, but they processed the claim I filed back in November. This is in addition to the DIC stuff. I don't think the survivorship document you left for me mentions any of this, but I don't need to tell you what it says, right? You have always worried about MK and always were concerned about taking care of her after you were gone. I know this, because you talked about it a lot. Talking and planning for your passing is amazing if you ask me. Most people don't plan. They don't do anything in preparation of their old age. You and I- we just didn't see a stroke coming, did we? We both thought it would be MK who would suffer a stroke- not you. We both thought your final days would be spent as you. I mean, you were still you- and thank God, you didn't lose your personality. But I know you lost some skills- and you didn't want to tell me. I knew some of it, but I didn't want to dwell on things. I was so hyperfocused on getting you healthy again- I didn't focus on the "gee- he just taught himself how to text me again" which was amazing. I told MK how you taught yourself how to use the phone and text w/o any help. You were so very sick, honestly I didn't think it was important. But it was really important, because you were then able to contact me- when you were in the hospital. You were okay during your first stay, but the second (two week) stay was horrible, wasn't it? You were put on a different floor, different ward, and everyone was shit. You called me, and the best I could do was, well- not much. At least you were able to come home that Friday instead of being stuck for another weekend, right? But yeah- that was a horrible stay and I didn't even see the point of it. I wanted you home and I wanted you to start eating and get stronger so we could start therapy- physical therapy. The VA did nothing for you in trying to get you mobile again. It broke my heart and enraged me

Hi, Dad. I thought I'd send you a different virtual "gift" tonight- a lovely "non-Catholic" Cross, they call it. I am still looking for a cross necklace- I haven't found anything I like yet. Aunt Nancy bought me a really beautiful silver necklace that says "I love you to the moon and back." I have it hanging up in my room next to the beautiful ornament she gave me. It's a beautiful silver picture frame with your obit picture- the original from the Wheeling Intelligencer- in it. I don't know how many copies she bought, but I thought it was really kind to send us an original. I posted your obit in the Wheeling Intelligencer, just like you instructed. I also posted your obit, with picture, in the Washington Post. I won't even tell you how much it cost- but the WaPo also sent a lovely copy of the obit- it's, like, a frameable picture of you with the obit, wrapped in cellophane. I should frame it. Right now, it is resting against our lamp that sits on top of the tonsu. I have so many pictures of you on the tonsu now. I took some old pictures of you from Vietnam and put them in a (poorly done) collage and framed them for you- when you were still with us. Your nurse, Colleen, told us that your long term memory was as sharp as a tack and I should put up old pictures and talk about old times because they were familiar to you. I tried, but I didn't do a good enough job. I failed on so many levels. But I won't take tonight to just be self-indulgent with the guilt and blame. I'm a black belt at that, right? Did I tell you I went to therapy this week? It sucked. I guess I need to find yet another therapist. Why do I not like everyone I meet? Sigh. MK has a doc appt. this week- I think it's a follow up from prior re. her blood pressure medicine. She can barely walk these days. I have to drive her right up to the door of any place we go. She doesn't even like to shop anymore- she often waits in the car while I go in. Same goes for grocery shopping. She doesn't really do any shoppi

Hi, Dad. I was going to post flowers tonight and I accidentally posted a dove. So now I'm thinking it was no accident, and the dove posted itself. I dunno. I've been thinking about you a lot today and yesterday. I haven't cried, because I've been with Koi and I don't want her to see me sobbing uncontrollably. You know how she gets scared when she sees people crying- especially when she sees me crying. So I've just toned it town a notch and trying to "cry gracefully" if there is such a thing. I don't think you should ever suppress your emotions, unlike MK who does nothing but suppress her emotions. That's why me posting on your wall is so good for me. Heather, our Funeral Director, says she will leave your page up until the end of time and I can always post words to you forever and ever. I'm so thankful for this. It's like an online diary- that's public, of course (but I'm fine with that- if someone actually wants to read all of my ramblings about how much I love and miss you, so be it). Anyhow, I'm kind of rambling right now, as a matter of fact. I've been thinking, again, about all the ways I failed you. I thought about the way you left this earth- you were thinking and hoping that help was coming. I told you someone was coming, but I had not yet called 911. I was overly concerned about making sure you needed help and also making sure everything was presentable, per MK's wishes. It was so wrong of me. I felt like I lied to you- I did, actually. I gave you false hope. Your nurse, Colleen, told me that you were referring to the Angels- you wanted me to call the Angels. I don't know. Did you see Angels? She told me she started seeing them two weeks before you passed away. And she also told me that although you didn't see them, you *felt* them around you- and that was what was making you scared. She also said that you 100% meant for me to call the Angels, because that is who you knew were coming for you. Is that correct, or was Colleen just trying to make me feel bette

Hi, Dad. I'm just lighting a candle until tomorrow when I can write more, ok? I am falling asleep sitting up- I don't know why. Koi is out of the tub and snoring away in bed. I'm trying to write, but I keep dozing off. I love you so much, Dad. You are our catalyst for everything. I love you to the moon and back. I'll write in the morning, ok? It's the weekend, so I will have plenty of time. I love you so much and I miss you infinitely... Love, Jen <3

I don't know what happened to the day and now it's 1:30 in the morning (next day) and Koi is snoring, so I don't want to type too loudly. She woke up super early this am and got us all up lol. We didn't do much today but we did take her to Jump Street and for fries- walked around the block, saw a frog, and that's about it. Candle is still burning, right Dad? I love you so much- and I'll write tomorrow. I keep my mind busy with documentaries on YouTube because I don't want to feel pain or the hurt of not having you in our lives. I watch mindlessly all day, everyday- in the hopes I can just forget how painful life is without you. I promise to do better tomorrow and actually write you, deal with my feelings and reality, and convey my thoughts to you, coherently. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. I watch a lot of docs about Cambodia, Thailand, and Vietnam. I am in awe of your life and everything you accomplished. <3

It's Sunday afternoon. I just couldn't wake up this morning. Koi was up before 8am- probably closer to 7, which is good. Not me- I woke up at 10am, and I could hear MK asking Koi "where is your mommy?" Lol. Lazy me. I have only managed to go to WalMart for drinks, change the bedding, and that's about it. I'm sleepy, as I usually get around 3pm (it's 3:20pm right now). I don't know what to do with Koi today. I would like to take it easy, but I am not sure what she will ask to do- I hope we can just go out for steakhouse fries, since Chick Fil A is closed today. I hope she doesn't ask for "Jump Street" but if she does, I hope she asks for it soon. I hate it when she asks to go at 6pm- they close at 7 or 8 on Sundays, I think 🙁 She doesn't like being pressured to leave when they are closing up- it really upsets her. Speaking of upsetting Koi, her teachers now want her going through the side door from here on out. She used to walk through the side door, but she noticed the "normal" kids all get to walk through the front door/where the buses let them off. Well this year the class is understaffed, and therefore, not enough staff are there to assist her in walking to class on her own, but with a shadow. I told them I would let her walk herself, but they won't allow it. It's like the worst of both worlds- the County says she's independent enough to not need a 1:1 and yet she can't do anything a normal kid can do. So she is stuck going through the back doors in life and basically having her rights stripped all in the name of "safety" but at the same time, will not qualify for 1:1 assistance. I can be completely honest here, but I don't dare say any of this stuff publicly. Teachers take it personally, but you know me, it's not meant to attack teachers. I'm upset with the county, the legislators, our government, and leadership- who all think special ed doesn't need as much funding as it really and truly does. You get it- you always did. What should I do? A wise man once told

Hi, Dad. I can hear the thunder outside, so I thought I would post some sunshine in the hopes that the storm passes by tomorrow. Today was a decent day. We did nothing and I have no guilt from it. Koi and I just hung around at home, but I cuddled with her, and we watched our respective devices together. It was fun. Then, we went to Longhorn Steakhouse in Apex for some fries (her) and steak (me and MK). For once, me and MK actually got our own steaks. It was her idea. I didn't really need my own steak, but whatever. It was decent. Then, I went home with Koi (thank God she didn't ask to go to Jump Street), and I walked her around the block numerous times in her stroller. I can't wait until we get her new stroller. It'll be two or three months, assuming her pediatrician fills out the paperwork with no issues. I went into your room to talk to you, and for once, I didn't cry. I think it's because I left quickly. If I stay too long (at night- especially on the weekends), I burst into tears. I just miss you so much, and your room is just how you left it. I organized your mail, but it's still in piles. It's not because of laziness. I want your room to be yours forever. I want it to always remind me of you. What is the point of cleaning it out? I never understood why people cleaned out rooms. Why did you go back to Memphis and clean our your Dad's stuff with Nancy? I guess it's a part of healing? I know you told me you were looking at your Dad's shoelaces and burst into tears because you were so sad at what little he had. Honestly, I think it's a gift not to leave your kids to clean up a lot of junk. What he did was really a beautiful thing. He didn't accumulate a bunch of junk. Nancy says she is starting to throw out stuff in her house so Kim won't have a ton to clean out when she passes. I guess MK isn't hampered by that 😉 She is pack-ratting business as usual. She buys TJ Maxx shirts every day and her room/closet is about to implode from within. Her closet also has your

Hi, Dad. Well- another day is over. Koi fell asleep on her own in her bed (yay) but she has got no pj's on, so that's going to be fun (dressing her while she's asleep). I've been farting around, as you would say, on the computer, doing nothing. I took MK to the DMV today to get her a handicap placard. I know she doesn't need one because we just use your license plate. But I thought it best if she had one of her own, in the case we have to turn in your veteran plate. Koi has her own placard, too, but it expires next month. I intend to renew hers (you basically have to apply all over again), but there is always a chance her pediatrician will not do the paperwork (although I don't see why not). You're not supposed to share placards, even though one woman at the DMV told me to years ago- so anyhow blah blah blah- MK has her own placard. Then we went to Marshall's and then up to Wake Forest for some onion rings. We found a Sonic drive-thru up there on our way back from seeing you at Arlington, so we stopped in. We were craving onion rings, so we made the drive up there for those onion rings. Burp. 🙂 We also stopped into TJ Maxx but we didn't find much- just a few shirts. We also stopped into TJ Maxx in Knightdale, and so I am pretty shopped out. LOL. I spent the afternoon in the water with Koi. Not at the pool, but in our blow up pool in front of our house. She keeps saying "no water the yard" and yet she wants to jump in the pool in front of our house. Go figure. I'm not sure what we're gonna do tomorrow- she keeps saying "no water the yard" so I don't know what else we're going to do. Our lovely neighbors are having yet another roof (shingles) put on. The roofers seem nice enough- our neighbors are out of town, so they're not even here to oversee the work. They are so strange. I don't get people, Dad. I loved that's what I had in common with you. I loved how we used to laugh at people and mock them- and life in general. Those days are gone and I miss them so. You made

Hi, Dad. I'm so beat. I'll just write you a quick note, and I'll check in again tomorrow, ok? I went to my version of a spa today- got my nose pierced a second time so I have a double piercing. I know you would hate it. I also got another tattoo- just a small one on my hand. You would hate that, too. But it was nice for me to do some stuff that I truly enjoy, apart from being a Mom. Don't get me wrong, I love being a Mom more than anything. But sometimes it's just nice to be by yourself and do a few things on your own- that you enjoy. I know you get that. I was watching a special on RV's and how these "snow bunnies" or whatever they are called (old folks) travel the world in their RV's and it really breaks my heart that you and MK never were able to do that. You were always too busy taking care of me and helping me get back on my feet when I made bad decisions. I always used to joke that you were going to live forever. I wish so much I never said those things to you. I wish I didn't blow you off like that. A part of me just didn't want to talk about you ever leaving me and another part was in denial. I'm sorry. I feel like crap about it. I miss you so much. I would give anything to have another minute with you. I would tell you how much I love you and how important of a person you are to me. I need you in my life, and you'll always be a huge part of my life. Speaking of- Aunt Nancy wrote/emailed me today. I didn't get a chance to respond- but I will tomorrow morning. Koi is jumping on the bed, so I better attend to her before she gets up. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you more than anything. I'll write tomorrow, ok? I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3 p.s. you are the best Dad in the Universe <3

Hi, Dad. Your family continues to try me. I heard from Aunt Nance yesterday and I wrote her back tonight. She replies to me and it just really upset me. She knows how to make me feel like crap w/o even trying. She commented on how she never felt like she had a brother until the last few years of your life. It was nice, she says, to actually feel like she had a brother. She is clueless. And if you were here, you would tell me that she is self-absorbed and incapable of seeing anyone else's perspective other than her own. And you would be correct. I also made the mistake of mentioning that I still have your hospital bed and wheelchair in our possession. Unlike when Ian died and they got rid of everything that was tinged with his ownership within a 24 hour period, I make other choices. I choose to hold onto everything that was yours. I wish she would respect the fact that not everyone thinks like her- and that's okay. She really lacks respect sometimes. And it pisses me off. I'm sure I could be less rude, but I wouldn't be my Father's daughter unless I was an asshole, right? So I wrote her back and I wasn't very nice. As she would say "such is life!" She always brushes really upsetting things with that comment. Talk about minimizing everything. Some people deal with things like me- I dwell on everything and cry and am depressed. And other choose to forget their pain and move on. That's what she does, and good for her. I'm not that way and I don't think I need to change. I don't expect anyone to take away my sorrow except for me. And I don't want to. Let me grieve in f'ing peace. So I'm just going to go to bed. I'm sorry that my mood translates into a crappy post on your wall. I will make it up to you tomorrow and write something of semi- value and positivity. I miss you so much, Dad. I saw the firefighters who used to come to our home last year to help us. They asked about Mom and gave everyone their best. They asked if you were a General. I corrected them- just a Colo

Hi, Dad. I just read the first sentence of my post last night "your family" and I realized that it's not just your family- it's my family, too. We are family. I'm so stupid sometimes. Aunt Nance wrote me back and I don't want to say she apologized, but she did explain herself. I thought she felt like she didn't have a brother b/c of the way you treated her. But no- it was because of your "almost four" year age difference, you going off to college and then joining the Air Force and being overseas for years and years. That's the reason she gave me... so. Whatever. I wrote her back and she wrote me back, yada yada, etc. I have to write her back now. She is grateful for the last few years of your relationship with her- how you looked out for her and emailed her everyday. I know you felt worried for her. And when you were sick, you called out for her. That I know- you always did love her very much. I feel very protective of you- so when people say things about you, I sometimes jump to conclusions and become very defensive. Gee I wonder who I take after. Speaking of- the reason why I haven't written today is because of her- MK. She was hell bent on going to H Mart today, so I took her. And I paid for all of her crap food, and then she ate too much and felt sick. Then I took her to the Durham TJ Maxx and I actually found four shirts (yay) and a gold necklace that was on double sale- score. She found a couple of shirts, but one of them got ink on it. I think the cashier took the sensor off too roughly and the sensor spilled ink all over her shirt- so we had to turn around and return it. Same with H Mart- she picked a bag of mecans where one was smashed and rotting, so we had to turn around and return that. So I've been grouchy all day. The way she is just has really bugged me today. I don't know why I have such a bug up my butt lately. I think I'm frustrated with Koi's schooling/education. She has a good teacher and she's at a good school, but the higher up's are what's bug

Hi, Dad. Surprise, surprise, it's super late again. At least Koi and I took a short nap this afternoon, which is why she is bouncing off the walls and it's 2:30am. Your Suub wasn't ready today, as they said it might be. They painted the front of the car, but it didn't match (I know, a pet peeve of yours), and so the auto body shop person called me and said she is having them paint the front of the car- again. I know this would drive you crazy, but at least she is trying to get it to match. Like you always used to say "there is no right or wrong in a car accident." Noone "wins" right? Ugh. I could throttle that dump truck. Anyhow, here is hoping that USAA will go after the guy who backed into me- because if they're too lazy, they'll just pay it and hike up my rates. The police report makes is so obvious that it wasn't my fault, so hopefully they will get the other guy's insurance to pay for all the damages. Seriously. Anyhow, Koi has been really sweet today. I stayed up late waiting for a BM (TMI?) and that is why it's so late. Plus, that nap. Anyhow, she has finally stopped jumping on the bed and laughing hysterically, so maybe I will join her in bed in just a few. My arm- my new spaceship tattoo- is having a hard time healing. I have been putting too much lotion on top of it and I have inadvertently locked in all the bacteria and germs. It was starting to smell and it was warm- and I had no idea why. You think with all the tattoos, I would have figured it out. Anyhow, so I washed off my tattoo really well and exfoliated it gently. Then I put some hydrocortisone on it plus some Aquaphor on it, and it started itching again. Then I read that petroleum based products are a no-no, so I washed off the Aquaphor and put on Hydrocortisone again. My arm started itching- again. I washed it yet again and this time I put nothing on it. It felt better, but then it started to crack with dryness, so I put just a tad of Lubriderm on it. nope- still itching. Last time- I washed it a

Hi, Dad. I am sad tonight, but for some strange reason, I am also feeling hopeful. I think it's because Koi has school tomorrow (after being at home for five long days) heh! She's going to track out next week, too- Lord help me! Anyhow, I guess that's why I'm in a better mood. You know I love Koi more than anything, but I also love my alone time. MK loves to nag me on what I am not doing for Koi. I miss you in my corner, Dad. You used to always stand up for me- you were my one and only advocate. I guess I was a Daddy's girl. I didn't realize this until you became sick. I could not see my life without you. I still can't. I often don't want to live a life without you. I didn't know this is what would happen, and I certainly didn't appreciate the significance of you not being here would have on me. It's really hard to cope most days. But wait- I said I was feeling "hopeful" today, didn't I? So I should save the self-pity for another night, ok? Well, I guess I should get in the bed soon. It's almost midnight and yet I am wide awake. Koi and I slept in today, and I'm glad we did, because she is a lot better today. She had a fever Saturday until Sunday morning. She was able to rest Sunday and today, and I think she should be good to go by tomorrow. So today is a four day week. Saturday is a make-up day, but it's just a half day. I don't think Koi will be going, as we need to start on our road trip up to see you. Yep- I can hardly wait. This weekend will be special. I don't want to say "celebratory" because it will be very heartbreaking. But I still do look forward to seeing you- being close to you. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so very much. Anyhow, I forgot to add- the following week will be Koi's last week until track out. The Friday will no longer be early release, as the snow make up day will extend that day for a full day. The other make up day is during track out, so Koi's track doesn't hav

Hi, Dad. Mom and I went to the Golden Pig- it's a newish Korean Restaurant that opened around the time you were sick. I think it was open before- maybe at the end of 2016, but I am not sure. We went there and it wasn't nearly as decent as we remembered it to be. Korean food always reminds me of you. It's been a hard day. I've fought back a lot of tears (in front of MK who of course, also misses you). She keeps saying "I thought he was going to live until at lease 80." And "his body just couldn't keep going. He wanted to live, but his body was sick." She's right. That's pretty much the extent of our talks about you. I always tell her how much I miss you and how I just can't believe you're gone. I saw a "one year ago" post from Facebook today about how they couldn't take your blood and it just incensed me. I don't want to go into it, but it just pisses me off all over again. Incompetence, scapegoating, denial, lies. The medical model can just suck it. And I now loathe teaching hospitals. I used to see the value in them, and now, to me, they are nothing but an avenue for making desperate patients to be guinea pigs. I hate them, as I hate professors now. I have come full circle. I wish I joined the Air Force out of high school. I wish I had done something with my life to make you proud of me. I feel like I did nothing with my life. And I continue to do nothing with my life. I doubt I will ever do anything or make anything of myself. I had such high hopes and aspirations to be somebody. Ever since college, that is. I thought I could be special and make you proud. I've become one of the biggest losers I know. My own Mother hates me, and my daughter, although she loves me, she has zero respect for me- because MK constantly undermines me. That and well- I don't think I exactly earn her respect with the stupid choices and decisions I make, either. I feel like such a fool. I hope you were able to see how much I loved you when you were sick. Even though I made so many mistakes

Hi, Dad. I'm going to apologize right off the bat, because my throat is hurting and I've felt sick for most of the day today. I should have napped, but I thought it would make me feel worse. So I stayed up and then Koi napped for two hours after school! Anyhow, I've felt blah ever since lunchtime- no idea why. I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. I'm embarrassed to even mention it to you, given all the extreme suffering you went through during your last year. It's humiliating for me to even talk about it- so why am I? I don't know- I guess just to say that I'm not going to write very much tonight. I feel really sleepy and sick- nothing like what you went through, but I'm not used to feeling sick, so it's just wearing me down. I've been thinking about you so much today. This week is your week. Like you, I am sentimental. Seventy-eight years ago, your Mom, my Grandma, was getting ready to give birth to her first child. I wonder how she felt. Was she nervous? Scared? Excited? What was Grandpa feeling? Was he excited? Worried about finances? Scared about being a new Dad? One of my favorite stories you told me was the one where your Dad, my Grandpa, took the money your family had that was supposed to pay for a new bed (for you) and instead- bought you a brand new bicycle. That's my kind of Dad. You were that kind of Dad- fun, caring, and always put his/your family (kids) first. God, I miss you so much. Thinking about you brings me to my knees and brings me to tears. I love you so much. I miss you so much. You are the absolute best Father in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Oh look- a friend sent you flowers. How nice. You are always on peoples' minds. I wish so much I could hug you one more time. I miss you so much. I wish that you weren't so sick during the last eight months of your life. I feel as if I just went into autopilot mode and never really had the chance to talk with you. Honestly, I was too scared. I was afraid you were too sick to understand what was going on. And I didn't want to have any conversations that would cause you to lose hope- because even though I always had hope, I was always looking at the worst case- and I didn't want you to sense that from me and worry. I remember once when a doctor wanted to talk to me not in front of you. You said "uh oh, that can't be good" and I just wanted to strangle that doctor for saying it right in front of you. Turns out, it wasn't even all that bad- just the usual negativity that the medical model spewed at us on a daily basis at the VA. Don't get me started about them. It's almost one year since you passed and I have one more year to think about "how" accountable to care to make them for basically doing nothing for your care. No PT, nada. I could scream. Sometimes I do. I have a cold right now, and I have no idea why it's 1am and I'm still awake. I was so ill and sleepy, but then I took a motrin and I'm as good as new, minus a sore throat. But I do need to hit the sack, after obsessively trolling the Internets for an hour. I should have written more, but I'm going to wrap this up and continue the rest later today (Friday), if that is okay. I always make promises to write you again and I usually don't deliver do I? I promise I will this time. I have a million things to do for MK tomorrow, but I promise I will have time. It's Friday after all. I'll be seeing you this weekend, ok? I love and miss you so much. You are the best Father and Grandfather in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. I lit a yellow candle, because I know MK would want me to, even though she

Hi, Dad. What a nightmare tonight, eh? Thank you for being there for me. Boy, did MK flip out on me. I thought it was going to be disastrous. I asked for your help, and like always, you came through for me. I promise I am not praying all the time for your help (too much). But this time, I really needed it. I am exhausted. It's 2am, and I better join Koi and go to bed. I have to get up at 8am at the latest tomorrow (today). I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love and miss you so much. Love, G Kat <3

Ugh! I think I just missed your actual birthday. Ugh! Well, for what it's worth... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dawg. I love you so much. We got home late tonight- around 8ish. We had a "detour" at Sonic and TJ Maxx in Wake Forest. Instead of taking 85 all the way to 70 (since it's under construction), I veer off the Rt. 1/Capital Blvd and head home that way. It's actually much quicker and breaks up the trip nicely. When we were in D.C., the "losing air in tire" light went off on the rental car. Luckily, I put some air in two of the tires with lower air pressure, and the light went off. There doesn't appear to be a flat (knock on wood). And the good news is- we get your car back on Tuesday- which is earlier than the expected return date. I can't wait. I missed the Suub a lot. It was nice visiting your grave yesterday and today. It was raining and cold today, but I think you would have liked the weather, as long as you were indoors, in front of a fire, sipping some hot cocoa and wearing a flannel shirt. I miss those times we used to have together. We both loved the fall so much. The weather has already started cooling off in VA, eh? In NC, it's still hot and sticky outside. It was a good visit, and too short, as usual. We went shopping at the BX yesterday and MK got Koi a North Face hoodie, and a really nice Air Force ornament that we will hang on the tree this year in your honor. She also got Koi a beret that she (Koi) picked out. Go figure. That's Koi, right? I sent some pictures to Rick the Younger and your sister. They both enjoyed them and wished you a Happy Birthday. Rick Snyder says he will pay his respects the next time he's at Arlington. His Father is also buried there. I'll write again in a bit. It's going to be a late night. I am still waiting for Koi to do her business- and I can't send her to school until she does so- or else she'll get a tummy ache, and I'll have to pick her up, just like I did on Friday. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I love and miss you

Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you so much. There isn't a day- a minute- that goes by, where I don't think about you. I wish so much I could see you, hold your hand, hear your voice, laugh at one of your jokes- just one more time. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad and Grandpa in the Universe. Koi and I love and miss you so much. We had a nice visit, didn't we? You have a beautiful spot, but it's still not the same without you. I love you so very much. xoxo, G Kat <3 (insert the Blue Mountain cat doing the splits- I didn't send you a b-day card, but hey- maybe I will tomorrow, ok?) xoxo

Hi, Dad. As usual, it's super late here (2:30am). I should have gone to bed earlier- Koi fell asleep around 1am. Like you, I'm a night owl, and I've been laying on your bed, watching YouTube. I miss you so much. I've been emailing Nance earlier this evening. She had a funny story to tell about her doctor and getting a colonscopy lol- I'm sure you know what it is. Anyhow, sometimes I just don't want to go to bed out of some anxiety I have. It hurt so much to not have you here. I don't want to feel the pain, and the only time I am not feeling pain is when I'm asleep- so why don't I go to sleep? It's hard to explain, and I don't really have the answers. I wish so much I could find peace, but it's impossible just knowing the type of person I am. I am so devastated and distraught. I would give anything just to hear your voice one more time. I love you to the moon and back. I guess I should try to wrap myself "in the arms of morpheus" as you used to say. Sorry this is so short- again. I'm tired, I suppose- and yet I am wide awake. I love you so much, Dad. Let me write in the morning. Oh, and I know you must have had something to do with the fact that we sat in very little traffic coming home yesterday. Thank you. I love you, Dad. I hope you are having a big slice if birthday cake with Grandma up in Heaven. Happy Birthday to Grandma- and you, of course. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Where have the days gone? I feel like I have been sleeping this week away. I slept for most of the day again today. Luckily, Koi joined me off and on. I woke up around 9:30pm and made a dash to Longhorn Steakhouse in Apex to get Koi some fries and cheesecake. Let's just say it "did the trick" and no enema was needed 😉 MK is enema obsessed and I hate how much she focuses on Koi's bowels. Sorry TMI. Anyhow, it's 3am now, and I am finally ready to go back to bed. I changed the sheets and had to change the blankets in Koi's toy room and had to run a couple rounds of garbage to the dumpster- plus getting Koi's "dinner"- I guess I've been quite busy for it being late at night. It reminds me of the days when Koi would wake up at 3am and all of us would wake up with her. I could always count on you to get up with us. MK would often sleep- because that's just the way she is. But you would always get up with me- and you would go to the bakery as soon as they would open at 7am in order to get her breakfast. You did that for over a decade. You did so much, Dad. To this day, Justin at the bakery, misses you- he knew you long before I met him. We haven't been to the bakery recently- because Koi lost her taste for croissants. I think that's okay, given how fattening they are. Now, I get her a big choco chip cookie- and two kids cookies- for her after school snack. It's better than fries. She no longer eats fries for dinner, either- unless it's the weekend- then she will eat two medium fries- from Chick Fil A. She no longer goes to McD's, either. I think she is making positive changes with her diet. Baby steps, right? Anyhow, sorry for the mindless tangent. I love and miss you so much. I think I am just trying to avoid how I feel lately. It's labor day weekend tomorrow and I am reminded of so much. I'm reminded of my first wedding anniversary- boy, that was a lesson in life. You were always there for me, Dad. You always picked up the pieces of my life when it crumbled. Yo

Hi, Dad. It's "only" 1am, but I am so pooped. Koi is snoring and I am going to join her in just a second. I promise I will continue this tomorrow. I kept meaning to take a nap today but it just didn't happen. The good news is that we got the Suub back. It is looking good, although the passenger window doesn't work from the Driver's seat, if that makes sense. Koi can control her own window, but I cannot control her window from where I sit. So, I'll try to see if it can be controlled in any other way. Fingers crossed MK is a bit livid, but what else is new. I'm too tired to even think about it. She has been in a horrible mood, and being so difficult to live with. I am hoping she'll be in better spirits tomorrow. Oh- and I got a flu shot so I feel a bit feverish and achy tonight. I am going to lay down and hope I feel better tomorrow. I know my whining is nothing like the pain and suffering you endured. So I feel so pathetic even mentioning it. I love and miss you so much. I don't want to think about how much I miss you. It's too painful to think about. So I am going to sleep so I can avoid having to grieve. I can't bear it. I love you to the moon and back. Love you so very much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I can't believe it's "only" 11pm. Well, Koi "delivered" early today- 9pmish. She also went to her horseback riding lesson/session today as well. We aren't doing Horse and buddy anymore- we're doing "Horses for Hope." They give Riders a LOT more autonomy. Koi has to brush the horse that she rides each week (which she has zero interest in doing, so guess who ends up brushing the horse. It's okay- it's kind of fun. Today, Koi fed three horses some apples we brought from home. You would have loved it, Dad. You always had an ability to talk to horses. I used to call you the "horse whisperer." I loved how you used to walk up to horses at Horse & Buddy and spend time with them. They were definitely talking to you, that is for sure. Today I felt the same way. Apollo is a sweet boy horse and he watched Koi feed Sienna two apples with such a sad and envious look on his face. But he was well behaved the whole time. Good thing we noticed him and fed him (and Snow) one apple each. It was fun. Koi got such a kick out of it- she saw the horse teeth and burst out in laugher (and ran away). It was a bit scary, feeding a horse and having his teeth come so close to my hands- but I was really careful. Apollo was a sweet horse and Koi did great. Today was only her second lesson, but she really did seem to love riding. Anyhow, I am so pooped. I haven't slept well all week- and neither has Koi. I hate to be this way, but I seriously need to go to bed and sleep. Tomorrow is Koi's last day of school before a three day track out. I'm thankful the half day/early release is now a full day, so I am going to do a few things around the house- change the filters (in MK's room and the main hallway). I keep falling asleep, so I am going to cut this short yet again and finish up tomorrow- I promise! I love you so very much, Dad. I miss you so much. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I miss you to pieces. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. It's "early" again (11:45) and Koi has been asleep for awhile now- she passed out after her shower, probably around 11ish. I'm sitting on the floor next to her bed, watching YouTube in all of it's (junky) glory. There is so much crap- good crap- on here. I miss you so much. I miss sharing things- my thoughts, listening to your thoughts- current events, Mac stuff, everything. I know I used to roll my eyes about all the Mac stuff, but now, when I hear about an update- I listen. Everything Mac reminds me of you, and it reminds me of how I wished I had listening to you more. When you were sick, you lost interest in computers- and it really didn't dawn on me until the very end. What I did notice, was that you re-taught yourself how to text and call me. You never ever asked for help. I admire that so much about you. You have always been so proud and stoic. I just wish I could have done more. I was so hopeless when I look back. I can't believe it's almost been a year. It's been the worst year of my life- well- yes. Even though I have had horrible times in the past, you have always been there for me- and that is what made my life not-so bad (even during the bad times). Not having you here makes me feel so utterly alone and sad. Life is so lonely w/o my Father and best friend. You couldn't not be funny. MK and I were laughing about something you said before you got sick- something about me and how you told me I should watch my language, or else Koi will learn from me and say "f you" to her teacher "and then it'll all be over." Everything you said was just so funny because of the way you delivered it. I miss that so much about you. We both laughed so loud, but then I quietly cried and cried- to myself- because it reminded me of how much I miss you. I think Koi saw me crying. She always gets so concerned when I'm upset, and then she gives me hugs and kisses. She is so in tune with some people and their emotions. Even though she gave you a bad time- at times- that was

Hi, Dad. Boy, I'm falling asleep- and I know why. It somehow got to be 2:30 in the morning. How on earth did it get so late/early? We got a late start today, I guess. Today was Koi's first day on track-out. We just kind of took it easy, and left later in the day to get Koi fries (and me a salad). Then we walked around the neighborhood several times and came inside for a bit. I guess the hours just kind of rolled by, since we weren't following a schedule. I've been thinking about you a lot today. I wish so much you were still here. It's not fair, and I know you used to always tell me that life ain't fair. It's not even fair in death, is it? I just miss you so very much. The pain of loss in unbearable. Sometimes I can't take it. Luckily, I can just go to bed to hide from the pain. I don't know what tomorrow holds, aside from getting a new shower head. The shower head/shower massage that you installed in the front bathroom finally kind of busted. The round thingy that holds the actual shower head (the detachable part)- split, and now the entire head falls off. So I either need to get a replacement round piece that is not covered in mud or dirt- or... I dunno. I'll go to Lowe's tomorrow and use MK's military discount (she loves that) and get a new head. You did so much around the house, and I want you to be proud of me. I installed the new fridge filter and it works- and I also replaced the furnace filters yesterday. I love you so much, Dad. I'm going to bed- I'm sorry for the brevity of this message, but I am falling asleep. I will write in the morning, ok? I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Thanks so much for your help tonight with the shower head. I know you had that giant wrench, and I remember seeing it "somewhere"- and I vaguely recall seeing it *not* in your toolbox, but I couldn't remember where. You guided me to go into your room and open up the drawers to your bachelor's chest. Ta-daa. There it was. It was so painful to see your clothes laying there. You had two new pairs of khakis that MK and I got for you from the VA Hospital's "px" that was in the basement. They have a mini-shop in there, and they had your size (the 29 inseam that you always had such a hard time finding). We got you a brown pair and a black pair. You never were able to wear them. We thought you were going to get better. I'm so sorry we were so naive. I prefer to call it hopeful. I don't think we were living in denial- but I also thought you were going to live a lot longer, even with the level of care you needed. I'm just so sorry. I miss you so much. So I did find your giant wrench and I was able to take off the shower head that you installed for me and Koi. It finally broke- the thing that held the shower head split- not the washer, but the round thing that screws into the shower "plug" or whatever you call it. It split, so it wasn't able to hold up the shower head anymore. I got a new one from Lowe's and we went home (after Koi had her fries and I stopped at Walmart for food)... and I installed it. The metal (fake metal) track was coming loose, so I just ripped it out. Then I took your pocket knife and used it to "saw" the leftover glue off where the track used to be. It looks much better now, and there is actually a ledge now around the tub. LOL. So as it stands now, the shower is basically gutted. The doors fell off, the track ws just ripped out, the shower head has been replaced, and now I put a shower rod, curtain, and well- that's about it. I think you would be proud of me- that I was able to do a few very minor and basic tasks in order to maintain the hous

Hi, Dad. Koi just fell asleep and it's "only" midnight. I have been sitting on the floor here, vegging out to YouTube and Koi's been on the bed, doing the same. We got a lot done today- which was her first day of track out. You'd be proud of me- I got Koi (and MK) their flu shots. I remember you used to tell me "I have seen what disease can do" and I'll never forget that. So, I'll always vaccinate Koi, because of the stories you used to tell me about polio. I got my flu shot about a week and a half ago. It should be kicking in about now, right? Anyhow, so they both got their flu shots. MK went to Walgreens b/c she didn't want to go to the doctor's office, and Walgreens accepts Medicare. And yes, she got the double strength shot for seniors. I think they automatically give it to you these days, but I did see on her receipt it said "extra strength" or something to that extent. We also went and got fries for Koi and MK went to H Mart and got a bunch of her crap. Literally, right? Lol. I walked around the block a few times with Koi in her stroller. I can't wait until she gets her new one- it should be soon. And when I replaced the shower head and ripped out the track in the shower, there were six holes that were left- where the screws used to be (that held the track in). I bought some waterproof caulk and caulked the holes- and it should be dry by tomorrow. I caulked it after our showers, so I'm going to let it dry for about 24 hours. I also cleaned out the garage from old inflatables (from summer), but don't worry- your chair and hoyer lift are still there. I'm not ready to give any of that up. Probably never- but I don't know if we will one day move, and I'll be forced to downsize. Anyhow, what else, what else. I feel like I did more, but I just can't remember. I feel like I've done a lot, compared to my usual do-nothing self. I did change the furnace filters and the fridge filter. But I told you about that last week. I took MK back to H Mart and she got some more ora

Hi, Dad. I was going to write you last night, but Koi pulled me in next to her, and I thought to myself "I'll write Dad after I put Koi to sleep." Well guess what? She put ME to sleep. I woke up around 3:30am, all the lights on, and it was all I could do to just turn off the lights around me and cover her. So, my apologies! I knew you would understand. And here it is, like nine hours after I started writing this. Sorry again. You know how it is with Koi, right? I used to be so rude to you- I know I was terrible. The more I think about it, the more I just hate myself for the way I acted. I was always so stressed out with Koi. I used to snap at you- especially in the mornings when you would try to come out of your room in the mornings. I'm so sorry, Dad. I know you didn't mean anything by it. I over-conspiracy theory everything, and I'm sorry for acting like you did things on purpose when you didn't. I know you understand, though. You always understood me. And you know me more than anyone else in the Universe. We got your Subaru tuned up today. All is well, although we had to pay over three hundred bucks for everything- emissions, tune up, and re-alignment. I was hoping it didn't need to be realigned, but it did. To me, it still pulls to the left, but maybe it's just because we aren't on any level roads. I need to take it on the highway and see if it still pulls. You taught me everything I know about cars. Imagine if I would have listened to you. There were a couple of issues with the car that turned out to be non-issues. It was me not knowing the car- a couple of lights were on, and I thought they were malfunctions when it was me just bumping certain lights. Yes, I made a fool of myself. All is well- I'm used to it. So the car is good to go for awhile. I just need to take it back to the body shop next week and get it buffed. As you know, I was in an accident a few weeks ago- a dump truck backed into me. So the hood was crumpled like an accordion and they had to re

Hi, Dad. Well, Koi is still sick. She woke up at 5am with a raging fever. She's been taking Tylenol every six hours, but her fever creeps back up if the Tylenol wears off. Poor thing. Nancy has been emailing me, as she is dogsitting while Kim and Stan attend the Ole Miss game. She says that Kim has an adjustable King sized bed that is comfy. It makes me realize that we didn't do anything for you when you came home. MK and I did get you a Sleep Number bed, but it arrived broken- can you believe it? It didn't recline/incline, and so we returned it. We just couldn't wait the 6 weeks it took to deliver, so we cancelled, thinking we could get something better. Then, when the social working said we could get a real hospital bed for basically free- of course we jumped on that, thinking it would be so much better than a sleep number. Boy was I wrong. I thought a really nice bed would come, and all that came was an inflatable piece of crap. It's still in our living room, btw, because I cannot bear to get rid of it. It's the last piece of furniture you laid down in. So I'd like to keep it for awhile. Personally I'd like to keep it indefinitely, but I have a feeling MK will force me to get rid of it in the far future. I don't even want to think about it. Anyhow, my point being that me and MK really didn't do anything much for you and I feel terrible for it. I realize it's too late. A day late and a dollar short, right? But these horrible feelings of regret really just stare at me, and I'm looking at them. Either way, they win. The people who made the adjustable hospital bed did a horrible job, and the people whose job it is to make sure you were provided for at home completely dropped the ball. The Sleep Number people were entirely clueless as to the importance of the bed, which was why I did not advocate getting another one. The hospital bed was a piece of junk. Looking back, MK and I should have gotten you a King size, adjustable bed. I hate myself for doing nothing. I go in

Hi, Dad. I've been so tired today. I'm just going to light a candle for you, because it's just a "I'll be back" later when I wake up and write you a note that makes some sense. I ended up going to sleep last night at 7am, waking up at 10am. Koi woke up at 10am, too- she slept for just four hours. So she is asleep now- she's been asleep for almost an hour, and I've been cleaning the bathroom and just sitting here, trying to get the energy to go to bed, if that makes any sense. Weekends- long weekends- are tough, because I think about how much I love and miss you. I would give anything to see you just one more time. Things just aren't the same w/o you. MK and I ate Pho today and it wasn't the same w/o you. I'm not just saying that- but we just don't have as good of a time w/o you, Dad. You always lit up a room with your infectious smile and wicked sense of humor. I love you to the moon and back. And I miss you infinitely. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I'll continue this when I wake up in the morning. I hope I can get at least six hours of rest. I miss you so much, Dad. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I know Labor Day weekend has nothing to do with you being a Veteran. But a day to honor those who work(ed), of course reminds me of you- because you worked your entire life. Even after you retired from the Service and also from your Gov't job, you continued to work as my Dad- and boy, was that a full time job (even as an adult). I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and everything you have done and given me throughout my childhood and adult years. You have instilled in me a work ethic, integrity, kindness, compassion, humor, and most importantly- insight into the world around us. You have always been hypervigilant (sp?) and acutely aware of the world and your environment. You always used to ponder life with me and I loved it. I loved hearing you think out loud and you raised me to always ask questions and not to blindly accept truth (with a capital T). I think, honestly, this is both a gift- and a curse. Because when you question everything- you question everything. I am constantly questioning my decisions, and the way I conducted myself during your illness. I was listening to McCain's funeral service, where Biden gave a very heartfelt eulogy. He commented that one should always remember how a loved one lived- and not how they died. And that there will come a day when mentioning your name will first bring a smile to my face, before it brings tears. I think I've repeated myself, but those two comments really resonated with me. MK isn't the biggest McCain fan (lol), and I didn't get a chance to listen to his entire service. But listening to Biden's eulogy, well- it made me think of- and appreciate you so much. You were such a strong, loving man. You had compassion, and yet you were firm. I honestly have completely forgotten how ill you became at the end and how frail you had become- I mean, I haven't forgotten it, but that's not how I see you- nor will it ever be the way I see you. There is no shame in being ill- but my memories of you are focused

Hi, Dad. I can't believe it's 3 in the morning and I'm still awake. Koi is asleep and so is MK. I'm in your room, on your bed- surfing the net and procrastinating going to sleep. I truly am my Father's daughter, aren't I? I don't think it's a bad thing, although I am going to be hurting tomorrow morning- in just a few hours. I better cut this short tonight, because I wasted so much time doing nothing and watching a bunch of junk on YouTube. I printed out a few pictures from your Interment earlier this evening- the one where I am kneeling down next to your coffin. Cousin Kim took that picture and I really do love it. I also printed out a couple of really nice ceremonial pictures from your Interment, along with a picture of Koi standing in front of the Washington Monument. MK and I talked about you tonight- how much we miss you and how we really thought you were going to be with us a bit longer- at least five more years. We know you wanted to live. You had so much life in you. So much so, you had the pacemaker surgery done. I really do blame the doctors in Cary for bungling your surgery. And then I blame the VA for not giving you adequate therapy in getting you moving so you would recover. I know it's really not pc to blame people, but I don't care. You and I trusted those doctors, and I don't think they did a good enough job. I can't bring you back, but I would give anything if I could. I am so heartbroken. Sleeping is the only thing that numbs the pain. So why don't I go to bed? It's a catch-22... because I have anxiety about sleeping, but once I'm asleep, I don't want to wake up. I love you so much, Dad- and I miss you infinitely. I love you to the moon and back. I just ordered a tiny pendant says that. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you so much- and I miss you. I'll write more tomorrow/later today. I'll try to be more positive. It's hard sometimes. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. As usual, I am falling asleep- sitting up on the floor of my bedroom. Sorry. I need to continue writing you tomorrow when I am more awake. I am practically snoring while sitting up. Tomorrow is Koi's IEP. Please think good, positive thoughts for us. I so want to get Koi the support she deserves. I hope she gets it. She deserves it. She is now running up and down the hall- oops. I better put her to bed. I love and miss you so much. I can't stop thinking about you and all of the poor judgments I made last year. I'm going to escape my feelings of hopelessness and and see where this path takes me. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Here I was, getting ready to write a lot on your wall, and I just fell asleep sitting up :/ Ugh. Koi's school meeting went okay- fairly well. Koi is still awake on the bed- she seems quite tired and I am not sure if she is teary. So I may have to jump off and attend to her. Teenage years have presented themselves with a lot of hormones and emotion at times. Sometimes she cries for (apparently) no reason and other times (the majority of the time), she laughs for no apparent reason. Okay, she seems ok. I think. I was talking to you in your room and telling you that I love and miss you when all of a sudden your pacemaker phone lit up. I don't know what it (you) were trying to tell me, but it was lit up- the lights all flashing, reds and blues. The date- January 17, 2017 was lit up, too. I'm not sure what the significance of that date is. You were apparently fine that day?

Oops- I accidentally hit "share" too soon. But I was wondering the significance of the January 17th date. Was it the day of a surgery? Did you have pacemaker surgery that day? I cannot remember. I recall you had one surgery in December and one in either January or February. I wish so much I could remember. I feel like you were trying to tell me something, because the phone literally lit up after I talked. I dunno- or maybe it was just a coincidence. I miss you, Dad. I hate it when the weekends come, because I have more time on my hands to think about how incredibly heartbroken I am that you are no longer here. But on the on the other hand, I like the weekends because I have more time to catch up on my posts to you, plus I can sleep in a bit. I miss you so much, Dad. I'm going to cut this short b/c Koi is crying now for some reason. I think she's exhausted b/c it's 1:30 in the morning. She just doesn't get enough sleep b/c we all sit around, waiting for her to do her business so she's not sick the next day. And here we are- almost 2am and she is cranky and weepy- and of course I am crabby too. I better go and cuddle her- I know that is what you would tell me to do. You would tell me not to take out my fatigue on her and you would always give me great advice. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I love you to the moon and back. Until tomorrow (later today), ok? I love you immensely. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well, Koi has been asleep for close to three hours and I need to go and join her. I promise to write you when we all wake up, whenever that is- Saturday morning, I hope. MK said she had a dream last night where you were visiting us- see my explanation in the last thread. Ugh Koi's tossing and turning, so let me lay down. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I love you so very much. I miss you and sleep is the only pain that numbs the hurt and loss. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I've been slacking bigtime on my posts to you. I think I just wait too long until I write and by this time I'm falling asleep. I was nice and awake for most of the day and I should have written you then- not now, at 1:30 in the morning. I miss you. Did I tell you about the dream MK had about you? She told me you are doing well b/c she remembers her dream so clearly- you were driving in a silver car to come and see me and MK. You had a big grin on our fact, too. I so wish I had a dream like that. But it's ok. I think about you obsess about you and how much I miss you every single day. I feel so much pain and hurt by your loss. I'll never be the same again. It's okay, though- I don't want to be the same again. Because my life will never be the same again. It's as if all of your dreams and hopes for the future come to a complete stop. You want them to, though- because what is the point to have hopes and dreams if you are not here to share them with. Right now, I am just existing- going through the motions day to day. Maybe I'll have a decent moment here and there- and that's really good enough for me. My decent moments are usually one where I'm experiencing a memory of you. You filled my life with wonderful memories, Dad. You were the best Dad in the Universe- and I loved you so very much. You were my everything, and there will never be a day that goes by where I don't think of you. I love you to the moon and back. I will write more tomorrow when I am more awake. It's almost 2am, so I better lay down for a bit. I love you so much, Dawg. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm posting a big bear hug for you tonight. I am so sorry I have been such a slacker in posting nightly notes to you. It's important to me, and yet I have not been treating it as such. I wait until the end of the day, and by then, I'm falling asleep b/c my evening meds have kicked in. Ugh. Excuses, excuses. I know. Today is my birthday, but you know that. I love my birthday story you used to tell me- it was a beautiful fall day in Tachikawa Air Base, Yakota, Japan. MK went to the hospital- I think in the morning, and by the time she had me, it was around 1pm and it was just a beautiful day outside. You have a good memory of me being born, and I love that. I used to wonder why you and MK waited for seven years before you had me. But now I understand your reasoning. You wanted to wait until you came back from Vietnam- so you wouldn't leave MK a widow in case anything happened to you. You were always so thoughtful- in each and every thing you did. You planned everything and lived your life with thought and integrity. I miss you so very much. I'm going to hit the sack, as Koi is laying right here waiting for me. I know you love her more than anything, so you understand me needing to lay down with her so she can fall asleep. She has school tomorrow, and hopefully she'll make it 🙂 I intend to make MK take me out to lunch, despite her resistance to celebrate me being another year older. I know I'm a bit old- beyond middle aged, as you would say- and it's silly to celebrate birthdays at my age. I know it's nothing to celebrate. But I need a reason to smile- so I'm going to celebrate. I have had the worst year of my life- but I know it's nothing compared to the year you had. I feel so selfish wallowing in my misery when you are the one who suffered. But I am. I'll try to get better about it. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. My life feels so empty without you in it. I love and miss you each and every day. I'll write you again on my birthday- because the days ar

Hi, Dad. As promised, this is my second post on my birthday lol. I had a decent day today. I was sad for most of it. Plus, I had a migraine. I think with the hurricane coming, the air pressure was different, which caused my head to hurt. Of course, my head didn't hurt nearly as much as yours did last year. I can't get over how I didn't take you to the hospital sooner. Please please forgive me. If I could do March 6, 2017 over again, I would have taken you to the ER as soon as MK and I got back from Mebane. Actually, I wouldn't have gone to Mebane at all. I can't even bring myself to go back to that place, as it represents bad decisions to me. I am so sorry. Instead of saying I was going to take you after I picked up Koi- I should have taken you right away. I am such a fool. MK and I were looking at pictures of you today and commenting how good you looked- even right up until about a week before you passed. I know you had wasted away and were quite thin. But you looked very good with clothes on. You were so dapper and handsome. I have some pictures of us that I will always cherish. I even have a brief video and you sound so gentle and grateful for what little I did. And you believed me when I said we were going to get your COPD under control. I thought we were. I am so sorry for letting you down. I'll never forgive myself for all the bad decisions I made involving your care. I love and miss you so much. I was really depressed today- although MK and I did enjoy looking at pictures of you- and older pictures of you and Koi. Koi loves you so much- and I know how much you love her. I wrote your sister today- finally after over a month. She is doing well- dogsitting a lot. Both boys are at Ole Miss and liking it. Kim goes to Ole Miss football games with Stan. I had a nice birthday. I snook away and got a small tattoo today- a little rocket ship, because it reminds me of you. Remember that story you told me about how your teacher said when you looked out the window, you sa

Hi, Dad. Koi has a headache tonight- I think it's her head (and not her tummy), so I have to make this short (again) just so I can lay down with her- I'm sorry. I miss you so much, Dad. There isn't a minute in the day that goes by, where I don't think about you MK made me go to H Mart earlier today, due to the impending "hurricane." We got some dried persimmons- because hey- every household needs that for a hurricane. We also got some water and another six pack of cokes. I got gas yesterday so I didn't get any today. I refuse to wait block(s) long lines, like in the 70's... for gas. Nope! So we are okay on gas, although now I am paranoid that we need to top it off, but I think we'll be okay. That's just the Type A in me. Gee I wonder who I got that from... 🙂 Anyhow, Koi is on the bad and I think she always wonders why she gets headaches. I can hear her scripting and being confused about her head hurting. I told her she needed to rest and maybe cut back on her phone usage. "No! she replied on cutting back the phone usage. Ah "just like her Grandfather" is for sure. I'm sorry I keep falling asleep while I'm trying to write coherently to you. It ain't working out. But I will say that I love and miss you very much. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you terribly. There isn't a second that goes by here I don't think of you. I love you to the moon and back. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well you'll never guess what happened today. I was sitting at a stop light, minding my own business. MK and I worked hard in the morning to get "ready" for the big hurricane that is coming. We got gas, cream for coffee, pop tarts for Koi, and a loaf of bread. Oh and we picked up a sheet cake, too. Then we brought it all home and I thought I could take MK to TJ Maxx for an hour before we pick up Koi. Well we were sitting at the stoplight when this huge dumptruck starts backing up. There is a car behind me, so I have nowhere to go. I lay on the horn over and over but he keeps backing up and "crunch!" he backs right into the front of the Suub. The hood is crunched like an accordian and parts of the trim under the headlight is broken off as well. The hood won't close all the way although right now it's still driveable. The police wrote up the report, and I believe they told me not to worry, although they can't really charge anyone at the scene, since they weren't a direct witness. But they took down all the facts and they kept saying I had nothing to worry about. We'll see, right? There is a $500 deductibe that, of course, we have to pay. We may get it back if his insurance company won't accept liability. I hope they do, as the driver of the truck was clearly at fault. But he had a horrible attitude, was yelling at MK and seems to be the kind of guy who either lies or yells at women. You know how some men get off on that, right? Anyhow, that was our adventure for the day. I go tomorrow morning to get an estimate on the damage I just want to nightmare to be over and it hadn't happened. I'm grateful we all are okay, though. Koi wasn't in the car, thank God. So that was our big adventure and I am exhausted and stressed. I'm sorry about your car. I hope to God they don't total it out so we have a car to fix. I can't bring myself to say good bye to that car. I also hope they can fix it, as the structural damage seems extensive. Fingers crossed the estimate won't be

Hi, Dad. Will you channel some sunshine our way? So we are expecting a hurricane. It's been downgraded to category 2 (as opposed to the initial category 4 status), but there is still supposed to be torrential rains, flooding, and possibly some power outages. Oh I hope we do not lose power! Can you imagine? Koi? With no Internet? Oh geez. Will you channel some dry thoughts our way? I've been emailing Nancy back and forth. She's doing okay. Plugging alone, as usual. emailing her just makes me miss you all the more. The fact she grew up with you makes me feel closer to you when I email her, but I also miss you terribly. I think it's unfair how you got your life cut short. You knew you were dying, too. And I really didn't pay attention, did I? I was being too self- absorbed. I hope you knew how much I loved you- and how I really would have done anything for you, despite me complaining all the time. I love you to the moon and back. More in a sec but Koi is calling me... brb ok?? love you so much.

I'm baaaack. Koi needed a cuddle and now she's ok. She's become quite moody in her tween years. Gee- I wonder who she takes after (cough cough). Anyhow, I saw that Arlington National Cemetery is also on alert for Hurricane Florence and to stay tuned for any updates. I hope things will be all clear by the time we come up to see you. I'm sure it will be. Well, I'll say good night, as Koi looks a bit emotional again and I should join her this time. I love you to the moon and back and I promise to write you in the morning. Love youse so much, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well here I am again. Falling asleep while sitting up, but this time, Koi is already asleep! I think she had a headache, poor thing. She kept telling me "I not sick" which usually means she is sick. I don't know, but she fell asleep shortly after getting out of the tub. So I'm sitting here on the floor next to her, and I keep falling asleep while sitting up. I'm pathetic. I talked to you for a bit in your room before coming into my room. I regret not telling you how much you meant to me. You used to say "you'll miss me when I'm gone" and it was a way that you used to advise me to listen to you some more. I wish I had. Sometimes it was in oneear and out the other. And you were such a font of knowledge. You knew so much about Macs and life in general. I told myself that I would save your emails- which I did- so I could use them as a reference on life someday when you're gone. But now that you're gone, it's too painful for me to go through old emails- emails where you wrote me. Especially the ones before your stroke. God, I just hate myself for not getting you to the doctor that day sooner. I have so many regrets. It's so exhausting to think about al of the ways I failed you. You fought so hard to stay with us for eight long months. I know you struggled. I wasn't oblivious, but I was so tunnel visioned in just getting you better. I know I'm rambling, but right now, I'm having such a hard time with you not being here... I'm rambling a lot. People who are used to being in the spotlight aren't used to having to listen to me, and so some "friends" I had to say good bye to but that's okay. I doubt they were friends to begin with. I'm rambling again and dozing off. I keep promising you that I will write and by this time at night I'm literally falling asleep while sitting up. I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I should try to tuck in Koi (who isn't wearing pajamas) and get to bed myself. I hope the rain lets up tomorrow. We are in the midl of a hurricane and so the rain is an

Hi, Dad. Well, Koi's fever finally broke and she's been fever-free ever since she woke up today. Good news. Tomorrow there is no school, however, because of the hurricane. We didn't get any damage, thank goodness, but other parts of the County are still w/o power and have some damage (trees, flooding, debris, and power lines). We were very fortunate, so basically we just get another day off. All we had to endure was 1) panic, 2) lots of rain- but not too much, actually 3) more panic, 4) stores selling out of everything, including things we use every day, like coffee and plastic utensils, and 5) even more panic (and no bottled water). What are people going to do with all of that bottled water? Well in Morrisville, of course, they all return it (which makes it unsaleable). Great. Anyhow, so that's that. I guess we're not out of the woods yet, as the rains are not over. I was just thinking about how different our "evacuation" plan would have looked last year, as opposed to this year (i.e. we had no plan this year, as we are all mobile). Last year, with you being on oxygen and not as mobile as you once were, we would be panicking big time. It makes me so sad, because you should still be here. I don't understand why. I'm still devastated. And to top things off, I'm in a rental car and MK is giving me excuse after excuse not to go up to Arlington next weekend. But she will not "win" this one. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down. I don't do it often, but I am going to this time. It's important. To you and to me. I think she understands the significant for other reasons. To her, it reflects poorly on her- and that's all she really cares about. For me, not only does it reflect poorly on all of us, but it also, in my opinion, reflects poorly on you, which I will not tolerate. So we are coming no matter what- barring another major natural disaster or a life-threatening illness with one of us. Aside from those two things, we'll be there. Sigh. I've been talking to Aun

Hi, Dad. It's 3am... yikes! I have to gee up in three hours! But I wanted to let you know we all made it home safe and sound. Boy, what horrible traffic we sat in- both ways. 95 was bumper to bumper all the way and 85 was slow as well (because of construction). I ended up taking Rt. 1 South, which is actually Capital Blvd down to 540 and home (with a TJ Maxx detour). I loved visiting with you and I just wish we had more time together. I will book those other two dates tomorrow- as soon as I get the chance. I also need to call the local VA Office and get someone to fill out one section of the tax document (for MK). I don't know why they need someone from the VA to fill out a part of the form, because all of the paperwork you need to submit is from the VA to begin with. It is what it is, I guess. I love you so much, and I will make sure to take care of this matter for MK. I'm doing it because I know you would do it for MK. I love and miss you so much. I am so honored to visit you at Arlington, but it's so difficult to come home and not have you here with me. I love you to the moon and back. I will write more tomorrow (today), ok? I need to catch a few quick zzzz's- especially since Koi was up last night from 2:30 until 7am. I love and miss you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I did not write earlier today, and I'm sorry it's so late right now (12:30). I guess it's not as late as it's been on some nights, but I was asked by Koi's TA to get her to school earlier 🙁 That means I need to wake up 15 minutes earlier, which really translates into 1/2 hour earlier b/c I move twice as slow before 6am. Anyhow, I need to get Koi to school by 8am b/c the schedules are different this year- stricter b/c of more students. It sucks. I don't think she's in as good of an environment this year. They combined the ID Mod and AU classes this year and the class is at maximum capacity- 10, I think. I was hopeful that Koi would get a 1:1 but it is no longer looking positive, just from what the TA implied. I hate how the County brushes you off- they are a lot like the VA. I have so many beefs with so many people and institutions. It's like I am Last Duck's daughter- oh wait- I am. 🙂 On a better note, I finally went into Sprint and bought our phones. Well, MK did. She has been pushing me to switch carriers- but we can't do that until we are first free agents and actually own our phones outright. I don't want to upgrade- I'd rather own an older phone than have the latest technology. I know you always made sure we had the latest phones, but it's not as important to me any more. I want to hold onto the phones you bought us for as long as possible. They all remind me of you and I want to keep them as they are. So we bought the phones and that will cut our monthly payment in half. I didn't know it worked like that. We actually finished up our contract several months ago- probably over 6 months ago. We were paying way too much and the least payments were no longer being applied to what was owed on the phone. It was a waste of money and I was doing nothing about it- for fear that I would have to turn in the phones. Plus, you had talked about switching carriers back to AT&T and I still think we'll eventually do that. Baby steps. It's hard for me to mak

I love you, Dad. It's 1am again 🙁 So I need to hit the hay. I had to wait until 10:30ish for Koi to do her bidness, so that's why the late "start" to the evening routine. I remember when I used to head to the VA at this time- I wouldn't show up until 1am, often. You were asleep and I used to feel so bad. I woke you, too. But it was selfish. I really just wanted to talk with you. But you often just fell back asleep. I felt badly I had to leave early, too- usually around 5 or 6 in the morning, so I could take Koi to school. I wish MK would have let me head to the hospital earlier than she did. She used to make me wait until Koi did her business and then I'd have to put her in the tub and wash her. At least she let me visit you, but I hated how I had to do it on her terms. Anyhow... I digress. I met with my nut doctor today and he's quite pleased with my "progress." He's going to wean me further off the anxiety meds, which is good. All they do is make me feel dizzy anyway. I'm going to see another therapist next week as well. The psychiatrist handles the meds and the therapist handles, you know, talking to me. It's a racket, I know. That's the medical model. Anyhow, I love and miss you so much. I feel so empty without you here. I would give anything just to have one more day with you. It's too overwhelming to think about. I'm going to lay down- and I'll write you again later on today. MK wanted me to switch us all bak to AT&T but I keep telling her that you have to spend a fortune in order to save money. She doesn't get it, but she will soon. I'll switch us soon. Maybe even tomorrow, although I'm going to ask MK to wait just a bit longer. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. You're the best Dad in the Universe. Always will be, too. Love youse, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well, I started off early tonight, but it's already midnight. How did that happen? Oh well, at least it's not 3am, right? I think the web site is working again with all of my posts. Maybe it was never down- maybe I was just posting too much. Anyhow, I know I mentioned that I had a really nice visit with you over the weekend. Sometimes I'm just so incredulous about the fact you're no longer with us. It is beyond heart wrenching. It's unbearable. I keep thinking you're still here. MK and I have a good laugh when we both think of an expression you used to say. I do the "Dad" imitation and we both laugh. You always made us laugh. I hate how your head hurt you so much during the last eight months of your life. I don't know how much you remembered. And I hate that. You have always been so incredibly sharp. And you were still sharp- but your memory was spotty. Your short term memory was damaged but your long term memory was sharp as a tack. Your personality was a little different. You were still funny as heck. But you were kinder, if that makes any sense. I loved your devilish sense of humor. After the bleed, you still had a devilish sense of humor, but you didn't say anything mean- ever. You were positive. It was kind of strange. But you taught me so much. You always were such a great teacher of life. I hope I can one day make you proud. Sometimes I am just in a hurry to see you. I miss you so much. I bought a ring today. I can't seem to find the one you got me in Thailand. The 22K one. I have no idea where it went. I wore it when you were in the hospital and when you came home, I took it off- and then I lost it. But it must be somewhere, right? I bought another 22k ring today. There is a new jewelry store that opened up down the street from us that is Indian-owned, so they carry nothing but 22K gold. I bought a ring with a tiny Ganesh on it. There are four diamonds- two in each ear. I don't know if they're real diamonds- probably not for the price- maybe they're

I'm back. Gosh it took half an hour. I'm an idiot. I did manage to book those two dates- yay. I'm so glad we'll be able to see you on those two special dates. I inadvertently created a new hotel account b/c I wasn't able to log into MK's old account- something about too many cookies. So I had to email their customer care center and ask for the reservations to be merged into the old account. Always something, right? Anyhow, I'm just so glad I managed to snag those reservations. For the room we wanted, we got the last one in Sept and the second to last one in Nov. Anyhow, so now I guess I better get into bed with Koi. It's now 11pm and it's not as early as I had hoped. I promise I will write tomorrow. I have had a few cat naps and hopefully we will sleep almost 8 hours tonight, barring any "tummy hurt" episodes (fingers crossed). Again, I so enjoyed seeing you/visiting you this last weekend. Your spot is so very peaceful. There isn't a day/minute that goes by where I don't think about you, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and you will forever hold that title. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3

Okay, so I think your page is now officially working, knock on wood. I'm sorry I have not written in a few days. I had such a lovely visit with you this weekend. It was hard, but you are in such a peaceful and beautiful spot. You are close to a beautiful tree that provides wonderful shade mid-afternoon. I was eaten alive by mosquitoes, but hey- that's okay. There is too much foliage right now to see the Washington Monument from your marker, but you can see the Air Force Memorial and the Pentagon from where you are. They are doing turf "renovation" on your block, so of course the grass is all brown. But hey- we're used to that, right? Our lawn is always like that lol. I enjoyed having coffee with you and I'm sorry we showed up so late on Saturday. I cannot believe how much traffic we sat in going both ways. It took us almost six hours each way! I guess I should have left earlier, but both times, Koi was up all night and we ended up sleeping in. Actually on Saturday I woke up at 8am even though we were up until 3ish. But we still made it and I crashed that night. Koi woke up at 2:30am b/c MK went to the benjo and woke up Koi. Then she was up until 7am and finally went back down from 7-10am. We missed our "free breakfast" and I'm surprised MK was okay with that. We had a beautiful room/suite. It was huge. So huge. Oh thanks for reminding me. I need to book a room for both September and November. I hope they have availability. Hold on.

Hi, Dad. Let's see if this post works. Testing, one, two three.

Hi Dad. Okay so today (Monday) was the day from hell, so I didn't get a chance to write you until now. It's "only" 10:30pm, though. It's an improvement, right? I'm going to light another candle and write you there, ok? I love you. Love, G Kat <3

You were such a sweet looking, yet mischievous, young lad 🙂

Hi, Dad. I miss you so much. You were much like this Teddy Bear... so loving and kind. You may have spoken truth to power back in the day, but at home you were a kind, gentle soul. I miss you so much, you have no idea. I feel so horrible all the times I seemingly brushed you off to do other things. I wish I would have made our time more of a priority. On the one hand I did, but on the other hand, you knew the "pressures" I had. I always felt like I was in the middle of you and MK. The only difference between the two of you was that you were realistic and you understood the predicament I was in. If I chose to hang out with you over MK, she'd get butt hurt. Like the few times I chose to go to the movies with you, she would throw such a passive aggressive fit over it. It was just easier to go out with her all the time and tell you I would rather go shopping. I think a few times I told you the truth- how I felt compelled to hang out with MK over you when Koi was in school. I'm sorry. I wish I would have chosen you. I knew you were sick. I knew you had less time on this earth, and yet I chose to hang out with MK. I know any person reading this would think I am so crazy for writing such a thing. But it's an only child thing, I think. You always feel in the middle of your parents. I know you understood me, Dad. You always did. You would always say "I don't care" with a smile or "I know, I know- go shopping with MK- she needs you more." And you always let me off the hook. I so appreciated it. But there were times where I actually would have preferred to hang out with you. That's why the few times I drove you to the doctor, we always had lunch afterwards. Even me telling MK about it made her so jealous. God, she's so immature. Anyhow. I enjoyed the one time we went to the French restaurant after your ablation procedure. Little did I know going to Cary Cardiology would be the beginning of the end for us. I hate them. I thought they were helping you. They told us that you shou

p.s. thank you so much for the flowers- whoever sent them to you. We love you <3

Hi, Dad. And thank you to whomever sent you those beautiful flowers online. You see? Someone, somewhere, is always thinking about you. It's me, and others- so... not just me. Am I making any sense? I'm tired, but I don't know why. It's only midnight, and I slept pretty well last night. I just snook (your word) a piece of sheet kek (cake) from the freezer (MK must have been hiding it lol). It was good b/c it was somewhat fresh. We order a sheet kek every ten days and we eat it for breakfast, Koi included. I think you would have really liked it. I know it's a bit too sweet for your diabetes, but still- better than nothing, right? I don't think I will ever eat pumpkin "punkin" bread again, because it reminds me too much of you. I miss you so very much, Dad. I am in so much pain and anguish, because I miss you so much. Tonight, I went through your wallet, just so I could be reminded of you. I looked over your signatures on your cards. You were in between one card and a license. I online ordered you a new license with your old picture- it probably was a picture from 2007, because you were still chubby. Anyhow, your license expired in September of last year, so I renewed it online. You also got a new credit card, but you never signed it. I have your old credit card still, the corners nipped off so I know it's the old one. I was living my life as if you were going to get better. I was planning and doing things for you until you were able to do them yourself. Christ, Koi is fake crying now and running up and down the hall. She was in her room laughing one minute, and now she's talking to herself in the hallway. She's going to wake MK up. Sigh. Anyhow, I miss you. Going through your wallet just reopens that pain, but I do it anyway. I look at your desk, bills all piled. Paperwork organized according to who it's "from" etc. I haven't the heart to clean anything up. I'm, like, the opposite of your sister and Kim. They cleaned everything up that weekend, didn't they? They thre

Hi, Dad. I still can't believe you're gone. It's still surreal to me. I always thought you'd be around forever, even though I knew in reality you were not in good health, especially these last few years. Still, though- your life could have been prolonged had you been given the proper rehab and treatment. Anger, sadness, despair, disbelief- it's what I feel constantly, every minute of every day. Honestly I'm just not doing very well. You prepared me and MK for you not to be here since the 80's. But still, when the time came, I have never been so ill prepared. If it wasn't for Heather, well- I wouldn't have been able to do anything. I just paid my D.C. Bar dues, and I was looking over my old emails, trying to find the receipt for last year's dues. I'm in good standing and yet I have no email saying I paid. And they still have my old last name on file. WTH, right? So I wrote them a letter, attaching my divorce decree (again lol) and I also paid my dues for 2018. I have no record of 2017, but I know I must have paid. This is how out of it I was- I just can't remember if I paid or not. I guess I must have- because I'm in good standing. I went into your man cave and got another stamp, I hope that's okay. I used one of your letter-sized envelopes and I printed out a letter and a copy of my divorce decree. Good to go. It all reminds me of you. Just being in your office, touching your stapler, using your paper clips. It all reminds me of you. Oh, I did buy more printer ink for the printer. I guess I return a lot of stuff off of Amazon lol. This time, I actually bought ink off Amazon- I went to Target today and compared prices (it's the same). This time, I opted for the "XL" cartridge. It got bad reviews, but I'm going to give it a try b/c I'm lazy. It's supposed to last twice as long, but we'll see. Anyhow, I'm now using your Amazon account, even though I have one as well. I like using yours. I take comfort in receiving emails that are addressed to you. In a way, it keeps yo

Hi, Dad. It's almost 1 in the morning, so, like last night, it's late. Last night we actually didn't get to bed until 2:30 in the morning! Anyhow, I'm aiming for 1 or 1:30am and even that late, at least it's an improvement, right? Koi and I get our second winds after our shower, so we are definitely night people. Anyhow, I miss you so much. Where do I begin? I can't say what I did but you know what I did. I got rid of some of your meds today and I'm trying not to think about it too much. I have a sentimental value attached to everything that was yours. But I figured that medicine is best not in the house, anyway. Plus, I have many other meds I can hold onto that were yours. Pills are pills, right? You took so many pills. The ones I was familiar with was during the last eight months of your life, or rather, the last two months of your life. It was hard crushing them up and putting them through the g tube. I don't know how you even remembered to take them yet alone know what they were for. You used to try to tell me about all the meds you took, and I'm sorry for not paying attention. If it's any consolation, I knew in the end exactly what you took, how much, and when. I knew more than you did. I tried to, at least. I never felt like I did a good job. I tried. But I don't feel as if I did a good job. I heard someone say "survivor's guilt" the other week, and that phrase kind of stuck with me. Maybe that is what I have. All I know is that I keep busy all day and when it's nighttime and I am alone with my thoughts- I want to die. But I used to tell you about my depression, and you always gave me good advice. You used to say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So well put. So I keep on, and I know I should feel better in the morning. I usually do. Actually, I am so tired in the mornings, it's all I can muster just to get out of bed, have coffee, and get ready to take Koi to school. She has only one more week left. I can't wait until she is out. She has

Hi, Dad. Here are some flowers for ya. I miss you so much. This weekend is Father's Day weekend, and I know it's stupid to have a day devoted to Fathers, when it's a 24/7 job. And it's not like we ever really celebrated Father's Day back in the day (did we?) I used to send you Blue Mountain Cards (back when they were free) and I loved that cat that used to do the splits and make a round circular motion with his "hands." You loved it, too. We had so many inside jokes and things that made us laugh together. You were really my BFF- back before there was such a thing as "BFF." You and I used to laugh and laugh so hard over things, whether they were social events or whatever. We'd laugh over certain "Mom-isms" too- like words that MK would incorporate into her vocabulary that didn't exist. She'd merge two words to come up with a new word. Examples would include "Blump" (plump and blimp) and "Rolling Valley Roll" (that isn't a mom-ism but she used to call the Rolling Valley Mall "Rolling Valley Roll." "Get one, get one free" (Buy one, get one free). "Hailey Milly" (Hailey Mills)... I guess I could think of a few more but I'll stop b/c I'm totally dozing off. I guess my evening med is kicking in and I'm doing the evening nod. Koi is slowly starting to doze off as well (I can hear her deep breathing and about to snore), and now it's already 12:30 which means I've only written a small paragraph in 30 minutes. Aw, Koi is asleep now. Poor thing. The lights are all on (I'm in my room) and she fell asleep waiting for me. I wanted to write a lot tonight and I thought I had tons to tell you. I guess my meds make me sleepy but that's ok- I will just tell you tomorrow. You're okay with that, right? Tomorrow is Saturday (or today rather) so I'm guessing we'll sleep in just a little it. I already promised Koi I'd take her swimming today, so hopefully the weather will cooperate. Today it was supposed to rain and thunder but it was hot hot hot and sunny (loved it). I love days like to

Hi, Dad. I think I was supposed to write you today, wasn't I? And I totally dropped the ball on that. I should have posted a basketball, eh? Lol. I dropped the ball b/c I was soooo tired last night, I promised I'd write you this morning. And of course forget b/c we woke up around 9:30 and I just couldn't get my butt in gear today. And of course even though I woke up "early" (9am) b/c Koi was kicking me all night plus I had to shomben. But anyhow, MK wanted to eat. So I woke up, put away a ton of clothes I bought this week (sorry), and then I went to Zebon Hibachi, which is so close to where we live. So close. I took Koi swimming, and despite waking up early, we didn't get there until around 1:30. We stayed until closing today- the day just flew by. Then, we went to Chick Fil A and Koi didn't eat very much. On our way out of the pool, they were setting up for "movie night" which means- you guessed it- free popcorn! I grabbed two, knowing you'd be proud 😉 Koi gobbled those up in the car, which is why she just wasn't very hungry by the time we got to CFA. Oh well, right? Popcorn is probably better than CFA fries anyway, right? I'm falling asleep again. I took my meds and I can barely stay away, darnit. I posted a Father's Day card for you- because I know you would have had such a kick out of these dawgs in hot air balloons. They are right up there with dawgs playing pool 😉 Anyhow, I also received a very lovely card from Aunt Nancy, wishing us the best. She quoted "Pap" and said "this day too shall pass." But it sure doesn't feel like it. I appreciate her thoughtfulness and kind gestures. You know I've weaned myself off most of the anxiety meds and the antidepressants. I only take one dose of the anxiety stuff plus that other stuff (noone's perfect, right?) Anyhow, I'm so tired right now, so whatever I have to say will probably make no sense. This is to be continued tomorrow- after I'm awake and am drinking coffee. Ugh, I'm so sorry. Plus, I emailed Nance, thanking h

Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are my Angel and I miss you so much. I'll write you a bit later, ok? I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm back again, same time, same place. Actually, I'm sitting on my bedroom floor and Koi is in my bed lol. I took her to the rescheduled Memorial Day "party" at our (your) pool today. It's one of the worst days of the year b/c there is a free feedbag and people are like flies everywhere, trying to get free food and drink their Bud Light. Koi was amazing. I spent a good deal of time waiting three lines: the first one (Greek food) for me and fries for her. She couldn't eat those fries, so I waited a second line at a burger truck. She couldn't eat those fries, either. Then, I waited a third Mongolian BBQ truck line for MK. My (your) car was blocked in the parking lot b/c we parked in the parking lot (b/c we got there early), and so I ran the mandu home for MK and then I took Koi's scooter and scooted back to the pool. Koi was alone that whole time and she was great. She was resting in a chair, watching YouTube and she waited for me. Get this- by the time I did all of that, we only swam together for a little bit. At 3:30 pm they closed the pool because "the lan line was broken" and apparently it's a NC law that the pool has to be closed if the phone is broken. Welcome to the south (as you would say)! Can you believe that? Nevermind that everyone has a cell phone and all cell phones will dial 911 for free. What a bunch of horsecrap. Speaking of horse crap, Horses for Hope emailed me and after being on their waitlist for two long years, they now say she can be in a low functioning horse class. Bull! She's not low functioning, so I'm not having any of that. I'm asking for private lessons, if she's not eligible to be in the high functioning class. I "cc'ed" Glenn on it, so I think as long as I keep him in the loop, he'll pay for it. If not, well... maybe he'll at least pay for half. Ah what a day. Plus, I've been emailing Nancy all day. If we email each other too much, she ends up saying something that hurts my feelings. Tonight? She kind of implied I wasn't a "t

p.s. thank you to the kind soul who keeps sending my Dad virtual flowers. Plastic, real, virtual- they are all beautiful. Thank you. Whoever you are- we love you. <3

Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe, and I miss you so much each and every day. I love you to the moon and back. I'm so lucky you were (and always will be) my Dad. You area always in my heart and always a part of me. You live on in the lives that you have touched. And you were a Father to Koi, too. You always put your family first, and you always took care of us and loved and supported us unconditionally. I'll never be the same again without you, but the memories I have of you keep me going. I try to keep busy each day and focus on "what would Dad have said" to everything that comes my way. You were a true trailblazer, and I will continue my life, always in your honor. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to carry on, but I will try my best and do what you would want me to do. I love you so much, Dad. I'd give anything for you to be here- but I will see you once again. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. As usual, I have no idea where the day went. I need to get Koi to bed, though, as she has testing tomorrow. I know it's not a big deal for her, but still- it's going to make her tired, poor thing. It's midnight now, so I promise I will write you tomorrow. I have talked about you so much today with MK, but I still have that horrible guilt about not calling 911 immediately. MK keeps telling me we did call and we were cleaning you first, but I feel as if I should have called sooner. I called too late, and so I can't stop dwelling on this. If I were you, I would be livid and I would hate me. Who am I to hold someone's life in my hands like that? MK keeps telling me that I did call- and it's not like we were sitting on the couch, talking about lunch. We were hovering over you, and I was told to first give you a breathing treatment before anything else. But I should have called first. I'm just going down that dark place again, so I'm going to say I love you, and I will write more in the morning, ok? I need to put Koi to sleep, but I want you to know that even though I may not write a lot, I am constantly thinking about you- constantly. I should have emailed Nance today, too. She doesn't think I believe in God. But I do. But I can't convince her, or I'll just sound stupid. Anyhow, so much on my mind, and I need to try to calm myself and rest. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Until tomorrow, ok? I love you and miss you so much, Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Here it is again- after midnight. I wasted a couple of hours tonight watching a riveting documentary about prostitution in New York around the 1990's. It was an HBO documentary and I was just mesmerized. It shows a totally other side of life that I have never had to endure. You've always protected me from the harsh realities of what it is like to be completely on your own with no safety net. MK said you told her, when I wasn't there, that you weren't gonna make it. And you were scared. Not of dying, but rather, you were scared about us- how we were going to make it without you. And now I realize how much you truly did- but you know what? You continue to help us with all of the planning and preparation you did throughout your life. You lived your life each day, preparing for the day you weren't going to be here. I don't think anyone plans as much as you did. I think you thought about it, and planned for it, each and every day. MK is doing fine, because of your preparation. I'm ok, but emotionally I'm not. You did everything to prepare MK financially and logistically- along with me... but I wasn't prepared of losing you as my emotional support system. I miss you so very much, Dawg. I feel so lost. I feel like my life has no meaning, and my heart is just empty. I just get through the days and here it is again, late at night. Koi actually fell asleep a few minutes ago on her own. I'm going to join her in a second, because I'm not sure if she still has testing (I didn't read her notebook from school). She still had her monthly "visitor" so we didn't go to the pool (TMI I know). I think we should be good to go tomorrow, but guess what? After not going to the pool for two days, it's supposed to storm tomorrow/today. I truly *am* Daughter of Last Duck! Raper's luck, right? I hope the thunder holds off so I can take Koi swimming for just a little bit. Fingers crossed. I wrote Nancy a little bit this morning, and I told her I would write her again- but I didn't. The

p.s. I did it! MK and I bought a new step ladder- it's a five step one, although it's cheap aluminum so it wobbles. I woke up MK so she could spot me (hold the ladder b/c I didn't want to break a leg). And I changed the smoke alarm battery and actually got it right the first time! I remember last year, it took me many tries to get it right b/c the ladder wasn't tall enough. This time our new, lighter (cheaper) ladder paid off- we ordered it from Amazon (your account). See how you continue to take care of us? Thank you so much, Dawg. I love you so much. I'm going to go to bed now. I love you SO much <3 Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well it's 11:15, not much of an improvement from last night, when I said I'd write you during the day. You know what I did after I dropped Koi off to school? Nada. Nothing. I had to run a few errands- UPS store for a return, Walmart to pick up a floatie I ordered for Koi (turtle floatie), and then to Harris Teeter to pick up a cake ("kek" as you would say lol) we ordered for Koi/ us for breakfast. That's about it. Then I came home around 10:00am and I fell asleep sitting up, in the chair I used to always sit in when you were home and staying in the living room (living room #2). The day that you died, you asked me what I was eating. I replied "a Jolly Rancher candy- you want one?" And you said "nah" with a smile on your face. God, if I only knew. But I won't go down this road again. Koi's still in the tub, and she just pulled the plug, so I may have to run. My room and the benjo is still a wreck b/c she was asking for toys I couldn't find- and so I had to tear apart a tupperware, searching for these dern sea creatures. Anyhow, I think I found them, but it looks like she wants out already. So let me continue this in just a few minutes. I'm sorry I have not written. I promised you, didn't I? Sigh 🙁 Love, G Kat <3

I'm baaaack. Koi's in bed, but wide awake (what else is new lol). I'm ready for bed, but I wanted to talk to you, just like I do at night. I was walking into your room and looking at all of the elixers and potions that are in your bathroom. I bought/got a lot of those toiletries back when I thought I was going to be your caregiver for ever and ever. I wish you would have told me what you told MK. You told MK that you didn't think you were going to make it this time. I know you didn't want to scare me. I know you wanted me to keep doing what I was doing- just to be myself. But I'm still in utter shock and despair that you are no longer here. It's really difficult for me to grasp. I don't think I ever will. I miss you so much, Dawg. And it's still surreal to me that you aren't here. I stare at your picture every day (especially the one where Koi has her head resting on your lap). I miss you so much, Dawg. I still can't believe that you're not coming back. But I will see you again. Maybe soon. I don't know. But I will see you again- I have faith in that. Is it "blind faith?" Maybe. Nancy was emailing me about having blind faith and taking that leap of faith. I'm getting there, but I don't always follow timelines, so anyhow. Koi is laughing her butt off for some reason. She loves watching Jakers! especially the episode where Dannen can't dance, and everyone is laughing at her chanting "just like your grandfather." She watches that episode over and over. She never did before, but she does now. She loves it. I wonder if it's her way of connecting with you now. I don't know. Anyhow, I'm afraid I have to cut my ramblings short yet again. Maybe it's a good thing. I tend to ramble way too much, you know? I was going to tell you something but I can't remember. I wrote an online review o the Funeral Home we used? Well I just received an email from Google saying that the picture I uploaded- the picture where they are carrying you off the horse-drawn carriage. Well, it's receiv

Hi Dad. I haven't posted a butterfly to your wall in awhile. I hope you have gone through your metamorphosis and as Nancy would say, God has given you a new body without pain or sorrow. I hope so so much. Sometimes I really do believe- I do. Yesterday it was supposed to rain w/o question. And yet, there was sunshine circling our pool for the entire afternoon. It rained everywhere but where we were swimming. I couldn't help but think you had something to do with that- because your love for Koi is without limits. Sorry I had to take Koi out of the bath/shower and now she's finally in bed. It's now 12:30, my "usual" (late) time emailing you. I just went into your room and turned off a couple of lights. I always leave one light on. MK and I left on the one lamp that sits on your bachelor's chest, and we have never turned it off. When you first went to the hospital, we left that light on, and we were going to keep it on until you came home. After you came home, we just left the light on- because it was a good night life- nice and soft- not too bright and not too dim. We continue to leave the light on. It's a reminder of you- your light will never dim. You were a shining star in our hearts and minds. Today and tonight I am missing you so much. I always miss you, but tonight, if I think about it too much, I just get very emotional. I don't want to go to bed- I don't want to exist. I don't want to do anything w/o you. I was looking at pictures of you (us) from last year when you were in the hospital. I was trying to find an old picture of my feet (long story, but it's for a contest to win free sandals), and I knew by going into my instagram account and looking at old pictures, I may have a difficult time not getting upset. Everything reminds me of you, and pictures of course are going to remind me of you. You surprisingly looked really good last August when you were discharged. You looked good back in May, and then over the summer, you looked a bit frail and sickly, becau

Hi, Dad. It's super late tonight- no idea why. I've been just sitting around after my shower doing nothing. I'm too tired to go to bed- know what I mean? I know you do. Koi is wide awake on her bed, too. I'm sure we'll both end up sleeping in, which isn't exactly what I want to do. I miss you so much. I've just been thinking about where we were this time last year. Last year, you were here, and you were doing well. I never would have guessed or dreamt in my wildest dreams that you would not be here in a year. I don't know what happened. I knew you were sick, but I didn't think things could go so wrong so quickly. I really don't want to think about it, but I just force myself to. I panic when I really start to think about it. The whole thing seems surreal to me. I keep waiting to turn the corner and see you again. I really can't handle the fact that I won't see you again. But maybe I will see you in Heaven? I do believe- as you used to tell me, if I had the faith of a mustard seed... I could move mountains. I do believe. But isn't it normal to waiver in my Faith? I can only ask you, because noone else understands. I believe, I really do. But I worry, too. I look forward to seeing you again. MK said you crossed over, and you were afraid about not being able to cross over peacefully. MK says you both talked about it, but she doesn't go into details. It drives me crazy how she can't (won't) tell me exactly what you talked about. Were you scared? She implied to me you were. Why didn't you let me comfort you? Maybe you tried, and I wasn't there for you. Like the night- the last night- you spent on this earth. You woke up and told me. I did reassure you. But I didn't know what you meant. I thought you were having a panic attack. I get scared all the time, and I thought it was just one of those times. Your nurse says you were asking if anyone was coming- and you saw angels. She says she saw angels around our house for two weeks prior. She seems like such a skeptic, and yet

Hi, Dad. Well, it's late, but not as late as last night. It's about 1:15 in the morning, so it's later than a school night, but not as late as last night. Koi and I went to the pool all day today, thanks to your wonderful sunshine. It was supposed to thunderstorm around 2 and 3pm, so I rushed us to the pool a little after 1pm. I had a difficult time getting going in the morning (because I had stayed up so late), plus I had to go to UPS and return stuff again (yes, shoes lol). Oh and I had to "feed" MK... you guessed it- gohan. I went and got us both Hibachi from Park West's Hibachi Blue. You and I went there once when it opened and we didn't like it. Lately, it's been good. Maybe our standards have dropped, I don't know. Anyhow, that's now our "go to" place for Hibachi these days. I got us steak and scallops hibachi plus extra rice and two spring rolls. We split the meal, but it's more than enough. I always feel bad not getting Koi anything. She eats snacks all day at the pool, and then we go out for dinner (usually pizza on the weekends and fries during the week). Anyhow, so we got to the pool around 1:15 or so, and I expected it to storm around 3pm. It got cloudy and it looked like a storm was coming in. But just like the last few days, out of nowhere, the beautiful sun comes peeking out and then shines bright for the rest of the day. I can't help but think of you- and it being your influence. I know you loved the pool when it wasn't crowded- and when it was sunny and warm. And when the water is warm, it's perfect. That's what it was today- perfect. The sun was out, the crowd wasn't bad, and the water was warm. Our pool gets crowded late at night- no idea why (I have a vague idea lol), but during the day, it's just not crowded. I'm not complaining at all! I miss you so much, Dad. I always think of you. You used to always bring Koi pizza, too. I never gave you a piece. Back then, Koi would get upset at the littlest things. These days, she's still "Koi" but she has

Oh no. I just finished writing you a long note and I accidentally closed the wrong tab. So of course, i closed this tab, being the computer savvy person that I am. I asked you to give me a sign- to show me a sign that you are okay or still around on some level. And then I proceeded to write and write about how sorry I am if you ever felt I didn't support you. I'm sorry if you ever felt I didn't believe you. I'm sorry if you ever felt I lost my patience with you. I was- and am- still trying to exist in a household where I feel like I am nothing. Sometimes you just lay low for survival. I know you know this. This is where we understood each other, I think. I wish so much I could have travelled with you to the north to visit your ancestors' graves. I know how much you wanted to learn more about your genealogy. And I hate how you never had that chance. I'm sorry for not being more supportive of you. I was just trying to carve out an existence, but this existence is really nothing. I feel like I have wasted the last decade of my life. I took a wrong turn somewhere- I definitely own that. I wish for so much that could have happened. And I can just hear you saying 'wish in one hand...' Yeah, you're right. That definitely came true first. I just find it curious how I wrote you such a long note that was quite negative about me and my existence here, and then I accidentally closed it-- after I asked you to show me a sign that you are here on some level. Coincidence? I don't know. You taught me both to have faith and yet to also be skeptical. So what does a person believe if they want to believe, but they also want to not be blind about belief. I would love to have this conversation with you, because you were so smart. I miss just listening to you talk about life. You always had such a way about you- your personality. You lit up a room when you came in it, and your comments on life just made everyone roll on the floor with laughter. I think your colleague Rick Snyder really su

Hi, Dad. I'm sending you a bear hug tonight. I know you had something to do with that wonderful, beautiful weather this afternoon- at the pool. The storm that was supposed to hit just suddenly went away- the dark, ominous grey cloud disappeared and sunlight came from out of nowhere. It was a sight to behold. Days like today remind me of you and us at the pool. You would come (briefly) to the pool at the beginning of the season- when it was sunny, cool, but warm. We would always talk about what a beautiful pool your neighborhood has... and how worth it it was to move to NC... simply for the pool. Even then you worried about Koi, and you loved how she loved the water. Do you remember how we spent hours at the pool in the summer? The best times were when Koi went to traditional calendar school and we had long long summers. The worst is track 4 (which we are on now), because, in essence, Koi has a three week summer. But, MK (right now) let us go to the pool during the week (school nights). I wonder how much longer she will "let" me do this with Koi. She usually flips out and "forbids" me to take Koi swimming at some point. Stay tuned... and I'll have to attempt to re-negotiate my way back into her good graces so Koi can have her "swim time" every day. 🙂 Anyhow, what was I talking about? Oh yeah- the weather. It's as if you brought the beautiful weather with the stroke of your hand- or something. I don't know, but I feel like you were speaking to us. I could be wrong, but either way, I am grateful for the gorgeous weather today. I thought we were going to have ten minutes of swim time and we ended up with three hours. So, if you had anything to do with the beautiful weather. Well, thank you, Dawg. I love you so much. When the weather is gorgeous outside, I can't help but think of you. You loved those beautiful sunny days. But you also loved the rain storms, too. When it would rain, you would back your car out and let the rain hit it. The "poor man's car wash" 🙂 Anyhow

Welp. I wrote something and I lost it. You would say "Raper's Luck" right? I was doing an online chat with Amazon, and I guess I not only closed the chat window, but I must have closed all the windows. My bad. Amazon is so high tech these days. I received an email about a return, and it was incorrect, so I just did a chat with them and they fixed it. Amazing, right? Anyhow, I lost what I was saying, but it was nothing deep tonight. I'm starting to fade- it's not too late- about 1:30ish. I just spent some time in your mancave. I miss you so much. I'm on the floor in my room but I keep fading and not making much sense when I type. I may have to continue this tomorrow- because I can't seem to stay awake. I took my evening pills and they must wipe me out, you know? I'm sorry. I just miss you so much. I spent awhile in your room and tried to get myself together, but I can't. It's just too painful, Dad. I'm going to write you tomorrow morning, ok? I'm not making any sense and I keep dozing off while sitting up. It must be all the sun and lack of sleep from the week. Welp- Koi just dozed off again- second time this week where she's passed out on me. I think I take too long to write- I have so much to say, but my head is up my ass and it takes me too long to write you. I'm sorry. I'll do better next time, ok? I promise. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you so much, it hurts every day. The pain just keeps getting worse and worse. I love you immeasurably and the void in my lfe can never been filled. Love, G Kat

Hi, Dad. Didn't I promise I'd write you earlier today? I did, didn't I? Sigh. The days just fly by, and yet the minutes without you feel like I exist in slow motion. The evenings are the times when I am alone with my thoughts and I really start to think about my life. Side note- I spilled coconut milk everywhere on , 8, my lap b/c i fell asleep on Friday, sitting up- and now some of my keys are sticky. If you were here, you'd kick my butt for that. I didn't even spill a lot, but it this the numbers 7 on up, and the letters: u, j, n and over 🙁 Sucks. I cleaned it right up, too-- but I guess this is why I cant have nice things. You would be so upset with me. I don't blame you. Maybe I can use your laptop for awhile. Or maybe I should keep using this one and keep working on the keys. I bet they'll loosen up over time. It usually does, right? The volume and backspace key kind of stick, too. Sigh- I just can't catch a break, right? I took Koi to the pool around 12:30 today- we had to rush b/c we slept in and I was aiming on taking her around 2pm. But then I checked the weather and it said "storms" around 2pm- 40% chance 🙁 So we basically had breakfast and raced over to the pool. Luckily it didn't storm until 5:30, so we were blessed with almost five hours of swim time. You can't beat that, right? We then went for pizza, and Koi wanted me to push her in her stroller around the neighborhood afterwards. So we walked around the block four times. We've been inside ever since, but MK's back has been hurting her, so I took over what was left of the laundry and putting away stuff, etc. That's basically eaten up my entire evening, since I didn't come inside until late. Koi wants to get out of the tub, so I will write more in a second. To be continued (I swear Koi sees me write and she proclaims "time to come out.") Hey- it's ok, right? I'll have some more time to gather my thoughts. I miss you so much, Dad. xoxo more in a sec.

Morning, Dad! I woke up to Koi saying 'where my black phone'? (Your black phone is now Koi's black phone, I guess). She dropped it behind the bed (with it on) last night/ this morning. I did manage to get it with a measuring stick, and now it's only 26% charged. I'm sure you would so not be happy about that. Anyhow, she is happy because I managed to get "her" phone, and now she's eating breakfast. She got really sick over winter and lost her taste for cookies and croissants (which isn't necessarily bad, right?) so now she eats Goldfish crackers and popcorn for breakfast with a slice fo sheet cake for dessert. And that's our routine. MK and I also eat sheet cake and coffee for breakfast. I miss you so much. I overslept- it's a little after 10. The pool is already open, can you believe it? Anyhow, I'll have to guzzle this coffee (I love the word "guzzle" which you taught me, of course), and start getting ready for the pool. At least I don't have clothes to put away, for once. I did that all last night. MK was in bed early so I had to finish up all the laundry she started, etc. Anyhow, I just wanted to say "good morning" and to let you know that you are the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of when I go to sleep. I miss you so very much. I love you to the moon and back. Love you so much, Dearest Dawg.... xoxo G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I don't know where the day went, but it's almost 1am (the next day, technically. Sunday- boom, over. I took Koi to the pool at 12:30ish and we stayed until 6pm. It didn't seem like it but I guess that's where the day went. We've had so much bad weather with storms and rain, it was nice to enjoy a sunny day w/o that PTSD fear of thunder, closing the pool, and the major autistic meltdown that follows. Speaking of PTSD, I have my nut doctor appt. tomorrow. I'm going to tell/ask him to take me off Wellbutrin. It doesn't do anything for me except give me headaches and nightmares. It doesn't do a thing for my depression. I don't think my depression is chemical-related, if that makes any sense. My depression is rooted in losing you- and the grief that ensues with losing my best friend and Father. So I don't think any pill is going to help me feel better. I just have to work through it and give it time- lots and lots of time. Perhaps forever- until I see you. I hope he can understand that instead of "upping" the dosage. Anyhow, I'm still on anxiety medication, and I'm fine with that. I definitely have anxiety. But I don't think my depression is caused by physiological factors, but rather, external ones. Now with anxiety, there is definitely a physiological component plus life experience that gave me PTSD and anxiety. I know you get it, with your degree in psychology. You always knew people and you always knew me. You were able to give me advice at the drop of a hat, and you would always be spot on. Remember "he's used to caviar and now he has to go back to cat food." I loved that saying- and I loved hearing it from you. You always used to build me up- so much so. Thank you for building up my self confidence. And thank you for teaching e how to write. You are a writing God- and that was confirmed by Rick the Younger, when he sent that letter to MK- it was so well written and he wrote that you taught him everything he knows. What a compliment. You would have so love

Hi, Dad. Well, as usual. I'm so sleepy and Koi hasn't even hopped in the shower yet. Wish me luck! It's 9pm and there is a thunderstorm outside. Storms remind me so much of you. You loved the rain and thunder. It was so peaceful to you. I find them peaceful, too. I love a good storm, just like you. I wanted you to know it's storming now. Did I tell you I ran into one of your old nurses the other day. She gave me some advice, because I told her how hard it's been w/o you. She told me to talk to you. I know I write to you, but I don't talk to you often. I mean, when I leave your mancave I talk to you... a little. Just to tell you where we're going. I've been talking to MK a lot lately about all of my regrets and things I should have done differently. She tries to comfort me, which I do appreciate. She tells me that it's "easy" to look back and say "I should have" because it's easier to look behind. She reassured me that I did the best I could at the time. I thought that was really kind of her- and out of character lol. I talk to you to let you know where we're going and when we're coming back. But maybe I should talk to you more- what do you think? Well, I'm so sleepy. I hope I make it tonight. I'm going to say 'be right back' and jump in the shower myself and then get Koi washed up, too. Then I'll be back. I have to go to a Mother's Day "tea" at Koi's school tomorrow, and it's a big trigger for me. Mother's Day reminds me of Father's Day. It's very painful without you in my life. I'll be back in a bit tonight, ok? Signing off to shower. Love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Today was MK's birthday, or birseday. She's 80 years old. You didn't even get to see 78. I miss you so much. I wish I could see you. I'd give anything to touch your hand, hug you, share a cup of coffee with you, and a joke. Anything. It's been a hard day. I had the best of intentions. I took MK to Guglhupf's for lunch, but she didn't want to eat there. So, I ordered her a sandwich (for $30 for the both of us) and we ate in the car. I took her to Ross and we got a few things. Then, she had to stay home and wait for the irrigation guy to set up the irrigation. When I went to pick up Koi, the irrigation guy called me and explained how I can opt out of the Town of Cary checks (and $50 charge) since Advanced Irrigation set it all up, and we don't need the county to charge us to check it. Anyhow, while I was on the phone with him, I noticed we had two nails in two tires. Oh joy. I went to Mr. Tire- I thought that was the place we always went? Well there is a Mr. Tire off HighHouse and Davis Drive. They talk like they are dome good ole boys. But they were nice, and of course had to order two tires- coming tomorrow. They put the spare on the worse tire and left the nail in the second tire. I pray it holds until I get Koi to school. Then we'll wait for them to call so we can get our tires installed. MK is livid and of course blames me for getting the nails in the tires. I wouldn't have it any other way. So dysfunctional. At least we don't have anything planned tomorrow. I bet you made this happen just to say "Happy Birthday, Mia" because you have a sick sense of humor like that, and I love you for it. <3 I love you so much. Koi is wide awake and laughing so I need to put her to sleep since it's midnight. Ugh! I've been quite depressed, thinking of you. MK and I shared a cream puff in honor of you from Guglhupf's and I think I got some food poisoning. I almost barfed at the tire place. Maybe it was your way of saying "that'll teach you to have fun on my watch!) Har h

Hi, Dad. I'm just not going to think about how much I miss you tonight. I can't bear the pain. Koi had Special Olympics today and she won two first place ribbons and a second place ribbon! I'm so very proud of her. And we were both out in the sun for a long time, so I'm a little burnt and very tired (from having too much sun). Koi really performed beautifully and I couldn't be prouder of her. I know you would be, too. You loved Koi with every ounce of your being. You were (and are) the best GrandDad in the whole Universe to Koi. She was so blessed. I think she still has no clue that you're gone. I'm glad she's clueless like that sometimes. I think if you walked through that door tomorrow, she wouldn't blink an eye. That's Koi for you. I wish we could throw a huge party and have a huge ceremony for you- but you know MK. She's not exactly the most social person. And you left me with her! Ya turd! 😉 You never got the chance to travel to visit the graves of your ancestors. I hate that. I wish you would have just taken off, but your sense of duty to the family overtook your desire for wanderlust. It makes me sad to think about, so I won't. I ope I am making sense, because I am so tired and drowsy from the my meds plus I'm tired and, as always, tired from anxiety from being out in public earlier today (but i didn't make the day about me, I promise). You used to do everything for Koi- get her breakfast, and you would dump things for us, and you would go multiple times a day to help Koi eat, or do whatever. You always drove us, too. I know I complained a lot about your driving, but that's just because I get car sick easily. But the truth be told- I do appreciated you driving us- to Horse and Buddy, and to the Amusement Park- to Busch Gardens and Disney, and to Wet n' Wild. I miss those days. I'm too scare to take her myself, but I don't know. She has grown so much- I think I may be able to take her. However, MK ruins every adventure these days. But maybe I shall try this

Hi, Dad. I need a prayer tonight! MK is angry again because it's late and Koi is still in the tub. So of course she yelled at me, because it's always my fault for everything. I saw my old/new nut doctor today, and he was talking to me about "goals." So I think we've established some "weaning" goals for me over the next few years. But still- he wants me to be fully independent from MK and you know how difficult that can be, since I have Koikat. She is my everything, and the life I would give her on my own would suck so bad. I flip flop all the time about which alternative would be better- one where I'm walking on eggshells, but she has nice things- or one where I'm free- but she has nothing. I always pick the former, and you know why. Koi is still in the tub and her voice is SO LOUD she is going to wake up the sleeping dragon lol. So let me take her out and finish this. I miss you immensely. But during times like these, I think about what an ally you used to be for me. You always supported me. You remember how you wanted me to live with you after Koi was born- unlike MK who forgets that conversation ever happened lol. It's just that it's been so long. My nut doctor wants to get me more independent, and I guess that's a good idea. He also doesn't want me using medication as a "crutch" which I also think is a good idea. I still think some meds are good, but maybe not so much. MK has crazy ideas- like how you took "too much" medication, which caused your illness. But I know the truth- you had to take those medications because of Agent Orange. I always believed you. But in her house, you had to accept her ways. I'm sorry if you ever thought I doubted you. Hold on. Koi is getting out. More in a sec.... <3

She kept flip flopping over the green "two strap" and the blue pair. I kind of wanted her to pick the green b/c my Gosh, they're only $26! But I really love the turquoise pair, and I guess she did, too. She finally settled on the blue pair, but I noticed you don't get free shipping unless you spend $50. So I asked her if she wanted both pair and she immediately said "yes!" I love how she can answer questions now. You would be so proud of her. Anyhow, I'm in your man cave. Let me go to Koi's room and finish up my note to you, ok? I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm so tired and sick tonight. I started a new med and it doesn't agree with me. So I'm not going to take it anymore. I did not tell the doctor yet but I will write him tomorrow. I went to Koi's field trip and I spent the whole time with my eyes shut, wanting to sleep. I came home, slept for an hour, and then took Koi to the pool (and slept during that time as well). I'm finally out of the shower- it's just midnight. But I'm going to hit the sack and I promise to write you tomorrow. I hope and pray this medicine will have passed through my body by then. I love you to the moon and back. Love you, Dawg. xoxo, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm feeling much better tonight. A shower helped tremendously. I still wasn't 100% for most of the day. Transitioning from Wellbutrin to Cylexa to nothing has made me sick. Actually I think either the Wellbutrin withdrawals or trying Cylexa made me sick. I'd rather take nothing. I've also cut back on the Lorazapam, which is great for me. I'm feeling more like myself these last few days, which is nice. I still have tremendous heartache when I think of you. But no pill is going to cure that. I have to feel the pain and the loss and the daily heartbreak of not having you in my life anymore. MK keeps telling me that you are around us everyday. And when I asked you for a sign the other day, you sure gave it to me! I don't know if it was a coincidence, but I deleted everything (everything negative I had written for the last twenty minutes!) Today, I watched a lot of documentaries on YouTube about Cambodia and Bangkok. I can't help but think about you and all the good you did for our Country. I really had no idea about the mass genocide in Cambodia until you used to talk about it years and years ago. I saw some of the film footage- it was secret film footage from the 60's or 70's, I'm not sure- maybe even 80's, it's hard to tell. The pictures were horrific and it really makes you wonder about the world and why such evil things happen. No wonder you were so jaded and sarcastic about the human nature. You must have seen a LOT in your day. MK was telling me that you were able to go to Cambodia back when it was a Communist Country- you had to be someone special to have access. She told me about the flat tire you had there! Boy, you really lived it all, didn't you? I have so much admiration and respect for you. I always had, but now I really really appreciate all that you did for not just our Country but for us- me and MK (and Koi too). I miss you terribly, and I no pill or therapist is going to change that or even lessen the pain I feel daily, hourly, even by minute.

I'm back, Dad. Now it's super late, so I guess I'll just write a bit more. I always say I'll write you the next day, and then I end up driving literally the entire day while Koi is in school, doing this and that errand. Today, MK ordered pants from J Jill. But one of the two pairs of pants were "made in India" and she just doesn't like linen made there (gee I wonder why lol). Anyhow, so we had to go to the store at the mall to return them. She also found two more pairs of pants she liked, so I had to search my email for the coupon I had... I found it (yay) so that saved her $50. She was "all teese" as you would say. Then, she wanted to check out TJ Maxx in Apex (which had nothing- oh but she did score a red shirt, which is her favorite color). By then it was almost 1pm, and she wanted hibachi- not the all-u-can-eat bar, but the Hibachi Blue place that you and I went to a long time ago (when it first opened) in Park West (Morrisville) Shopping Center. By then it was like, almost 2pm, and I have to leave at 2:30 to pick Koi up. So that was my day. Then I took Koi to the pool with the best of intentions to get in the water with her. But, like you, I am always freezing, so I was too cold to get in (but she wasn't--- she swims like a fish these days). We came home, and she wanted "Randy Pizza" (the good one, in Durham). I went back there for the first time in over a year yesterday and I had to tell the owner, Lee, what happened to you. He was really heartbroken. He called you a "gentleman" and he knew we were close. It's so painful to go back to these places that were "our" places. It's been a long time since I've been...and of course they always ask about you. Someone asked me how you were doing (at the pool today) and I had to tell her. She had lost her Mother eight years ago, and so we both cried together. I guess you never know what people are going through, do you. I miss you so much. As I was saying, I don't think any pill or therapist is going to make that pain go

Hi, Dad. Wow, does my head hurt. Sorry, how are you? I don't mean to be so self- absorbed. But wow does my head hurt. I've stopped taking Wellbutrin since Tuesday and I only took Cymbalta on Tuesday and I've had a headache ever since. I no longer take either one, so it's probably withdrawal. I also cut back on the Lorazapam (not completely, but just once dosage a day). My head is killing me and I pray that it'll stop tomorrow. At least I no longer have the severe nausea, but after having a headache for 24 hours straight, you do kind of feel nauseous. I'm doing this for only one reason- because Dr. Patkar told me that you would not want me to live this way- and you certainly would not want me relapsing. So obviously he makes sense, right? So I am trying my best to honor your life and your memory by being the best I can be. Even though you are no longer here- I want to do well for you. I want you to be proud of me, despite all the mistakes I've made in my life. It's never too late to start over and try try try again, right? I know I've made so many mistakes, but you never stopped loving me. You showed me what unconditional love really was. I miss you so much. I keep thinking about the last eight months of your life, and I just wish so much I could have a 'do-over' because I feel like I didn't handle things well. I should have made different decisions. I'm glad we never put you in managed care. I'm glad you spent time at home over a nursing home. But I am not glad how long you spent at the VA Hospital. I realize you needed to be there for awhile. But it seemed like as soon as you took a step forward, you took two steps backwards- and that wasn't because of you- it was because of them. Infections, mistakes, wrong decisions and procedures. It's not like I made the whole thing up and told them what to do. Sure, I made decisions, but they came up with the options, right? They made mistakes. I feel like these mistakes cost you your life. They denied you rehab and physical t

Hi, Dad. My head is still throbbing and killing me, so I am going to say "nighty nigh" for now and write you when I wake up in the morning, ok? I don't know why my head is still killing me, but it's got to be the wellbutrin tapering. I doubt it's the cymbalta since I've only taken it once this week. It could also be the lorazapan withdrawal since I've also tapered on that, too Anyhow, I am going to write you in the morning, ok? I love you so much. Even with a throbbing head, I still can't stop thinking about you. I love you to the moon and back. I will talk to you in the morning, ok? Love, G Kat p.s. I'm sorry this is so short but I am about to pass out my head is killing me so much! xoxoxo

Morning, Dad or afternoon I should say. Koi and I overslept, and now I am late in taking her to the pool. I just wanted to wish you a nice day- I miss you more than ever. I hate going to the pool because it reminds me of you. Neighbors ask how you're doing and (the ones I like), I tell them what happened. They remember you as loving Koi, and always bringing her pizza, being so kind and gentle with her. I always knew that about you, but I didn't know it was so apparent. I couldn't be prouder to call you my Dad- the Best Dad in the Universe. Koi is waiting by the door, so let me dress her, and I will continue this when I return, ok? I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. Love you, Dawg. xoxo G Kat <3

Hi Dad. Well. It's almost 2am, but for some reason I don't have a headache and I am not tired. Go figure! Koi and I slept in today (maybe that's why?) until 10 or so. Then, I had to put away a lot of clothes b/c MK and I did quite a bit of shopping over the course of the week, and so that means laundry (and putting away clothes). It took me awhile to make room for my (and Koi's) new clothes and re-organizing stuff. MK bought me a pair of Doc Martens about a month ago, so ever since then, it's enabled me to change my style back to what it used to be years ago. It's funny how a pair of shoes can shape the way you look and feel. So I've been shopping a bit with MK, buying up (sale) stuff that "goes" with my new sandals (don't worry, you know it's all from Ross, Marshall's and TJ Maxx). I remember when you used to read MK's charges on your credit card statement "TJ Maxx, TJ Maxx, TJ Maxx...." It was a scream. You were a scream. So yeah- I spent awhile putting away clothes this morning, and I also had to run to UPS quickly. The Keurig machine we bought leaks water everywhere, so luckily with Amazon, we can return it for a new one (which is what we did). Finally around 1pm is when I took Koi to the pool, and we stayed there until 7pm. Then, we went to Randy's Pizza (in Durham) and then we came home. Koi and I took a walk just to the pergola/common area and she had a major blowout 🙁 TMI? Probably. We walked back home and I spent quite awhile cleaning that mess up. I remember when Koi was a baby and she had a blowout all over me onto the chair I was sitting in. The first thing you said was "I'm not sitting in that chair ANYMORE." And then I made you and MK take that chair to the dump! I can't believe all the things I used to make you do. I really underestimated your illness. I just saw what I wanted to see. And what/who I saw was the "old" (young) Dad who did everything with me (and for me). I'm so sorry for being so insensitive. I knew you were sick- but I didn't want to

Hi, Dad. I'm posting a flag today because Koi took the American flag that was in your room. I had a small flag outside in our garden and it must have blown away. Well, Koi, being the meticulous person that she is, noticed that it was missing- and she saw an "extra" flag in your room. So she took it. Your flag was a bit bigger, though- I bought two of them (they come two in a pack) and I put the bigger one next to our mailbox for Memorial Day. Anyhow, I had an extra one, and I liked putting it in your room. Oh well, right? Koi put it in the garden, but it was too big and it was touching the ground (so I removed it and put it in the garage for now). I did buy some smaller flags tonight- and I'll be sure to put them in the garden this week. MK thinks I should wait until the fourth of July, but I don't know. So if "anything can go wrong... it will" is what you used to tell me. The air con seems to have gone out. What's worse? MK didn't even notice it all day. And what's even worse? She blames me for all of it. I put the thermostat "down" to 77 at night, because Koi often sleeps on top of me- and it's, you know, quite uncomfortable. So yeah- I put it "down" to 77 at night, and I promptly put it back up to 78 during the day. She leaves it on 78 all day and is clueless when it seems/sounds like it's struggling. So by the time I get home it's close to 9pm and I'm like "why is the house like 83 degrees?" Then she orders me to go to Walmart and buy a fan. So I did. The only fan they had at the grocery store in Morrisville is the $18 cheap one that is "made in the USA" but the instructions are all in Spanish and it's a bear to assemble. But I did it. And MK bitches at me for buying such a cheap fan. I take the second of the cheap fans I bought and go to the other Walmart in the nicer part of town (not Morrisville). They have tons of fans and such a bigger selection, so I exchange cheap fan #2 with two nicer fans (smaller, nicer ones not made in the USA lol). The really nice o

I'm back. Tub is cleaned. Koi is clean. She's on the bed, giggling over something on YouTube. So anyways, I kept myself busy so I didn't have to think about the pain of not having you here with us. Our family isn't complete without you. I gave MK a split picture for your anniversary. On the top half was that picture of you and MK holding a baby me with no hair- standing by your ginormous stereo system. You were wearing a dress shirt, slacks, and MK was wearing a silk pant-suit. Maybe you were getting ready to go out? Or maybe you dressed up for the photo? I remember when we lived in Fairfax/ Kings Park West, you got all dressed up and took pictures of yourself. I don't know what happened to those pictures, but I sure would love to have them. I know you wanted something for me to remember you by- because I was a child and you wanted to make sure I always remembered you. Even back then, you were always thinking of me and taking care of me in every way you knew how. So I spent a good bit of the day waiting for (late) packages (UPS sucks) and then I spent another good bit of the day, opening them, decided I didn't want them, packing them back up, printing out return labels, and then going to UPS (which is now under new ownership- no more Rintoo) for drop off. Not to worry- Rintoo still owns the UPS stores in both of the "new" strip malls- Park West and Parkside Commons (where the Five Guys moved). Did you ever get to see Parkside Commons? It was brand new at the beginning of 2017 and they had a new movie theatre. But I don't think you ever saw a movie there. I know you saw lots of movies at Park West (a couple with me). Anyhow, so the UPS by our home is no longer owned by Rintoo b/c UPS wanted them to make a lot of renovations and they didn't want to put the money into that. So they just sold it off. I don't care too much for the new employees there, but it doesn't matter- all I ever do is drop off packages and I also occasionally buy a shipping envelope. No biggie. I

Okay, I'm back. Koi is out of the tub, dressed in pj's and is jumping on the bed :/ That's my Koi. She's your Koi, too. You two had such a special relationship. It's beginning to dawn on her that you're not here. She keeps watching that Jakers! episode where Dannen the Duck can't dance- "just like your Grandfather...." And she watches it over and over- and over- and laughs and laughs- and laughs. She never took interest in that episode before. But she knows. I know it. I'm sad for her. And I'm really sad for you. I know you wanted to watch her grow up more. You wanted to see her into adulthood. But you are looking down on her. And she's gonna be okay. I'm going to be with her until I join you. And she will be okay. I miss you, Dad. I'd give anything just to hold your hand one last time. You were always so cold- I would have turned the heat on more for you. Anything for you. I love looking at your old childhood pictures. You were such a cute, mischievous looking kid 😉 Yep. Some things never change, right? I'm going to put myself to sleep, as sleep is often my only means for escape. It's the only way I can relieve myself of the pain- all pain. Sleep is indeed a luxury, and I don't take it for granted. Even if I don't get eight hours sleeping with Koi, I still get a lot more than I used to. So I'm definitely not complaining. And I promise I wasn't complaining about you. I feel like shit for even giving you a bad time. I'm so sorry. I hope you will forgive me someday. I know you already have. You're such a kindhearted soul- I know you bear no grudges on me, no matter how badly I screwed up with you. But still, I wish I had gone through with the name change. Oh well, at least I did go through another "legal" change of my name, w/o having to personally go to court. Whew. Oh but I digress into nothing. I'm going to try to sleep. I love you fo much, Dawg. Love you to the moon and back, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well, it's "early" in the Owen household- only 11:30pm. Koi and I got all ready for bed about an hour ago, but she had a "tummy ache" which, of course, only really means one thing these days (she's about to have volcanic diarrhea). So, I got her all ready, she sat in her room on a towel, and delivered the goods. I put her in the tub again and got rid of the toxic waste. However, she still has a tummy ache and she isn't going to bed- which means I'm not going to bed. She's on MK's RH couch, so I am watching her like a hawk, making sure she doesn't accidentally poo on it. My guess, and I hope I'm right, is that she'll make a b-line for her room and do her business there. I hope so. All this pooping makes me think of you- because you were so ill during the last few months of your life (although I knew you were sick, I still thought you were healthy enough to live longer- much longer). Anyhow, your g tube and tube feedings just weren't working well- you'd poop out most of your tube feeds all night and in the morning. I pray to God I didn't shame you or make you feel shameful as a result of my crankiness and fatigue. Because I was tired, but I was never EVER angry with you- ever. MK used to lash out at you, but you know that's how she is. She lashes out at me most evenings. She thinks of the meanest thing she can say, you know, the meanest, most hurtful language- and then she says it. She does this to me almost every night. And that's what she did with you, too. I know she felt guilty about it, because as soon as you passed away, she looked at me and said "we tried our best, we did- we didn't do anything wrong." And she said it in a way that was filled with guilt- she knew she mistreated you and was mean to you. I know she was always like that with both you and me- but to do that when someone is vulnerable is truly an evil thing to do. She is sick- like sick in the head. I pity her, I do. But I hope you did not internalize any of her mean language or whatever it

Hi, Dad. It's late- 1:15am. I have no excuses tonight. We went to bed late-ish last night (1am) because Koi was sick. We slept in- until around 10am. She seems fine today. We skipped going to the pool b/c 1) she was sick last night and 2) it was raining in the morning and early afternoon. MK, of course, wanted steak today. She always wants to eat, and always makes me go out to get her something to eat. I had some money in my account (from all the returns I made), so I treated us all to Longhorn Steak House. I got Koi two orders of fries and cheesecake and me and MK split a sirloin and salad- and cream of potato soup. I think you would have loved the cream of potato soup. Soups remind me of you.You used to love that place Red Tomatoes- the soup and salad all-u-care-to-eat bar. It's no longer in Cary, but going there reminded me of you. You and I could never get our money's worth, but I did enjoy going with you. Their cornbread was okay, wasn't it? God, I miss you so much. I try to keep myself busy (mentally and physically) during the day so I don't think about my pain. But at night- I'm not busy, because I'm trying to unwind. And so I am always thinking about you and how much I miss you. It's so painful. It's unbearable most times. I feel like there were things I could have done to help prevent your stroke and even after your stroke, there were things I could have done that would have prolonged your life. I feel like I was lazy and made poor decisions. Sure, I visited you a lot and spent a lot of time with you. I'm grateful I was able to do that. MK watched Koi for me, and even though she didn't want to- and gave me grief about it- at the end of the day, she did it- because she knew I was going to see you no matter what. I remember sitting in your room at Duke, at UNC, at WakeMed. They all sucked. I especially remember sitting with you at the VA, because you stayed there so long. I regret keeping you that extra ten days. You were stable and able to come home about 2

Hi, Dad. I don't think I've ever posted a picture of a garden, have I? I spent awhile this afternoon in the backyard, taking down a few wasps nests. I sprayed them earlier this week- some of them active, and some of them, not. Anyhow, after two torrential rains, I felt it safe to take them down with a broom. So I did. Koi watched me and kept me company. She's always my sidekick. I love her so much, and I know how much you loved her. You always will love her, and your love for her will never ever be forgotten. Today, MK and I took Koi (and us) to Elmo's Diner. It's a diner in Durham- there is also a location in Carrboro (but we went to the Durham one). It was pretty good. Koi ate fries, and I had a BLT. MK had a burger. Koi also had a huge slice of choco chip cheesecake, and she devoured ALL of it. Can you imagine? She dipped a lot of it with her fries, and then we boxed the rest up, and she finished it up in the car. When we got home, that is when I cleaned up the wasps nest. Koi also took a spin in her new wheels. I got her these wheels that you clip onto your shoes. I scored them at Marshall's (we did a bit of shopping after lunch, of course). She did fall and scrape her knee once, but she seems fine. She also went around the block in her Razor scooter. Amazon is the best. I returned her scooter from Target b/c it was too small. I was able to find an adult sized scooter on Amazon, and so I got if for her at a great price. She went around the block twice today- once in her shoe/wheels, and the second time on her scooter. She's getting really good on that thing! We came home, and MK is upset with me b/c I bought Koi a hoodie and it was made of cheap fabric that messed up her dryer (and the clothes she washed them with). Sigh! So I'll have to return that hoodie tomorrow, of course. I am going to try to take Koi to Wet N' Wild water park later this week- not tomorrow. I'm waiting for some water sandals to arrive in the mail on Tuesday, so I can't take her until my san

Hi, Dad. This dove chose me tonight. I hit "share" not knowing what I had chosen (the image, or virtual "gift" they call it), and this dove appeared. I saw two red cardinals yesterday, I forgot to mention. There is a nest in one of our trees in our backyard. You know, the tree that is right outside of the kitchen window. The most beautiful red cardinal was there, checking on me (was it you?) and I saw him chase away another red cardinal. I guess he was protecting his lady cardinal, eh? She must be preggo and is sitting on them eggs, eh? Every time I see a cardinal, I think of you. So much so, I got a red cardinal tattoo on my arm (oh great, is what you are thinking, I'm sure). I also have a traditional type tattoo of a heart with a dagger in it- no, it's just a heart. And in it, says "hindmost." Noone knows that's your nickname, but it's on my skin forever and ever. Today, I found a sticker in the dryer. I was wiping the dryer for MK- she is paranoid about cheap clothes and the dust they make. Anyhow, so I was wiping off the dryer and I came across one of those little sticker thingies that they cover you in, every time you went to the hospital. When MK was washing your hospital gowns, I bet one of those stickers came off your skin and attached onto the gown. And when the gown was in the dryer, it came off in the dryer. To think that little sticker was on your skin- and I found it today. It was such a wonderful thing. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time, if that makes any sense. I put the sticker on the corner of your picture frame- you know, the picture that is in your room... the picture I talk to all the time. I better tell MK about it so she doesn't think it's trash. Knowing her, she would discard it. Anyhow, I miss you so much- I feel like a broken record, and I don't just say it- to say it. I feel it every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I would give anything to see you, to touch you, to talk to you- for just one more

Hi, Dad. Oh look- someone sent you flowers. Wasn't that nice? I wonder who did it. You see how you continue to touch people, every single day? You are so special- not just to me, but to countless others. Friday is your wedding anniversary. Friday the 13th. MK isn't affected, but I am. I don't get her. She just doesn't ascribe feeling to things that normal people do. A part of me has her figured out, and another part of me will never have her figured out. I think it will be an emotional day for me. But most people would think it would be an emotional day for her. Maybe it will be. Maybe she just hides it really well. I will try to keep myself busy so I won't think about the giant hole in my heart w/o you here with us. It's 12:21am- which, I guess is early for us, considering we went to bed at 1:30 last night and 3am the night before. Koi woke me up early this morning- I have no idea why. Maybe she needed to poo. Who knows. I'm going to try to take her to the water park tomorrow. Wish me luck. It's not set in stone, but I'm going to try. I have two places I want to go during her summer track out- a water park- and to Arlington to see you. We only have a few more weeks, but I fully intend to do both. Koi also has Surfer's Healing again this year. Had I known you would no longer be with us, I would have had you come home and you would have witnessed the solar eclipse with us, your family. Instead, we spent that day at the beach. Koi had an okay time and MK and I were baking hot and we did witness the eclipse. But still- astronomy means nothing to me w/o you. You taught me everything I know about the stars. I saw the north star tonight when I was walking Koi in her stroller this evening. I didn't see Orion's belt, but I did see the North Star, and it made me think of you. I know you used to look up in the sky and wonder what was out there. You always had a curiosity about you. You were pessimistic and yet optimistic at the same time. You were a walking contradiction, whi

Hi, Dad. I meant to give you an update this morning. But I fell asleep around 9am or maybe 10am- I'm not sure. And I ended up sleeping for most of the day. So, backing up... I stayed up until around 1:30am, because I had a lot of anxiety about taking Koi to the water park today. She slept from around midnight until 7am. She woke me up at 7 and said "my tummy hurt" and then she ran into her room (which means she has to poop). So I got her ready- clean diaper, clean towels underneath her, etc. and she did her business. So I had to give her another bath, dump the dump, clean up the area, etc. and I'm guessing all of this took me until around 8:30 in the morning. I had some coffee, but no breakfast b/c we didn't order kek yesterday. Anyhow, Koi ate breakfast and then she went into MK's room and started playing and such. I disappeared into my room, already deciding that today would not be the day to take Koi to a water park. If you're waking up in the morning with the runs, going to a water park probably isn't the best idea. However, little did I know that she was waiting patiently for me all morning to take her- because stupid me, I had mentioned it the night before. Well when I woke up around 2pm (yes, can you believe it), she thought she was going to the water park. I felt horrible. I thought she understood me when I told her that I would take her Friday or Monday. But she did not. So I tried to explain in a halfway decent way, but it all fell on deaf ears. I felt horrible. I thought she understood me when I told her it would be best to go to the water park like Friday or Monday (I'm thinking Monday- because she got her period today- can you believe it?) Honestly, she was fine all day and I should have taken her today. But now it's too late b/c she got her time of the month, and she can't go when that's going on. Sigh! So I suck. And I haven't even mentioned how much I miss you and love you. I did nothing today except sleep, and got her a sno cone from Pelican's (whic

Happy 53rd Anniversary, Dad. I miss you so much. I always know which anniversary it is, because all I have to do is take my age and add seven. I'm not 46 just yet- but I will be soon. And I add seven years. Being married for seven years before having me seems like a lifetime back in the 60's/70's, doesn't it? I know you were traveling a lot- and Vietnam, well, that took up a lot of time, didn't it? You weren't sure if you were going to make it back, and you didn't want to leave MK as a young widow with a baby. Even back then, you were always thinking of her- and what was best for her. I don't think a day went by when you have not thought about her. The way you meticulously wrote out your survivorship document show me how much you truly loved and cared for her. You outlined everything for her- the calls to make, the addresses to write to, the pensions, the amounts to expect, everything. What a gift, as your nurse told me. What a gift. If you hadn't done all of that, I would have been lost. I don't know how many years it would have taken me to figure everything out. And I bet I never would have figured a lot of it out. I didn't know which policies you had. I almost stopped paying one! I remember showing you the letter about nonpayment and you were trying so hard to help me. You stared at that document for at least an hour. Luckily, I paid it. I had a feeling- and I also looked around on your desk once I got home. I found your survivorship document in your computer, too- and I emailed it to myself. You used to email it to me once a year as an "FYI" but for some reason (Raper's luck), I couldn't find it when I thought I may need it in the (not so) near future. I just wanted to have it when you were sick. Not because I thought you were going to pass. I just wanted to have lots of time to prepare- because I thought you were going to be around for at least another five years. And I knew I was taking over as your full time caregiver- and I wanted to have all the documents s

Hi, Dad. I just (technically) missed your Anniversary- ugh! I swear, I am hopeless. Or is it "hapless"? You would know! Today was your 53rd wedding anniversary, and MK and I spent it by sleeping in (it's Koi's time o' the month, so I figured she needed the sleep). And then I waited for a ton of packages to arrive from Amazon and J Jill (for MK) just so I could return almost all of them. I ordered some replacement sandals and swim wear. But I ended up returning most of the stuff. It kept me busy all day, yes- wasting my day- and also kept my mind off how much I miss you. Sometimes the pain is just crippling, so I keep myself busy so I don't think about it. I know I need to deal with my grief, but I don't start counseling until August. Until then, I don't want to dope myself up too much. I did manage to wean myself off my anxiety meds to just once a day. I think you'd be proud of me! MK liked her J Jill pants. They're HUGE on her, just the way she likes them lol. She can sweep the streets with them, as you'd say. But hey- I'm glad they showed up today. They were supposed to show up tomorrow, but they came a day early. Did YOU have something to do with that? I bet you did <3 Hold on. Of course Koi wants out of the tub NOW. Because I started writing 😉 BRB.

Hi, Dad. Isn't this statue at Andrews AFB? I remember seeing it- or a copy of it- at one of the BX's we used to go to. I have so many memories as a kid shopping at the BX with you and MK. So many good times. I miss those times so much. If only I could go back for just a day. Just a day. I miss you so much, Dad. I've been emailing Nancy back and forth. She's doing all right. We're talking about religion and having blind faith. You used to tell me that if I had the faith of a mustard seed, I could move a mountain. I know, I know- it's a quote from the Bible. You were so smart. The last of the Renaissance Men, that's for sure. I don't think a minute goes by each day where I don't think of you. Nancy tells me that I should be happy and move on, because no parents wants their child to live in misery. But you see, I know you don't want me to suffer. But I can't just move on. I'll never move on. I'll always have so many regrets with the way I handled your health care during your last year- what I did and didn't do. I'll always have regrets about not giving you enough quality time. I know it's too late now. "coulda shoulda woulda" is what you would say. But it's true. I have so many regrets. I took Koi to the pool today. Surprisingly, it was full of the Bud Light/trash crowd. Ugh. Why don't they go back to work, right? They stink and clog up the pool with their filth. Sorry, but I hate the way the neighborhood is going. There's always like one or two families who bring in fifteen family members, they order a dozen pizzas, they're all fat- their kids are fat, and they speak a foreign language, like, really loud. I know, I'm gonna burn in hell. I'm an asshole. It's just annoying. You're only supposed to bring in four guests, but the Guards don't enforce shit this year. They let short kids go down the slide, and they let people who aren't legit come in with way too many guests. I wonder if I should stir the pot yet again and bring up the guest limit. Maybe. I'm a jerk. I actu

Hi, Dad. I'm just gonna write you a short note tonight b/c it's 1am and I've spent probably the last 30 minutes sitting on your bed, just surfing the Net. I kept meaning to write you, but I was just looking at pictures and doing mindless stuff- vegging out. Koi seems happy and hyper. But earlier she looked like her tummy hurt- again. I can't take all the tummy aches this summer. I have NO idea what is causing them. I can't sleep at night with anxiety for fear she is going to crap the bed. Sigh! Anyhow, this morning, she woke me up at 6am and I ended up going to your bed and sleeping until 9am. It was wonderful! She slept better, too. Honestly I think we both sleep better in different rooms, but that is just me. I know MK wants me to sleep with her- because it makes it easier for HER. But of course she'll never admit it. I'll keep doing it. At least she stayed with Koi for five months when I used to go to the VA to see you at night. I'm really grateful for our nights together, even though I came late and never really did anything to help you. Half the time, by the time I showed up, you were already asleep. That was MK's fault b/c she used to make me wait for Koi to poop, and then I would have to bathe her and I was allowed to leave to see you once I put her in the tub. Some nights that was quite late as Koi is not a poop machine, ya know? It used to make me so angry b/c I felt like MK was always putting her needs first- she didn't want to change any diapers nor did she want to bathe Koi. All she did was take her out of the tub when I left, dried her, and then put her to bed. But I guess that's a lot for her. At least she let me go. Knowing her, not letting me go is more like her. Your second hospitalization (and third one, which was the week you died), she did not let me spend the night. She thought it was a bad thing- because me being there made the nurses lazy somehow and not wanting to do their jobs. The less we were there, the more work they would do. Whatever. Y

Hi, Dad! Pray for sunshine tomorrow! I'm gonna have to cut this short yet again (I'm sorry!) because it's 2:30 in the morning and I have these "plans" to take Koi to the water park tomorrow. I'm such an idiot. Of course I'm doing all the last minute planning now- and I find out that you can save $10 per ticket if you go T-R and we are going Monday. Maybe we won't go tomorrow, but I feel like we are in a good position to go, because Koi did her business two days in a row. She's had so much gastrointestinal issues lately- it prevented us from going last week b/c of it. Since she seems "okay" today- I thought tomorrow, we best go for it. And I also found out that they only give military discounts to active duty MIL's so no discounts for us. Lastly, they will charge you regardless of whether you get in the water. So MK will have to pay, like $40, just to do nothing. Yikes. That's like $120 for the three of us. If just me and Koi go T-R, it would only be, like $60. So I don't know what to do. I think MK wants to come. She likes feeling needed. And it would be nice having her, although I would probably waste my brain cells worrying about her. But it's nice to have someone there to watch your stuff. It's kind of a white-trashy place, and I can see me getting robbed. Because I have "sucker" written all over my face. It would be nice to have MK there. I'll give her all the bad news updates when she wakes up tomorrow. I guess I should try to get some sleep, eh? Koi was up all night last night- until around 6am. I went to your room around 5am, and I heard her crying for me around 6, so I joined her again and we both slept until noon- that's why I'm so awake right now! I hope she'll be able to sleep if I lay down with her. Wish me luck, ok? I love and miss you so much, Dad. If only it was a few years ago- when your health was better. You would have driven me. I miss those days so much. I feel like crap I used to complain about your driving and how it made me carsick. I'm just s

Hi, Dad. Just another short note/update to let you know we went to Wet n' Wild, and had fun. Koi is able to do a lot on her own these days. I ended up worrying more about MK than Koi. Koi was quite low maintenance b/c she really loved the wave pool the best. We did the half pipe once- because it's now a two-person ride (so I rode it with her, and I knew she wouldn't fall out, since my legs were on top of hers). We also went down the Runaway Raft, which is a two person ride also. She also wanted to go down the Runaway Raft twice on her own (it's a 2 person and a 1 person ride). She didn't want to ride any of the slide rides and she really just wanted to stay at the wave pool. We ended up buying season passes, b/c it's just cheaper that way. So I'm guessing we'll be retuning. She's had the runs all night, and I'm guessing it's from the sun or the filthy water. She's had two rounds of the runs... 🙁 and now it's almost 5am 🙁 I'm so beat, but I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear she'll crap the bed. I hope not. Anyhow, I miss you so much, Dad. I wish you were here. I thought about you so much today. I also had to update all of our devices to System 11.4.1 (I think it was around System 9 or 10 before your stroke?) I have no idea what the updates do, but I do them right away, and of course I think of you. Koi's in bed now watching Elmo (great) and I guess I'll go and join her. I'll write you again in the morning, ok? I need to catch a few zzzz's before the sun comes up. She threw such a fit when we left, she demanded that we return tomorrow (today). Luckily with her tummy ache, she's now amended her demands and says "no Wet Wild Tuesday." Good, because it's raining in Greensboro today! We will go again at some point. At first, I told her we'd go again on Wednesday, but maybe she's calmed down a bit and isn't hell bent on retuning so soon. We'll go- I just don't know when. Thank you for channeling your positive mojo b/c we did have a good visit and we also shopped at the Gr

Hi Dad. Koi has not been sick today, but we've been really lazy. MK and I ordered Thai food again- the mango sticky rice was quite good, so we ordered two (and now I feel sick lol). Remember that Thai place in Moraga that had pineapple fried rice? I used to eat it a lot, and then I just got sick of it. Well, this Thai place actually is family-owned and they have two restaurants in Berkeley and Oakland. Small world, eh? Anyhow, today we ordered the House Curry (green) and it was a bit on the spicy side. I liked it- I love the curry sauce mixed in with the rice, but boy, was it spicy. All those carbs made me fall asleep sitting up in my chair lol. Koi has been so good today, playing in her room and in the house, going here and there, watching YouTube. I wish I had taken her somewhere. I asked her if she wanted to do something but no answer. I think I have to give her choices. Well, tomorrow is a new day. I will offer to take her somewhere like Wet and Wild or the pool tomorrow, although I am pretty sure she will say "no!" Anyhow, I'm going to take her to get something to eat now (probably Chick Fil A). I love you to the moon and back. I'll write tonight, ok? xoxo Love you, G Kat <3

Hi again, Dad. I tried to post (the above) message earlier today but it didn't work. So I kept it, and tried again (this time working) by "lighting a (virtual) candle" and so on. I hope this post stays. Right now, posting on your wall directly isn't working all the time, and when I post a virtual "gift"- the message posts, but then it disappears. The last message that is listed here is from last Tuesday- about eight days ago 🙁 Anyhow, I know you are in Heaven, and you see all the messages I am posting. I guess this is just an exercise in repetition, eh? I just wanted to say good night to you, and I love you so very much. I cannot even talk about you w/o crying- I wish I was stronger. Our newish neighbors (they moved into Lou and Vince's house- I don't know their names), but the wife is nice and she asked/commented on how sick you were last year- and how brave you were/are. I always burst into tears, even when I just try to comment very matter-of-factly. I am hoping once I start up again with therapy in August, things will get better. I switched doctors (well I'm back to Patkar and I like it) and he's found a really good psychotherapist for me at Duke. She was booked for six months, so I think I'm finally going to "get in" with her in August. I know you always thought therapy was BS, but you know, some of us weak-minded types need it, I guess. Honestly, I think I am just lonely and I need to pay someone to listen to me. That's the God-honest truth of it. I don't really have friends with whom I can talk- and they'll listen. Adulthood is strange, isn't it? Once you have kids- and unless your kids are doing something that is team- or group oriented, you really have no social life, as a parent. The parents I know only socialize through their kids' sports teams. What do you do if your kid doesn't do team sports? Well, go to therapy, I guess. Maybe church? I wish Bruce's church was here in NC. He had a really cool SF church, and I wish so much I could zap his church here.

Hi, Dad. Well here it is again 2:30 in the morning and I have no excuse. I've been vegging out, watching stupid stuff on YouTube. I hate kids and I've been watching Outdaughtered- remember that stupid show with the quints on TLC? I used to make you watch it all day Saturday and at least once a weeknight when I would come by in the evenings- probably more than once a weeknight (because it seemed like it was always on). Sometimes I realize... after your stroke. You had to lay in bed, by yourself for hours and hours. I was at the VA a lot, but I wasn't there 24 hours a day. And when I was there, you were usually sleeping b/c it was nighttime. I would leave you watching stupid stuff that you had no interest in. I would come back and you turned the t.v. off. When I would have to leave you at home, I'd leave YouTube on the computer b/c we had no t.v. And you would close the laptop b/c it would bother you. You were a guy who voraciously read on the computer hour after hour- and after your stroke, the t.v. bothered you. I know you wanted to read- and you did re-teach yourself how to- without telling anyone you needed help. You never asked for help- not once. You taught yourself how to text me. You never asked anyone for help. And remember when you would call me and say you were having a "realization" moment of what had happened? It was like an awakening? Well, I get those now, too. I think I just went on autopilot last year and I didn't want to think about all the suffering you were experiencing- not just physical, but also cognitive and perhaps emotional as well. It's overwhelming. I hate night time b/c this is what I think about. I wasn't there for you. I was present, but not "there" for you. And I don't know how to say I'm sorry, because it's too late. Sometimes I feel your body gave out because you felt like noone cared. I hope that wasn't the case, because I cared so much. I just didn't know how to help- and because I was so scared, I didn't help at all. I hear Koi jum

Hi, Dad. I'm lighting a yellow candle tonight, because it reminds me of Mom asking me to light a yellow candle for you. I haven't done that in a long, long time. Mainly, because MK instructed me to stop writing you after your Interment. She didn't want me using up the RFH's resources after the end of our contract. But, since our Funeral Director, Heather, is awesome, she has allowed me to post until the end of time, which I so appreciate. Of course, I can't tell MK about this, as she thinks asking favors of people is rude. So I just don't tell her 😉 Anyhow, so that's why I haven't posted a yellow candle on MK's behalf lately- because she has no idea I still write you. For me, this is the only way I can communicate with you. I do pray, but I find myself praying with tears. Last night was really hard. I don't know why. Something triggered how sad I am and how much I miss you. Sometimes writing you isn't cathartic at all- it brings up all the ways I failed you and it forces me to think about them and confront them. I think that is a good thing, but it also makes me suffer quite a bit. I think I deserve to suffer, but in the end, you are the one who truly suffered. You fought so hard to stay with us. You wanted to live. I hate that. Your mind was sharp and you wanted to stay, but your body gave out. I hate that more than anything. There isn't a minute that goes by where I don't think about you and miss you. We took Koi to Jump Street today (a trampoline place) and we took an old road into Apex (b/c I "had" to go to TJ Maxx lol). Anyhow, I drove under one of those old tressel bridges and it reminded me of the time when we rented that U Haul truck and we loaded up all of my belongings from Villanova in it. You had to drive me to one of my MBA classes and we forgot the clearance on the truck and boom! we hit the bottom of the bridge. We thought we took the whole cab off! It was such a scream. After you dropped me off, you later told me that you went onto the roof of my ol

Well, Koi is out of the tub and flopped on the couch. I finally cleaned up the tub/shower and put all the mountain of towels in the washing machine. I have to get up in 3 1/2 hours- yikes, and Koi has to get up in 4 1/2 hours and go to SCHOOL. How on EARTH? Well, luckily, it's just one day and then we have the weekend. We're coming up to see you this weekend, ok, Dad? Thank you for allowing all the wonderful sunshine and heat up in D.C.- I am so thankful. I love you to the moon and back. I love you so very much and miss you ever waking second. Sometimes, sleep is the only escape I have from all the heartache. And so I shall go to sleep and be wrapped in the arms of Morpheus (as you used to say). I love you, Dearest Dawg. Until tomorrow (today)... Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well, Koi made it to school today. She came home, and I took her to Chick Fil A, but she didn't eat. She came home and had a major blowout- volcanic poo. I hope she's ok. It's now 1am and I'm exhausted, but now she tells me she feels like she needs to "haku" 🙁 We're still coming up tomorrow, no matter what. I'm not going to share this with MK or else she'll try to cancel the trip. Koi had one major blowout and one minor blowout. And then she proceeded to be fine for HOURS. So much so, I even took her for a long walk outside. I went and got me and MK Chinese food at this newish Szechuan place at Parkside Commons and it was "maw maw"- we had the Family Style tofu. After I ate it, *I* felt like I was going to haku. But I just pressed through it and walked Koi around the neighborhood in her stroller. I don't know. Do you think we all have a bug or something? I have no idea. She's laying on the bed now and I'm holding a bucket and keeping it close. I want to lay down so badly. I don't know whoever said that having babies and toddlers is the most challenging times. I don't think I've had a good night sleep since 2006- lol. I guess I didn't know how good I had it. And I guess I still don't know how good I have it, compared to a lot of others. So that's what I've been up to- cleaning poo and hopefully not cleaning haku. Fingers crossed. I'd really like to get a few hours sleep tonight, ya know. I'm going to cut this post short- I am really really sorry. She seems to be okay right now, so I'm going to have a bit of a lay down just in case I have to wake up in the middle of the night and try to get the bucket under her in time. This sucks. Oh, but now she says "feel better" and she's smiling. Did you do that, Dad? Well, thank you. <3 You are always helping me- no matter what. I love you so much. I miss you terribly- I think about you day and night. I hope Koi will be okay with me sobbing uncontrollably when I come to visit you. I will try my best to keel my composur

Hi, Dad. Well, Koi made it. She's now officially a seventh grader, I guess. Today was her last day and now she's tracked out for the summer (which is only one month). All I can think about is this time last year, you were here. I was going to the VA and seeing you twice a day, spending the nights with you. You had a couple of setbacks, because of catching hospital-borne illness. But you were on the mend. You were getting better. In June and July, you were doing quite well. It rips my heart into pieces to think a year ago you were getting better, and now? Well now, you're not here- with me. I'm being selfish, because I want you here, in this world- with me. I was telling you how I ran into two of your former nurses. They kept trying to reassure me that it was God's will, and you are no longer in pain. But I didn't think you were in pain. You weren't. They always asked you your pain level and it was always a 2. You had no pain, so why do they say you are no longer in pain. The thing I didn't understand... was in August- at the very end of your hospital stay, you became dependent on oxygen. That was so scary to me, and that, I believe, is what made you so fragile. I still don't understand why you became dependent on it. I feel like they lied to me left and right. You weren't in pain, and even though you were not mobile, you were doing well and getting better. They oxygen issue was what made you very ill at the end of August. It just enrages me to think about it. I miss you so much, Dad. I hate that I can't talk to you- I can't hug you or hold your hand. My life is so lonely without you. Yes, I have your many many memories, but I don't have you. I would sacrifice myself to bring you back. I think your presence in this world was far more valuable than mine. I know that's kind of a negative thing to say. But you always told me life ain't fair. And it's not. You didn't deserve this. You were young. The VA treated you as if you were old, but you were not. Your live was (an

Okay, so I'm just now realizing that the purple pair was only $37 and I thought it was vice versa- the blue pair was $37 and the purple pair was $40, but nope- the blue pair was $40. How is a past season color more expensive than a current color? Who knows. Oh well- what's done is done. I'm glad she got the blue pair (above). They will look so cute on her with all of her "Life is Good" colorful shirts. We have amassed a huge Life Is Good shirt collection for Koi, thanks to TJ Maxx. They are great shirts- and they are well made, cute, and colorful. They're only $12.99 each, so Koi has quite a few. She looks very cool, or "fresh" these days. I also got her a couple Adidas track jackets for the fall. She's stylin'! She's in middle school now, so she's gotta look good, right? I remember middle school- it was pure hell for me, so I hope she has a better experience than I did. Anyhow, I am still in your room, so let me just say good night. Sorry I spent the whole night talking about shoes. Sometimes it's just nice to be light hearted, I guess. I do miss you so much. I never stop thinking about you. Ever. I'm still in your room, so I guess I should kiss our bears good night and head over to my room. I love you so very much. There isn't a second that I don't think about you. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. I will write in the morning, I promise. I can't believe I forgot this morning. I think it's b/c I overslept. No excuses, but geez- I'm sorry. I promised I'd write you and I completely blanked. I love you so much- until tomorrow, ok? <3

p.s.s. I bleached my roots again tonight so I have yellow roots, white hair and a mohawk. You'd laugh so hard if you saw me. MK says I look like Kim Jong Un. I would post a picture, but nah. It's not for the faint of heart. I love you, Dad. I miss you. <3

Hi, Dad. Now I know why I don't write you in the mornings- life is chaotic, as you remember. Koi had a blowout, and I also had to get gohan for MK (and me too). I'm finally ready to take Koi to the pool and it's almost 2pm. So, I best get going b/c MK also wants us to come home early. We see. I love you to the moon and back. I'll write when I return. I love you so much, Dad. Just b/c I'm not writing doesn't mean I don't think about you every minute of every day. When I look at the sunshine, I know that's you behind it. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi again, Dad. You see? I had all these ideas that I would be writing you today, and as usual, I have no idea where the day went. I need to do better. I'm sorry. I didn't get Koi to the pool until 2pm- late today. We overslept until 10:20 or so. Then, I had to go and get MK some lunch- because if I don't do that, she'll be horrible to me both before I leave for the pool and when I get home. She's like a caged tiger. Anyhow, so I got her her gohan and by that time it was almost 1:30pm. It was kind of a good thing, though- because Koi had a major blowout, and thank goodness that happened at home and not at the pool. So we got to the pool late and MK demanded we come home at 5pm. But I didn't. We came home around 6:30 and then I took Koi for Brixx pizza. Anyhow, we came home and I've been putzing around but Koi unko'ed again- so it was a good thing I didn't get in the shower right away (again) lol. We took a shower and here it is- midnight again. But hey- at least it's not 2am, right? Koi wakes up at 7am, so I should put her to bed in a few. I have my nut doctor appt. tomorrow with Patkar, so that'll be fun. I need more pills. But I've cut down so much on the ativan- you'd be proud of me. I know you think it's all a bunch of bs, and you're right. It doesn't really even help me at all. It's more of a psychological comfort. That and the benzos in my system- I'm only taking them once a day now, but they're still in my system. I'm trying to make you proud. I'm also trying to visualize cutting down on the other thing, too. When I was going back and forth to the VA to see you, I was only taking that twice a day. But now I'm back up to three times a day. When I had a purpose, I didn't need it. But now? Without you, I don't have a purpose in life, so I don't see the point in cutting back with that. But I'll try eventually. Just cause. I love and miss you so much. Life isn't the same without you. I look at and talk to your picture everyday- multiple times a day. I miss you so m

Hi, Dad. What beautiful flowers someone sent you. Hm 😉 I wonder who sent those 😉 Well here we are again. 12:30 in the morning and Koi just fell asleep. She's snoring and it's so cute. We had a full day, which, of course, precluded me from writing, like I said I would 🙁 I'm sorry. I had my nut doctor appt. today and Patkar was proud of me. I've cut back on the anxiety meds quite a bit. I'm no longer taking anti-depressants, and that other thing, well... I'm still taking that. I'm going to see a therapist starting in August. I decided to wait for the one who looks like she'd be a good fit with me. There was a therapist who called me and who could fit me in sooner. But she sounded like she needed a therapist herself. Lol! People don't know how to laugh at themselves sometimes. She talked a mile a minute, and I prefer a therapist who listens to me talk. Imagine that. I think we're okay for now. I'd rather just wait and find someone who asks me questions and teases out things about me, as opposed to a therapist who talks nonstop about random crap. You know what I mean. Anyhow, after my appt., MK and I went to Chipolte and had some tacos. Then we went to Marshall's and got a few shirts- mostly for Koi. Then we went to another Marshall's (no idea why) and found nothing. And then we came home. Oh- before my nut doctos appt., I had to have my hair re-shaved, as the woman who cut it before the weekend missed a lot of areas. She didn't charge me for the do-over, but I did tip her well 🙂 Then in between being busy, I also went grocery shopping in the morning. Whew. I just dozed off for a sec. Maybe I should join Koi in bed and maybe finish this note in the morning. I always say that, don't I? We went to the pool today and I guess it drained us pretty well today. We didn't get enough sleep last night, and I don't think we're gonna get enough sleep tonight as well. Oh well, right? I miss you so much. It was hard answering Patkar's questions today. He was asking some questio

Hi, Dad. As usual, I don't know where the day went. It's 2am! Koi and I did not go to the pool because it was raining all day. What we did was take a nap (yay) and it helped a LOT. That's probably why we are still up, eh? But still- we need to go to bed. Tomorrow, Koi's school is having their field day, so I've been trying to coordinate a "wet" and "dry" outfit for her- because I'm not going to be there to dress her. Plus, I was waiting for her to unko, which she did not do until midnight. I still don't know why it took us so long to get to this point. She didn't want to get out of the tub- she was playing with her Barneys and submarine. Anyhow, I just went into your room. I took an envelope to put Koi's Pelican's sno-cone money in for tomorrow. You were always prepared to take care of the family. And you did that by always having a supply of envelopes and stamps- where it was to pay bills, lawn people, or whatever. I'm still using your envelopes. Your bathroom is just how you left it- right down to the bar of soap that has not been touched since you last took a shower there, I'm guessing March 4th or 5th, 2017. Your shampoo is just how you left it- on the very top railing of the shower frame. Your lotions and stuff- well, I did rearrange a lot when you came home in August of last year. I had a lot of lotions for your dry skin, plus your regular toiletries that were still on hand. Your bed is nicely made- there is a nice comforter on it. I don't know if you were ever able to enjoy this comforter, or if it was something that MK bought you for when you returned from the hospital. I don't know. In any case, your bed is very comfortable, and I lay down on it all the time. You have two stuff bears who have magnetic paws. They are able to hug and hold hands all the time- all day, everyday. I named them "dawg" and "kat" bears 🙂 They hug each other day and night- because I can't hug you. They are doing it for me. I miss you so much, and tonight it's especially painful. I d

Hi, Dad. Everytime I reach out to you and ask you for a sign, you give it to me. You know what you did- you know the latest sign you gave me. You're a wonderful soul, you are. I'm speechless. It was right in front of my nose this whole time, and yet I was reading it for the first time (or so it seemed). I wish I could go on and on- but guess what? Koi was up all night last night. I guess the nap wasn't a good thing. She did great during her field day, and we even went to the pool today after school. But she is sleeping in the tub right now- yep, in the tub. Don't worry, I'm right there- right beside her. And I'm going to wake her up and get her out right this very second. So I will continue this in just a few. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you so much it hurts so badly. xoxo TBC G Kat <3

I'm back. Koi's on the bed, passed out again, buck nekked lol. Poor thing. I'm gonna have to wake her up one more time to get her pj's on her. We took a nap yesterday b/c it was raining, and it was the worst thing we could have done. She was up all friggin night last night. I was sleeping and MK comes into the room saying "where is Mommy? Why is Koi still up?!" And of course then I woke up. She commanded me to "put her to sleep" and I'm like "okay okay." As if I can control that kind of schizz. MK and I have not been getting along lately. Lots of locals have been either irritating and/or disrespectful to me/us when we go into their establishments, whether it's a grocery store or fast food- and MK blames me for getting too friendly with them. Wait just a minute, here. She was the one who befriended over half of these locals, saying "oh so and so is from Kansas, she's a good woman." MK won't own up to anything and sometimes it's just too much for me. She admits to nothing- she concedes to nothing. She'll never admit that I busted my butt working on paperwork for her pensions for months. Actually, she'll say "I SAID you worked everyday on that..." but she'll still threaten to kick me out. I feel like used toilet paper sometimes. That's how she makes me feel. Maybe I am. But whatever- I would do it agin because you have always told me that I should help my Mother when you are no longer here. Because I respect you and I want to honor your wishes, that is what I do, regardless how ugly and nasty she is to me. You know the only thing that makes her happy. And you sure know how to make her happy. You have done so much for her. As you would say "she's not worthy!" LOL! It's so true! She isn't! Neither am I! You are the most honorable, honest, kind, and caring human being I've ever known. I love you so much, Dawg. I will continue this tomorrow. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. So I've ran into two nurses in two days. Two of your old nurses from the VA. MK and I ran into one nurse, whose name I can't spell or remember. I think she is from Trinidad. Or Barbados. Or Sierra Leon. No idea. But she used to call me "Jenny" and she was your nighttime nurse. I liked her a lot. She would always have you all clean and ready for bed by the time I got there. I didn't get there at night until around 10 or 11ish most nights. You would always be clean and ready for bed. Often, you would already be sleeping. I also ran into a nurse named "Shiny." She lives in our neighborhood somewhere, and I used to run into her at the pool. As I was leaving the pool with Koi today, I ran into her as well. Are these the signs you are giving me? They are full of positive advice and kind words. A part of me appreciates it, and then another part of me is deaf to it all. When I asked you for a sign, is this the sign you are giving me? Because I appreciate it, if it is. I also know about that "other" sign. MK found it, btw- right after I called them, she found it. What a maroon lol. Anyhow, she has it now and is all gums and teese. I don't know why, but i never even saw that other figure, as I was reading the survivopship info. Ugh! Sometimes I guess I just miss really important documents. I don't know. But when I read your survivorship document, I never ever saw it. When I looked at it today, there it was- in plain view. How could I have missed that. Words cannot express how much I miss you. Seeing your old nurses just makes me miss you more. I'm falling asleep, Dad. I am afraid I have to write you tomorrow- again. I'm so sorry. Last day of school is tomorrow, though- yay. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm sitting on your bed or "litter" as you used to call it, and I'm looking at our bears- Dawg and Kat Bear. They are made by the same company that Fritx the Mouse was made. I wonder where he is now 🙁 I miss him, too- but I miss you more than anything. I can't believe it's July 1st. Koi woke up at 4am with a tummy ache. She had volcanic shit at 6am which caused the tossing of five large bathroom towels, countless wipes and plastic bags, and running the bath for her at 6:30am. Of course MK slept through the whole thing. She claims she was awake the whole time (yeah right), but that just makes her look worse- because that means she didn't bother to get up and help me out. Dealing with a shitplosion is hard work, and having help is definitely a huge help. When I was dumping the poop, it reminded me of the shitplosions you used to have bc you were being tube fed with all the wrong crap. I'm sorry for losing my patience with you so many times. It wasn't you. I was just tired. MK said some mean things, and I should have told her to shut the hell up. I stayed quiet, but that didn't mean I agreed with her. And I may have been mean to you with my "turn overs" and such, but you know that it was just me being tired (like I was this morning), and that I love you more than life itself. I would gladly sacrifice myself to bring you back in a heartbeat. I'm not just saying that. If there was any way to trade souls being gone from this world- and if that would bring you back, I would do it in a second. You wanted to live so much. And I hate how your body gave out. You didn't get the right therapies or medical interventions. Yes, you received plenty of medical interventions, but I believe many were unnecessary and the ones that were needed weren't given. Anyhow, enough negativity for now. But that was what I was thinking this morning. I'm just so sorry for not being kinder and more patient. That pretty much holds true for the last decade, too. I'm sorry I had such terrible

Hi Dad. I miss you more than ever tonight. It's Sunday night, and Sunday nights are particularly reflective. I think about you so much. I think about all the words I didn't say. All the gestures I didn't make. All the things I didn't do for you. I swear to God (and I hate saying that), but I thought you would be with us longer. I didn't want to completely put Koi on the backburner- especially after what I did a few years ago (and you know that). So I was trying my best to make you a priority and yet also make time for Koi. In my mind, you were still my #1 priority- but I did make time for Koi. I took her to the State Fair twice- and looking back, I shouldn't have- bc she didn't even want to go twice. I bought those stupid wristbands and I didn't want them to go to waste. But I left the house for far too long- and I left you with Mom, or in my mind, pure incompetence. But I am grateful for the conversations you had with her when I wasn't there. According to her, you both did have conversations where you expressed to her you weren't going to make it. The more I think about it- the more I realize that you realized how sick you were. I didn't think you knew. And I honestly didn't know. The doctors kept telling me you were very sick, but you had chronic conditions that could be managed for a very long long time. And I knew that. Had I realized your timeline, I would have done things so very different. I can't get that out of my mind. Koi is coming out of the tub. More in a sec. xoxo

I'm back. Well. I should clean the shower. Let me do that. But yeah- Sundays are particularly difficult, because as the week ends, I reflect on my life- and how it'll never be the same without you. I wish I did so much differently. The last gift you gave us- I cannot believe it sat here on top of the microwave for six months. That shows to go you how stupid we are- and how right you were about our incompetence. Anyhow, at least we did finally discover it- and I did my research. I realized it was not a scam, like I originally thought. And MK finally found what it was you left us. I looked up the name and saw it was related to OPM and that is how I knew it was legit. Then I looked at your document and saw it there- plain as day- staring at me in the face. Those are the days when I truly feel your presence. Those are the days when I know you are watching over me, and helping me get through the days. Those are the days when I am particularly grateful that you continue to be with me, you continue to guide me and watch over me.

This is part III of my scattered (and scatterbrained) post. Koi wanted me to cuddle with her- so of course I did. You always were so loving and kind to her. That's how people in our neighborhood always remembered you- you were always so gentle and loving with her- when it was either driving her around to appointments or bringing her chips or a pizza at the pool. You did so much for her. You went and got her breakfast every single day up until very recently. I still can't even comprehend how many days and years that was. You only stopped when you became ill. But you did until you couldn't any longer. I'm just so grateful for everything you did- not just what you did and what you gave, but who you were (and are) and what you taught (and continue to teach) me. Sometimes I wonder why I picked such assholes as partners when I had nothing but the best role model in my life. It's like I finally realize it. You taught me to respect and love myself- so why didn't I? You taught me never to settle, so why did I? You were- and continue to be- my everything. I miss you so much, Dawg. I would give anything to see you one more time, or just to hold your frail hand one more time. I miss you so much. I would give anything to turn back the time and drive to the VA to see you and spend the night with you. I miss you so much it hurts constantly- especially when MK is cranky and nasty to me (cough cough like tonight). I won't even go into how she picks and picks on me. You always understood what I went through, because you went through it tenfold. I'm sorry you never were able to make that pilgrimage to visit your ancestors up north. If I ever get the chance, I promise you I will do that for you, ok? It may be a long time from now if I'm still here- but if I am,I will go. It will be a journey to honor you. I hope you have a nice evening. Since Koi finally fell asleep, I suppose I'll join her. I don't want to sleep the day away, even though we are officially on summer break. I love you t

Hi, Dad. I just told Koi I'm going to write Grandpa and then come to bed. As usual, it's late- 1am. I didn't do much today. Koi hasn't wanted to go to the pool since Friday. I'm not sure why. Thursday, I think she may have been kicked in the head by someone swimming by her. But I'm not sure. I was in the pool with her, and I saw her rubbing her head, as if she was kicked. I just don't know. So we have been getting creative around the house. I took her to a splash park on Sunday (yesterday) which was just ok. On Saturday, I think we did nothing, except get out of the house to do some shopping. Today, we did nothing except run some of (my) errands. We did get some sno cones and she did get some fries- both today and yesterday, we got her Longhorn Steakhouse fries. She seems to like those. We decided to take a break from Chick Fil A and from Brixx pizza. I think Brixx pizza actually made her sick the other day. So anyhow, we haven't been doing much. She has asked me to take her to a waterpark, so I plan on doing that after the 4th of July. I'm not sure what day, though- probably the week after the 4th. We shall see. Sometimes she'll say "no water park" and other times she'll fixate on it. Right now, she has her head buried in teh blankets and I hope she's ok. She has been going through a lot of emotions lately, and I am not sure why. Could it be hormonal? I'm not sure. I think she's ok. I miss you, Dad. I miss you so much. I can't stop thinking about how much I miss you- day and night, I never get tired of thinking about you and wishing you were still here. I received a letter/email from Aunt Nance. I haven't written her back. I start to write her back, but I just got sidetracked. I will definitely finish up my email to her tomorrow. I want to sound coherent, and at 1am, I'm not incredibly coherent. I almost called Aunt Nancy Meghan Markle (Prince Harry's new wife- I'm sure you'd have an opinion on her!) Anyhow, I miss you so much. I also plan on visiting you this mon

Hi, Dad. I finally wrote Aunt Nance tonight. She emailed me yesterday when she returned from the beach with Kim, Kim's family, and their new dog, who she calls "Doggo" 🙂 Anyhow, she feels sorry for me because I'm honest with her and tell her how much I miss you. I wish she wouldn't feel badly for me. I'm okay, really. I don't think there is anything wrong with missing someone terribly. Things just don't roll off my shoulders easily. You know that- I'm like you. <3 I miss you so very much, especially on the nights where MK is being her usual "self" that puts me down. She, again, tells me I should move out. These words are always told to me when it's late at night and Koi hasn't pooped, and she thinks I fail at being a mother b/c I don't put her on a strict enough schedule. I took her to the pool today and apparently I was supposed to be home at 5, but we stayed until 7. Whatever! I'm a middle aged woman, as you would say. Leave me alone. It's hard when you are still having to kowtow to your mother at my age. Like you said, that's why kids move out. I could move out, and then Koi's life would change so much. Like three years ago, I don't know how she would do with the transition. Granted, it wouldn't be as traumatic of a transition if it was just me and Koi and no extra abusive human involved. So maybe it's worth a second try. But between you and me, I don't think MK can take care of herself. Today I killed spiders that were living in three of the back windows, per her orders. I told her that you always said spiders were our friends and they eat bugs- so they're good to have around. They harm noone. But nope- she insisted I kill them, so I did :( And I saw three hornets nests up on the ceiling of the back porch and the top corners of the house. I told her that, like the Blums, you would have no idea about these hornets nests if I hadn't gone out and seen them. I immediately went to Walmart- twice- and bought wasp spray and killed those f'ers. She didn't thank me. Ins

Just a quick update. It's almost 3am 🙁 But Koi went #2 and she's in the bed (showered too). I have to get up in 5 hours to go to a party, which is crazy to me. But I can do it. I hope she can too. MK will be grumpy as heck tomorrow, but what else is new. I love you so much. I cried for a little bit b/c I miss you, and Koi comforted me. She's one in a million. I love her and I love you both so much. Love you, Dawg. xoxo G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. It's 4th of July. Whee. The pool had a party, so that's what Koi and I did today. It wasn't too bad. There were five food trucks and Kumar- who is in charge of the pool social gatherings this year, actually ordered a pepperoni pizza just for Koi. During the last party, he asked me if the HOA could make any improvements, and the only thing I could think of was to make pizza available b/c that's all Koi eats. He actually ordered from Pizza Hut just for Koi- and all the other "families" kept asking me where we got the pizza. Hah. It was just for Koi, a'holes! Lol. Just for Koi. I thought that was really kind and awesome. Koi gobbled most of it, and I had a lousy cheeseburger from one of the food trucks. It feels late, but it's "only" 11:30. I wasted an hour just now cleaning my ears/earrings. I may sell some of my jewelry. I do this every now and again not b/c I need the money, but because I don't like to accumulate earrings and rings I don't wear. I can't find the ring you bought me from Central America over thirty years ago- I swear I did not sell it. But ever since you returned from the VA Hospital last August- I took it off, and I can't find it ever since. I only wore the ring when you were in the Hospital and I told myself, just like your mancave desk light, I wouldn't turn it off/take it off, until you came home. Now, I always leave one light on in your room- not the desk light but the one on your bachelor's chest. To me, it signifies that a part of you is still in that room. Your scent, your belongings, your important paperwork, old letters and photos. Did I tell you I found the old letters you saved from when you were overseas? You saved some letters that your parents wrote you. I only read a couple of them and in it, your Dad talks about being excited to meet Mia. You must have told them you were engaged to her, eh? You were always such a trailblazer and so avant garde. Anyhow, what was I saying? Your room- your mancave. I haven't touched it since yo

Hi, Dad. Not much to say tonight. Today was spent getting my medication- since I switched doctors, I needed to pick up prescriptions from my new doc and get them filled. I also decided to switch pharmacies, too. Walgreens just ain't cutting it, so I went back to CVS. MK has to stay with Walgreens b/c it's the only place that will accept Tricare for Life. Oh well, right? Anyhow, I spent/wasted the day doing that. I took Koi swimming, and here we are- like six hours later. She had dinner at Chick Fil A (so did I), and she's finally showered and in bed. It's 12:30 did I mention? This kid needs some sleep, but she stays up late. Last night, we went to bed early and she woke up at 4am. She, of course, fell asleep at school 🙁 Anyhow, I hope it doesn't happen again, since it's so late. I'm falling asleep sitting up. I don't know what my deal is. I'm going to cut this note short tonight, but I will write you first thing tomorrow, while I'm drinking coffee and at least I'll be more awake and engaged than I am now. Today was tough- just been thinking about you a lot. It's truly unbearable sometimes. I miss you so much. I'm so depressed not having you here. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I'll write you in the morning, ok? Less than six hours from now. I love you so much, Dad. If only I could see you, touch you, hear you again. I picked up your electric razor today and saw your whiskers in the razor. It brought me to tears. I'm treasuring everything that is in your room- everything is untouched- and it's going to stay that way forever. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3

Hi Dad. As usual, I'm drowsy from my meds, and I'm incoherent as to what I want to say. But without the meds, I can't sleep at night. My anxiety is getting worse, but we all know I can't function w/o it. I miss you so much Dad. I had some trouble with my "nut doctor" the other day and so they basically gave me an ultimatum- receive the therapy that I don't want or else I'll get booted from the program. It's forced me to really consider how much longer I want to stay in this program. Should I find another one? Or should I go off it completely? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am having such a hard time living my life and going on without you. I'm not sure if you would have foreseen this, given what a jerk I often was. I guess "ingrate" would be a better word, eh? MK asked me why I don't want to stop taking the meds- why don't I want to quit. And I told her b/c my life is sad and I don't want to stop taking the meds. She responded that her life was equally sad, but I told her she also makes my life sad. She yells at me constantly- and you know what? She agreed? She agreed that at least she had an outlet (me) to yell and be a jerk. And for me? I've got to take it- and carry on being an adult, but not being treated as such. It's difficult, ya know? I know you know. You are the only one who understand me- and probably you are the only one who ever will understand me. That's why I miss you so much. You were my everything- my support, my best friend, my parent, my caregiver... everything. I saw a red cardinal today and wondered if it might be you. I talked to the cardinal- told him that I am doing okay- I did MK's paperwork and stuff and I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. I don't know if it was you- but every time I see a cardinal, I start talking to him, and I usually say the same stuff- I tell him I'm okay, even though I'm not. That I'll be okay. MK is okay. And she is taken care of. I'm going to lay down now- even though Koi just got out of bed- no

Hi, Dad. Here are some roses for you, since the ones we brought to your gravesite were "taken away" who Lord knows who- I guess the Groundskeepers. We brought them on a Sunday, and Monday morning they were still there. But by Monday afternoon, they were gone. Luckily, MK picked up some more flowers (from the commissary) and then I "found" some purple flowers and we put those by your grave. But the pink roses- not so much. Next time, I'll know how to leave them- you have to use one of the vases they provide (which are basically in the trash can). We left them laying down by your marker, which I was told, isn't wrong- but still- next time. The vase. Sorry. But I did clean the bird crap off your marker, too. I guess birds like a fresh new stone, eh? I actually put my hand in it when I went to see you. I was so shocked your marker was there- I touched it, and put my hand in fresh, gooey bird crap. Raper's luck, right? 😉 Anyhow, it's Wednesday night, and Koi is going to school tomorrow- *finally*. I don't know how I'm going to wake up in less then four hours (again)... I'm going to be so exhausted. I guess I should put her to sleep so she won't be as exhausted as I'm gonna be. I miss you so much. I was in your mancave tonight, like I am every night, and when I use your body lotion- the kind you got at the hospital- it makes me feel more connected to you. I just feel like I need something to help me connect with you. And the lotion- wearing it and putting it on from the same tube that we used to slather your skin with- it's a little comforting. Anyhow, I just miss you, and I find myself looking for ways to connect with you in ways I never did before. I'm falling asleep- again. I'll continue this in the morning, ok? I was texting Miss Shelia tonight- and then my phone died and I dropped off. She is such a kind, caring woman. I didn't know she read my notes to you when you were in the hospital and I had to leave in the morning. I wrote you every day saying when I was comi

Hi, Dad. Sorry for not writing earlier today. Today's waste of time can be summarized by three things: poop, hair, and no sleep. I fell asleep sitting up in my chair earlier today- when I was going to write you. Koi was in school- and she actually had a great day, despite not sleeping very much. Then, we came home after I picked her up from school/snack and we waited forever for her bowels to do their thing. Twice. I hope she's back to "normal" now. It took a long time- after 11ish. Then, stupid me, when she was in the tub, I thought I'd just touch up my dark roots. I have a shaved head with a little, short mohawk, so I figured, how long can it really take? Well, I didn't leave the bleach in long enough b/c my hair is already damaged. So it's very brassy. What is the poor man's fix to brassy hair? Well, I usually just do it again. But since I didn't have another box (or time), I just poured pink on it. It's not so horrible- because most of it washed out anyway. It's what the kids do these days- they try to bleach their hair at home and get yellowy results- so they just pour a funky color over it. That's basically what I did. And that was a total waste of a day. But what hasn't been a waste is me texting your old nurse, Miss Shelia. We were going back and forth, until I fell asleep earlier today. We were just talking and she was telling me how much she loved your smile and your eyes- how your eyes would light up when she read my notes to you. I miss you so much, Dad. It's still surreal to me, and I don't think I am dealing with anything. How does one really deal with such a magnificent loss in one's life? You can accept it, but how can you carry on? I never will- ever. You were the single most important human in my life, and I just want you to know that. I know most mothers name their children, and yes, Koi is important to me. But you have had the most effect in my life. You have more time than Koi, too... I've been with you my whole life. I feel so lost without yo

Hi, Dad. It's been one of those "where did the day go" days, you know? I'm sorry, I said I was going to write earlier today, and I plum forgot. I didn't forget- but I haven't been home for most of the day. I was supposed to write you- or at least check in, because I haven't been writing much lately. At least we (she) gets two short days off- and so do I 😉 Again, I'm sorry for not writing earlier today. Ugh- I just dozed off right now, too. This two day week has been horrible after such a long track out. Even Koi is in bed and it's only 10:30. I may have to continue this- again. I've been thinking about you so much, though. Koi played outside with the hose today and reminders of you are everywhere. The grass patch that is a constant reminder of the ramp that went to our house. The grass is slowly but surely coming back. The flowers we planted from what we got from the commissary are not doing so well- so per MK's request, I cut them down to the bulb. She says that's fine- and the flowers will come back up next Yeah. She does know a thing or two about flowers- so I suppose she may be right. So I cut them down, and we'll see if they grow back next year (or if the bunny family eats them- yep Mr. Bunny is still eats in our yard and he's got himself a wife now- there's two of them- I caught them hopping around our front yard last week- furry butts and all. I miss you so much. I think about you all the time. All the time. I can't believe your'e not here. I miss talking to you, joking around with you, and even just teasing you/giving you a bad time. I hope you know I was joking all those times. I feel really badly, because I don't think you knew how much I truly appreciated you (and still appreciate) you. Everything we have, basically, is because of you (despite what MK says). You meticulously outlined everything for me- what to do- who to call- what papers and contact people to reach out to, etc. You did it all, so I could help MK get set up with her b'ness. I wish I

Hi, Dad. I'm lighting a blue candle tonight, because blue was always your favorite color. It's my favorite color, too- well that and green. I've missed connecting with you. I was in your mancave, but it's late, and MK is grumpy, as usual. She is po'ed because I left Koi in the tub too long. I didn't "leave" her, but you know what I mean. She was relaxing and enjoying her bath, but MK gets all bent out of shape if she's in the tub too long. As much as she claims to "get" Koi, I don't think she "gets" Koi at all. Anyhow, I always loved when you did your "Koi-analysis" about her- you used to uncover how truly brilliant and smart she is- and how you would "catch" her being so smart. She had us all fooled for a long time, eh? But not you. I think you always knew, despite her diagnosis. I know her dx shocked me, but I don't know if it shocked you. I know you just didn't skip a beat with Koi- or even with you after you became ill. You kept on plugging away, never complaining, and always having a positive outlook. I miss you so very much. I feel so alone- these are one of the days/nights where I just miss you terribly- like so much it hurts my heart. I can't stop thinking about you and wishing you were here. Koi is on the bed playing a game, but if she gets loud, I'm going to have to cut this short and put her to sleep. I can't let her wake up MK because if I have to hear those slippers shuffle down the hallway just to yell at me, I may lose it. I miss you so much. We are still in NC, but I still have great plans to move one day (sorta) soon, so I can be closer to you. As a side note, Koi is playing a game, and it has country ish music going on in the background, and it's distracting me- in a bad way. And now she's talking to herself about taking a panda home. I may have to say "good night" and continue this in the morning. Except I will continue this in the morning- I promise. I'm going to try to take Koi the neighborhood "earth day" celebration at the clubhouse tomorrow,

Hi, Dad. I said I was going to write you today, but I didn't. I'm sorry. I woke up early (well 9ish for me, which is early) and I had to take Koi to the Earth Day celebration at the Clubhouse. Koi didn't want to go. I don't know why I bust my a** to do these things, when she doesn't want to be there. I thought it might be fun. MK wanted free food (there were foodtrucks there). So instead of getting Mexican (because I can only wait one food truck line with Koi), I had to get Greek food, b/c MK wanted Greek food. She has no idea what she asks. It took forever, and if it wasn't for the kindness of a woman who asked around and finally pushed someone into letting me and Koi cut the line, we'd still be waiting in that food truck line for our falafel, I swear. So I guess not everyone in our community sucks, eh? There are nice people out there. So after I got the food, Koi and I hung out outside- with three kiddie pools, two towels, and lots of bubble bath, hoses, and car soap (no idea why she loves soap so much, but she does). We were outside from, like, 1:30 until almost 5-5:30! Then we went for pizza (she went for pizza, I was still full from the hummus), and lastly, we swung by the old bakery and I bought some cookies (and also got some kids cookies) for Koi's breakfast tomorrow. She's not into croissants anymore, which is good, but she'll always eat a cookie. I kept waiting for some downtime. MK wanted me to look for some J Jill pants for her- and guess what? I didn't get to do that, either. It's not like I am busy, I just don't have any time. I think this is what I really struggled to explain to you. I think you understood. But I always felt badly when you'd invite me to a movie and I wouldn't be able to go. Looking back, I would have taken every opportunity to be with you- I really was selfish and clueless. I knew you were sick- yes, very sick. But I didn't think you would pass at such a young age. I hate myself for not spending more time with you. Yes, I spent a l

Hi, Dad. Didn't I say I was going to write you during the day? Well, I did have the best of intentions, as usual. But I fell asleep, sitting up for two hours. We dropped off Koi at school and I had a free breakfast coupon at Chick Fil A, so MK and I had that. I came home and fell asleep, and by the time I woke up, MK wanted to know "what is for lunch." Har! I was just feeling better and snapping out of my food coma, and she wanted to eat more, so we went to Smithfield chicken and then we picked up Koi. Koi and I walked to the UPS store after school (well I pushed her in the stroller), and she did great. She is getting to be quite the nice helper. She goes whereever I go, and it's nice. She helped me drop off two boxes- two boxes of Doc rain boots that didn't fit, (so those boxes were huge), and then we came home. I also returned some earrings just because I didn't need them- so that will help me with the okane situation. I'm still tired, but honestly I don't know what happened to the day. I wasn't productive at all and yet I'm exhausted. I'm hoping to get to bed earlier tonight. Koi is in the tub, but she sees me typing, so I predict she'll want to come out soon 😉 I miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. This is to be continued before I hit the sack, ok? I love you, Dawg. xoxo G Kat <3

It's me again. It's 11:12 and Koi is in bed. I can't believe it. So I'm going to join her in the hopes that I don't fall asleep sitting up tomorrow. I have a "nut doctor" appt. tomorrow, as you used to call it. It's not working, but I go through the motions. The hired a therapist who is half my age and has no experience, aside from school. So when I tell her about things, she always has an academic reference, complete with author, name of publication, and a nice synopsis of the theory he/she is trying to prove. It's one of the most boring hours ever. But at least I get to go shopping afterwards. Window shopping 😉 I love you so much, Dad. I was just in your mancave, and I love spending time in there. I can feel your presence, and it makes me feel not so alone. I miss you so much- there is such a huge hole in my heart now. I don't think it'll ever mend, but that's ok. Now I can look forward to seeing you one day. I love you to the moon and back. Hopefully I can visit you again when Koi tracks out in June. I'd like to go before then- but the only three day weekend is Memorial Day weekend, and that's when everybody on earse travels. But maybe we can just pull Koi out of school for one day and go on a Friday to Saturday. I dunno, so we'll see. I'll start talking to MK about it, because I sure would like to see you again. It's always been just the two of us, and it's hard to carry on w/o my better half. I love you so much, Dad. You are the best Dad in the universe. You have saved me countless times, and I promise to try to do right by what you have taught me. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I miss you so much. It's been a hard few days. I went to the "nut doctor" today and I finally told her that her "style" just isn't working with me. I didn't want to have the confrontation, but when I tried to leave (early), she confronted me (nicely) and really pushed me to tell her what was wrong. So I told her that I didn't think her "style" of therapy was incredibly helpful for me (you know, everything is a mindless analogy to grief that does nothing but piss me off). Today she actually analogized losing a loved one to her swim goggles falling off her face in a swim meet. Yep- she didn't "do her best" but she "tried her best" despite the goggles falling down. That is somehow supposed to make me feel better because hey- I tried my best with you, and just like a pair of faulty goggles, well, there's nothing I can do about failing. So call it a day! I'm still so po'ed about it. You would be laughing so hard if you were here, Dad. I know you all thought it was a crock of sh**. You never bought into anything, and that's what I love about you. Even Bruce (my old pastor- you know, the Asian guy who baptized Koi?) reached out to me and asked if I wanted to talk. So we may do a video chat later in the week. At least he's "real," and despite not wanting to talk about things- I think I wouldn't mind talking about things with him. He knew you and he really liked you. He presided my (first) wedding, and baptized Koi. I've always liked him and I wish I was still in San Francisco so I could worship with him (although he no longer is a full time pastor). Anyhow, you are so missed, Dad. Words cannot really express how I feel. I just plug away at each day, hoping that life gets more tolerable. But it doesn't. Each day is painful and long. I have some of the longest days ever- and I'm busy the whole time. I never have time to relax, and yet I am not incredibly productive with my time. Busy doing nothing, I guess. That's the life of a Mom, right? If you were here, you would

Hi again, Dad. I wanted to thank you. I'm sitting on your bed, and I don't usually look at Facebook this late in the evening. But I noticed something posted from Surfer's Healing. The registration dates are coming up- and the military appreciation surfing day's registration begins later today at 10am. I didn't know the date was open for retired families as well. So that means us, right? So I'm going to set my alarm early and try to register Koi. I've also emailed the coordinator to make sure we can register. But I never would have noticed, unless something compelled me to go in your room and sit here and gather my thoughts. It's 5:30 in the morning! Koi is in her room and being really quiet, which is enabling me to look around on the Internet and catch up with things. I do need to get to bed, if I'm going to wake up in four hours, though. But I want to thank you. Because if it wasn't for you- I wouldn't have known that military appreciation day sign-ups are coming up today (later today). I looked on their web page and it also includes retired families. I had no idea. To me, it would seem like there would be tons of retired families. Maybe I'm thinking of the DC area, eh? They cap the surf camp at 60 participants, which is quite small, too. Anyhow, fingers crossed Koi gets in. I regret going last year, because you were so sick. I left you on the solar eclipse day. I left sunglasses for you, but I know noone put them on you. I so regret leaving town that day. If I had it to do over, of course I would not have taken Koi that day at all. So many regrets, Dad. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for putting Koi's wants over your needs. If only I had known how little time you really had with us- she could have waited. I shouldn't have taken her to the mall so much during her track out, and I shouldn't have wasted hours- twice- taking her to the state fair. I regret that, because you needed me. And yet- you, again, selflessly remind me that SH sign ups are later today. That is just ty

Hi, Dad. It's late. 12:30ish. Koi and I took a nap around 5:30 until almost 8pm, so we are pretty awake. Koi's in the tub, and MK is sound asleep. She'll wake up soon to shomben and will yell at me for not being in bed. Same sh**, different day. I miss you. I just found out that a girl I went to HS with- well, her husband died. She has EIGHT kids with him and has always been a stay-at-home mom. From their "GoFundMe" page I gather, he had no life insurance. It's kind of a strange page, because it says that she'll have to transition from a SAHM to a single, working Mom. It's just a weird thing to write, don't you think? Reminds me of Glenn, when he used to push and push me to get a job. Why is it that people are so anxious for other people to work traditional jobs? I hate how our society doesn't value being a parent as a job. But that's me and that's about as political as I get. I'm just chattering, because I don't want to think about how much I miss you. When I walk into your mancave, I almost break down every single day. Some days I do, some days I just tear up, and other days I'm a little stronger. But still sad and heartbroken- always. I guess I have some good news. My nut doctor- remember how I just don't mesh with her? Well, I found my old Doctor's private practice and he takes my crappy insurance. So I *think* I can switch nut doctors- FINALLY. After three years of mediocrity (well two years, because he left after the first year)... I think I can have a real doctor. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch, but I feel really lucky and blessed- assuming he accepts me as a new patient. And on a totally irrelevant note- I ordered a Swatch watch (remember those- from the 80's- and it's coming tomorrow). Remember when we went to the Swatch store in Baltimore Harbor- and Mark Spitz was there, signing his new watch or something? He was a real jerk to me, remember? You were the one who recognized him, because I think I was like seven or eight years old and

Well I fell asleep on your bed/litter, as you used to call it. I was tearing up and then I just passed out, I guess. Luckily, Koi's loud laughter at this hour woke me up. So here I am- in my room, and I need to put her to sleep. It's 1:30am and she needs to get up at 7, and I need to get up at 6. I remember you used to wake up really early every morning for years and years when we moved to NC just to get Koi breakfast at the bakery. And when Koi was born, you woke up early to get me breakfast at Nation's and coffee from Starbucks (and Koi some coffee cake, although she mostly drank milk lol). You did so much to help me be a Mom. I don't think I ever really thanked you, and I just wish I could have had more time with you. I don't feel I was kind to you. Or if I was, I wasn't always kind to you. MK says that is the nature of our relationship- we're just not kind to each other. We joke around and playfully insult one another. But when I look back, I cringe at how I was with you. I should have listened more to you and I should have been more respectful and polite. I really hate myself. If you can hear me, please know I am so sorry, and I wish I had done more. As my crappy therapist says- I tried my best, but I didn't do my best. What a bunch of horseshit, right? But I did try... although I don't think I did a good job. You were so frail and vulnerable after your stroke. It was hard for me to really stop and watch, so I kept busy cleaning the BS mess around your hospital room, and doing various odds and ends at home. But I should have spent more quality time with you and I should have been more proactive in getting real, good, quality physical therapy. I'm so sorry, Dad. I have to live with those mistakes, and I will ask your forgiveness when I see you again. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Father in the Universe and I love you without measure. (That reminds me of Flash Gordon when Ming says "then fall on your sword.") I gladly would, to bring you back.

Hi, Dad. I've been thinking about you all day. It has been a hectic day. I brought pizza to Koi's class, but Koi was upset because I'm not supposed to be in her classroom, right? Autism is such a curious thing. Her teacher made her a pizza shaped cake and then she also had pizza. But she was overly anxious to go home, so she really didn't have enough time to enjoy herself. We came home and played soccer. That's about it. I joined this web site called "poshmark" and it's kind of like an upscale ebay. You are selling things and the clientele is, like, one step up from ebay customers (who always want something for nothing). At Poshmark, the customers there are actually willing to pay what your things are worth. It's great. I have sold two pair of shoes- and I am trying to sell one more. I'm really pleased with it. Let's see. I received an email from Nancy tonight. It's been ten years since she lost Ian. I feel so badly for her. She feels badly for me and I feel badly for her. We are like two peas in a pod. Didn't you used to tell me that I remind you of Nancy sometimes? I think she's a good person, but I do worry about her a lot- alone and stuff. I'm glad she has Kim, but Kim is out of town at a baseball tourney for Drew (the younger one). I met Drew at your Interment. He's a nice young man- really sweet. He held Mom's hand when she was emotional, and I thought that was really thoughtful. He is graduating high school May 14th, but we aren't going to go to the ceremony- we'll send him something, but we feel badly about not being able to travel. Kim, of course, understands... so I guess we'll just leave it at that. Kim also told me that she and Nancy are planning a trip to NC after she gets the boys settled in college. I think that would be wonderful. We were ALL supposed to go to the beach together, Dad. You were supposed to come with us. Nancy talked about visiting this year, and you were supposed to be there. I thought you were going to get better. I am so heartbroken

Hi, Dad. I'm so sleepy- I fell asleep on your bed/litter as you call it. I woke up and now I feel horrible, so I'm going to hit the sack. Koi has been waiting for me... poor thing. It's almost 2am (but we are running late tonight in general). I love and miss you so much. Nance wrote me today- it's been ten years since Ian has been gone. I wonder if you have run into him. It's still hard on Nancy, and she blames herself. She still wanted to check in with me this weekend, though- always thinking of others. Anyhow, I love you to the moon and back. I'm so sad and missing you. My heart is broken and I just don't want to cry (again) in front of Koi, so I best hit the sack. I love you infinitely. I wish so much you were here. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Boy, this weekend has been tough. No idea why- maybe the full moon, I don't know. But I saw on the ANC app that your picture (of your marker) is finally up. It looks beautiful. It's like they took the picture on the same weekend we visited you- the picture shows a bright and sunny day- but it also looks crisp and a bit chilly. In other words, it looks like the perfect day when the picture was taken. So it's official- you are a part of this Nation's history. You gave it all for this Country. I know you were never much about that false patriot mumbo-jumbo, as you'd call it. But between you and me here- I'm damn proud of you. Like Nancy, I really had no understanding of the depth of your contributions until I really read and (read again) your obit. You were so highly accomplished and yet you never bragged about it. MK is happy your final resting place is at Arlington. She told me that she thinks that deep down, you had a preference for Arlington- but you didn't think we were smart enough to get you there. Luckily our Funeral Director did all the work- and you supplied her with all of the paperwork and legwork) that you did years ago. It took you years- because I vaguely remember the red tape and endless battles with the VA. But you did it. It's a damn shame you can't enjoy the fruits of your labor. But your widow is taken care of, because of what you did for her and this Nation. And Koi and I are also taken care of, because you always made sure we were also cared for. I miss you so much, Dad. I'm posting the guardian angel tonight, because you are my guardian angel. I'm having a hard time, though. It's just been difficult lately. I don't know why, but it's really been unbearable- especially at night. You are my best friend, confidant, and best Dad in the Universe. I look at the stars in the sky and think of you. I look at the moon and think of you. You loved astronomy and science fiction. Everything about the nighttime reminds me of you. I miss your voice. I m

Hi, Dad. I had to restart my computer and it deleted/cleared out all the browsing data/cookies, so I had to log back into everything, including your wall. That's why my post doesn't have my picture, but now it has a "JO" instead of my Facebook picture. I logged in this time using my email instead of FB. I prefer FB, so I'll do that tomorrow (log in with my FB account). I know, I know, you are probably rolling your eyes thinking how stupid FB is. You're right- it's pretty stupid. I don't log on much anymore- just to see what my friends are up to, and also to private message people who need to get a hold of me- and vice versa. Anyhow, I hope you are well, whereever you are. I miss you so much. I spent a decent about of time in your room/mancave today. It's so peaceful and relaxing. I wish I could sleep there, but Koi wants me with her. You know how it is. It's okay- she's not taking up the entire bed or anything 😉 She, like Nancy's granddog, sleeps sideways in the bed. She (Nancy) dogsat all weekend since Drew had a baseball tourney at the other side of TN. Nancy dogsat Addison and he slept on the entire bed, and Nancy only got about an inch of the bed. He also wanted the fan running, because "granddog gets hot." 😉 So she froze all night. Ah the things we do for our granddogs, eh?? 😉 Anyhow, I hope you're okay about me posting all this stuff on your wall. It's public, so I try to not go into too much detail about stuff. Heather, our Funeral Director, has offered to make my posts private, so it's just you and me. I may take her up on it, but for now, I really don't see a purpose. I doubt very much anyone is reading my ramblings (of a mad woman). I miss you so much, Dad. I have been thinking about you so much lately. I don't know why- well, I know why. You're my Dad and I miss you. That's why. It's been so hard. Not as hard as it's been on you. You are the one who really suffered. But it's been hard for me to watch and to be on the sidelines- and to feel like I faile

Oh- turns out, I had to sign into FB in order to post my post. Ah- it's a conspiracy! What would Steve have said, right? I love you, Dawg. You were always so avant dawg... <3

Hi, Dad. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much not having you here. The pain that I feel is just indescribable. I feel empty and alone. I never thought living without you would be *this* unbearable- difficult, yes. But paralyzing... no, I never gave it much thought- mostly, because I was in denial. You tried to warn me and talk to me about death over and over, but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to talk about it. Now, I would give anything for a conversation with you about what to do, how to act, what I should be focusing on. I am so lost. And I hate how the last eight months of your life went. I hate how it went. That's about all I can say. I just hate it. And the last two months, I am really so sickened and disappointed in myself. I should have tried harder. Shoulda coulda woulda, as you would say. I am writing this in your mancave and Koi just ran by looking for me, I think. I better go into my room. She keeps pacing the hallway. She has Special Olympics tomorrow- and of course, she doesn't want to go. I usually show up, and she is ready to come home. I think last year, I did show up, but I let her get back on the school bus back to school- because I needed to get to the hospital. Maybe not. My memory has blocked so much heartache out. I go into your room every night- I cuddle with our bears- and sometimes I cry, and other times, I just talk to you and God. Tonight, I am crying. Although I had to stop because Koi ran by. She sees me cry so much- I just try to control myself when I can. I cried a few minutes earlier, so maybe she won't notice. I just love and miss you so much, Dad. I don't know how to cope without you. You are the best Dad in the world- a hero to me and so many. I miss you so much. I am sorry for letting you down so many times- not just with your care, but also with my life. I made so many mistakes and poor decisions- and I am so sorry for that. I keep hoping for some kind of redemption and a second chance- but I g

Hi, Dad. It's been another one of those "where did the day go" days today. TGIF my butt lol. Anyhow, I didn't sleep well b/c Koi woke up in the middle of the night with a tummy ache. Luckily she fell back asleep- and I went to your mancave and slept there. It was so peaceful, and I slept well. I think I felt comforted by your presence. I slept with Kat and Dawg Bears, all of us holding hands. I woke up to MK standing over me "what you doing here?" I explained to her, and she was like "oh well gee up." And so I did "gee" up and I went over to see Koi, who was already awake, and we cuddled, and then got up. It was "early" for us- around 10:30 maybe? That's an early morning during track out. I ran to the grocery store for MK and got my hair cut (again) and when I came home, Koi had crapped, so I saw two huge bags of crap that I needed to cart away. MK was not happy. I think that's the first time in years she's had to clean up Koi- heh heh. By the time I ran all of these errands and such, the mail came. And guess what was there? I can't even remember what it's called- but it's your affadavit of something- you know, a notice to your creditors. So then I had to drop everything and race over the the County Clerk's office (because by then it was 3:30pm and it's Friday afternoon, right?) I had all the other paperwork ready to go- and I just needed to go to Walmart and get two money orders plus give the Clerk two forms, a funeral bill that says it's paid in full, plus this affadavit of something or other with the N&O. I made it on time, despite traffic, but it was just crazy hectic. And then- then is when my day *started*. Koi wanted to go to Jump Street yet again, so we went there- for a long time, actually. We were there from 5 to almost 8! Then we came home and I walked her around the block for 6-7 times, and then we went to Brixx pizza for dinner. That was our long, boring day. Sorry you are probably rolling your eyes (internally)... because yes, it was a boring day. But

Hi, Dad. I really enjoyed "seeing" you yesterday and today. Your marker looks wonderful- bright, white marble. All of your accomplishments listed on the marble- with your most important accomplishments- beloved husband, father, and grandpa. We love and miss you so much. Mom got you some pink roses from the commissary yesterday, because the florist was closed. This morning, they were still there. So we leave around 9:45-10ish, and we run to the florist, and their selection is horrible. So MK goes back to the commissary and they "forgot" to order fresh cut flowers today, so MK gets a potted plant of daisies. We get back to your marker- and the roses are GONE. You know our family. I flipped out. I called ARN and complained! They opened up an investigation and opened up a "ticket" and will contact me. Yes, I am causing trouble over a dozen roses! I told the Operator that we did not put them in the "regulation" vases, so maybe that was the reason they were taken away so quickly? Nope- she said that should have nothing to do with it- fresh cut flowers are always welcome- and they are only removed when the flowers become "unsightly." Well, day-old roses are *not* "unsightly." So yeah- we are already making friends... quick. I'm sure the groundskeepers will get in trouble for tossing your roses and I pray they don't piss on your grave (that is something you would totally say, and if they do- I am sorry- I just hope there is surveillance or something). Oh- and so good thing MK got the potted plants (which are allowed ten days before and ten days after Easter- but we put them in the regulation vase, so they should be allowed to stay for awhile, don't you think? We needed some dirt and stuff, so let's just say we "took a ride" and I found some dirt and "filler" (purple, small flowers) to go with the potted daisies (since we no longer had the roses). What an ordeal! But you are looking good. I read some of the days (two or three) that I've written to you- on this wall here. I t

I can't believe it's taken this long to get Koi in bed- but it has. Usually she wants to get out of the tub right away, but not tonight (of course). I am so sleepy. Sleepyyyyyy. (Poppies....) I'm going to hit the sack and I will write more tomorrow. It was nice visiting you at Arlington, Dad. I'm so very proud of you and all of your accomplishments. If I can accomplish half as much, I would be a massive success in life. You have sacrificed so much for not just your family, but for our country. You never talked about it, and I regret not acknowledging you more for all of your experiences and teachings. It's made me who I am. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Dad in the Universe, my Hindmost. I love you so much. I don't think the hole in my heart will ever mend. But I hope I can find a way to connect with you so I do not feel so alone. Maybe you can help me think of a way. Anyhow, I'm going to hit the sack, and I will check in tomorrow. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3

Morning, Dad. I think it's a sunny day today in Arlington. It's sunny here in NC, too. It's morning/late morning/early afternoon. I'm finally caught up on sleep and I feel good. I wanted to say "good morning" to you and I hope all is well. Bob McFadden emailed me and said another one of your friends, Steve Gentes, did not know you passed- and you know what I mean- he's a friend, so he cares. I know you don't think people really and truly care about you- but I am 100% certain they do. I'm your #1 fan (obviously), but you have a whole bunch of friends out there who care about you. People, in their emails to me, come from their hearts. The things they say about you- they speak with such love and admiration, and it's genuine. Anyhow, I wanted to say g'day mate to ya, and I will check in again a bit later, ok? I love you to the moon and back.... love, G Kat <3

I can't believe it's already nighttime, Dad. Where did the day go? It's 1:38am and I need to go to sleep- I'm about to pass out here 🙁 I'm so sorry for not checking in earlier today. I had a lot of silly errands to run, which included a lot of returns, and yes- I actually found screws that FIT the garage lantern lights! They aren't antique colored, they're silver... but they fit and it's "good enough for Government work." It'll do, right? The house is looking pretty decent. The daisies are still there (knock on wood). It's only day #2 since I planted them, but I'll take it. I keep dozing off as I type this, so I'm afraid I'll just have to continue this tomorrow- I promise! Tonight/today is Koi's birthday. I'm quite sad, so I'm thankful my evening meds have kicked in and made me drowsy. I wish you were here to see Koi turn twelve. I miss you so much, Dad. MK does, too. We aren't the same without you- our Fearless Leader. You are my Everything, and I feel so lost without you. I feel terrible for acting so naive when you were sick. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. You looked at me with such hope in your eyes, and I genuinely thought things were working. I'm sorry if I sold you some fake optimism. I know you've always been a realist, but I honestly felt optimistic, because the doctors never stopped working on you. They did deny you therapy, but they never not did a procedure or whatever, because they knew how badly we needed you. I'm just so sorry if I did anything to lead you on in a false way. It 100% wasn't intentional. I really hate myself for it. But I won't end on such a negative note. I will say that we are trying to get through each day. It's not easy, but each day comes and goes, whether we want it to or not. I love you to the moon and back. I feel so sad without you in my life, Dad. I miss you so much. I will write tomorrow. I have to wake up early for a "meeting" (last tattoo session) for that Dawg/Dragon. It'll be a short session, but I need to wak

Hi, Dad. Didn't I say I was going to check in with you earlier today? Sorry- I don't know what happened to the day. Actually, didn't I say I was going to check in with you later in the day *yesterday*?? Yikes. I don't know where the days go. The days fly by but time is stands still. It just ticks. I miss you so much. I'll be rushing around all day and trying to keep my mind busy, and then I'll have that moment- everything will just hit me- the pain of loss. It's unbearable and I'm not coping very well. The feelings of guilt are immeasurable. I keep thinking about your last breaths- and how I didn't do more to save you. Why didn't I call the paramedics sooner? I was stunned, and those moments were almost in slow motion. I have these flashbacks, and I have to preoccupy my mind with stupid stuff, so I don't think about it. I can't think about it. Today was Koi's twelvth birthday. All I could think about was the fact that you're not here. Her day was good. I picked up a cake for her. I took her to that trampoline place I used to take her to- back when you were home, and I would leave you with MK for just a couple (a few) hours, while I took Koi to the trampoline place and the mall (while she was tracked out- I wish she wasn't tracked out then). I have such guilt about leaving for those hours, too. But you understood. Sort of. I think a part of you would forget that I had to keep her entertained. You would call or text me- something you retaught yourself with NO help- from anyone. And I would text or call back and tell you I was on my way home. It would take me awhile, but I am hoping MK told you I was on my way. I have so little faith in her- to do anything for anyone besides herself. I know she laid on that couch in the next room and watched her garbage on YouTube. I hope she talked to you. I hope she spent some time with you. I don't want to think about that, either. So after the trampoline place, we came home. I picked up a package and returned it to Fed Ex, which w

She's finally in bed. Finally. I can't believe it. She was literally snoring in the tub. I was just standing there, over her- trying to get her up. Anyhow, I got her up, got her out, dried her, her hair (somewhat), and put her PJ's on, and put her to bed. I hope she sleeps. Usually after all of that, she's wide awake, right? It's almost 2:30, and I better hit the sack. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you so much. I doubled up on my meds tonight, because I am just so sad and thinking about you. I miss you- so much. I can't say it enough. I miss your toothless grin, your devilish sense of humor, your voice- everything about you. I would give anything to bring you back. You're right- I do miss you. You used to say I'd miss you, every time we'd tease each other. Well- you are right. I do miss you. It's unbearable. All I can do is pray for sleep and hope tomorrow will bring more preoccupation until the nighttime. I love you so much, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I just miss you so much. I love you- and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm lighting a candle tonight- blue, your favorite color. Koi is actually in bed and it's only 1am. That's good for us! We did the exact same day today- woke up, breakfast, laundry, fries, Jumpstreet, home (walked around the block seven or eight times- pushing Koi in her stroller- it's her new "thing"), and then back out for pizza at Brixx (except this time, she ordered extra pepperoni on her pizza). It's like we live the same like, the same day- day after day. Like Groundhog Day, right? It's ok, I don't mind. How are you doing? I have to admit, a part of me has been really pessimistic and I would give anything to know your spirit is alive and well. I pray you are somewhere watching over us all. I don't want to think about all the mistakes, all the regrets I have, regarding your care, not right now. Not tonight. I want to try to sleep, because when you're asleep, you don't have to think about your life and all the mistakes you made with it. My biggest mistakes are regrets for not coming at every single setback you had with a vengeance and 100% seriousness. I was too lax about it, and the more I think about Twersky, the more I want to smack him upside the head. I hate him. Karma is a bitch and he will get his someday. I was thinking about our meeting with him, and he is the one who denied you back into the CLC (rehab facility) after you caught some bullsh** virus. He claimed that was the reason but then he confessed it was more because he didn't think you were a "candidate" for PT. He hasn't heard the last from me. He is disgusting and he's got to own his decision to cut therapy out of your medical plan. Anyhow, didn't I say I was going to shut up about this today? At least one night, ok? I love you so much, Dad. I miss you so much, and it just hurts each and every day. I looked through all of our pictures with your Marker today. They are looking mighty fine. I also noticed there was a "Jesus-type" light ooozing out from many of the pictures I took of your m

Morning, Dad. I'm sitting in the green chair I used to sit in when you were home. On the last day you were here, you asked me what I was eating, and I replied "candy- want some?" and you said, "nah." I felt really sad because you loved candy so much but lost your taste for it all. Anyhow, I always sit in this green chair in the morning and have my morning coffee. I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you, because you are the first person I think about in the morning- always. I love you so much, and my heart hurts because I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. I'll check ini with you a bit later. I have a feeling we'll be doing the exact same thing today that we've been doing since Wednesday. I love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

p.s. I updated our devices to 11.3.1 today- or was it yesterday? The days blend together, but I updated everything as soon as the updates came out- all three iphones, both ipads and MK's ipod. The small ipod can't be updated, but you know that. I think the last system you really cared about was 9 or 10? Do you remember? You lost interest in the nuts and bolts behind it, to focus on more important things, like your health. But you did teach yourself how to text, read, and write all on your own again. You never told anyone- anything. You are such a proud person. I have so much love, adoration, and respect for you. I wish I had the chance to tell you. I think you are amazing, and I miss you so much. I'm in so much pain tonight because I am missing you. But I need to get Koi to sleep, so I have to sign off. Until tomorrow, Dearest Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

Update- Koi is finally in bed- hooray. Now, she just needs to sleep! Anyhow, I wanted to say good night, and I love you infinitely. I just laid down in your mancave bed. It's so cozy. I know there's not a lot of room to actually turn or anything. You never liked it, and I don't blame you. But compared to sleeping in a twin bed with Koi on top of you- I'll take your mancave twin bed anyday. I miss you so much, Dad. I love going into your room, because I somehow feel your presence. My life will never be the same w/o you in it- but I can try to recreate things that remind me of you and help me get through what's left of my life by clinging onto the memories I have of you and our lives together. MK says it makes sense I would be so sad, because you have been with me my entire life. You both have been with me. We were a close knit family. I'll never forget the time when we just took a drive to Rehoboth Beach and stayed the night. That was a blast. We didn't pack a thing, but we just decided to stay the night. You called your work the next day from the beach from a pay phone (remember those?) and they were actually like "good for you! Enjoy yourself!" Right then I knew your work ethic was strong- and you never missed a day of work. You more than provided for our family. I don't know if I ever thanked you. I don't think I did. But I am eternally grateful for everything you've done for me and with me throughout my life. Koi wants a Sprite, so I best just get it for her and try to get some sleep. I love you so much, Dad. I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok? Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Guess where we are again? Koi is in the tub, snoozing (well, not sleeping, but very sleepy), and here I am, watching her- and getting ready to pull her out. Today was one of the most unproductive days I've had in a long time. I slept in (but I still felt sleepy), and we did nothing all day. Finally, I took her out for fries, played "water da yard" and then I walked around the block with her around seven or eight times- I lost count. By then it was close to midnight! She did her business (thank goodness) and here I am- waiting for her to come out. Such an unproductive day. This track-out has been hard. Spring is always hard, because the weather is nice, but things aren't open yet. I guess amusement parks are now open on the weekends, but in a way, Koi has outgrown them. Don't get me wrong- she still loves them- but I don't know if it's worth the time and money to spend the day driving just to ride a few rides (I'm thinking Kings Dominion- when we were going to Arlington, I saw their sign saying they were now open). Anyhow, I dunno. I still want to try to take her to Disney one more time- what a disaster that trip was, eh? I felt so bad having to leave early. She loved it, even though it really sucked. There were so few rides she could ride- and then I caught strep throat. Ugh! And you had no wifi. Like you told the conceirge "even Motel Six has free wifi!" You always make me laugh, Dad. You have enough stories to keep me laughing for the rest of my life. I'm so grateful for you. I am so much better of a person because of you. Well, Koi is snoring, so I will continue this is a few, ok? I love and miss you so much. xoxo G Kat <3

I'm baaack. Koi was literally sleeping in the tub. Now, she is jumping on the bed. I can't win. But I suppose I should go and join her shortly. I'm just hanging out in your mancave, enjoying your aura... if that's what you call it. I'm laying on your daybed with Kat and Dawg Bears. They are holding hands, and I usually lay down with them and cuddle them, too. I'll hit the sack shortly, but I wanted to just check in with you again and let you know how much I love you. I'm sorry for all the things I didn't do when you were ill. I wasn't always nice to you. Even before you became ill, I wasn't nice to you. I was a real turd, and I'm so incredibly sorry. I get so frustrated and have such a short fuse. That is no excuse, but I am so very sorry I wasn't always kind to you. You used to try to explain things to me regarding the Mac. I tried to listen, but I swear I have ADD and a lot of it was forgotten. I did, however, save all of your emails. But it's too painful to go through right now. I'm in a catch 22, but I know computer help is there if I am able to go through the emails. All of your emails were chock full of rich information and help. Even Bob McFadden called you "Uncle Rick" and he remembered how you helped him late at night with his own Mac. You were so loved, Dad. You still are so loved. I wish you knew all of this while you were still here. I didn't know they had been trying to find you and get in touch with you. You truly made an impact on these guys' lives- and I'm just so proud and honored to have had you in my life. It's so hard not having you here. Even if I wasn't nice- you know I loved you more than anything. I would gladly lay down my life if it would bring you back. I think your life is much more significant and accomplished. You were a walking hero- and your passing is such a huge loss to so many. I'd give anything to bring you back. I love you to the moon and back. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you so much. I'm going to try and sleep even though Ko

It's 4am, Dad. I am so exhausted. Today was the day that never ended. Granted, I overslept. But it was just a day that went on- and on- and on. There was lots of rain involved and changing of Koi's clothes, a huge meltdown, going to Jumpstreet, getting pizza, getting Outback fries earlier in the day, plus me going to Walmart for water and coffee. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but when you put Koi in the mix, sometimes it just takes a long time. Plus, I walked around the block three times in the Tornado- and Koi loved it until I started whimpering. The wind almost blew my umbrella away and I had had it. Anyhow, it's 4am, and she is finally out of the tub. I have to sleep. I must sleep! I'm sorry, but I'll just have to write you in the morning, if that's ok. I asked MK not to let us sleep in too late, because we end up getting in cycles like this. These are your hours lol! I know you were always up early, but then liked to doze for an hour or two in the late morning. But you used to always wake up early and go to the bakery for Koi. You did it all, like you said- and you did. I miss you so very much. Again, it hit me when I was walking with Koi around the block. It hit me that you are gone, and it's hard to come back from that when something so profound hits you like a ton of bricks. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back- and I promise- I will write when I wake up. I must lay down. I love you to the moon and back. Koi is starting to jump on the bed, so I have to preempt (or just stop it, rather). I love and miss you infinitely. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well, it's only 2:30am now- not 4am like it was yesterday. We're improving, eh? Although Koi is still in the tub- and I am really trying to get her to come out. She's not listening to me. Anyhow, I am tired but okay. I subscribe to a blog (through Renaissance Funeral Home) and there was one post the other day that did not resonate with me. It was something to the extent of "moving on" and it said "the choice is yours- you can choose to live in misery for the rest of your life or you can choose to life your life full of hope and positivity." Something like that. Well, it kind of irritated me, because honestly that is one person's perspective- and that person just happens to be more positive than I am. But that doesn't mean that my perspective, personality, or outlook on life is invalid. Sure, I'm not a positive person, but that doesn't mean I don't matter in life, right? Anyhow, I wish I could just "move on" and shrug my shoulders and "choose" to live my life in positivity. But I can't. It's the way I am and I will be miserable and depressed until the day I see you again. That's just the way it is. I miss you so much, and there isn't a minute that goes by where I am incredulous that you're no longer here. It's almost surreal to me. I can't believe it. When I walk into MK's closet and see your jeans, I keep thinking you're going to put them on next winter. When I see your sweatshirts handing in her closet, all laundered and covered in plastic... I remember so well when you used to wear those sweatshirts. I asked MK to please not throw away any of your clothes. I'm so stupid. I probably not put the idea in her head. I don't think it dawned on her to toss anything in that wreck of a closet. But now I'm sure she thinks if she tosses out your stuff it'll miraculously become clean. Nevermind the thousands of scarfs and hankies and washcloths she has all folded and put in tupperware in there. I told her, jokingly that "Dad used to tell you that you have the very fi

Part II- it's not 3:30am. Not yet 4am, so I'm still ahead of myself. MK just walked by (I'm in your mancave just saying good night to you and unwinding while Koi jumps on my bed) and MK says "is a Koi still up?" why, yes- yes she is MK- she is still up. She usually jumps on the bed after she gets out of the tub until I go int and attempt to calm her down. Which I will. But I need to calm myself down first. So here I go. I just wanted to say that I love you more than life itself. I would do anything to bring you back. And I am so deeply sorry for not doing more- not caring more (I did care, but I mean- I am sorry for not proactively doing things and taking action to show you I cared), and I am sorry for not making real, tangible plans in order to improve your health. I feel that being at the VA aged you and put you in worse health. We should have pulled you out. But we were scared, and we didn't know what to do. At least at the VA we thought you would be monitored and watched and taken care of. That was our rationale- because we didn't have a medical background- and they did (theoretically). I thought if anything went wrong, they would do anything in their power to bring you back and make you better. Looking back, I should have pulled you out and put you in an outpatient type of therapy program. Oh gee- but there was none available. I actually called UNC and get this- you were either too sick or not sick enough for their programs. You either had to be immediately post-stroke, or you had to be well enough to get yourself there and be more active with therapy. It's all a crock of SH** and if you only know what a scam it all was. You'd be as angry as I am. But I digress. I look forward to the day when they get theirs. Maybe it won't be us who delivers their "come uppins" but it'll be someone. I'm going to get into bed b/c I'm fading. But I wanted to tell you that I miss you so much- I cry for your every day and night. I wish you were here. You would say "there there, it

Hi, Dad. Tonight is the worst night ever. It's 4:30am. I may as well stay up and get ready for the next day. Koi is still in the tub (!) but she is coming out right.... menow. So I'll continue this in a second. I notice she doesn't like it when I type, so I purposely started typing so she'd come out of the tub 😉 I'm not really smarter than Koi, but occasionally I can outsmart her. Occasionally. Okay, TBC...

Hi, Dad. I sure need all the prayer I can get tonight! I had to pull Koi out of the tub super quick, if you can guess why. So it is looking like she'll need another bath- and then bed. But it's 12:30 right now 🙁 More in a sec. Oh- and she has cramps, too. And MK is angry with me b/c of course all of this is related to swimming (it's not). Poor Koi- cramps plus sh** cramps. I don't think we'll be swimming tomorrow, but I can't break it to her. Sigh. Anyhow, I am going to clean her up again and maybe give her another quick bath. I'll finish this note in a bit, ok? I'm sorry yet again, it's super short. At this time of night, it's just hard to get all of this done. Please say a prayer for me- that Koi is okay and will be able to go to school tomorrow plus MK will not yell at me. She literally lays on the couch or in bed starting around 5pm and just gripes and yells at me. I think her knee is really bothering her. Anyhow, more later, ok? I can't believe how late it is. I miss you so much, Dad. I know you would be here with me, helping me out. I miss you so much. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm just cuddling these two bears of ours- Dawg and Kat Bear. They have magnetic paws so they can hold hands and hug each other. They come from the same factory in Germany that Fritz came from, can you believe it? I found them at Marshall's, of all places! It was meant to be... must be. I'm in your mancave, and Koi is right outside in the hallway/sitting room. She is sitting in a chair that is right next to your hospital bed. Even though the hospital bed is deflated, sometimes Koi will climb into the bed. Not often, just occasionally. There is still your indention when you last were there- or here, rather. I miss you so much. Everyone says grieving takes awhile. As if it's something you go through- and get over. But I'll never get over you. And I won't ever be able to live my life with ay kind of joy. Yikes. I just fell asleep sitting up. Oops. I think it's the meds. Plus, I started yet another medication for my depression (it's called wellbutrin- it's supposed to help you stop smoking, but I don't smoke. Lol). Anyhow, day #1 and I have a screaming headache, too. Hopefully it'll iron itself out over the weekend. If not, then I'll have to stop taking it and try something else. Ah I hate the trial and error of new meds. I know you took a lot of meds- I know it seemed like I never paid any attention to you, but I did. I just didn't want to talk about it, because I wanted to pretend that all was well and you weren't sick. The truth is sometimes too painful, you know? Koi is on my lap and it's after midnight. I love how we are hanging out in your room. It makes me feel a connection to you. I'm going to cut this short yet again and just say g'nite and write you again tomorrow. I promise, ok? I'm ust so drowsy right now. At least it's Friday tomorrow, thank God. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You mean everything to me. I love you so much. I miss you terribly. And you are always i my heart. I love you infinitely. You are the best Dad in the Universe, Dawg

Hi, Dad. Well. I made it through the day and through the week. Koi is in bed (not asleep but in bed) and it's only midnight. I started taking a new medicine to help with my depression and no headache today- yay. I do feel kind of sick still, though. I haven't had much of an appetite, plus I'm a little nauseous and dizzy. I'm just going to power through it and see where I am on Monday or Tuesday. I know there is an acclimation period with any new medication, so I'll stick with it. I hope it helps. So far, not so much. I am still incredibly sad and missing you. I don't think a pill is going to cure that. I miss you more and more as each day passes. It doesn't get easier- it gets harder, in fact. I think about you constantly. I really took you for granted in my life. I wasn't always kind to you. I know that's the way we were in our family, but still- I should have been nicer and kinder. I hope you knew how much I really cared for you- still care for you. I knew you were sick, but I just didn't want to think about it. It's not like I wasn't listening to you, even though it seems like I wasn't. Well tomorrow the pool opens. Instead of having good memories, I think of last year. I would take Koi- and I would get a call from you at the VA. I would tell you I was on my way. But I had to stay with Koi for a couple of hours at the pool, too. I needed to be two places at once, but I couldn't. Did MK help? Nope. Of course not. She made me feel guilty. I don't know- I guess she helped by watching Koi. That was a tremendous help. She negates her kindness with her being mean. I hated how she wouldn't let me leave for the VA at night until I gave Koi a bath. If only she would have given Koi a bath for me- I could have been at the VA 8pm instead of 11pm. I basically showed up just in time to fall asleep on the recliner... and you were basically asleep, too. You would wake up when I walked in, and I would hold your hand, and turn on the t.v. and watch TLC (something good, something

Good morning, Dad. I'm having "that first sip" of coffee and thinking of you. Remember how you used to go to Starbucks in Moraga, CA and get us four large cups of coffee, coffee cakes, etc.- and then you'd go to Nation's and get a three egg breakfast for me? And when we moved to NC, you went to the bakery every morning to get Koi her croissant/cookie breakfast (and often stuff for us, too- like pumpkin bread)??? I knew (at the time) you did so much. I don't know if I ever *really* thanked you- for helping me get through such difficult times with Koi. She never slept- she still tosses and turns all night. You did so much for me. I'm reminded of it every morning when I wake up and there is nothing around. Koi lost her taste for the bakery- kind of like you did... she got really sick (but with a flu) last winter- and now she doesn't really want croissants anymore. She eats Goldfish and popcorn. And I usually go to Harris Teeter and order a sheet cake that'll last about a week, and we cut that up into tiny pieces and have that for breakfast. Koi also has a piece of that with us. Anyhow, it's a cloudy morning, so I thought I'd send you some sunshine, peeking through the clouds. The pool opens today- and of course I don't want to go and freeze myself. But I have to- because you know Koi! I love you to the moon and back. I better get back to this coffee and make sure I am awake for the day. I will try my best just to get through the day- but it is hard without you in my life. I miss you. I love you so much. <3 G Kat p.s. you are an amazing human being. One of a kind. It's heck one doesn't really realize how truly amazing and special and wonderful someone is- until often they're not around any more. I always thought you were great, though. Even when I acted annoyed with the Mac stuff. Gosh, I'd give anything for a Mac update now. You were 100% right, as usual. I miss you immensely. I love you so much <3

Hi Dad. Well it's many hours later and my day has come to an end. I made it- through another day. I took Koi swimming b/c the pool opened today. It was freezing and raining, and I really couldn't swim with her. But she was great on her own! She jumped and swam and went down that slide- all by herself. I really have you to thank for buying a house with such a great community pool. Tank you. She loved it. But we both got a little sunburned (??!!) How does that happen? Oh yeah- those pesky UV rays, eh? Koi still swam even though it was raining- and the pool water was freezing. How does she do it? It's nice to be young. BTW- switching topics. When I went to my Shrink, he told me that air hunger can be quite painful. I really hope you did not suffer too badly during the last weeks of your life. I didn't dope you up with morphine, because that wasn't who you were. You didn't want to be doped up- ever. During that last week, the Attending Physician told me that morphine is what they prescribe for air hunger because it relaxes you and helps you breathe. I don't morphine "helps" you breathe, but it relaxes you- because sometimes tensing up makes the process (of breathing) that much more difficult if you are tensing up. The first time I gave you the morphine, I gave you too much (1/2 tablet) and that's why we went to the ER. They gave you that stuff that reverses it- and you said you felt fine. You came home and I skipped morphine the following day. But that Saturday- the day you passed- I gave you 1/4 tablet. It didn't seem to affect you at all- unlike the 1/2 tablet I gave you two days ago. I'm just sorry if there is anything I did that day that was wrong. I know 1/4 tablet of morphine wouldn't have put you in cardiac arrest. But I feel like you were prescribed so many medicines and with zero guidance on how to administer them. I just hope and pray I did the right thing. If I didn't, I am asking so much for your forgiveness. But your cardiologist believes you passed from a

Thank you for the sunshine today, Dad. I know you had something to do with it, because clouds and rain were predicted for the entire day. It ended up being a gorgeous sunny day and just perfect for the pool. Beginning in the season- when it's sunny and not as crowded- these are the times that remind me of you. You would often come with me and Koi- or just meet up with us for a little bit. I'm sorry I never shared Koi's chips or pizza with you. I mean, I did a few times, but the majority of times I refused to let you have any. I'm really sorry. Koi used to be so much less flexible when it came to anyone touching a piece of her pizza. She couldn't handle the missing piece. That's autism for you. You understood. I think we used to bring you an extra bag of chips- and a coke. But you grew tired of that- I don't blame you! You even went down the water slide a few times. But for the most part, you just loved watching Koi love the water- and you were so glad we moved here. It's times like these when I am grateful we are here in NC. But now that you are in Arlington- you know my goal is to get closer to you. I know you will be patient and wait for us. I appreciate it so much. You know with Koi it becomes a little more complex when it comes to moving. The last time I just picked up and moved, it was a complete disaster and almost (almost) ruined my life (if it wasn't for you saving it). Since I no longer have that safety net- of your love- I cannot make any more mistakes when it comes to moving. But we will move. And it will be so close to you- so I can visit you every day. And I will. I hate how we are so far away right now, but it's temporary. I don't know how I'm going to make it for Father's Day- but you know I am going to try. I was thinking about doing the drive in one day, but MK won't let me. We'll see. Because I'm perfectly capable of doing it in one day- and if it means I at least get to see you and visit with you for a few hours, then it's completely worth it. Thi

Hi, Dad. I sure could use a hug today. Today was just one of those days where you fee like you never got out of bed. Koi's IEP went well (knock on wood) and the Principal is supporting the Teacher in her application to get Koi a 1:1. We're all just tired from waking up super early for that meeting, ya know? Plus, it was sunny and gorgeous- a perfect day for the pool. As soon as Koi got home- it thundered. Talk about Raper's luck, right? So Koi and I waited in the car for an hour- and then the pump at the pool broke, so that delayed the pool opening for another hour. At that point it's 6pm and the pool is open. Koi swam for an hour- and then, right when she jumped in and swam 1/2 length of the pool, there was lightening. And when there is lightening, you have to quickly clear the deck. Let's just say Koi wasn't happy one bit. She came home upset and of course that set off MK, who was cranky from waking up early. So this evening has been a complete POS with MK throwing tantrum after tantrum, Koi being cranky, hungry tired, and me- just trying to hang in there until tomorrow. I'm going to not write much tonight b/c I'm so tired. I fell asleep in your man cave sitting up trying to write this. So then I tried to stand up but I heard Koi down the hall carrying on and on- and on. The kid never sleeps and has an inordinate amount of energy. So I need to be close to her in order to tell her to be quiet. If MK wakes up- I don't even want to think about what will happen if Koi laughing wakes up MK. It's sometimes such a challenge to live here. Koi has her issues and then MK has hers. And living with MK is like constantly walking on eggshells. I think that's why I always end up with people who are like her- because it's so normal for me. But it's toxic- and I hate it. It just makes me miss you all the more. I wish so much you were here. I would give anything. Do you remember Angie? She is the one with five boys who used to work at Target and her son was in preK with Koi? We wen

Hi, Dad. I sure could use a hug today. Today was just one of those days where you fee like you never got out of bed. Koi's IEP went well (knock on wood) and the Principal is supporting the Teacher in her application to get Koi a 1:1. We're all just tired from waking up super early for that meeting, ya know? Plus, it was sunny and gorgeous- a perfect day for the pool. As soon as Koi got home- it thundered. Talk about Raper's luck, right? So Koi and I waited in the car for an hour- and then the pump at the pool broke, so that delayed the pool opening for another hour. At that point it's 6pm and the pool is open. Koi swam for an hour- and then, right when she jumped in and swam 1/2 length of the pool, there was lightening. And when there is lightening, you have to quickly clear the deck. Let's just say Koi wasn't happy one bit. She came home upset and of course that set off MK, who was cranky from waking up early. So this evening has been a complete POS with MK throwing tantrum after tantrum, Koi being cranky, hungry tired, and me- just trying to hang in there until tomorrow. I'm going to not write much tonight b/c I'm so tired. I fell asleep in your man cave sitting up trying to write this. So then I tried to stand up but I heard Koi down the hall carrying on and on- and on. The kid never sleeps and has an inordinate amount of energy. So I need to be close to her in order to tell her to be quiet. If MK wakes up- I don't even want to think about what will happen if Koi laughing wakes up MK. It's sometimes such a challenge to live here. Koi has her issues and then MK has hers. And living with MK is like constantly walking on eggshells. I think that's why I always end up with people who are like her- because it's so normal for me. But it's toxic- and I hate it. It just makes me miss you all the more. I wish so much you were here. I would give anything. Do you remember Angie? She is the one with five boys who used to work at Target and her son was in preK with Koi? We wen

Hi, Dad. It's me again (Jen). I'm so tired, my apologies. I'm afraid this note may end up being short, because I am falling asleep s i write them. . It's 1am, and I took Koi swimming at 4 and when we left around 7:30ish. I think that's respectable, don't you? It was supposed to thunder- but it didn't. So I consider today a very lucky and blessed day. I promise I will write tomorrow, but I keep falling asleep trying to write just a bit, and it's not working. I'm sitting on your man cave bed, and its hard to think of a coherent sentence. Even Koi was falling asleep in the tub (I was there so don't worry!) I love you to the moon and back, Dawg. I miss you so much. It's just hard. I think about you night and day- even when I'm half asleep. I feel lost and w/o you, Dawg. Okay, I'm going to turn in- and I will write tomorrow, ok? I guess being out in the sun for a couple of hours really does a number on your brain, doesn't it? Those pesky UV rays, right? I love you so much, Dawg. Until tomorrow.... xoxo G Kat <3

Well. Koi is finally out of the tub and in bed. Wahoo. I swear some nights it's really hard. Other nights- easy as pie. It just depends on whether she wants to come out. If she doesn't- then it's really hard to get her out. But you know that. I've started calling Koi "Koisy" because you used to call her "Koisy Woisy" and I loved it. She responds to me when I call her with her new/old pet name. It's sweet and reminds me of you at the same time. I'm already getting drowsy from my pm meds, so I guess I should hit the sack. I think I hear Koi calling me, which always stinks b/c I have to race to her room and see what she needs b/f MK wakes up. I like to take my time while I'm in your room b/c is't such a coveted, precious time. I sit or lay on your bed, cuddle our "Dawg and Kat" Bears from Germany, sometimes I pray, and I always say good night to you- and I love you, of course. You know I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. Every day is so painful w/o you in it. Right now, life is unbearable. I keep trying just to get through one day at a time. But right now it's unbearable. I hope you are somewhere, pain free, happy, able to connect with us in some way. Looking down on us. I hope and pray. I love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3

Well. All's well that "ends" well, knock on wood. Koi had a craplosion, but luckily I got her off the bed and sitting on a towel. So even though it leaked everywhere, it only leaked onto the towel, which is now in a dumpster. 😉 Remember when she had an explosion on the green chair, while she was sitting on my lap? The first thing you said was "I'm not sitting in that chair- anymore!" You were always so funny, even in the worst of times- you always brought a smile to my face- and everyone else's, too. I miss you so much. I ran into some older people at the pool today and I had to mention we lost you last year. I didn't have to mention it, but I did- and they were so heartbroken. You could tell by the looks on their faces. They were concerned about MK and how she's doing. Everyone is concerned about MK and she actually is the strongest out of all of us, don't you think? I don't know. I shouldn't act so self-absorbed. But I asked MK the other day- was it today- or yesterday... whether or not she missed you terribly. She responded "when you are married for 53 years, I don't view him as gone. To me, he is still here. There is so much about him that is still here, and I don't feel like he isn't here anymore." Well, I do- but that's how she sees things. I'm glad she can focus on all the good about you. I am still working on it. I don't think I will ever get over you (not to imply MK is over you- she is just processing grief so differently than I am). Did I tell you I started a new Med for my depression- so fingers crossed she is doing okay. She tends to bottle up all of her emotions, and then it comes out in the form of anger, wouldn't you think (is an understatement). Well, it is now 1:22- about an hour and a half since she was feeling so sick. She seems okay now, knock on wood. I hope she can make it tomorrow to school. And I hope I can get some seep... menow! Love, G Kat <3 I miss you infinitely- and I love you to the moon and back <3 <3 <3

Hi, Dad. I just read on my ANC app that they are currently placing American flags on each and every tombstone at Arlington Nat'l cemetery. Pretty cool, eh? I wish so much I lived closer, so I could take a picture of your flag. I also wish Mom and I could take a trip up to see your headmarker flag. I think it would look so cool and have such meaning. You sacrificed so much, even the VA recognizes what all you sacrificed (and who you sacrificed for- this Country). I hate how we live over four hours away. I read on the app that it is expected that over 135,000 people will be visiting you this weekend. Wow, that's a big crowd. You won't be alone, that's for sure. But I so wish your family (us) could be there. It's just hard with Koi. MK says that you understand how it is with Koi. And I know you do. But I want to come and see you the first chance I get. As soon as possible. I miss you so much, and I feel a connection with you when I visit you at Arlington. I can't tell you how painful it's been, just missing you and wishing I could have done things differently. As you would say "shoulda coulda woulda." MK did get me a pair of white sandals today-; they look awesome. They're Doc Martens- my favorite brand in the whole world. MK loved them so much she actually wants me to get another pair. So I'm looking for a good deal on a black pair. I also am looking on ebay (for a new pair) of pink ones. I'm definitely going to be all set. I keep dozing off yet again. And each night, I promise that I'll write you in the morning and yet I don't. But I promise I will tomorrow- because hey it's Friday and I want to let you know what I've been up to (nothing really) and just catch up with you. I keep dozing off- or nodding out (with my nighttime Meds).... I love you so much- and I miss you so much. I'm sorry this is yet another short note. I think about you all day, everyday. And when it comes time to write you, I'm just wiped out after giving Koi a bath. You know how it is. You were a

Hi, Dad. This has been a difficult week, sleepwise and timewise (budgeting time), because the pool opened, and of course, Koi wants to go swimming every day after school. It's almost 2am and I'm still up. I promised you a worthy email/note today, and here I am at 2am, with nada! I promise to write when I wake up. Koi is waiting for me impatiently, in bed. I don't know why she's being so needy, but my guess is that she's just cranky. She hasn't had a good night's sleep all week. It's the beer-drinking crowd this weekend at the pool. Yay. I wish so much I could get in the car and drive up to ANC to see you. Of course, I can't- not with Koi. MK says that you understand. But I am coming up soon. At some point soon- I promise. You are expecting over 135,000 visitors this weekend, so you will be very busy this weekend. Koi has become so rigid as she is getting older... I don't think the trip would be a good one anyways. So we'll just stay here for the weekend, and I will drive up soon. I want to come on Father's Day, but I haven't received a commitment from MK. I was going to do it in one day, but MK thinks I need to stay overnight and rest before driving home. So I guess I will. For ow. We'll figure something out. Again, I'm really blown away by your jester earlier this week. We are baffled by it and MK thinks it's some kind of well- hopefully you can read my mind about that. All I know is that she is very happy- and MK is never happy, right? Speaking of happy, the wellbutrin isn't working. Sucks, eh? It's all a crock of crap. I hope you are reading my mind right now, but I do hope that was from you and we are enjoying it very much. I love you to the moon and back- not because of that- but because you are the best Dad in the Universe. I miss you so much every day. You trusted me 100% to keep you alive and well, and I let you down. I will have to bear that cross until the day I join you. I am incredibly sorry. It was not intentional. I believed everything I was telling yo

Hi, Dad. It's me again. Finally I slept in today- but I didn't get a chance to write you in the morning, like I promise. I'm sorry 🙁 I slept in, and then it just took me forever to get going for the day. I had a mountain of laundry to put away and then make my bed (which is a task in and of itself b/c my room is so cluttered- like a scene from "Hoarders" as you used to say) 🙂 Anyhow, once I did all that, I realized that Koi wanted some pizza. So I drove over the Brixx pizza over by the new shopping center off Hwy 55 and got her (and me and MK) some pizza and (me and MK) some spinach and artichoke dip. When I got home- MK told me it was supposed to storm at 3pm. It was 2pm when I got home. So, plan B was to get to the pool asap with food in tow, and it ended up being a good call. Koi got her pizza and also got to swim about three times before the big storm hit. There was a small storm (more like rolling thunder) around 3ish and they did close the pool for 1/2 hour. But Koi still was able to swim quite a bit. Then around 4:30 it stormed really big- you would have loved it- thunder, wind, streaks of lightening- the works. Koi wanted to wait it out. With lightening, they throw us out of the pool b/c they have to clear the pool deck. So we waited in the car for God only knows how long- I fell asleep, actually. They opened the pool back up around 6pm, and we were able to stay there until 8 (when the pool closes). I was so tired, even though I did nothing. So anyhow, we waited in the car and then we went back outside and Koi did get some more swim time. I was too cold at that point, having fallen asleep in a wet swimsuit in an a/c car. Oh well, right? And after the pool, Koi wanted Chick- Fil-A, so I must deliver, right? After that, you'll never guess what happened. MK mentioned "enema" b/c Koi was backed up. Just the mention of that word, sent Koi in a panic. She ended up crapping in MK's bed- everywhere. Hahahaha- you would have laughed so hard. Heh. So MK make me stri

Hi, Dad. Well, my computer is on 16% power, so let's see if I can leave a decent message for you before my computer goes ka-put. Ugh. I guess I've been up a long time tonight. After the pool, Koi, MK and I went to Freddy's for burgers and fries (and milkshakes). You would have loved Freddy's. It's a chain, like Five Guys- but the burgers are very thin. And the fries are very thin as well (crispy, too). Now, the location in Cary isn't run well so we drive to the one in Holly Springs- the "chefs" there are just better, if you know what I mean (noone is sneezing in the eggs, get it?) 😉 Heh. Anyhow, we came home, played hide and seek (Koi's routine at night before we come inside). I fell down in the dark, but miraculously, I'm okay. Even in my platform sandals- I'm okay. Then, we hung out inside and kind of waited to see if Koi was going to poop. She went into her room and took her temperature- which means she's not feeling well. She is warm, because we stayed at the pool for five hours today- and the sunscreen that I put on her face isn't strong enough (it's only spf 30). She "sniggled" into my room and w/in a minute, I kid you not, she was snoring. So, instead of waking her and forcing her to shower, I just asked MK if we could let her be. She agreed. MK has been really angry with me today. She thinks that I let a high school friend go into "her" sacred place (your marker) and take a picture of your tombstone. I asked my friend to do so, because I wanted to make sure you were taken care of this Memorial Day weekend. I also didn't want you alone. She visited you- she's a decent human being. You are a part of American history- a part of something so much bigger, right? You are going to have people, visitors, tourists, and family- they're going to visit your grave marker and wonder who you were- and yes, they will also thank you for your service. I know you hated when people did that, but that is the only way people know how to show gratitude. You are an American Hero t

I'm thinking of you today, Dad. I wish I could be at Arlington. But MK, Koi, and I will be there very soon. I was planning to come up on Father's Day- but Koi is tracked out a week later. So instead of a day trip, we may make it into a 2 day trip at Ft. Myer. Not sure of the details yet- those rooms fill up quickly. We can always stay in Rosslyn or some place close- Clarendon, etc. I'll figure something out. I know Kim and Nance stayed at the Hilton Garden in Rosslyn, and when we drove past there (after going to Chick Fil A), it was very nice looking and very close to Arlington. So I'll figure something out. We'll all be there very soon- but I'm sorry I can't be there on this very important day in our Nation's history. I'll write more tonight- but I just wanted to say I love you to the moon and back- and I miss you so much. My heart is not complete, nor will it ever be again. I miss you, Dawg. Love, G Kat <3

I've been thinking about you all day, Dad. I hope you are somewhere, looking down on us, and smiling. I hope every day your presence is somewhere. I talk to you a lot- especially at night when I go into your room. Your room is pretty much untouched. I'll never go through your stuff and throw stuff out. You lived a pretty bare bones existence, since your move from VA--->CA--->NC right? Do you have any regrets moving? I always think if I hadn't asked you to move to CA- you would have had access to better health care had you stayed in VA. Another issue that was caused by me and my poor decision making. I try to focus on the positives- all the adventures we had, and the places we were able to see together, and the fact that NC treats Veterans very well (well, tax wise, right?) Those are the positives. And the Durham VA is "supposed" to be one of the best VA Hospitals in the Country. I snort, because I did not find the level of care impressive in the least bit. Being a teaching hospital, it was a revolving door of interns who didn't take the time to know you, your history, and what you needed. But that's for another time. I just want to focus tonight on how much I appreciate you- and miss you. You have saved me countless times, and have always been my safety net in life. But that's not why I love you so much. You are the quintessential Father, in my book. You had unconditional love for me- even when you disagreed with the decisions I made. You always supported me- even when you didn't want to. You paid for four degrees and went into debt to pay off my student loans. You sold your Rolex to pay off my Sallie Mae loan. How many Fathers do that for their daughter??? Your love for me was limitless. And when I had Koi, you passed on your gentle demeanor and unconditional love to her. Except with Koi, you were extra protective, given the fact that she couldn't protect herself. People noticed how gentle and loving you were with her. It was evident how much you cared for her- and

Hi, Dad. I'm sending you an angel, but you are *my* Guardian Angel 24/7. Ever since l lost you, I have felt protected in a way that I never have before. It's difficult to explain, but I know you hand in looking after me. For example, you brought me to treatment, and then I told you I had to leave that Center b/c of the therapist as totally not getting me or my pain. I get a letter from her today- it was a letter to all of her patients, stating that she's leaving that center. It's moot now, as you would say, as I found a new/old place- my old Psychiatrist was able to accept new patients. So even though he's a bit on the mean side- it's the type of truth that I'm used to, being ini our family, and I'm sure I will be fine (knock on wood). I feel so solemn and drained today. The weekend was hard. It wasn't about shopping or bbq's- but rather, the weekend, even moreso this year, was about reflection of the many sacrifices that your comrades made for our great nation. I know you used to hate it when people thanked you for your service. But I can't think of any other way to tell you how proud I am of you. I am so proud of you, Dad. I am so proud to call you my Father, and I live each day- each hour of each day (and each minute) in honor of you. Coming off of a low key weekend, I am quite sad and missing you immensely. I should have been at Arlington with you this weekend, but MK said you would understand. I'm so sorry, I wish so much you were still here. I wish I had done more for you. I wish I had gotten those palliative care consults that that evil nurse wanted you to have. I should have upped your liquid diet at night- nevermind you couldn't keep it down. I should have tried. I should have consulted palliative care, I suppose. I wasn't in denial- I was hopeful, and I had doctors and nurses who shared our hope that you would recover. I didn't want to just dope you up and leave you in bed. But to think my decisions could have made you suffer really really pains me and fil

yikes it's 12:30- where did the night go? Koi's showered and finally in bed, and I'm gonna have to join her. I fell asleep in your mancave and woke up all startled, not knowing where I was lol. Your mancave is so comfy! It's very calming and a piece of you. Nothing has been touched. It's going to stay as it is forever, or until we move. I debate whether I should go over the old mail and at least put it in a filing cabinet or folders. But I know you have lots of important papers in those boxes, so I promise I'll never get rid of those. I wish I could find some of your old childhood chatchkis. You had so many in Burke and I don't think they made the journey to San Francisco. You still have the one-eared Indian and the ivory elephant. But whatever happened to the donkeys pulling those blankets- were they copper? It was heavy! And the Philadephia bell? What happened to that one? I guess I'll never know. I love you so much- to the moon and back. And even though this weekend is Mother's Day, I'll be thinking of my Father, who was often both a Mom and Dad to me for many years. Thank you- I love you so very much. I promise I'll write more tomorrow. I don't know why I'm so sleepy today. You are the best Father in the Universe. Love you to the moon and back, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. What a day, what a day. We ended up bailing on Mr. Tire and going to the dealership, which was a great idea. The only thing- putting the donut on the car, I left the rim over at Mr. Tire. Luckily, the Dealer gave us a loaner vehicle (a nice Outback!) and so I drove back to Mr. Tire and got the rim for them. They were able to give us a lower price on tires- and then they sold the last four Yokohama tires to the customer right before us. Raper's luck, right? But then they recommended Continental tires- because they aren't as soft as Yokohama (and Yokohama is also a racing tire), so we went with their advice and got the Continental tires (made my Michelin in the USA). MK kept saying "my husband says Japanese tires are no good, so this is a good thing we're doing." Of course the Tech didn't want to hear MK- he cut her off and said "some Japanese tires are good." And MK didn't want to hear him "no my husband says Japanese tires are no good- their cars are good but the tires aren't- HE LIVED THERE." We did end up buying four new tires, because that is what I know you would want me to do. Plus, with an all wheel drive car, you kind of have to- unless the other tires are less than, I think, 2 cm different in diameter than the new tire. If they are different sizes, then it's going to mess up your something- alignment? Terrain? Something that will end up costing thousands. So no only is MK out sfive hundred something for tires but she is also out another six hundred b/c our 30,000 mile check up and servicing is overdue. Guess what? We forgot to buy the car insurance when we bought the car, and now it's too late. I even pleaded with the guy- it's not our fault my Father became ill, etc. They agreed but he said since the care is already at 30,000 miles it's pointless to get a policy that only covers oil changes and filters (that is the only insurance Subaru will give us at this point). So forget it- we pay out of pocket. The next big servicing is at 60,000 miles and th

Hi, Dad. It's just been another bad day. I miss you so much. I'll start off with some good news, though. We picked up the car and it drives really well. They put four new tires on, and we did end up switching from Yokohama tires to Continental tires (made by Michelin, made in the good ole USA). The car drives like a dream. I also asked them to look at the starter, as the car seemed to struggle starting unless I stepped on the brake really hard. We ended up getting a new battery for free- free 99, heh. That was a great bonus, since we didn't have the insurance we usually get for our cars, right? We were supposed to go back last year and get the insurance, but sh** happened, and we never did. Anyhow, free battery, four new tires, and all that jazz that includes when you have your 30,000 mile tune up. It still cost $$$$ big bucks but at least the car handles really well now. We had to wait for a long time for the car to be ready. I didn't get to take Koi to the Apex Peakfest- so of course I feel like crap for not taking her. But I didn't even know about it, either. Oh well. And I missed some other spring festival last Saturday. I'm just batting zero lately. But Koi is having a lot of fun outside playing in the water- she's her own boss and she loves it. Our pool opens soon so she'll be nice and happy swimming from here on out until almost September. That's the good stuff. I've been really depressed and missing you. MK says you wouldn't want me to be this way. Then she sees I don't snap out of things, so she tries to threaten me by saying I should call Glenn to take Koi if I can't function. I hate the way she threatens me. It just pisses me off. I hate that it's just me and her. It makes me miss you all the more and it sends me into a downward spiral even moreso. I'm glad I found a new/old therapist. The guy I used to go to- I don't want to say his name b/c I'm sure he wants his privacy, but you know who he is- the guy from India who you took me to when I first moved

Hi, Dad. It's Sunday night. Usually this is one of my worst days/nights, but Koi has kept me so busy. I suppose it's a good thing. I haven't had "time" to feel, so to speak. I've talked to MK a few times today- just voicing all of my regrets about not calling 911 quickly enough on November 4th. I'll never forgive myself, but it does help just talking about it. I don't know why it helps. MK isn't the most "comforting" kind of person, but I think she understands. She has been the only person to walk this walk over the last year with me/us- as a family. So she understands where the guilt and self-hatred is coming from. I was not a perfect caregiver. I was tired, frustrated, confused, and most importantly- completely misinformed. I didn't fully comprehend what you were going through. And you were stoic- and you fought so hard to stay with us. I don't want to talk about your last year with us too much tonight- because it's too painful. I can only talk about it in small increments or else I'll break down. I'm sorry- I don't mean to always make it "about me." I'm actually looking forward to going back to my old therapist- because you knew him and he really liked and respected you. And I respect him- so I think it will work out. You have to have respect, or at least a mutual understanding, right? And I never respected my current "therapist" if you can even call her that. Every time I would bring something up- whether it was a life experience, a feeling, or anything- she would have to talk about an academic author and his/her theoretical paradigm. I wanted to throttle her. Life isn't about citations, academics, and paradigms. It's about real life experiences and feeling, and learning from those experiences- and also hanging in there- if you're suffering from depression (as I am). She is clueless and I am thrilled to be away from her. I just hope my old therapist will fully accept me as his patient. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. I have an appt. with him

Well- Koi has decided to start surfing in the tub, so I'll just keep on writing to you. She usually can't stand it when I type- she has no idea what I'm doing- but I think she feels as if my attention isn't fully on her- even though she is literally five feet away. That's Koi for you. I call her "Koisy Woisy" just like you do. I miss so many "Dawg-isms" about you. Everything that came out of your mouth was hilarious- and to think I'll never get to hear those gems of hilarity again. It kills me. I feel so empty without you, Dad. I never could have predicted how empty I would feel w/o you in my life. I always knew it was going to be difficult. But now that it's here- it's unbearable. I find it really difficult to hang in there. I can't tell anyone, or else they'll lock me up in the nut house, no doubt. But I keep at it, one day after another. I think this is "normal" when you are grieving. People say it's a process and it gets easier. But I know that's BS. It doesn't get easier. You learn to live with it, I guess. Or you don't live with it, and you kill yourself. One of the two. I flip flop between the two options all the time. A part of me just wants to join you- to see you. I tell MK this- and she is incredulous that I would be okay with leaving Koi. But I'm not thinking of that. I am only thinking of you and how much you mean to me. I just miss you terribly. Koi is coming out- again. So... BRB. Sorry. xoxo

Koi is finally in bed (but not asleep). It's 12:30am, and she has school tomorrow. What else is new, right? So I guess I should join her and try to put her to sleep. But I wanted to come back and let you know that I think of you every minute of every day. I think about you all day. You are the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last person I think of when I go to sleep. I would give anything to see you again. I miss you so much, Dad. It hurts and I feel so empty. I am so depressed- probably the worst I've ever been. I don't feel as if I have any "outs" here. I mean, I have to confront the pain and face my demons. During my two (cough cough) divorces- neither was as painful- not even close- as this. It's such a different kind of pain- and it doesn't compare. I am drowsy, thank goodness the meds are kicking in. I am still taking anxiety meds and that other med that I need to keep going. They both make me incredibly sleepy, but that is a good thing. I can barely stay awake right now, and that is wonderful. It beats laying in bed all night.'I miss and love you, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. Always and forever, Dawg. Love you, my Partner in Crime... xoxo <3 G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Guess where Koi and I are going tomorrow? Yup. To the ballgame... going to see the Durham Bulls play tomorrow. It's a part of Koi's school field trip. I wish you could come with us. You were never a huge baseball fan like Grandma, but still- you used to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates, right? Grandma aka Mimi, sure loved a ball game. I don't know how Koi is going to sit still for hours and hours and watch this game. Her teachers have kindly asked me *not* to give her the iphone as soon as I see her tomorrow (oops, parenting fail)... but to use it only for brief periods and for a "reward" for good behavior. I'm not a huge fan of this ABA-style "rewarding good behavior" type of teaching. But I will say that Koi has a really excellent teacher and team this year, so I'm going to do whatever they ask and just go with the flow. She can use the iphone as much as she wants at home. But for the ball game tomorrow- I guess we're both going to be watching the actual game. I guess that goes for me, too. I'll have to get off social media myself (oops). Yeah. Well. I miss you so much. MK and I had a hectic day. I don't know what we did. Oh that's right- we went to Ross... again. I found three really cool shirts, a long sleever, bomber jacket kind of shirt, and a blazer with flowers all over it. And I also found a rain/wind jacket that looks really retro. I'm still wearing your North Face rain coat- and that will always be my primary rain coat. But this is a cheaper coat that I can wear on chilly mornings or evenings. It looks like something from the Gap- from the 80's. Lol. Anyhow I hope Koi does all right on this field trip. Her teachers and staff have all prepped her for the day- they've even given her a social story and have really gone over the "plan" over and over with her. In the past, I'm used to Koi, as soon as she sees me, just flipping out until I take her home. But tomorrow is going to be a new experiment. During Special Olympics she did VERY well, but yes- I

Hi, Dad. I was just in your mancave crying, of course- missing you. But you would be proud of me. I came into my room and Koi wanted an episode of Sesame Street. She kept saying "Big Bird breaks his wing." I couldn't find anything like it on Amazon, so I took the search to Google and found the episode on Hulu (which we don't have lol). But I kept searching to find out which season it's from- season 40 episode 19. But it doesn't correspond to Amazon's season. So I found out the name of the episode is "wing in a sling" and I kept searching- and it turns out, that episode is available on Amazon on a "dvd" called "Sesame Street Extras Volume 1" and it's #11. So I bought it for $1.99 and now Koi is so happy, she's jumping on the bed, about to break it. Lol. But I feel triumphant. Because you always taught me to never give up. You taught me how to search for things and how to plug in numerous search terms and how to work backwards in order to find something that is hard to find. With Koi, everything is hard to find, because her mind catalogs episodes like a library, but she has difficult expressing what she is specifically thinking. I know how brilliant she is but it's hard to extract that info from her brain. So anyhow, we got the episode, and she is happy. Thanks to you, we are still using Amazon Prime and Koi is loving it. I am still using your account. I changed all the info to MK's stuff, but it's still your account. We still have Netflix, too- and I have kept your movie profile intact. One day, I intend on watching every single movie you watched on Netflix. I also intend on making a trip up north one day to visit your ancestors. I'm going to do these things. It's part of the 5-10 year plan. Right now, Koi is in middle school, so it's hard to do stuff. I need to find a time when she's out of school but I'm also not working excessively, so we can travel a bit. I fully intend on doing it. I know you always wanted to visit the grave sites of your ancestors and I'm going

Hi, Dad. I apologize in advance b/c this is going to be a short note tonight- and I will continue it tomorrow. I think I took too much medicine, and I can barely stay awake. MK and I ran into Rochelle, your former nurse (well, one of them from 7B) from the VA. She was the one with curly blonde hair (white, but not the mean white nurse). Southern accent, also lost her Daddy, and she was really sorry that we lost you. She really really liked you- a lot. She said she loved your quirky sense of humor and personality. You were kind, and always asked about me. The first thing in the morning, you would ask for me, and she said she was thankful I wrote on the white board every night (I did), just to let you know what I was going to do. So many peoples' lives were richer as a result of knowing you, Dad. It was hard to run into her (MK and I were at Ross in Durham- the one closest to the VA in North Pointe). It's just hard. I text Shelia- one of your nighttime nurses, but I haven't texted her in days. Because I just can't bear it sometimes. It's a shame, but I can't separate losing you with the nurses who cared for you. Rochelle could feel something was wrong- she wasn't sure if we were upset with the VA, because so many people are. Well, of course we are upset with the VA. But there is a time and a place for everything and we will get to what we need to go for DAdIn good time, right? Anyhow, I am upset with the VA- not the nurses, but with the administrators and doctors who made lazy decisions. Again, it's not for now to discuss. Besides, I'm totally falling asleep. I will continue this when I wakeup , OK I love you to to moon and back. Love you Dawg. Love, G Kat <3 p.s. Rochelle said it was helpful I wrote on the white board every morning. She wasn't the only nurse who said that, so I am glad you were able to hear what I wrote. I thought noone ever read them. I"m still skeptical, but still- as long as you were able to hear 1/2 of them, I'm happy. I wrote you every day, tw

You are my Guardian Angel, Dad. I love and miss you so much. With the weather being so cold lately, I just worry about you. All alone. I guess you're not alone- you are with all of your comrades. But I miss you and I want you with me. I miss hugging you and just holding your hand. I would give anything to see you again and talk with you. I'm just so heartbroken. I'll be seeing you soon- but nothing can replace talking to you. I guess I will talk to you in my dreams until I one day join you. It won't be too long, I think. I love you so much, Dad. You're my everything and I am so lost w/o you. I'm going to lay down since it's super late- 2am. Koi says her "tummy hurts" which means volcanic poo may be coming tonight. I need to try and catch an hour- or two- while I can. I also have to wake up early tomorrow, so I best hit the hay. We didn't do anything eventful today- I had to make a lot of last minute errands and that's about all we did. Koi was very well behaved in the car, but now she's being super cranky. I'm guessing she's tired, because gee- it is 2am. Or maybe she's sick. I hope not- I pray not. Did I tell you I saw two bunnies last night in our yard? I'm too cold to give them oranges tonight- but I did last night. I am guessing they are not out tonight- I don't know. It's awfully cold. We'll see if I can make it outside for just a bit. I love you to the moon and back. I love and miss you each and every day. And every day it gets more and more intense- the longing and pain. It never gets better- only worse. I love you so much, Dad. You are my everything. I know I already said that, but it's what constantly comes to mind and it's so true. I love you so much. Talk to you tomorrow (later today), ok? Love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm sending you a Guardian Angel tonight, because I could really use one- and I want you to be my Guardian Angel. I mean, I know you already are. But I haven't been talking to you as much I should perhaps. I'm afraid to. I talk to you occasionally... but when Koi is with me, it's virtually impossible. It's not her fault- she's a kid, ya know? Anyhow, I have had a bad week. I think with MK's birthday and then the impending Mother's Day, it's just triggered the fact you are not here to help. When I say "help" I mean help me though life. I hate saying that- because I sound so selfish. I was selfish, and I did overly rely on you- for everything. I miss you so much. And I'm falling asleep sitting up again. I took my evening meds too early- again. Last night, I was falling asleep sitting up, and here I am again, falling asleep again b/c I took my meds too early and I'm getting really drowsy. I guess my anxiety is "under control" well in reality my meds just wipe you out so you can sleep. I said I would write you coherently today, but I didn't get the chance to. I'm glad tomorrow is the weekend, so I promise I will write you- a good note tomorrow, since I have two whole days w/o having to take Koi to school and pick her up. I did go to Koi's school today for a really nice Mother's Day celebration. she prepared strawberry shortcake and they served us Moms tea and cookies, too. It was really nice. Koi was really well behaved, although she was dying to go home and get fries at Chick Fil A. We did also play in the yard in the water and we've been goofing off around the house ever since. Koi is out of the tub and waiting patiently for me to join her in bed. I am in bed, but I still want to go to your mancave and chill out for just a few minutes so I can feel your presence. And that "other" thing from this morning? Thank you. I always wonder why I am having a difficult time talking with you. Why can't I seem to reach out to you? Well, I feel like you reached out to

Hi, Dad. I know it's technically Mother's Day today, but all I can think about is what an amazing Father you were to me for 45 years- 46 years of my life. I know I've made more than my fair share of poor decisions, but I've always picked myself back up, and I've always prided myself on being kind and nonjudgmental (you know what I mean!) I got all of those qualities from you- you taught me that things are not always as they appear. If you rush to judgment, then you miss out on so much in life. You are limited by tunnel vision, if you make conclusions before you get all the facts. I love how you used to couch life lessons into funny stories. Sometimes you would even tell Biblical stories (even though we didn't go to church, you sure knew the Bible in and out). I love how you taught me so much- and most of your lessons were in fact rooted in the Bible and Christianity. You were such a learned man- educated, smart, with a wicked sense of humor- but kind. You always helped the underdog. You prided yourself in seeing in others what the average person would miss. You had such a keen eye for detail- and you never missed a thing (to the point where I started calling you"OCDawg" lol). You taught me so much and made me the person I am today. I can't help but reflect on you, my Father, the best Father in the Universe- even though it's Mother's Day. I spent most of the day outside with Koi in the kiddie pool. There was an old lady neighbor who walked by and made some comment- passive aggressively- about where all the water was coming from. I can just hear your voice "fuck her".... next. Yup. Some people like to cruise theneighborhood and pick on neighbors. They're the last of the White people in our development- and they're always angry and nit-picky. Really, it's just another reason to want to move. I do want to move someday really soon. I'm not married to the idea of staying in NC forever. And aside from all of Koi's junk, I really don't own a thing- a bunch of $7 shirts from

Happy Mother's Day, Dad. I guess it's now the day after- but still. You've always been both Mom and Dad to me- the nurturing, supportive parent. You've always bailed me out of countless bad decisions and just poor choices- for all of my life. I'm 45 now, and you are still helping me, even in passing. You are amazing. You planned your life- and your death with such precision... MK is taken care of, just like you planned- starting in the 70's. It all went off w/o a hitch, knock on wood. You should be so very proud of yourself. You are amazing, really. I always had an appreciation of your intellect and wit, but now that you are no longer here, I appreciate, love, and miss you so much more. You were right- I miss you (when you're gone). You used to say that to me, half joking (but not really), when I was being a jerk to you. I'm so sorry for that. I hate how we all joked around with each other- because we're all sensitive souls, and sometimes we would take it too far. I hope you knew deep down MK and I loved and cared for you deeply, despite our daily whining about everything. I think you knew. Because you're smart. You saw how MK tried to cook and feed you. She cooks for noone! But even a can of soup. If you would have eaten it, she was going to make you vegetable beef soup. I hate how it took the end of your life just to get her to cook, but anyhow, my point being- it's an indicator of how much she loved you- and still does. She hasn't been herself lately- she's been really grumpy and angry- moreso than her usual sourness. I don't know what's going on with her, but I'm walking on eggshells even more these days. I do it- for Koi. I asked Koi if she wanted me and her to get another house- separate from MK and Koi said "no." So I think I am stuck here- well at least as long as MK will have me. She was super angry with me last night for keeping Koi up so late. Ironically she wasn't *as* angry tonight, and it's even later. After I sent your message last night, she just tor

Hi, Dad. You'll have to forgive me- I am so pooped. Koi was up all. night. last. night. I kid you not. We made the mistake of taking a nap during the day- and I was able to go to sleep, but she was not. She was watching Jakers! That episode "Just like your Grandfather (just like your grandfather)" over and over again. She loves that episode. She never did before, but now she watches it constantly. Go figure, right? I think it's her way to connecting with you, if you ask me. I'm so tired- Koi is right behind me, jumping on the bed and I am about to scream. So, I'm going to hit the sack, and I will continue this note to you in the morning. Hope that's okay. I can't stand the bed sounding like it's about to bust in half when Koi jumps on it. If you could only see her now- she is huge. You thought she was big last year- well... she is twice as big this year lol. I have a meeting at school about her next monday. Glenn called me and asked if we "needed to talk" before the meeting, but I'm just too tired to talk right now. I'll call him tomorrow (snort)... I swear. It's the same stuff. He always asks the same stuff- stuff where I don't have the answers to. He thinks I hold a crystal ball or something. Anyhow, lately I have been consumed with you and trying to deal with losing you. I'm not doing very well. I meet with my old shrink on Wednesday and perhaps he can help me. I met with the neurologist today, but that doctor never really helps with what's going on in my head- more like they just rubber stamp seizure meds (which I don't take). I only need to take those if I'm under stress- and I don't think I am under stress very much lately. I am very sad though. I hope you are in good spirits. I am still unforgiving for all the mistakes I've made. But I am hoping you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. I know you already have- because you are such a generous soul. But it's me who needs to forgive myself, too- and I don't think I ever will. I love you to the moon a

Hi, Dad. I'm lighting this candle because I keep saying I'm going to write you and sh** keeps coming up. Stupid stuff. Tonight I had to talk to Glenn about Koi's IEP on Monday. He said he would be short, but here we are- 2 1/2 hours later. I can hear what you're thinking and I am laughing. I'm going to hit the sack, but I'm lighting this candle until tomorrow- and that is when I will finish writing tonight's note to you. I'm, like, two days behind. I'm sorry 🙁 I love and miss you so much. I see the nut doctor tomorrow, too. I don't want to have to tell him why I am so full of anxiety and depressed, but I'm going to have to. I feel so empty w/o you, Dad. I miss you so much- every day. It never goes away. I get through the days, but they are empty. I hope you are up in Heaven and you can see or feel me. I need to open myself and try to feel you- I'm just so closed off, emotionally. I'm sorry- it's not for any lack of love. I'm just so sad and scared. I love you so much, Dad. Until tomorrow (or, later today).... sorry... someone is a major blowhard 😉 I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Well- so much for me continuing this message early this morning. It's pouring rain right now, and of course, I'm reminded of you. You loved the rain. So how many days behind am I in writing you? At least two. I was up late last night b/c of Glenn, of course. He likes to talk for hours about what we should do for Koi's IEP but then something will trigger him, and all of a sudden he'll get upset (with me) and then pretty much imply I'm on my own for the meeting. But that's fine- because both he and I know it's best if one person does all the talking. The County's not going to want us to talk too much anyhow- they're going to have their agenda, and so it's kind of up to "us" (me) whether we're willing to go along with it. I'm going to push for a 1:1 for Koi, because she is getting older and she really needs one. She has an opportunity to really get something out of school besides rote busywork- but this will only happen with close supervision- someone who will help her maintain focus. So, I am running late yet again. I need to hop in the shower, and I will continue my note. I went and saw Dr. P today (you remember- the nut doctor you originally took me to in Durham? He left that practice and now is in Cary- although he is still a Duke Doctor. My old place focuses too much on "telemedicine" and I feel they have really neglected their real-life patients. Plus, the new shrink there simply sucks, with all due respect. Dr. P told me some stuff about your condition after the stroke, and that was upsetting. He told me how hard it must have been for you- a bleed like that, despite you still being mentally intact, is traumatic to the body. I just hope you weren't in pain and you didn't suffer. I hate myself because I don't know if I made good decisions for you. Of course, he brushed me off- but that's the way he is- and I rather go to a shrink who brushes me off over a shrink who gives me mindless academic articles to read (bs academic articles about crazy assed theori

Hi, Dad. What day is it again? Just kidding. It's Wednesday, but it seems much later. There was no school today, b/c the County cancelled school so Teachers could protest downtown. I can just see the look on your face, if I told you this. That grin on your face. That devilish smile/grin. I loved it so much. I could tell a million things were going on in your head. And you would always spout out, with comedic precision, the exact thing to say, short, to the point, and hilarious. I cannot even imagine how you would respond. But I know you would be hilarious. So yeah- the Teachers were protesting today, and Koi had the day off. Since I had my nut doctor appt., she had to wait for me- with MK- in the car, while I did my thing. It was an hour long appt- more than an hour, actually- I felt badly they had to wait so long. But luckily it was a cooler moment in the day and it was in a park of Cary that's older, so there were big trees and lots of shade. They didn't seem to mind- and we went to Chick Fil A afterwards for- of course- fries. Then, Koi and I played outside in the water- the County probably thinks we own a pool in the backyard, right? Remember when they called you and thought you were "hiding" a swimming pool, when in reality, it was just Koi and her baths? That was hilarious. Anyhow, I went and saw Dr. P- the same guy who was initially at CBC when I went there over three years ago. It was thanks to you I was able to get clean and sober. I owe you my life. Time and time again. How many times have you fished me out of one bad decision after another? My way of honoring you- my only way (that I know how) to honor you- is to stay clean and sober. I have thought about relapsing so many times- but Dr. P did tell me today- staying sober in one of the most important ways I can give tribute to you. That's what Dr. P told me and of course it makes perfect sense once I heard it. I don't know I did't think of it before. So yes- I'm still clean- no relapsing, knock on wood. B

Hi again, Dad. Well it's 2:40 now, and Koi is in bed- finally. I hope she falls asleep quickly, as I am falling asleep just sitting up. I miss you so much. MK and I share "Dad" stories every day- and I love it. You have so many stories and narratives in your life- enough to keep us laughing for the rest of our lives. You are really one in a million. I wish so much you were still here. I replay the last eight months in my head over and over again- as in... what could I have done differently? I can think of several things, but I won't go into them now- or will I list them (like I've done in the past). I should just create one document like I have created in the past. That way, I won't have to write and rewrite the same thing. And when I review it, I can add to it. I would imagine by the time I hone the document, it's going be quite substantial. And I'm not sure how that is going to serve any real purpose, aside from a therapeutic element on my part. I've tried to write this paragraph for a few minutes now. I'll type something and it won't make any sense, so I'll delete it. Like just now. I must be really tired or the nighttime meds are kicking in- or both. You know we will see you shortly. I miss you so much. I think of you every day. I saw two bunnies in our front yard when I was driving home (late) tonight from WalMart. Remember that old bunny who used to eat our flowers? This must be his grandson. And he has a wigfe now, too. I pulled onto the driveway and they both kind of scooted away. Don't tell MK- but I went and got two mini oranges- mecans. And I bit into them both, so they could smell the sweet juice coming out of them. And I threw them in the fron year. I hope they managed to get it. Because, I mean, who doesn't love an orange? Well, I'm going to put some eye cream on Koi and then hit the sack. I will write you tomorrow, ok? I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I love and miss you so much. You are always in my heart. But my heart is also missing a piece. I

Hi Dad. I see someone sent you flowers again. I wonder if it's another flowers being sent- or the same one that resurfaces to the top of the page. Are you still this popular? I believe it. That smile of yours. I was looking at your phone tonight, and I mustered up the courage to watch a video I took of you a few days before you passed. It was me, asking you to thank Aunt Nance for the chocolates and fudge she sent. And Then I said something to the extent that we were going to get your COPD under control. You thanked me so politely and so full of hope. "Thank you" you said. You believed me. And now- I feel like I lied to you. Your nurse did say we were getting your COPD under control, so I didn't knowingly lie to you. But in a way, I lied to you constantly. Because I had hope, and I never shared with you all the times I was afraid. I never told you that I was worried about you losing weight- or not being able to walk. I didn't share with you how scared I was. What I did share with you was all of my hope and positivity. Because to me, that's what heals. The body is connected to the mind- and I really thought if we all believed, you would be able to get better. MK even affirmed today that you "fought like hell" to stay alive. You wanted to live more than anything. She said "but something about his body just couldn't get better. But he wanted to live more than anything." That's what so heartbreaking. I know how much you wanted to live. You just bought a new car. You were looking forward to the new Mac systems. You wanted to upgrade your phone and switch back to AT&T when your lease with Sprint was up. You had pacemaker surgery a month before your stroke because you *wanted* to live. I hate the doctors. I hate them for so many reasons. I hate the ones who weren't thoughtful when advising you. I hate the ones who treated your surgery as something to be done in an assembly line "every Thursday." I hate the ones who loved to bring me bad news at the VA and yet would deny yo

Hi, Dad. I'm giving you my heart tonight. I can't get over the video footage I have of you on your phone. I replay it in my mind over and over again. This is why your passing came as such a shock to me. You were conversing with me, just like you always did. Yes- your stroke did affect your communication. But not in a major way. You spoke the same way- but you were gentler and generally more "content" (or maybe that was an act so as not to worry me). You were a gentle soul. And when you talked to me, you were genuinely grateful for everything I tried to do. I did try really hard to do this and that, running around like a chicken with its head cut off. But I never stopped and really thought about what I was doing. I was just in a "mode" to give you all the meds prescribed and see how we could dance around the crappy therapy they gave you (what little of it they gave you). It was a pathetic amount of therapy, I even hesitate to call it that. Their services were comical. The fact you died on a friggin' waitlist for home based health care is atrocious. An ambulance had to come and pick you up once a week and transport you to the VA in order to take blood. And then back you went. That didn't even include other doc visits, which were added on. Can you imagine the stress on your body having to go through all of that? I get so sad and angry when I think about it. I'm sorry, Dad. The system and its people- they/we all failed you. I love you the most, and I couldn't make a thing work. It's too late for sorrys. They don't count now. But I think about my mistakes every day of my life and I will always think about all the mistakes I made- from the minute I wake up until the minute to go to sleep. Like I always say, you are the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I think about when I go to sleep. Koi is still in the tub. It's a late night. She feels pretty good- I won't go into details. But let's just say I have to run to Walmart late tonight to do a late

I forgot to write you a note when I came back last night. Sorry, Dad 🙁 I must have been distracted with Koi's _____ whatever, right? Guess what? Walmart Marketplace is no longer 24 hours. So I went to do a "dump" and buy some razors for me. And it says "new hours- 6am until midnight." I guess times are a'changin'. Also, our neighborhood has been subject to burglaries. And there is now a new "initiative" with Cary Police- if the squad car drives by our street and sees our garage door open, they will notify our HOA and w get written up as being an "unsafe" home." Can you believe that? I never thought as a homeowner (MK) you can't even open your garage door. Now, when I walk the neighborhood with Koi, I have to carry a garage door opener with me and always close both doors if I walk away from the house. Anyhow, I don't know how I got off on this topic... but year- I went to Wal Mart last night and it was closed. I guess I'll be going back to Teeter Totter. They have always come through- back in the day when our whole family was up all night b/c of Koi. She got sick a LOT, remember? You were always there for me. And you always went to the bakery- every morning- for Koi. You did so much. I miss you so much. It's 10am- I overslept. That ghetto carnival in the Durham parking lot is here. If I don't take Koi to it today, I may take her to it Monday or Tuesday (wait- not Monday b/c I have an appointment), but I may take her to it today or Tuesday (or Wednesday). It's here for like 10 days. I will be thinking of you, because you always loved a good carnival. I hope you'll be there with us. Love you so much, Dad. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I just came from your mancave and put our bears to bed (Dawg and Kat Bear). They have magnetic paws, so they can hug each other and go to bed holding hands. I remember one night I spent at the hospital with you (it was early on in your hospital stay, maybe not even at the VA, maybe it was at Duke), but I actually crawled into bed with you and you held me. It was if I was the sick person, needing love and support. And you gave it to me. You held me and caressed my head. I'll never forget that. I miss you so much. Today, I took Koi to one of those ghetto parking lot carnivals. I think you know which one I am referring to- the one that's in Durham, down the street from the Life and Sciences Museum. I used to take Koi there every year. One guy who operates a game remembered Koi and said he didn't see us last year. Well, that's because I was busy, ya know. But when you came home, I did take Koi to the State Fair twice. She didn't even enjoy it- and I was away from you for over five hours. I wanted to kick myself. I don't know why I did it. Maternal guilt, I guess. Anyhow, I took Koi to the parking lot carnival and Koi had a pretty good time. I got myself a funnel cake, and MK ate half of it. Ironic, isn't it? I know you'll always remember the time when you bought all three of us funnel cakes, and MK got so angry with you, she made you eat all three of them. What a turd. I still, to this day, do not understand what bug was up her butt. So I got myself a funnel cake, and she sure gobbled half of it. I wish it made her sick, but it didn't. I also got Koi a big bag of cotton candy, because she loves it. She rode all the rides herself. I feel badly, but I just get too dizzy. I'm a bad Mom, but what else is new. I'm a crappy daughter as well. Koi won herself three "stuff" animals, too. She is really good throwing darts and popping balloons. Gee. I wonder where she gets that from. Remember Rehoboth Beach? "That's one, that's two, that's three, that's four. Now give me

Hi, Dad. I don't remember sunshine being a virtual gift before. Is it new? Or did I just never notice it before? I don't know. But since it's Easter Sunday, I am sending you a little sunshine, even though I'm not sure if you see any. MK and I booked our trip. I'm not going to announce it to the world online here, but I want you to know we are coming very soon to see and visit with you. We can only stay one night, because Koi starts getting antsy after the first night. Meaning- she thinks the hotel is her new home and starts getting nervous. She did really well at the Interment, but she thought the hotel was going to be our new home. Now, it's still our goal to one day move back to NoVa, but for now, NC is still Koi's home, so we just want to avoid making her nervous. And I know you "get" that. And I know you would want us to do whatever is best for Koi. But we are still planning on moving back. We just don't know when. We have a lot of little fixes around the house to do before we put it on the market. Plus, Koi is in a really good middle school program so we may stay two more years here. I don't know what high school would look like here. The longest we would stay in NC would be until Koi is finished with high school. I have to learn to navigate the disability roads in the state of VA. Chances are- they are not as generous as NC. But it doesn't matter- because even though we are going to visit you a lot, we still want to be much much closer to you. It has to be. Plus, NC is getting too crowded. It's not the way it was when you brought us here back in 2007. It was a great time, but now it's not the same w/o you. There's nothing for us here- except for Koi's school. that is. MK did get her DIC payment the other day. Thank you a million times for schooling me on that and basically leaving me a roadmap on how to apply for DIC. It's thanks to YOU that MK got it. Your many sacrifices and your ultimate sacrifice is what ultimately got her the DIC. Your "award" letter says

Hi, Dad. I'm sending you this dove, but I really wanted to send you a cardinal. Because that's what I got today. I got a little red cardinal tattoo to remind me of how much you loved those bright red cardinals that used to perch themselves outside in our back yard in Burke. They were majestic, weren't they? I have seen my share of cardinals since your passing, too. Is it you? Sometimes I think it's you, checking up on me. Do you wonder if we're okay? Yes and no. We are getting by, but we are not doing "well." I did file your taxes, though. I know I said that, but I'll just say it again in case you missed it. We're coming up to see you soon- very soon, like in a matter of days. We're only going to stay one night, because Koi goes batsh** crazy if we stay more than two nights. She thinks the hotel is our new home if we stay more than one night. We're staying in the same place- Ft. Myer/Henderson Hall joint base... oh I can't remember the name of the place, but it's the on base lodging. We paid that $40 extra and got a suite, so Koi and I would have one room and MK would have the "living" room and she can sleep on the sofa. MK didn't want to pay that $40 extra, but I said "to heck with it." We need that extra space, with Koi. We've been eating Outlack Back as MK used to call it (Outback Steakhouse) a lot recently. They have some "frequent eater" program, and we got our first 50% off meal today. So of course MK went nuts and got the filet- Victoria's Secret, as you both used to call it. Har! And lobster tail... Koi got fries and cheesecake. I ate half of MK's meal, because we're still cheap. I remember when you used to drive all the way to the other end of Cary to get us Outback. I never told you how much I appreciated it. It was such a long drive, and they would inevitably f*** up the order in some way. Remember the time you forgot the $20 bill and MK made you go back- and she went with you, and she accused them of stealing the $20? My God, and she was right- they did

Another tribute tattoo. I know you're probably rolling your eyes, but it helps me. I want to get your portrait inked on me. But this dragon on my leg is taking forever, so if I get more ink, it probably won't be until fall. I don't like to get inked during the summer because I'm usually in the sun, and sun and tattoos don't mix. Anyhow, I hope you like it. The cardinal is holding a cross- I don't know- I just wanted something to remind me of you. This style is called "American Traditional" tattoo'ing and right now, it's what I like. Although the dragon on my leg is more realism- or Japanese style tattoo'ing. I'm going to write tonight (see above). I deleted yesterday's post- but I saved it. I got a text from Heather, so I thought what I wrote was offensive. She was like "oh please Girl, write whatever you like." She texted me because she wanted to make sure we got reimbursed for travel costs when we went to D.C. I think we did, but her go to person at the VA thinks she should resubmit the paperwork in case they want to reimburse us more. We'll see, but it was really the thought that counts. Heather is really amazing. She was so amazing with you, Dad. She put something in your hand. It's a momento with tiny baby footprints in a piece of copper. You have one, and I have two of them. At one point you were holding all three. Heather did a lot of really special things for us. I'm forever indebted to her. Anyhow, let me get on with today's post. Love you, Dawg. <3 Kat

Hi, Dad. Koi and I went to Eno River today- just to walk around (not hike), and Koi really loved soaking her feet in the river. She saw a yellow butterfly, and it scared it. She screamed, but it was beautiful. I think it was a monarch- can monarchs be yellow? I remember you used to tell me when you and MK lived in Pacific Grove, there was a fine if you harmed a butterfly. I thought that was pretty amazing. You had to push them off your car if you wanted to get in your car and drive. Sounds wonderful. Anyhow, I don't know why I am not exhausted. I've been really out of it all day today. I guess the "good" out of that, is that I am too tired to really think about things. Koi woke up at 5am and has been up ever since. MK and I kind of sat around the house until almost 5pm, because we were so out of it. But Koi wanted to go out. She wanted to go indoor swimming, but MK doesn't want to let me let her swim in an indoor pool because of the germs. Sigh! So I proposed Eno River, and despite it being late, overcast, and a bit cold, Koi had a blast. She always knows how to entertain herself- even with the littlest of things. I'm glad she enjoyed herself. She never seems to get cold. After that, I almost ran out of gas, because I'm stupid, and we also went to Marshall's. I got some Adidas flip flops/ slides- so I can wear some kind of waterproof the next time we go. I can't believe I didn't own anything I could get wet. Koi had her Crocs, of course. Anyhow, I guess now the fatigue is starting to catch up on me. I miss you, Dad. Every time I breathe- I think of you. You've left such a gaping hole in my heart. Even though I've been tired and preoccupied, I still have thought about you about ten thousand times today. I have missed you twenty thousand times, too. Koi is watching the Jakers episode where they say (in her nightmare) "just like your grandfather, just like your grandfather." Oh boy did we used to laugh over that sentence. Now, Koi watches it all the time. Coincidence?

Hi, Dad. Sorry I have to make this note short, because it's 2am and I have to get up at 6am so I can make it to see my "nut doctor" as you call her 😉 Anyhow, I ended up staying up late, because MK and I were trying to figure out the best day to come and see you. It's supposed to basically rain nonstop in D.C. for the next week and a half. Nuts! But we have a day planned, not to worry. MK is doing all the worrying. You'd think she's never been in rain before. She has listed all sorts of rules for me, too. "No Peter Pan pants" (leggings). Well gee- I only own leggings, MK. And no "short coats where you can see your butt in those Peter Pan pants." Uh- okay. So I have to wear my long puffy coat to see you. I told her- I'm pretty sure you won't mind what I'm wearing. And that's something you would totally say. She is already planning my "do's and don't's" of what I can wear. And she is already needing to buy new rain boots for a ONE day (two day, one night) trip. Gimme a break! So that's what we've been talking about. Oh, and we can't travel on a trash day, either. Although she has since become flexible on that, since the weather is horrible right now. It's supposed to SNOW in D.C. on Saturday. I don't believe it. You're going to be freezing, you poor Bastard. Sigh. Well, anyhow. I love you and I miss you. I took Koi to Eno River again today. However, it was even colder than yesterday and Koi was mad. She wanted to swim in the river, and it just doesn't work out that way in the spring. She has now declared "no river" anymore. She's been saying "no playground." So I have no idea where she wants to go now. MK has refused to let her go to an indoor pool b/c of all the germs. I haven't battled that issue because I have brand new tattoos and honestly it's not good to go swimming with those, plus I don't want MK to see anything new- not until they're at least healed and I can claim I've "always" had them 😉 Well. I'm going to lay down and try to sleep for about four hours. We

Hi, Dad. What to do, what to do. It's 2:30 in the morning and Koi is asleep in the tub. I kid you not. I'm right here watching her. She is floating and dozing. I keep saying "Koi Koi pull the plug and get out of the tub" but she snores over me. Today was a long day- she got up around 5am. I got up at 6am to get ready for my "nut doctor" appt. Then when I came back, I saw MK and Koi fast asleep on the bed- who knows how long they were there. I tidied up a bit and they were still sleeping- and it was noon! So I decided to crawl into bed with Koi, because hey- I was tired, too- and when will I have another chance to sleep like that? And so Koi and I napped until 1:30 or so, which is why it's so darn late right now. I walked around the neighborhood at 11:30pm with her tonight. I had no idea it was that late. I got a new pair of blue shoes (platforms- not Adidas but Pumas) from Ross. I keep thinking what you used to say about me "it's a shame you're not a millipede, Jen." Yep. I wish I was. I could buy shoes forever. So MK was jealous I went to Ross w/o her, so we went to another Ross with Koi later in the day and there was nothing there lol. Heh. The Ross where my nut doctor is is good, but the other ones all suck. I honestly think the employees grab all the good stuff before they sell it. Anyhow, Koi and I went to Chick Fil A for lunch and Brixx Pizza for dinner. We played "water the yard" for a few hours, plus, like I said, walked around the block four times in the cold. It's supposed to snow in D.C. on Saturday. Brrrrr. I can't believe it. I put on your Nike jacket tonight, because it's still hanging on the far left hook- just where you left it, probably on March 5, 2017. I put it on and reached in the pocket and found a folded napkin. I'm guessing you put a napkin in there in case you had to cough and spit a hawker, right? So of course I wanted to cry- but I didn't. I took the napkin, and carefully put it safely away in your desk drawer. Because I guess I am nuts.

Well- Koi just got out of the tub- can you believe it? She's finally in bed and watching her YouTube stuff. Please don't let her be wide awake now lol. She was literally snoring in the tub. Anyhow, wish us luck. I hope we can get a few good hours of sleep and hopefully our sleep schedule won't be off. Once we go down that path, it's hard to get back on a normal cycle. I love you, Dad. I was just in your room and I was cuddling Kat and Dawg Bear. I love how their paws are magnetic and they can embrace each other (or hold hands). They are hugging each other and sleeping... kind of like that one night we slept that way in the hospital. You were embracing me b/c I passed out in your hospital bed. You were always so kind and caring to me. I miss you so much, Dad. You were the best Dad in the Universe. I love you infinitely. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm so sleepy. It's 1:30am again- we got a late start today, because we didn't go to bed until well after 4am. These hours are tough! I hope it's not snowing in D.C. tomorrow. Brrrr. I know how much you hate being cold. My meds have made me very dizzy and disoriented right now- I think I'm just sleepy. I will finish writing once Koi is out of the tub, ok? I can't function. When someone so close to you has passed- a part of you- a huge part of you- goes with that person (you). I will say I updated all three phones and two ipads (and MK's ipod) today. It makes me think of you b/c you used to do it for everyone. For all the times I became upset with you for nothing- I apologize. So many regrets. I made so many mistakes. I will write more in a bit. I hope I wake up,, as I am soooooo dizzy. Love ou to the moon and back. TBC....

Hi, Dad. Whoever sent you flowers- thank you. I have a feeling I know who it was. It was so nice- from a very kind person. How are you? Today was a low key day, and yet I was busy for most of it. I wrote a letter on MK's behalf to the NC Dept. of Revenue, asking that the late penalty be abated. Knowing NC, I doubt they will abate- but it's worth a shot. I already paid it, so that just makes it even more problematic. When I received the Federal Tax Bill for your estate, I was shocked. Because I filed via Turbo Tax and paid for the actual Turbo Tax program- but they didn't send payment to the IRS, like I thought they would. And I never checked to see if they took the money out of MK's account. They didn't. So they assessed penalties and interest- but I was lucky- because you have an impeccable tax record- it paid off. Finally, right? I guess better late than never? I don't know- I'm so sorry you didn't even get to enjoy the fruits of your lifetime of labor. I don't even know if MK even appreciated the fact that they abated the penalties because you spent your entire life paying taxes- always on time. When I was searching for proof that I paid the 2016 taxes, I stumbled on your email to me, entitled "yea me." It was a forward from TurboTax, saying that your 2015 taxes have been accepted by the IRS. You told me it was for "informational purposes only." You were always planning- always one step ahead. Always. The only time I have ever struggled has been a result of your stroke- something that you could not have foreseen. You were feeling sick that prior week- actually month. Right after your pacemaker surgery you were feeling ill. I wish I would have listened more and taken you to the doctor. I should have insisted. I know, I know, "shoulda, coulda, woulda." But I mean it. I carry a lot of responsibility that I didn't do more for you. I'm so sorry, Dad. I can only try hard moving forward- honoring your name and life- and, I guess, taking are of MK (although I don't alway

p.s. Dad- Thank you for all that you did to ensure MK was taken care of. Finally the OPM came through- after four months. Now I can shift focus on filing your taxes ON TIME so it's not the nightmare it was last year. I'm still waiting to hear of NC will abate the penalty for late filing (fingers crossed, but it is what it is, right?) Thank you for all that you did. MK- and this whole family- is forever grateful. I love you so much. Love, G Kat

Hi Dad. You've been on my mind all day today. Aunt Nance was really comforting to me over text. She thinks I constantly beat myself up over all the mistakes I made with things. But she thinks you wouldn't want me to do so. I know that. You were always so forgiving of me and my mess-ups. Even that last week when I accidentally gave you too much meds- and you had to go to the ER. Turned out, it was okay- they didn't admit you, thank goodness. I asked you if you were mad at me and you were like "nah" and you gave me that big, cute grin of yours. I love that grin- it's so mischievous and adorable. You were such a handsome man. The ladies thought so, too- and it never really dawned on me until you stayed at the VA for five months. The nurses all loved you. They thought we looked alike. I was very flattered. I guess I never saw our resemblance, but others see it, and I'm glad. Anyhow, Nancy was really supportive and kind today. I appreciated her kind words. Weekends are tough sometimes- and today the weather was cloudy and cooler. It was kind of gloomy outside, and the last few days have been sunny and warm. I got Koi a third can of helium. I swear she is a helium/balloon addict lol. I have to wean her. And we didn't do much today. Mom made spaghetti- but don't worry- it was "jar sauce"- not her homemade meat sauce. Koi is now eating spaghetti, and Mom won't even make the homemade stuff for her! So you know it wasn't you- it's her. Tomorrow, I'm going to call the Estates Division downtown to see if we can fill our paperwork in order to make MK the Administrator to your Estate. I think that'll just make things easier. However, I think we'll be waiting a long time for that appointment. The last time we met with the Deputy, she got us in the next day, but that was only because there was a cancellation. Especially with tax season rolling around the corner- I'm sure we'll be waiting for quite some time. Did I tell you that I got yours/MK's Federal tax penalty abated? I think I

Hi, Dad. I'm missing you so much. Again. Nights are hard. I can keep myself busy during the day, but night is when I am alone with my thoughts- and all my thoughts about all the mistakes I made, and the things I did and did not say to you. I would give anything to have a re-do of your last eight months. I wish so much I was different. Had I known the urgency, I would have done things so differently. Today, I went downtown with MK and filed paperwork to make MK the Administrator of your Estate. It's just a good thing to have- you know, if she ever needs to do anything or file anything on your behalf- she'll be able to do it now. We did use the NC "first year's share" or something like that, so filing the administrator paperwork and oath was easier- because you already have a file number downtown. And we didn't have to pay twice, which was very nice. So MK was happy I managed to get that done in one day. So now I can proceed with whatever I need to do. On a different note, we need to switch back to AT&T now that the leases are paid off. They still think we have the iPhone 6, though. But I think you sold it? So I think I'm going to have to pay a lot to actually own the iphones we have. I met someone at Chick Fil A who says he can help us switch to AT&T, but I want to keep your phone. Because it's special to me. I have to many things on my "to do" list. But at least I can check off one of them today. Tomorrow is another day. I guess it's already tomorrow. I log onto the Arlington Cemetery App everyday and there is still no grave marker for you yet. I keep waiting so I can see it. I'm still coming when Koi is out of school- to visit. I'll be visiting regularly- and frequently. It's actually not a very long drive- it seems that way, but once you do it, it's not long at all. Luckily, Koi does really well in the car, and the ride up 85 North is nice. It's when we get onto 95 North is when it starts to stink. But you know that. It's come a long way, though. There is an HOV l

Hi, Dad. I'm sorry, but I am falling asleep, sitting up, as I write this. But hey- I'm using a yellow candle today, so MK will be happy. I took MK out to eat today at that Korean Place (newish) called The Golden Pig. I regret you were never able to try it- I think it's much better than H Mart or S Mart- and maybe even Seoul Garden. I think you were the one who told us about it, like always. It's right next to the "old folks home" at the end of High House (towards downtown Cary). I used to feel sorry for all the oldies at that home, who would look out the door or window, longingly- hoping someone would visit them. And here I am, now wishing that you would have had that chance. Of course, I never would put you in a home, but you never even had that opportunity to grow old. You were too young. I'm so sorry for all the mistakes I've made. I feel like I could have done a better job being your caretaker. I admit, I wasn't given the best guidance, but still- I should have advocated more and kept pushing them all until you had everything you needed. I have so many regrets. I just want you to know that it'll never be something I can get over or move on from, ok? It'll always be on my mind, and I will carry all of my mistakes to my own grave. My life will never be complete again. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss you so much. I promise I'll write tomorrow. I am falling asleep. Plus, I must have dozed of earlier today, sitting up (my speciality) and I've felt nauseous for most of the evening. Stinks. I will start revisiting that form again tomorrow. But even MK agrees, I need to look for help. I am not sure if I can do it alone. But if I can't find anyone, I will go it alone. You have my word on that. I love you to the moon and back. I love you so much. And I miss you infinitely. Love, G Kat xoxo (p.s. I will write tomorrow/late today, ok?) Love you. <3

Hi, Dad. I know I said I'd write you today, but you know what? I actually went to write you this afternoon and fell asleep! Do you know how long it's been since I've had a nap- during the day? It felt great, but I didn't write you, so I'm sorry about that 🙁 I drove MK to Mebane (Tanger Outlets) so she could get Koi some more "whale" shirts (Vineyard Vines). Koi has enough clothes, but you know MK- she likes to spoil her granddaughter. And I guess Koi could use a few more shirts. They were having a "get two, get one free" special, so you know she was all over that, plus she demanded her "military discount." I knew you'd appreciate that lol. The manager didn't want to give it to her, since the sale was quite good, but MK kept talking like he was going to do it, and you know what? He did it. It's like her own version of the "Jedi Mindscrew" as you used to call it lol. God, I miss you so much, Dad. Your humor, your mischievous grin with those teeth (even the ones that were gone- you still had such a wickedly cute grin). I never really told you that- and I never told you what a handsome man you are. But you are, and I miss that handsome man so much. Life isn't the same and it never will be the same. I bleached and cut my hair even shorter today. I kept it "long" (short long) so I would look halfway respectable at your Interment. Plus, I remember last year, you commented that you liked my blonde hair. You said "I bet lots of guys like your hair that way." You were so cute, because before your stroke, you would never say anything like that to me! But I assure you, no guys are talking to me, and that is A-OK with me! I am doing my thing, and trying to make you proud. I'm trying my best with Koi, too. She needs a lot of assistance- in life, and with school, too. Her teachers think she may be best served with a 1:1, so they are going to observe her next week. I'm actually really impressed with Wake County for taking the initiative in helping Koi. In the past, I've had to fig

Hi, Dad. It's Thursday night and Koi is soaking in the tub. Tomorrow is an "early release" day for her- I know how much you "loooove" those lol. Or rather- I remember when you remember when you went to school like 365 days out of the year in five feet of snow with plastic shoes that had holes in them. And you walked it four times- because you hated cafeteria food so much, you walked home to eat soup and toast. Your school food was made by the women's prison, and word on the street was the female prisoners spat in the kids' food. I wish I could stick a "laughing face" emoji right here, because you *always* make me laugh- even with your yesteryear stories. I loved them. Your whole life made me laugh- in a wonderful way, of course. I miss that so much. And then of course, I become really heartbroken, thinking about the last eight months of your life- how I failed you so much in every sense. I wish I had worked harder... done better. Even if the outcome would have been the same- I don't feel as if I gave you 100%. I may have given you 100% of my heart- but I feel like I could have given more of myself... with my efforts. I supposed I was pacing myself for the long haul- but little did I know I wouldn't be pacing myself at all. I never dreamt you would leave us so soon. There is no reason why you had to leave us so early. It's just not fair. But like you used to always tell me, "Jen, life ain't fair." I suppose. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like a bear. Koi is coming out of the tub. I think she hears me type, and then she feels I'm not paying attention to her lol. So this is to be continued once she's out and in bed. Love you, Dawg. <3

I'm baaack. Koi is in the bed, watching her YouTube, and I'm on your bed, in your mancave. I'm missing you so much. I can't stop thinking about your fall at The Cheesecake Factory. I should have watched you more that week. I knew so little. If I only knew that was going to be the beginning of the worst ever for you. I don't think your fall caused your stroke, but I do think the mismanagement of your post-op meds caused you to be dizzy. I don't think your meds were managed correctly, which caused bleeding. But if I had watched you closer and forced you to stay overnight at WakeMed, who knows. I know you went back to the ER twice after your fall and they sent you home both times. There have been so many mistakes made, it's honestly so difficult to pinpoint them. These are the things that race in my mind at night until I pass out. But the good thing is that the meds I take cause me to be really sleepy and I fall asleep quickly. The pain is just too much, so I keep busy and then just go to bed. I would give anything for you to come back. I would give anything. You deserve to be here and it's just not fair. I love you to the moon and back. Do you remember your time at the many hospitals? You stayed at Wake Med, and then a little bit at Duke, then UNC. They kept discharging you prematurely and wanting you to go to a nursing home, which was not gonna happen. So we took you to the VA and they had you for five months. Do you remember? I stayed with you every night at the VA. I didn't stay nights at Duke and UNC- or Wake. I stayed late, though- like 2-3am. It was when I wrecked your blue Subaru was when MK suggested I start spending the nights and coming home early in the mornings. She knew best and I'm just so glad she let me spend every night with you from then on out. I know I would show up late- around this time- because I had to give Koi a bath first. MK wouldn't cut me a break with that- ever. I had to get Koi ready for bed before I could come and see you. Do you remem

Hi, Dad. Boy, is it windy here. All I keep thinking about is how cold the ground in D.C. must be. And I hope you're okay. I know you hate being cold. I miss you so much. There is a full moon tonight- and I think that is why I am so emotional today. I bought another frame- and I framed another angle of your coffin (a picture a took from the sedan, so you can see your coffin and the horse-drawn carriage). I printed that out, and put that in one side of the collage frame, and put the letter from the Arlington Lady on the other side of the frame. I have no friggin clue as to what an Arlington Lady is, but the way she talked about herself, I guess it's something to be proud of. I'm going to have to keep this short tonight. Nance wrote your email account- she was writing me, but I sent her a picture from your email and she responded to your account. So a few days had gone by, so I needed to write her a good sized email, too. She said so many nice things to me- about how I worked hard to make the service go well (I had to confess to her that my secret is having an awesome Funeral Director who basically did all the work plus a credit card that paid for flowers and a sedan- that's it). She also blamed herself about not visiting you before you passed. I wanted to let her know about our family dynamic, w/o giving too much away. But I wanted to reassure her that there was really no way we all could have visited w/o some major effort and persuasion of MK. Your health was our priority, but my biggest regret was letting that doctor talk us into you getting a pacemaker. I wonder if you really needed it, although the VA claimed you were pacemaker dependent. I don't know. But I had to reassure Nance that she had nothing to do with the fact that we couldn't visit. It was our dysfunction of MK not letting anyone in our lives for decades. How you wanted to travel to WV- to visit the graves of your ancestors. I wish so much you were able to do that. I know you weren't happy. I wanted you

Hi, Dad. I'm missing you so much today- and everyday, really. But as we approach the one year anniversary of your stroke, I am reminded at how little time I had with you after you were sick. It makes me want to hurt myself- like cause pain to myself, because I am so heartbroken over the mistakes I made in caring for you. I was your caregiver, and I failed miserably. I made so many wrong decisions, and I also feel the medical establishment- all of them- failed you. I feel they gave up on you. And I also feel like I was left with very little guidance. And yes, I just made wrong decisions. I was selfish. I didn't want you going into a facility, because I wanted you home with me. I'm actually "lucky" that your one year anniversary falls on a Tuesday, because I can attempt to keep myself busy that day. Weekends are the most difficult for me. Weekends enable me to reflect. And I don't want to think about things. It's too painful. I know why people abuse substances to numb the pain. But my promise to you is that I won't do it- as tempting as it is. It hurts to feel this pain. It's hard to control my tears so Koi won't see me. It's hard to even talk about you with Mom w/o tearing up. You'd think I would have been halfway prepared with all of this since you were sick for eight months. But what happened to you- shouldn't have killed you. Why did it all snowball out of control? The longer you were in the hospital, the sicker you got. And yet- you needed to be in the hospital. The private hospitals would discharge you after a week of heavy pain meds- and that wasn't what you needed. You needed to be inpatient for almost five months. You did have several setbacks with infection, and health issues, though. But overall, you were not stable to come home until at the earliest the beginning of August (is what your geriatric nurse told me). Mom and I kept you in the hospital for two extra weeks for selfish reasons. I thought I would be caring for you for at least five years- probably

Hi, Dad- I'm lighting your favorite color candle tonight, blue. I hope you like it. Today has been the neverending day. Koi was up at either 6 or 7- I'm not even sure. I finally got out of bed at 7:45 because Koi told me to lol. We've been up ever since, and it's now midnight. We went to "Fresh Park" which is an all-inclusive playground in North Raleigh called "Laurel Hills" I believe. I know if you were here, you would have found it, just like you found "Kids Together" park when we first moved here. You did so much for Koi- you always made sure she had the best of everything. I want you to know that I will make sure she is taken care of- no matter what. Even if I have to become a Walmart Greeter, I will be- so I can support her and give her a good life. I promise you she will live with me until the day I join you. And when I'm not here, she will be taken care of by people who love her. I promise. I miss you so much, Dad. It's so hard. It's now Monday and exactly a year since you had your stroke, although you actually one year anniversary is on the 6th. I wish so much I could go back in time and do everything differently. I wish I forced you to spend the night at the ER that Saturday. And I wish I drove you to the ER ASAP on that Monday. But I made you wait, because you said your ribs were broken, and I thought you were exaggerating. I'm a terrible person, aren't I? What person thinks their Father is embellishing their injuries? I don't know what I was thinking, but obviously I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. And I'm still quite a self-absorbed person. I'm always feeling sorry for myself and carrying on about how hard I have it. I really do need to focus more on others- and especially focus more on Koi. I wish I could write something profound right now, but I am so tired, Dad. Just like I was when you were sick. So tired to function or speak. I hate it when I get this way. I love and miss you so much. I can never be the same person again. And there are time

Hi, Dad. I sent you a heart tonight- my heart. You are my heart. It's been a year since your stroke. I don't feel like I lost you on that day, because you were still the same person. Yes, you lost some skills- you struggled to read and type- but you re-taught yourself, without even asking anyone or receiving any therapy. You struggled to be mobile- and you never received therapy for that. Your other illnesses worsened because of your lack of mobility, and that is what breaks my heart. I also feel like I made bad decisions and choices regarding where you send you- i.e. which hospital, and not advocating enough for you- listening to the doctors too much and not challenging them, like they should have been. In many ways, I feel like I am the responsible one in your passing, because I was the one in charge making all the decisions about your care. Sure, the nurses all praised us, didn't they? Oh your daughter loves you so much. Oh, you're such a lucky man to have a daughter who cares so much for you. But they didn't know. What were they going to say? Gee- I'm sorry you're not receiving any therapy and support? But I do love you- more than anything. I just didn't do enough for you. And so I look at this day as the day when you lost your feisty independence, because we just didn't get you the support you needed in order to make a full recovery. I was so obsessed with how bad the damage was- and you were a medical miracle- because the amount you bled- it had miraculously all dried up. I thought you were going to be around for years. YEARS. At least one year. If I had known, I would have put my entire life on hold. All of it. Our last day together, I wouldn't have left the house for over an hour to run errands. At least I was quick- I didn't take any detours, like I usually did. But I didn't know. When you looked into my eyes and grabbed my arms- I didn't know. You were trying to tell me. But I didn't know. I'm sorry for all the things I didn't know. I was so wrapped up wit

Hi, Dad. I sent you another blue candle tonight- I know blue is your favorite color, and it's mine, too. Well, a year has come and gone since your stroke. I know you were the same person afterwards, but after your stroke, it really changed our lives... well, you know why. I hate how you were not able to regain full mobility when, with the proper supports, you should have been able to. I hate how our society casts aside older folks and seem to value their lives less. It eats me up and tears me down. It breaks my heart and I feel powerless. I know I sound repetitive but I just want to say I'm sorry for not doing more for you. You deserved better than what I gave. I should have worked harder for your recovery. I kept thinking it would happen on its own. I didn't want to battle MK with therapists coming into the house. Some did, but they didn't seem very good. And then when you had to go back into the hospital, we'd have to start the paperwork for home therapy all over again. We were too busy living our lives with you to stop and actually do all the paperwork, and we should have. I'm sorry for not making more time for that- and you. I feel like sure I took care of you, but I rarely actually stopped to smell the roses with you and really connect with you. I think I was afraid. I don't know. I loved coming to see you at night and just lay in that uncomfortable recliner while you slept- and then you would wake up and watch me sleep. The t.v. was on all night because it brought me comfort, although I think it annoyed you. You tolerated it for me, like most things. I feel like I really enjoyed myself spending those nights with you- and I hated how I came so late. MK blackmailed me all the time- saying if I didn't do "this or that" I wouldn't be able to visit you. So I put up with a lot of her crap so she would watch Koi so I could come and see you. She was horrible. Like she always is. I had to do everything with Koi- bathe her, and then I could leave. She got her out of the

Hi, Dad. Someone keeps sending you flowers. Do you have a secret Admirer? 🙂 You are such a charming man- funny, handsome, and kind. I wouldn't be surprised. I love how someone is sending you flowers- it makes me realize that you have touched so many people in your short lifetime. I'm missing you terribly tonight. I feel like some people (like family, but not Mom, I think) are getting tired of me grieving. But it takes me longer. Much longer. I don't think I will ever ever get over losing you. I just cannot be the same person I was. I have so much guilt over the last eight months of your life- all the mistakes I've made. I appreciate certain people not wanting me to rake myself over the coals. And there will come a time when I will accept the fact that I'm human, and I made mistakes. But for now, I can't accept it. I failed you in such a way that there were no second chances. When you are in charge of someone's care- there are no second chances. And I feel so hateful towards myself. Some people want me to live my life and enjoy myself. In your honor, of course. But I cannot. I can't bring myself to be that way. I'm still a Mom to Koi and that will never change. I know you would never want me "slacking" my duties as a Mom- and I'm not- but boy if you ever found out, you'd be livid. You loved Koi like nothing I've ever seen. You were such a kind, loving Grandpa. Koi has been watching that Jakers! episode where Dannen dances "just like your Grandfather!" And she has that nightmare about it. She watches over and over again- the conversation Dannen has with her Grandma about her Grandpa- with the Grandma describing what a wonderful generous person (duck) he was, and how even though he couldn't dance- he was a wonderful dancer because he was so full of love. Koi watches that scene over and over again- and I just can't help but think it's slowly starting to sink about you. She's on a different timeline that most- but I think she's getting it. She misses you, Dad. Even thou

Hi again, Dad. The day is coming, isn't it? I can't stop replaying in my mind your final moments. How you grabbed both my arms- you were trying to tell me. I was so clueless. I kept reassuring you in a way that, I know, wasn't convincing you. And I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't able to do more to comfort you during your final moments. I wish I had known- as you would say "woulda coulda shoulda." That pretty much sums up my life, doesn't it? That will be in *my* eulogy, right? "Woulda coulda shoulda" was Jen Owen's life pretty much summed up. She failed in everything. But one thing, to me, I never did fail, was my love for you. Even though I didn't always show it. Even though I was mean and cruel at times- I still loved you So much. I love you more than life itself, and I would gladly give up my life for yours. You were a man of such integrity and virtue. I still am replaying Rick Snyder's letter in my mind over and over (as well), because that is a positive memory. He is such a great writer- I can see why you loved him so much. He so eloquently recalled him time with you at DIA, and it's so touching and heartwarming. I'd rather go to bed with that memory, as opposed to how I utterly failed you during your final moments of life. I'm sorry I was scrambling to get a battery for the oximeter. I thought the oximeter wasn't working, But it was you who wasn't breathing. I wish I had called 911 sooner. But I want you to know that when I spoke with the Cardiologist- who, yes, was worthless, but seemed like a nice enough guy. He said there was nothing that could have been done- even if a crash cart was right there. Even if you had been in the hospital. They may have been able to prolong your life for a few more days on life support. But your heart just stopped working. Which, to me, doesn't make sense, because you had a pace maker. That should be the only part of you that *does* work, don't you think? So many questions I have, and I do intend to get to the bottom of my ques

Hi, Dad. I wonder who is this mysterious person who keeps sending you flowers? Is it me? I don't think so. I think you have a secret admirer. Figures- you were always such a handsome man 🙂 I have spent a lot of time in your room/man cave today. I sorted out the IRS bill- I guess I filed the taxes via TurboTax and I thought I remitted payment, but I only paid for the TurboTax itself. Who is that stupid? I am! I called the IRS, and, after being on hold, they agreed to abate the penalty and so we only had to pay the tax owed, which was basically, like, half of the bill. Isn't that great? Mom is still focusing on the fact that I am so stupid, I didn't remit the tax payment for 2016. But I swear I thought I did. But when I checked to see if our accounts reflected payment- they didn't. So, it's on me- I never remitted payment. Anyhow, at least the penalty was abated, right? I'm going to write the NC Dept. of Revenue and ask if they too will abate the penalty b/c of the circumstances. You were very sick last year, and honestly, we just didn't have time to do taxes. I did eventually do them, but had I started earlier and turned them in on time, we wouldn't be going through this mess. It never hurts to ask, right? And if now, I won't be making that same mistake again this year. I better get a head start of the 2017 taxes! Yeah- I am a geek, I guess! I better get a start on 2017 taxes, right? They are around the corner, and I am not filing late. Anyhow, I promise not to wait until the last moment, so I will not forget. And if I do, please remind me <3 I'm not making much sense- all of a sudden, I just got incredibly drowsy. Must be the meds, tight? How about I write you when I wake up tomorrow, ok?? I like doing that (bugging you all of the time). That's what families are for. I miss you so much, Dad. It's been even harder for me lately. I love you to the moon and back. I keep hoping you will come back. I promise I'll write tomorrow. I just can't stay awake or write an

Hi, Dad. I'm so so tired- it's late tonight (I guess that's why). I don't know where the day went, but you've been on my mind for the whole day. Mom and I had a lot of "errands" to run- you know, the usual (Marshalls, TJ Maxx- which stunk). And we also settled up our awesome Funeral Director, Heather. You know Heather- she was that sweet soul who talked to you for three months (93 days to be specific) and drove you up to Arlington with her friend, Mimi (not your Mom, Mimi). Mom is feeling more at peace with things now- because apparently she gave you her word a long time ago- she would take care of you and make sure you were laid to rest- peacefully. So she feels as if she fulfilled her promise to you. As for me- I guess I didn't make any promises, so I don't feel like I did anything for you. I should have driven you to the hospital asap on March 6th- not picked up Koi from school first. On Nov. 4th, I should have called 911 sooner- not waited until it was too late. And in between- I should have been more patient with you. I should have advocated for PT harder- and I should have paid out of pocket for you to receive therapy so you could start moving again. So many things I didn't do, and now it's too late. I wish I at least got your fingerprint. They make necklaces with your loved ones' fingerprints on them now. How cool would that be? Did I tell you- I found your old birth certificate in your important papers folder- I think it was in your desk drawer. I scanned the document and now I have a picture of your little Dickey feet when you were born. They were so dern cute. I wish I could turn those into a necklace, but it would be one huge necklace! Anyhow, I'm pretty beat today, so at least I'm too tired to cry. Don't worry- I cried plenty earlier today. But I usually have a nice evening sob as well. But I'm too tired, I guess. Tomorrow's agenda? To get MK Boba/Bubble tea again (like taming the beast), getting her something to eat, and perhaps finishing up that form.

Hi Dad. You'll be happy to know that I just updated all the phones to 11.2.6. There seems to be a lot of glitches with this System 11 bit. Ever since you went into the Hospital earlier this year, the Apple iPhones have had problems- all kinds of stupid glitches that even I can notice (so you know they're obvious). Today was another tough day for me. But Mom helped me celebrate three years of sobriety. I hope you are proud of me. I promise to continue living my life honoring yours. You saved my life three years ago, and although I wasn't able to save yours- as a matter of fact, I couldn't even care for you properly. I couldn't advocate for you the way in which you deserved. Because you matter. You really matter- and you are such a beautiful person. Am I digressing? Yessss. Anyhow, MK helped me celebrate today- so we went to... wait for it... Marshalls (again) and found some more cute sweatshirts for Koi. I also got a few sweatshirts and I also went to WalMart and got some tank tops and capri pants for Koi. I took MK to Urgent care- because she broke out in a coldsore. I'm guessing from the stress of the Interment. But it could also have been from a dirty utensil from Hibachi (she always gets cold sores after Hibachi). She was able to get some pills for her cold sores, so that was a success. Pills, pills, pills. I also got some help filling out "that" form that you know about. I got some pointers- so I will continue drafting that document tomorrow. I am hoping to have it finished this week and I will mail it off next week. I don't want to overly rush it- because with each passing day, I get more pointers- either from the Internet- or from this attorney. Anyhow, I hope you are somewhere and happy. MK says she still feels your presence at home, although it's waning. Why can she feel you and I cannot? I guess I don't have the gift. She says she is blessed with the "gift" and she sees and feels you all the time. I wish so much I had it. Are you there? Are you okay? Is the

p.s. me and MK also went to Hibachi Buffet in Durham and, of course, MK got sick. I can just picture you grinning and kind of laughing. Not at her, of course. But yeah- she never learns. I love you, Dad. I got teary eyed (again) at the restaurant, because you used to go with us- sometimes. It's just as horrible as ever. I love you, Dad. Koi loves you, too (she just told me). xoxo

Hi, Dad. I guess I'll light a yellow candle for old time sake. For MK. She told me something interesting today. She said that she saw you around the house for months now. It's "getting less" now that you are laid to rest. But, she felt your presence all throughout the house ever since you passed. Okay. I just want to know why I haven't felt a thing. Is it because I lack the faith? Because I don't completely lack faith, but it is faltering these days. I am so sad and heartbroken. I cry every night- before I put Koi to sleep, I go into your mancave and lay down. I talk to your picture and I kiss your angel ornament (that's hanging in your room- I put it there). I talk to your picture- the one of you and Koi in front of a faraway Starbucks (Koi has her head in your lap and you have a cute smile with sunglasses). I talk to you. But I don't hear anything. I saw a red cardinal today and I wondered if it was you. I don't know why I would think a bird is you, but it just made me wonder. You always loved cardinals, and this one was so brilliantly red and just so stunning. He landed right in front of me and Mom (outside of the car) and I think paused- and I said "are you Dad?" and then the cardinal flew away. I don't know. I don't know if it was you. Mom then walked to go to TJ Maxx and Marshall's- because we were in Durham. I thought I had a nut doctor appt. today, but it turns out- it's on 3/20 not 2/20. So we went shopping instead (of course) and we found a lot of nice sweatshirts for Koi. I didn't find anything. It's ok- I wasn't looking. And the the mail came today and your subscriber's refund came, along with your insurance premium refund. It just has made me so incredibly sad today. I hate it when MK gets a check and it is made out to "the estate of Richard P. Owen"- it makes me want to just slash my wrists. I can't take it. It reminds me that you're not going to come back. But like the Chaplain said in the story of Israel, it's not that you're not coming back, but I c

Hi, Dad. Gosh, I haven't lit a green candle in ages, have I? I don't know if I'm even allowed to keep posting on your Tribute Wall here, but I'm going to keep doing so. MK thinks I need to stop, but I'll just not tell her anymore. Hey- I won't have to light that same yellow candle night after night. Lol. She feels a lot at peace since you went to Arlington. She feels that you are now safe, and she also told me that the two of you had a conversation a long, long time ago about this moment. You did not think there would be room at Arlington, so the conversation became focused on the "annex" cemetery- some place in Quantico. But you made it to Arlington. I don't necessarily think that's a "good" thing, as that means you passed at a young age, which YOU DID. But I'm digressing. You and MK had a conversation, that I (obviously) wasn't privy to- and she gave you her word that she would care for you and make sure that you are laid to rest and you are in peace- and you are safe. So she has closure and she feels relieved that you "made it" do to speak. Now, I- on the other hand, feel completely the opposite. I liked you in Raleigh, even if you were in a cooling room. I liked you there. Now, you are 4 1/2 hours away. And it breaks my heart. And all of the old (not so old) pain and hurt have been re-opened once again (not that they had ever healed). Things are just so painful for me right now. I have to keep myself busy- constantly. As long as I'm doing something all the time, I can keep my mind busy and not think and feel the pain. It's so hard also not to want to self-medicate my pain, too. But I won't. That's the least I can do for you- is to keep my word to you. Did I ever give you my word? I promised you that I would always live my life in your honor, and that includes doing what is always best for Koi. I will live a truthful and meaningful life, and I will never live a life of excess, hypocrisy, or lack of integrity. These are the values you taught me, and I will always

Hi again, Dad. This is, I guess, a covert operation, as MK does not want me writing you on this medium anymore since you are now in VA- not NC. But I feel that you are omniscient, and it doesn't matter where I write you- you'll see it (or you won't see it). But the medium, time, or place is irrelevant. That's just my fractured fairytale, as you would call it. I hope you are well. I miss you so much. But I wasted the night talking about Koi's future to Koi's Dad- and it's just all very upsetting. And it took hours to get off the phone. That's why it's 1:30 in the morning and Koi is just out of the tub. Lord help us all wake up tomorrow. She has school tomorrow, and MK will vaccuum. Yay 🙁 You remember "cleaning day Mondays" don't you? You hid, and I wish I could do the same, but I have a feeling I'll get roped into helping MK, since, after all, I live in this house. She wants to get me and Koi a new mattress, which is awesome- however, I'm fine with our two junky twin beds stuck together. My back is killing me, of course- but I don't think we need to spend that kind of money- especially if we are considering moving up to VA. MK had to buy a new washing machine before we left for Arlington, so that was kind of our big expense for the month (that and the videographer, which she doesn't know about- oh and the limo, too heh). Those are a lot of expenses that she has no idea about- and yet, she really enjoyed riding in the limo, and she enjoyed having lunch at the Officer's Club (that was my idea- they still have a lunch buffet!) Some things never change. And there were bunches of old farts fitting there any eating and doing whatever. The Hostess was an old Korean lady- who appeared to be mean, but then offered to watch Koi so I could finish eating. THAT was nice, eh? She said she watches "kids like Koi" at her church. So go figure. Anyhow, we had a boring day today. We went to Southpoint just to walk around, and that is about it. Koi has school tomorrow, and I also need

I'm so sleepy now. Thank God. Koi is in the tub, and I'm getting ready to take her out. I took my meds about an hour ago, and thankfully they make me drowsy as well. I am still missing you every bit as much, but after taking my meds, I can barely keep my eyes open. Here's hoping my drowsiness stays. Because nighttimes are so painful. I think about you even more at night and I hope you are in a safe place, and you are happy. Or content. I love and miss you so much. My head is spinning from medication, and honestly I think that is a good thing. Less to feel, right? My hope is that Koi will sleep past 8am tomorrow- maybe even 9! But if not, that's ok. I love you to the moon and back. You see? I just dozed off for a bit- sitting up. Oops. Koi is coming out now- time to clean. I love you, Dad. I will write you in the morning, ok? Hugs and kisses. You are so special to me, Dawg. Love, G Kat

Hi, Dad- so Mom doesn't think I should write you here anymore, because you are no longer a "resident" at Renaissance. You are now a resident of Arlington- so the question is- how do I continue to write you? I was just going to keep writing you here- until your obit is taken down. I don't know. Mom is pretty adamant about me not writing you here on this medium. But I'm not listening to her. I'm writing you early tonight- because I am missing you so much. It's so painful. MK just promised me that we could move closer to Arlington- eventually. It won't be too long. You know how it is in order to move. It just takes time. But it won't take too much time. I'm really encouraged by this. I think she sees how much I need to visit you. We have to contact some people about your care first. You know what I mean when I say that. And once we do that- then we can proceed and move closer to you. In the meantime, we can downsize yet again (because we seem to have accumulated a lot of junk) and see how small of a space we all can share. I think we can do this. I'm going to help MK and make it happen. NC has been really good to us. I receive excellent health care, as does Koi. Disability is excellent in NC as well- and if Koi stayed here until she in an adult, she would benefit. But again, let me weigh all of these things. Because I really need to be close to your gravesite. I just do. I know you're probably rolling your eyes, but you know how emotional I am. I never developed that thick skin that you worked so hard to get me to have. I'm sorry for letting you down. But I feel very intensely- and I feel things for a very long time. I miss you so much and I am so pained by the fact that nothing I can say or do will bring you back to this medium. I heard something on a show (a silly show) I was watching on Netflix earlier today. The quote was, "just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it's not there." And that really resonated with me, for obvious reasons. MK says she feels y

Hi, Dad. Long time since I've posted on your wall, right? I'm sorry, but as you know, I've been with you. It was such a beautiful Internment. It was such an honor to be a very small part of such a special moment in history. As MK says, you are now a part of history. When you look up a comrade at Arlington (which you can do with their app), you are now there. You are a part of history. I never really realized that until MK said so. She is relieved. She feels as if she fulfilled her obligation to you- to lay you to rest and to make you a part of history for all of your hard work for this country. I never saw it that way at all. To me, you are no longer in Raleigh. I know Heather talked to you- and I didn't know she gave you these four momentos to hold. They are the coolest things- they have little footprints on them and say "it was then that I carried you." You've held all four of these- and you still have one. I have three of them. Heather also gave me a retired star- from an American flag that has been retired. Your sister gave me several things: a necklace that says "I love you to the moon and back" and a picture frame that says the same- with our picture (when I took that selfie when we went to see Star Wars), and she also gave me a wooden print that says the same as well. It was really nice- and yet bittersweet seeing her, Kim, and meeting Drew. It was such a whilrwind since Wednesday. It flew by. You are in a lovely place. If you were to sit up, the Washington Monument is to your left, and the Pentagon is to your right. You are surrounded by your comrades. And yet you are kind of near the curb, so you have some "breathing room" so to speak. You know what I mean. You have a little more space to yourself than if you were smack in the middle. MK was very pleased with your location, as was I. I plan on coming back soon- during spring break. When Koi is out of school, we will make the trip again in about a month. We'll come back in the summer- several times, whenever

Happy Valentine's Day, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You brought the warm weather with you- it's supposed to be in the high 60's Thursday and Friday, but very cold and possibly snowy on Saturday. I hope you will be okay w/o us. We will stay until Friday, just b/c I don't think Koi can last much longer. But we will come and visit you on Friday as well. I love you so very much. We are getting ready to push off. You hang in there, and Heather and Mimi will come and get you at around 2 in the morning and drive a straight shot. Try to rest (I know), because you have a big day tomorrow. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat

I'm back! Feeling so much better. I slept well! I ate way too much of Koi's Valentine's candy- that sugary stuff called "Lik M Ade" where it's pure sugar, like Pixie Stix. Anyhow, sorry I could not write. MK even asked me if I was writing you last night, as we are getting ready to leave for Arlington. You will be going with Heather and her good friend "Mimi" tomorrow. I asked Heather to let you know, so you're not confused or anything like that. I'm sure you're not- but you know me- I worry about crazy stuff. So we are getting ready for our journey. It's going to be okay. You've been in Raleigh this whole time- and you've been so patient. You always knew the waitlist for Arlington was long, and it sure was. MK said she thought this day would never come. She has been on edge for months. She doesn't think you can be "in peace" until after you are laid to rest. But for me, I am more scared of laying you to rest. I don't like the finality of it. I want you to still be here. MK says you are still here- no matter what. Is she right? Nancy wrote me last night and was really kind of down in the dumps as well. She was nervous- and I told her I was scared, too. She said I come from "strong stock" and you are a very strong person. She said you used to say "this day too shall pass." And I know you did used to say that- a lot 🙂 She was having Internet problems and she needed a new modem. AT&T had to come in and fix her stuff, and she said that you used to troubleshoot over email and fix her stuff. So you not only took care of me and Mom, but you also took care of your Sister. You were such a great man, Dad. Ain't it hell that it takes a passing in order for people to fully realize that? Sigh. I love and miss you so very much. I'm going to start packing and we are going to head up to Arlington, VA in a few hours. We'll wait for you to join us tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back. You are such a special person, Dad. I hope you know how much you mean to all of us. You mean th

Hey Dad- I feel sick tonight. I think it's nerves plus I ate too much sugar. I'm going to try to get some sleep, and I will write you tomorrow, before we leave, ok? I love you to the moon and back. See you real soon. I miss you so much. Sorry about this- I also ate Korean food for lunch (wink wink) so your guess is as good as mine, whether I'm sick from that or from all the Valentine's Day candy/sugar that Koi had for her friends. Anyhow, I will write you when I wake up. I love you so much, Dawg. Love, G Kat

Hi again, Dad. I was just in your room, reading to you Rick Snyder's letter written to Mom. It was so well written and heartfelt. I think I'm going to read his letter in lieu of my blubbery mess, as I said last night. I know that's the best decision. I also added the last paragraph of my eulogy as an "addendum" to Rick's letter. It fits like two pieces in a puzzle. Like yin and yang. I swear I wrote the eulogy before Mom received the letter from Rick and yet both documents compliment each other perfectly. They are almost mirror images of one another, except Rick's version is the well written version. Heh. But you know what they tells me? It tells me that I wasn't the only one who saw your many qualities as the wonderful human being you were. You made your mark in this world. But you were so private and never shared your work experiences with me, nor did you ever ever brag about yourself- I had no idea that your colleagues also thought the same of you. It's really quite moving and leaves me speechless. What Rick wrote was exactly who you were- and I'm humbled that he- and perhaps a few others- were able to see it. You were a remarkable human being. And the world was- and is better for having you in it. I miss you so much. It's been exceptionally difficult these last few days. It's so painful. Surprisingly MK was of somewhat comfort to me tonight. She was a bear for most of the night, but after we both ate tacos, she was kind to me. I told her, in tears, it was really hard lately. She asked me "why, because you miss him, right?" And I responded with a nod. She replied "I know, because we were never apart. We did everything together. We were always together. But I don't feel that he is gone. I still feel his presence here." I'm so glad she does. I don't know if I feel your presence, Dad. Sometimes I like to think I do. But being like you, I am a skeptic. But Mom believes you crossed over to the other side, because she held you in her arms when you passed. She held yo

Well I think that took longer than I had anticipated. I went into your mancave and cuddled with our new bears, Kat and Dawg. Did I tell you that I found these two bears at Marshall's? They are Steiff bears from Germany- just like Fritz the Mouse! And they were on clearance- because I guess noone in their right mind wanted to pay $30 for two small stuffed bears giving each other a high five. I love them so much, because they remind me of you and of all the times you used to make Fritz talk for me. I loved those times so much. I also miss Gene the Dog, Smiley the Dog, Donk Jose Donkey, and BB Bear. I really loved BB Bear- I wonder what happened to him? I hope they're all in heaven with you- or maybe they're at someone's home. I don't think BB and Fritz made it out of Burke, sadly. But I do have those wonderful memories. Wow- I just looked up Fritz on ebay, and they are still selling him, along with "Kai and Kimba" the two bears I got from Marshalls. I also found out that the bears hands have magnets in them, so they're not "high fiving" each other- I guess I can pull them apart. I just didn't want to break anything. Anyhow, I was cuddling these two guys, and just thinking of you. I took my meds so I'm super drowsy and don't have the mental ability to hate myself tonight, I guess. I think that's what the meds are for, actually. So for now, I will just say that I love you to the moon and back. I did think about all of my screw-ups earlier today, though. I went into your office drawer and found yours and MK's marriage certificate, along with her Naturalization papers. I found your will and our name change. All the important stuff- I found. Because you may not be "organized" but you are organized, if that makes any sense. All the stuff is there. You just have to find it. And it's either in your desk or in the tupperware containers- just like you said in your survivorship documents. Along with our name change papers, I also found two TYPED letters- one to DFAS, and one to

Hi, Dad. How are you? Today was a very uneventful day. I overslept (because I could) since Koi is tracked out. However, I didn't feel well rested b/c Koi kept me up all night. You know she sleeps like "a fish" as MK says. She moves around all night and kicks her covers and wiggles... and since I often sleep with her, that means I'm getting kicked and the covers are being pulled off me all night. It's a bummer. So I woke up kind of early, because I'm old and my bladder tells me to- but I was not able to stay up. Even the smell of coffee couldn't get me up- so I went back to sleep and woke up closet to 10 or 10:30. We literally lounged around the house all day, minus a quick outing I took to get coffee cream and a neck trim. We took Koi to get some fries for dinner and then we came home. Koi has me pushing her in her stroller now- she's rediscovered that for when she's tired. So I pushed her twice around our block (the circle around our street) and to me, that was good exercise. We've pretty much done nothing- but it's been cold and cloudy- the two things I loathe. Tomorrow is supposed to warm up and I am looking forward to that. I promised MK I would get her taxes done... and then we will take the trip up to see you. I want to have a clear conscience when I take trip b/c you will know! I'm always exhausted and drowsy, probably from the meds I take. Nancy is puppysitting again tonight and Koi took a long bath. So, it's been pretty uneventful. Nance's iPad is back in business, so I know she must be happy about that. She says she doesn't know technology, but she knows more than most. She sells herself short. As for me, I was just in your mancave and I was lamenting the fact that I should have listened to all of your Mac tutorials when you would try to teach me things. I shut my ears and didn't hear/retain a think. Now I am only wishing I could get our system back to where it was. I wonder if I can do it. Right now, it's still hanging on by a thread, but we also need to

I don't know where the day went- again. But here it is- midnight. Koi is jumping on the bed (gee I guess she feels better now), and I am trying to get her settled down. Funny how one minute she's laughing and jumping on the bed and the next minute she's crying about a tummy ache (it's for real). Last night, she had volcanic craplosion around midnight and then again a pee-plosion at 4am, and craplosion #2 (no pun intended) at 5am. I was pooped (again, no pun intended). I actually fell asleep from 8-10am this morning. I couldn't help myself. On a good note- Nance is up and running with her iPad. Kim went over to her house and helped her get set up. The lost pictures are uploaded on the icloud and Kim created an icloud email address for Nancy to use as a security measure if the gmail account doesn't work. No more bell south email, which is good, since technically that address is long gone. What a nightmare, eh? That's stuff has happened to me before- very recently because I'm all alone now. And when you said "you'll miss me when I'm gone" couldn't be more true. It's not just for the computer help, though. I miss your company. I miss how you always made me laugh- even when you weren't trying to. You were the only person who could make me laugh like you do. Noone really got us, did they?? There will ever be anyone like you, that's for sure. I took Koi to Kids Playing Together park today- just to do some slides and swings. Then, we had Chick Fil A (as usual) and then we walked around the neighborhood, and then we came home (inside). I hope and pray that Koi doesn't have any more volcanic craps. I don't know how I managed to catch them before they happened, but I am pretty sure it was divine intervention. I think you had something to do with it, so thank you, Dad. I love you so much. I saw a beautiful, bright red cardinal this morning, and I am wondering if it's you. MK says she sees a huge red bird- like twive the size of a cardinal- and she feels it's you, or your spirit

Hi, Dad. I don't know where the day went. But it's come and gone. I'm up late b/c Koi had a tummy ache, and you know what that translates as... (volcanic craplosion). Luckily I placed her on the floor on a towel, so the damage was minimal. You must have been looking down on us, and you gave me a sign to check on her just in time. Thank you a million times. You saved the bed, that's for sure. So the night ended with two baths... two of everything, plus a dumpster run (yes, MK still makes me do that). Nancy texted me earlier to let me know her iPad finally gave out and she bought a new on on QVC. However, she forgot her security email- or rather, it's an old bell south email address that no longer works. So she is having some issues getting set up with her new ipad, because it requires email- or gmail- and her backup email isn't working. Plus, she cannot remember her passwords- you know, being old and stuff. I know she misses you so much- you used to stay up so late helping her troubleshoot remotely, just like you used to do with Bob McFadden. You also did the same with Rick Snyder. Bob McFadden told me a quick story about how he almost lost everything on his Mac and you dispatched Rick Snyder, equipped with whatever it is he needed, to help Bob fix his Mac. He is forever indebted to you and still uses a Mac. I love how both of these guys love and remember you so fondly- all because you went out of your way to help them with their computers. Plus, you taught them both how to write. You taught me how to write, too! Who, What, When, Where, Why, and Who gives a SH**. I'll never forget your instruction. It was one of a kind. I was laying in your bed this evening, like I do every night- thinking of you. And I remember what you used to say to me. "You'll miss me when I'm gone." Because I was such a jerk to you all the time- and you used to say that to make me feel bad about myself. Well. You were right. I do miss you. And what's worse- I hate myself for the fact that you f

Good morning, Dad. I'm finally up. Koi's been up since 8am- what does she run on? I run on coffee, like you. I hate that you lost your taste for coffee during the last eight months. I hate that you lost your appetite. I wish so much I could change everything. But I wanted to say good morning to you and that I miss you immensely. We don't have much planned today- just a calm, casual Sunday. I'll be thinking of you all day. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you so much. Love you.... G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm so tired tonight. I was able to take Koi to the Special Needs Egg Hunt at Bond Park today. I'm so thrilled about it. I was supposed to have "part II" of my dragon ink shaded and completed- but the artist cancelled on me (and rescheduled for Thursday). So I was able to take Koi to the Easter shin-dig this afternoon, and I think she enjoyed it. She is getting to be that age where she's outgrowing the kid stuff, but there is still not much to do around here unless you're doing kid stuff. She had a good time, I think- and even won a Rubik's cube during the egg hunt. I'm so tired, I'm not making much sense. I'm still writing Bob McFadden, your old friend. Boy, he sure misses you and he really looked up to you and even idolized you. He was in awe with your knowledge of Macs- and even wanted to continue to friendship when you retired. But they all (Snyder and Bob) both understood your needs and wants to getting away from it all and being with family. But they did miss you. I've been emailing him. He seems very very nice. I'm so tired and I don't think I'm making much sense. Today was another pretty bad day for me. I cried a lot. I sent Bob a few pictures of us- mostly of you, though. I only sent him good pictures- but every picture you take is good. That smile of yours... and you'll be happy to know that Koi is looking more and more like you as they days go by. I'm going to lay down for a bit and then write you again in the morning, since I am so tired. I still have more to say, but I'm going to say it tomorrow (later today), ok? I love you to the moon and back. Until tomorrow, Jen <3

Hi, Dad. I heard from Bob McFadden again today. He seems like such a nice guy. He had wonderful things to say about you. He talked about how he was one of the ten worst writers in the world when he met you- and you taught him how to write, basically. He also said that he learned how to use a computer because of you. He remembered a time when he was having computer problems (something having to do with his bitmap in meltdown phase, and you urging him to get Norton Utilities, which saved the day- I bet you gave him Norton Utilities). You stayed up late with him, helping him troubleshoot his issues (much like you did with Nancy). He remembered that, and he really appreciated it. You really touched the lives of so many people. The folks you worked with all express one thing- they didn't want you to retire, and they missed you (I guess that's two things). I know why you retired- you were tired and sick of it all. You were tired of the corruption, and you wanted to enjoy what was left of your life. Little did you know that you would have even more drama with me and my shambles of a life after your retirement. Life is strange, isn't it? Anyhow, your friends all missed your terribly- and I believe them. Bob's daughter and husband live in Cary, so the next time he's in town, I'm going to have a coffee with him. I hope that is okay with you. I know how private of a person you are- and I promise not to talk about your business, ok? I know you enjoy your privacy, so I won't ever broadcast the intimate details of your life with even your friends. Pinky promise- gemai, gemai, uzutsku-nai. I hope I spelled that somewhat correctly. Anyhow, I'm sorry for not writing you earlier today. Mom and I had a whirlwind shopping excursion on the last day of Koi's school before her track out. We went to two Marshall's and then we came home around 12:30, I wrote Bob back (sent him some cute pictures of you and Koi and you and me), and then I went to Freddy's for me and MK to gobble before picki

Hi, Dad. It's early tonight- 10:50. Koi didn't want to go to dance class tonight, so we skipped. She ended up getting a hair trim, because I was worried about all the hair she's losing. I guess when your hair gets longer, it just looks like more hair, but it's really just longer hair. She still got a trim, and then we came home and I put some more blonde streaks in it. I think it looks good. We'll see what MK has to say about it tomorrow. Koi, I think, likes it- because she didn't sit still for the trim, and yet she stayed almost perfectly still when I was putting bleach in it. You used to say "Vanity, thy name is woman," and I loved you for it. Koi is a little woman. I think you started seeing some of that. I so wish you could see her now- and I wish so much you could be here when she reaches adulthood. I hope I make it. MK hopes she'll make it, too. We all worry about her. I know you did. We're planning, don't you worry. But for now, I need to worry about more prescient matters, as you would say (like taxes and that other thing). Koi is cranky- and I am wide awake, and honestly I feel like writing you. But I have to put her to sleep. You know she doesn't go down by herself. It's so exhausting sometimes. I know you really empathized with me. You always helped me- with anything and everything. You know how difficult Koi has it in life- and you know how hard I have it, trying to be a decent Mom to her. You always just "got" me. You still make me laugh so much with all of your sayings and phrases. MK and I were just saying something earlier that you used to say. Of course I can't remember right now (I'll post it when I remember), but it made both MK and I laugh so hard. I always go into your mancave at night, and hold Kat and Dawg Bears now. Sometimes I fall asleep even- until I hear "mommy??" from down the hall. Your "litter" is actually quite comfortable. I would love to sleep there, but Koi has other plans for me. Sigh. Well. Tomorrow is Koi's last day of school un

Hi, Dad. It's been yet another one of those days. I'm emotionally hurting. I'm physically hurting. My arm hurts. My ears hurt (I got them pierced again). My back hurts. But most of all, my heart hurts. Everything on me hurts. I cry, and nothing makes me feel better. I don't know why. Well, I do know why, but I don't know why I seem to be going down yet another downward spiral. I think perhaps it's the weather. We've had a cold front. Arlington National Cemetery, where your body is, was closed today due to the weather. I wonder if your marker is there yet. I check the uploaded picture of you everyday- and right now, it still says "photo coming soon." I don't know if you're in Arlington or if you're around us. Both? Neither? MK says you're around the house. Are you? I miss you so much. I talk to you everyday. I go into your mancave everyday. I was just there, as a matter of fact. I talk to you every night. I pray. I cry. I hold our bears, Kai and Kimba- or Kat and Dawg <3 I cuddle them. I haven't shown them to Koi, because I don't want her to take them. Aren't I terrible? Koi only had two more days of school until she tracks out for 3 1/2 weeks. That's not too bad. The spring used to have 6 week track outs, I thought. But this time, it's only 3 1/2 weeks. That isn't bad at all. And then she goes until June, only to return in July. I really dislike Track 4! But you know that. I remember when we all used to take trips as a family during track outs. I used to plan these elaborate trips for all of us. I felt like a bad parent unless we all did something wonderful for Koi. I'm glad we have those memories. But after I got remarried, everything stopped. And then your health deteriorated. Not too much, but you were out of breath just enough to not want to walk around amusement parks. I cannot say I blame you one bit. I finally lost the baby weight when Koi was seven, so I was finally able to take her on my own- to parks and stuff. But she always wanted you and MK to come alon

Hi, Dad. It's been one of those days. I miss you so much. It's the kind of feeling of panic. And uneasiness and disbelief. I still can't believe you're gone. I would give anything to see you on last time. I feel like I did so many things wrong when I was supposed to be caring for you. I made mistakes. I didn't call 911 quick enough. I have so much guilt. My therapist says you can have guilt w/o suffering. I don't know about that. I definitely have guilt. But you are the one who suffered- not me. I feel terrible about what happened. I wish I worked harder and did better by you. I sure talked a lot at the hospital, didn't I? But when you came home, I didn't do very much. That's what MK says- and I think she's right. I'm one step away from bursting in tears- for the entire day. I've been dozing off for most of the day- just tired and wanting to hide from the world. It's midnight, and I guess I'll join Koi in bed now and hope tomorrow is better. It's supposed to snow, but so far, I think it's rain. Knowing Wake County, they'll cancel school. Ugh. I love and miss you so much. Let me continue this in the morning, ok? I can't think very coherently. And I kept telling myself I was going to write something good. Something significant. And I am too tired to come up with anything worth reading. I love you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. To be continued tomorrow morning... Love you so much. I miss you so much, Love, G Kat <3

"I'm writing Grandpa up in Heaven," is what I just told Koi. I wonder if she understands. You always told me she understands a lot more than we give her credit. She's a smart one, but it's hard to extract that knowledge from her. Last night, she had molten lava poo- it was something. Luckily, I got lucky and she woke me beforehand (at 3:30am). I prepped the area with towels, so we didn't have a shitastrophy. But, waking up at 3:30, after going to be at 1:30- well, that wasn't enough sleep to make it to school- so we kept her home today. I got a lot done. They (the HOA) decided to change the pool fob system this year. So, you have to get a photo ID that corresponds with your address. Each person gets an ID (who is over the age of 14). The kids' ID's are optional as well- like if you had a teen who would come to the pool by him/herself. So, I doubt Koi will ever need one, bc I don't think she would go to the pool by herself. Who knows. Anyhow, I was the first person who got her ID. Yay. I also returned a couple of things, which I consider an "accomplishment" since I don't have to "eat it" as MK would say. Since I kind of had the afternoon "free" so to speak, I told a little white lie and told MK I was going to a doctor's appt. And I went to an appt. all right- an appt. to get a tattoo. This style is called "American Traditional" and I love it. It's my favorite piece on my body. I still have to go back on Saturday and get your dragon shaded. I'm looking forward to that, too. But this piece I really love. I got it with your nickname in it. I looked up "hindmost" and not much is written about your character. Very few people know the reference and apparently his name is ironic b/c he ends up not being a hindmost in the novel? I should really read the series, shouldn't I? It's from the Ringworld series, isn't it? I remember you talking about it. I need to read all the books you loved, starting with Asimov's Foundation. I read the Foundation series (well the first three) wh

Sorry- I fell asleep on your bed. Those two bears are magic- they make you sleepy and fall asleep 🙂 They were sleeping on top of me and I was snoozing in your daybed. I hope you don't mind. I miss you so much, Dad. It's almost 1am- and Koi is wide awake, singing, scripting, taking loud. Lord help me! I better get to bed so I can at least keep her quiet so she doesn't wake up MK. I hope tomorrow will be better. Today was really a sad day for me. I can't stop thinking about you. You are always in my thoughts- and in my mind. I wish I would have said so many things to you. I wish I would have done so many things for you. I wish, I wish, I wish. (And you know what- and see what comes first). But I have so many regrets and it's hard to move past them. I know you have forgiven me, because you have a heart of gold. But how can I forgive myself. I feel like I did the bare minimum when you were unwell. I was barely hanging on with all the meds. I rarely connected with you- especially when you came home. I had more opportunity to have quality time with you when you were in the hospital, just for the very reason that nurses were in charge of your medicines. But once you came home, I felt like a cat chasing its tail. I failed in so many ways. I still had Koi- who, of course, was tracked out. I feel like I still had to take her out, and yet I didn't have enough time with you. And I know MK just sat/laid down on the couch in the other room and did nothing. She says she talked to you- and I hope she's not lying. If I ever find out she ignored you- grrrr. I know you called out Nancy's name a lot. But I think it's because you forgot she lives in TN. Maybe you were calling for me instead? I tried to be there for you. I tried my best- but looking back, it wasn't good enough. I didn't know we had such a short time left together. I'm just so sorry, Dad. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart. I love you to the moon and back. I'll talk to you tomorrow (later today). I love you so much an

Hi again, Dad. Koi is in the tub. It's midnight. But the good news? She went poop, so that's one less thing I have to worry about tomorrow, while she's sleep deprived at school. She keeps saying "school is done" which tells me that she is ready for track-out. We went to "fresh park" today. Fresh park is Laurel Hills Park, and it's an okay park. They have a lot of adaptive equipment there, like an adaptive see saw, swing, and zip line. Koi was feeling a little sick (she no longer feels sick, though)... so we spent a little time there, and then grabbed some pizza at Brixx. That was our day. Nothing too eventful. Tomorrow, I am assuming it's a regular Monday, with Koi in school. I have a "nut doctor" appointment on Tuesday- the therapist, not the doctor. I also need to start your taxes soon. Very soon. I'm such a slacker. I also have to get your Form submitted, too. I'll do that after the N&O has published your stuff, etc.- for month (per the rules). Then we can officially be your Administrators to your Estate. What a red tape nightmare. You would definitely have something to say, that is for sure. Well- let me try to get Koi out of the tub. It's getting late, and I will write part III in a bit. I'm really dragging this out today, aren't I? Did I tell you that our new stuffed bears- their hands are magnetic, not sewn together? Right now, they are holding hands and hugging. They're on your bed 🙂 Love you, Dawg... G Kat <3

I'm just missing you so much, Dad. I received an email from Synde Rick after I emailed him. I sent him a picture of the last page of your will- that has his witness signature. I thought it was a nice blast from the past- from 1993. Even back then, you were always thinking about MK. Anyhow, I sent him that picture, and he emailed me back, asking if he could share your Interment video with Bob McFadden. I don't know/remember Bob, but his name does sound familiar. I hope you're okay with it. I do have a "good" vibe when I hear his name. He wasn't a part of another encampment that, perhaps, you wouldn't want your Interment video to be shared with. So I said "of course" and I hope you're okay with that. Anyhow, I love and miss you so much. It hurts so badly sometimes. Today has been hard, and I have no idea why. I don't know what triggers the painful times. It wasn't a specific date or day. But I just miss you so much. I'll write you again later tonight- once I get Koi either in the tub or out of the tub and in bed. She says she's feeling "sick"- just like every Sunday. I think she needs to go potty- again. So we have that drama to deal with, like most Sunday nights. There may be another enema involved 🙁 Anyhow, I miss you so much. I love you to the moon and back. I wish you could give me a sign that you are still around and you are watching over us. MK says she feels your presence, but I am struggling. I know that you have made a lot of things very easy for me- MK's pensions, taxes, paperwork- basically everything I've had to do for MK has been easy, thanks to your preparation and good mojo. But I wish you would send me a sign. Was it the German bears? Was that your sign that you are still here? The bears "Kai and Kimba" or "Kat and Dawg" are on your "litter" as you used to call it (daybed). I often lay on your bed at night and pray to you- and God. I hope you are somewhere. And I hope you are watching over us. I miss you so much. Love, G Kat <3

Hi again, Dad. How are you? Well, I'm writing early because I just need to vent. Sorry you have to listen to it, but you're still my best friend, and basically my only friend. I miss you so much. I'm fighting back the tears b/c of MK again. I feel so bad how you were never able to enjoy your retirement because of me and Koi being in your life- and you having to support us. So I did a good thing- I asked the IRS to abate all penalties and interest for filing late and they did. I went beyond that and asked the NC Dept. of Rev. to do the same and we found out they are going to issue MK a refund check for those penalties as well. Your Civilian pension finally went through- because I kept following up and I finally contacted the Director's office and got s*** done. When she first found out all of this good news, she was grateful. And I told her "well just remember how you're feeling when you threaten to kick me out, like you always do" and she laughed. Well tonight- something stupid happened. I took Koi to a dance class and Koi asked for pizza after class. I made the horrible mistake of recommending a pizza place that apparently made MK sick once. It's also a pizza place where the owner hit on me once. Who cares, right? He knows I'm not interested in him, plus, he's married- which makes him a creep and a loser. The strangest things make MK feel slighted. Because I forgot to recommend Brixx (a chain) pizza and recommended this other place, I know she feels like I somehow want to see this guy, which is the furthest thing from my mind. So now- zero gratitude about the penalty abatements and OPM pension. She said that it's all her money and I did nothing. I didn't earn any of that money, so I shouldn't act like I did anything for her. The irony is that you earned all the money- not her. But she's acting like she earned it. She did it all. And the abatements? Well it's her own money- that she paid. And getting her own money back isn't like actually earning money. So basically

Hi, Dad. I'm lighting your favorite color tonight, blue. I miss you so much. Today we took Koi to the park- she calls it "fresh park" but it's Laurel Hills park- right next to Crabtree Valley Mall Park. The turtle swing that she loves so much was just packed with kids- I asked her if she wanted to go on the yellow/single swings, and she usually says "No" but today she said "Yes.) Go figureI can't figure her out at all. Guess what? The NC DOR abatement came in the mail today. MK was all teese, but for just a quick minute. These days she's finding more and more reasons to be unhappy with the. Whatever, right? I do the best I can. But she's just been unhappy a lot lately. Of course Koi wants to get out of the tub now lol. I think I should start writing you so I can get her out of the tub. I shall return- in about 10-15 minutes. Love you, G Kat <3

Hi Dad. Didn't I say I would write you during the day today? Well that went over well, eh? I'm sorry. It's been one of those really busy and yet doing nothing types of days. It's midnight and I'm just sitting down. Koi had a late night unko and so I had to drive it to the gas station. You see- you did a LOT and now I have to do it 🙁 I miss you so much (well, not for those reasons, but you know what I mean). It just never gets any easier. Nancy wrote me today and I don't want to write her back. I mean, I do want to write her back, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid she will judge me about being sad. Sometimes she says things that are insensitive like "you can't bring him back so start living your life." Things like that- all it does it hurt me. It reminds me that I can't bring you back. And how am I supposed to just move on? It doesn't matter even if you want me to live my life and enjoy it. I can't. I'm not complete w/o you. I don't think I will ever get over losing you. It doesn't even get any easier. It's so very painful. My iPhone is almost full (the memory or GB, whatever it's called). So I was looking at attachments that I could delete. I saw a lot of videos and pictures of you. I must have texted them to Nancy. I couldn't even bare to watch most of them. It's too painful And Easter is coming. Every time there is a Holiday, my heart breaks even more. It's unbearable. I'm so sleepy. I took a little too much medicine tonight and I'm super drowsy. I need to take a rest, but I promise I will continue this tomorrow. It'll be Saturday, so I'll have time. I don't know what I did today when Koi was in school. Grocery shopping. Is that it? I'll tell you tomorrow (later today), since I can't seem to remember now. Koi and I walked around the neighborhood today and that was fun. I wish you and MK would walk around our neighborhood back in the day. Oh well. No sense in Monday morning quaraterbacking things. Even though that's my specialty. I laid down in your bed, in your manca

I'm back. I think it was way more than 15 minutes, though. Koi was having a quasi-meltdown getting out of the tub. Sometimes, as you know, things escalate. I went into your mancave and laid down on your daybed. Your "litter" as you used to call it. I put on some of your cream (hand cream) that we slickied from the hospital, and it reminded me of you. I somehow feel closer to you when I lay in your bed and put on your body cream. I asked you for forgiveness for all of the wrong decisions I made regarding your health. I was saying (in your room) that I was behaving as if your illness was a marathon- and I should have been acting as if we were in the greatest sprint of our lives. I thought I would have at least five more years with you, so I would take Koi to the pool, before I would come to see you at the Hospital. I always came- and I always came to see you twice. I can think of maybe one or two exceptions when I only came once- the one day I took Koi to the beach was one day when I only came at night. Also- when you were discharged in August, but then came back into Ward 6B (not 7B) for two weeks- I think I only came once a day, because you had a "sitter" at night- and I felt soooo cramped with them there. I just wanted you home at that point, and you did, too. I'm glad you were able to come home that Friday, instead of having to wait another weekend, due to some else's oversight. I' just glad we were together. I just wish I knew how to handle emergency situations. I was given training, and honestly, all I had to do was listen to you. Were you expecting an ambulance to come- or were you waiting for angels to come? I don't know. But your nurse said the angels were waiting for you (and she is a pretty grounded person, it was strange to hear that from her- which makes me want to believe her). She said you felt them, but could not see them. If Colleen is out there- and you can talk to my Dad- will you tell him how sorry I am for all the mistakes I made. I was a horrible

Hi, Dad. You've received more flowers! How lovely. You are blushing. I remember when you were in your hospital room for those long months- but you always had a smile on your face... especially when you had visitors (doctors, nurses, anyone). You were always such a joy. And the nurses absolutely loved you to pieces. They did. They used to tell me how much they loved your smile (and how much I looked like you, which was the biggest compliment to me)... they loved your sense of humor. They loved your jokes, and your positive attitude. I loved it, too. After your stroke, you did become a lot more positive. I don't know why. But you were still the same person, still funny as heck... but a lot more positive. Still sarcastic and hilarious, though! Okay, so as soon as I started writing, Koi started flipping out, scripting, and wanting to come out of the tub. I'm sorry to do this again- but let me continue this once I get her in bed. Give me 10 minutes- maybe 15. More in a sec... <3

p.s. I uploaded a couple of pictures in your "Dad" folder. I should change the name to "Dawg," right? I hope you don't mind. I know how private you are. But I am just so proud of you. You make me beam with pride. I love you so very much. <3

Hi, Dad. Your Secret Admirer strikes again 🙂 They have been sending you flowers, haven't they? You see, I'm not the only one who is taken by your smile, and your quick wit. I miss you so much, Dad. Today has been such a loooooong day. You know, it's one of "those" days. I didn't do much- only went to the grocery store. But I've been waiting and waiting for Koi to do her business, if you know what I mean. It's now midnight and I had to give her an enema, per MK's mandate 🙁 So now she is finally in the tub, and here I am. What a long day of waiting. And after school/fries, Koi wanted to walk to the neighborhood park. It's freezing outside- it was so painful. You know that is true love, right? When you freeze yourself so your child can have a good time. I remember you telling me about the time you took me to Mt. Fuji- and it was windy and cold- and I refused to leave the mountain. Apparently I threw a huge fit. I loved the wind, and I bet you and MK were freezing. I don't remember- but perhaps I remember bits and pieces of just being happy. So that is kind of like Koi, but everyday 😉 She doesn't seem phased by the cold weather. MK says she is too "chicken witted" (a MK special phrase) to notice the cold. I was so cold, going down those slides, pushing her on the swings, and carrying her broken kite- that broken Princess kite that she insists on me carrying, even though she doesn't really fly it. I also received one thing in the mail today- the Letter of Administration for your Estate. Now, MK and I can file various forms of paperwork on your behalf. Ah but there is a $120 fee. Always something, right? So I need to call and make an appointment yet again with the Wake County Clerk (Estates Division). I was there a few weeks ago, but the person I spoke with gave me the wrong forms to fill out. Doh! Luckily I was able to get the correct ones and fax them- but now I have to go in with a money order and pay them- just to have Letters of Administration. I hope it all works

My computer was having issues last night- here is what I wrote before going to bed. I'm just waking up now- so sleepy! Love you, Dawg <3 I'm back again. Koi's finally in bed. Not asleep, mind you- but at least she's in bed. I'm really hoping she'll go to school tomorrow- she should be okay with seven hours of sleep. She is like you- up all night and then loves to sleep from 8-10am. I miss those days. I miss going to the hospital at night and just being with you. I miss watching t.v. with you- thank you for always watching what I wanted to watch. You were so easy going. I was in your man cave just now- saying good night to you, as I always do. Saying a prayer. Going over all the things that I ask for forgiveness. Tonight- I asked you for forgiveness for not calling 911 immediately when you needed it the day you passed. I told you they were coming, but the nurses told me to say that. They told me that as long as your oxygenation was in the 80's, that you were "fine." So I waited and waited to call- until it was too late. I also didn't take you to the ER when you started to have your stroke. Since you had been to the ER twice since your fall, I didn't think much of it- I thought it was your ribs- not your head. So I waited until after I picked up Koi from school until I took you. Who knows. If I would have done things differently- more diligently- the outcome of your life could have been very different. It's hard to live with those kinds of consequences. I know it's not about me- but I mean it in the sense that it's about you- and your life was adversely affected by my decisions (and others as well). I ask you for forgiveness every night. I know you forgive me, because you are such a kind-hearted, gentle soul. You may have a "sharp tongue" as MK would say, but deep down, you have the biggest heart of gold. You were the best Dad in the Universe. I miss you so much. Nothing is the same without you. It's so hard. There is a big hole in my heart that only you can fill. I

Hi, Dad. Today was a "mental health" day for Koi. Wake County started school on a three hour delay from some sleet yesterday (I know, I know- that's why the south lost the war, as you would say- lolol!) Anyhow, I figured what is the point of going to school for less than three hours. Plus, she was sick last night with a tummy ache. I now know why she had that tummy ache. I woke up to poop- everywhere. She had cra**ed the bed and I literally had to cut off her pj's and wrap everything up and right into the trash. I'm just glad I had her sleep on a towel last night. Whew- it saved a lot. However, MK spent the entire day doing laundry, as you know. So that's what we did today, with food breaks to Chick Fil A and Brixx Pizza. I hope she doesn't get a tummy ache all over again! Lol. Anyhow my day has revolved around poo. MK received another notification from OPM about her account. I logged on for her, and checked her stuff. All looks good, I think. I am not sure about this Civilian insurance that you wrote about in your Survivorship document. I don't know if she has already received it. You can rest assure that MK will make me follow up on that. But for now, they *just* got her in the system (along with the VA and their DIC payments), so I keep telling her to just give it time. They know what they're doing, and once they have you in their system, they'll get it done. You just have to be patient. And Patience is one quality MK lacks, as you know... I miss you so much. Koi keeps watching that Jakers! scene when Dannen talks to her Grandma about her Grandfather (not being able to) dance. "Just like your grandfather! Just like your grandfather!" And her Grandma told her "noone had a heart as big as your grandfather- you remind me a lot of him." It's a very touching scene for a child's cartoon- and I know you know the scene I'm referring. WHY, pray tell, does Koi keep watching it- over and over? Do you think she knows what's going on? Do you think she knows you are gone, and

You are my angel, that is for sure, Dad. You have done so much for this family- even after your passing, you continue to care for MK (and me and Koi). Where do I begin? We received the DIC letter today from the VA. 100% service related death- combat related veteran death- diabetes and heart disease. All of your hard work, not to mention sacrificing your life for our Country. But all of you hard work in filing that disability paperwork years ago. It paid off- and it continues to do so. I would not take a dime if it would bring you back. MK doesn't understand that it doesn't increase the amount- it only makes a larger piece of pie tax-free. She'll get it eventually. Per your advice/instruction, I will keep an eye out for any future legislation having to do with DIC and it basically being a penalty on widows (I agree). But you did it. And you did it again. I am thanking you on behalf of MK. Because I don't think she fully grasps the magnitude of what you did, not to mention the sacrifices you made. I didn't write you earlier, because they dismiss school three hours early today (of course), because of some sleet (and God forbid) some light snow). As you would joke "no wonder the South lost the war." LOLOLOL. You still make me laugh, Dawg. I miss you so much. I cried so hard in your man cave today. I wish Koi was in school, but she heard me, and she kept trying to reassure me. I was in a bad place, because I was reading the "award" letter from the VA and it brought me to my knees. Again. I also found a previous award letter in the glove compartment (green envelope) that you must have put there, because it was dated February 2017- one month before your stroke. I took it and filed it with all of your other VA info and award letters. I have an accordion file for the important stuff. What else. I changed the batteries for all of the smoke alarms plus I changed the track lighting bulbs in the hallway. I bought cheap bulbs and half of them burst when I screwed them in (the

Hi, Dad. It was a cold rainy day today. I just fell asleep in your mancave where is was nice and warm. I miss you so much. We didn't do much today- got Koi some fries and that's about it. Glenn called and we talked for two hours. He, of course, called at 10pm- and with the "spring forward" daylight savings time, I am one tired Kat. Koi is, too. It's midnight-ish, and even though it's technically 11, it feels like 1am! Go figure. We were up late last night. I still can't get over how beautiful your Interment ceremony was. I'm so grateful we have it on video- plus pictures- that will last for an eternity. You are a part of history. You loved genealogy and history, and now you are an integral part of it. You made your mark on this country and with your family and friends. You accomplished so much- I could never even hold a candle to what you have done in your lifetime. I love you so much and I am so very proud of you. I have to cut this note short, because Koi is singing and I don't want her to wake up big bad MK, if you know what I mean. So, this is to be continued... tomorrow. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. I miss my Buddy. Love you, Dawg. Love, G Kat (p.s. I created an email address today: daughterofhindmost@gmail.com. I thought you'd get a kick out of that. I love you so much.

Hi, Dad. Guess what? Your professional photos and video were emailed to me today. They are breathtaking and so incredibly moving. Mom and I watched the video together and it brought us both to tears. Your Interment was amazing, and we were able to relive the experience. We have the whole moment captured on video forever and ever. It was the best decision we made. The photos turned out beautifully, too. You would have loved your send-off. Really. As MK pointed out, "even the horses look sad." I know that is something you would say. Horses are smart, right? It's like they knew what they were doing- and who they were carrying. Koi was well behaved. The eulogy went well, because I ended up reading Rick Snyder's letter to Mom. I added some of my stuff at the end, and actually managed not to break down in tears. It was beautiful. Our Funeral Director, Heather, is truly top notch, too. She made the drive from NC to VA at 2 in the morning so she could deliver you on time for the ceremony. I'm just glad we have your Interment on video plus pictures. Nancy doesn't think she looks good, but I think she looks beautiful as well. Reassure her for us, will you? Thank you for helping us and guiding us through the whole process of burial and taking care of all of your affairs before your passing. That was truly a gift to us. You are the best Dad in the Universe. I miss you so much. It's 3am- I don't know why we ended up staying up so late. I guess watching that video plus just taking a slow shower and Koi's bath took forever (and cleaning). I'm thinking about things and just hating myself. The day you passed you asked me to call an ambulance. It's something you said a lot- and we never knew if you really meant it- or if you were uncomfortable breathing. I think your nurse advised me even to not call 911 if your oxygenation was in the 90's- which is was up until the very end. But I hate myself to telling you a lie. I told you an ambulance was coming- and it wasn't. I didn't end up ca

Hi, Dad. I see your "secret" admirer has sent you beautiful flowers again. Gee- I wonder who she could be 😉 Whoever she is, she must really think you're wonderful, just like I do. It seems like every time I'm having a hard time, she knows- and she sends you flowers as if to say "it's going to be all right." I hope so. MK today acted like nothing was wrong (of course) and so the last few days have been incredibly challenging, but today it was as if nothing happened. I also kept my distance as much as I could- but she probably realized she was a "bit" harsh- although as a matter of fact, I don't think she has ever acknowledged being wrong- on anything. You know this, Dad. You're the only other person who knows all this. Even my nut doctor has mentioned BPD as a possible dx for her. She recommended a good book- I can't remember the title, but it's something like "stop walking on eggshells." I think I've already read the book, the title sounds familiar (that and "Will I Ever Be Good Enough"). I remember reading the checklist for the dx of BPD or maybe it was narcissistic personality disorder and you were like "that's not MK" and after I read the checklist, you were like "oh that's MK." Hahaha. I'll never forget that. You were very matter of fact about it all. I don't know why I keep dozing off. Sorry, it must be m meds. Remember when we used to watch t.v. late at night together? Those were some of the best times of my life. They were the worst of times, but also the best of times- simultaneously, if that makes any sense. You were going through hell at the Hospital. But the time we spent watching t.v. together was priceless. If only you had received better health care.Ugh. I wanted to wish you a happy evening and morning. I'm nodding off and not making much sense, and yet there is so much I want to write to you about. So I have a feeling I'll continue this tomorrow- during my morning coffee. 🙂 I would give anything to make you a cup with me. MK says you are here with u

I'm back, Dad. As long as she doesn't come looking for me, I'll be good. She's been sleeping on and off since we got home (since 8:30) and when she wakes up to use the toilet is when she comes looking for me to scream at me about this and that (why aren't I moving according to her schedule). Koi is still in the tub, so I need to tread lightly. I need to take her out in a few or else she'll wake up and yell at me. Oh joy- so much to talk about tomorrow at my nut doctor appt, eh? I miss you so much, Dad. I had some "gourmet" root beer from Louisiana today when I went to get Koi's pizza at Brixx. It was kind of funky, and I think it gave me the runs. But I thought of you, because you always loved a good root beer- especially if there was a scoop of french vanilla ice cream in that root beer. I miss you so much. I know I keep saying the same thing over and over, but it's just how my mind works. I can't stop missing you and thinking about how much I miss you. You're just everything to me. And the more of a turd MK is to me, the more I miss connecting with you. We had a bond like no other- and I think a lot of that was because we both lived in the same dysfunctional type of atmosphere. We both had our survival techniques, and even though you had a pretty significant stroke, you were still the same Dad, and you knew and understood me. I think you understood how my hands were tied with a lot of things I wanted to do for you. All I could do was bathe Koi as early as possible and head to the hospital so I could spend the night in that recliner next to you. I loved our time together, and I will say, even though she tormented me about it, I am grateful she watched Koi at nights so I could be with you. I really cherish that time we spent together, even if we weren't talking or bonding. We were just watching t.v. and sleeping on and off in the same room. But it meant everything to me. So I appreciate her for that. That's about all. She just thanked me for doing all the paperwork

Hi Dad. Guess what? Mom received a letter today from none other than Rick Snyder. Can you believe it? Your old sparring partner! He wrote a very heartfelt, kind, gripping letter to Mom (and me, since I read it, too). We were both in tears. Rather than read my eulogy that is all blubbery- I think I'm going to read parts of his letter. Because you were right- he *is* an eloquent writer, just like you. I know I can write decently, but his perspective is one that more people can relate to. Because you and I had such a special relationship, and I reflect fondly on that, I fear that my eulogy will not reach many people. Rick "the younger's" letter was so poignant- I think that not only can most people relate to it, but the time we spend reflecting on who are, will be much more "useful" since Arlington has us on such a strict schedule. Like, I think I only have about five minutes to say my eulogy. I told you the Chaplain told me that my eulogy is 2000 words long when it's supposed to be around 800 words. Thanks 😉 Anyhow, Rick was very heartbroken to hear of your passing. His letter really did bring tears to MK's eyes (and mine too). He lives in FL now, but that's all I know. He only left a snail mail address, and so I have already written him back. I have also enclosed your obit (that you wrote) plus two pictures- one with you and me and one with you and Koi. I just scanned them on the printer and made printable copies of them- just so I could enclose them in the thank you letter back to him. I guess he won't be able to come to your Internment ceremony this week, but I am hoping the letter will get to him before Thursday. I'll take it to the Post Office on Monday and see how quickly I can get it to him. So I thought that was pretty eventful today. When I was writing him back, I had to relive all of the guilt I carry with your (lack of) health care. It's hard to talk about it yet alone write about it. I promise I did not make the letter about me, but rather, I made the let

Well you know Koi. She's not listening to me, so I'm going to keep writing until she decides she wants to come out. Today was a difficult day for me, Dad. I found some papers last night. It was a folder from WakeMed dated March 7, 2017- one day after your stroke. You were in the neuro ICU and we eventually left after a week b/c they wanted to put you in a nursing "rehab" facility. We didn't have faith in them or the nursing facility, so we brought you home. But what I saw- it was hard to see. I saw like three papers with writing all over them. It was in your handwriting- your post-stroke handwriting. You still wrote very well and it was coherent. But unfortunately, I can't understand what you wrote. It kind of looks like in one spot you said "don't you worry!" and you had a lot of exclamation marks, too. Lots of W's as well. I'm keeping these papers, and I am going to make it a goal of mine to figure out what you were saying to us. It breaks my heart how I feel as if you were reaching out- and I wasn't listening. I'm sorry, Dad. I really had no idea to what extent the stroke did. Your personality was pretty much the same- only you were a bit nicer 🙂 I know you had trouble writing and reading- I knew that, although I didn't talk to you about it. Because- why? What's the point on focusing on what you can't do. Plus you taught yourself how to text and use the phone- I was astonished. You were such a smart, kind, generous man. I never really told you that. But you always played it really cool and never let on what a softie you were/are. But I knew. You were always so gentle and kind with me. I'm just having a tough time not understand what it is you were saying to us. It makes me feel really oblivious and heartless. If I could turn back the clock, I would just tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You meant the world to me- and you still do. God, I miss you so much. Koi is coming out- let me continue this in a few... love you, Jen/G Kat

Koi's out of the tub, boy what a meltdown she had when I told her she had to put powder on her butt. Sigh. Anyhow, I also have to put cream on her eyes, so that'll be fun. I went through your wallet just now and saw you still kept the Sprint receipt from last September of 2016 actually. Our lease payments are almost up. That means we will have the chance to own our phones outright after paying yet more exorbitant fees, but I think that's the way we're going to go. I want to keep the phone you used and Koi likes her phones. The only problem is that they still think we have Koi's iphone 6, so they either have it, or you sold it via a third party. Anyhow, I'll figure it out and make sure we can pay off the phones and switch back to AT&T (which is what MK wants). I need to make sure we can sign up with AT&T and have unlimited data- even if we don't buy new phones. Ah so much to figure out, but I have one more month on my phone and yours and two more payments/months with Koi's phone before I need to make decisions. Sprint will just put us on a month to month until we figure out what we're going to do. Anyhow, sorry for the ramble. So I was going through your wallet, and it was incredibly painful looking at all of your cardiology follow-up appointments that were never made. And you also had a nurse over in Cardiology at the VA also. I didn't know that. I never met her when you spent FIVE months at the VA- and the Cardiologist, well- we only met him for about ten minutes during your last day and half hospital stay. It's just really upsetting. And on top of things, Koi is cranky and not cooperating with her powders and creams, so I need to get going and watch her- so she doesn't rub the cream off her eyes, etc. You know how it is with Koi. I'm sorry, Dad. Yet another time when I can't spend time with you because of Koi. I regret the entire track out in October when I left you to take Koi to the mall or whatever. If only I had that time over again, I would have done nothing-

I forgot to light MK's candle- again! What's wrong with me? Two nights in a row. Oh I know why- Koi lol. She was really tired and cranky (and I was too). She didn't want to keep the powder on her butt and cream on her eyes (the usual- you know the cream for the eczema on her eyes and the powder for her diaper area). So we battled quite a bit last night. I wasn't very nice. You would have told me to stop, I know it. You were always Koi's buddy- her ally- her advocate. You loved her so much. I know she wasn't the nicest to you- and I'm sorry for that. She'd hear us argue and stuff, and I think she was trying to avoid conflict by keeping us all apart. However, that's the way we all talk, right? We're one big happy and dysfunctional family- but I don't think Koi knew it. She does love you- very much. MK said you and Koi had a "long conversation" when she was sitting in your wheelchair right in front of you. MK said she witnessed it- and she'll never forget it. I saw the both of you hanging out- but I guess I was "busy" doing something- who knows what. Anyhow, I'm sorry I keep forgetting to light MK's candle for you. It's the weekend now, so no excuses- I have the time, so I can't say exhaustion kicked in. I sure used that excuse a lot when you were home. And I'm really sorry. Koi wants to come out, so let me continue this once she's out. On "my" candle 😉 Love you so much, Dad. xoxo Jen/G Kat

I'm back. I've become you. I've started watching movie after movie. But for me, it's a way to numb my pain. It takes me away so I don't have to think about my life- about losing you, the most important person in my life. I feel so lost at times without you. Watching stuff on YouTube and Netflix just keeps my brain occupied so I don't have to feel the really difficult things to feel, you know? I was just in your room. It looks nice. I haven't tossed anything. The bedding is clean, your papers are organized- both on your desk and the stuff in the tupperware is "as is"- because you already (sort of) organized it. I've been through it all and concluded that it all needs to be saved- because it's all important. Your mail is arranged on your desk, minus the "current" pile that's on top next to your time machine. You were pretty organized, you know- I mean a lot of stuff was scattered, but everything had its place. I'll do my best to keep running the household as you would. I just wish we had the chance to talk- I mean really talk- before March 6th. I wonder everyday what those papers from Wake Med mean. There are three pieces of paper where you wrote all over them. I can't make them out. I just wonder what it all means, Dad. What were you trying to tell us? I'm sorry for not listening. You told me you weren't feeling well, and I knew that. I'm sorry for not listening- not taking you more seriously. I know we took you to the ER once or twice- but I should have forced you to stay overnight. And i certainly should have called or taken you in on the 6th much earlier than the stupid nighttime when I finally called 911. Just like on November 4th- I should have called 911 hours ago- when you were expecting someone to come. You asked me to call, and I thought you were okay. I basically cost you your life, Dad. And I have to live with that for the rest of mine. You were expecting someone to come, and I really thought you were going to be okay. The nurses all had me conditioned to

Hi, Dad. Today, you're a butterfly. You are a beautiful person, but your time with us on this earth was fleeting. To me, it wasn't enough. I still can't believe you're gone. It leaves a giant hole in my heart. I'll never be the same person again. I was reading up on these emails I subscribe to that have to deal with grief and grieving. Hold on. Koi wants to come out of the tub. To be continued... sorry. 🙁

Sorry about that. Koi's hair was all sticky from having soaked in a tub full of soapy water. So, I had to take her back into the shower and re-wash her hair (and condition it). She was not a happy camper- at all. Her hair still isn't dry- because it's getting longer these days- and MK doesn't like me to use the hair dryer too long on her (but I do anyway- I just didn't want to do it twice today, since she has eczema everywhere, including her scalp). Anyhow, I've been emailing Nance a lot lately. She's been a good friend to me. She understands the pain of loss- and she knew you very well- I would say she knew you even better than I did (or at least in a different way). She tries to help me and give me good, positive advice. I'm probably frustrating her, because I don't take much of it. It's hard for me to let go and not blame myself for things. I'm pretty stubborn, and I genuinely feel as if I did not provide you with good enough care while you were at home. I want to own that. But I also feel that the doctors did not give us any guidance in how to care for you. So much so, we had to have a nurse from the VA come once a week. I find it preposterous that you didn't even have home-based primary care. You were still on the wait list for it- and you needed it above anyone else. It's so frustrating- and it's too painful to talk about. I need to get myself together over the next two weeks, so I'm able to explain myself and converse like a regular person. I have so many emotions going on- grief, anger, grief, anger. They're both crippling at times. I just miss you so much. You mean so much to me- and I don't know if I ever had the chance to tell you that. I love you to the moon and back. I guess I should try to lay down- it's actually "early" for us- 12:30! But I'll try to lay down, since tomorrow is Sunday. I love you, Dad. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Luv, Jen/G Kat

Here is MK's candle for you. She's been frustrating me lately. She is grumpy probably b/c her joints are in pain. But she isn't a very pleasant person to be around, and we don't get along- at all. She is full of criticism and judgment and anger herself. She is full of blame- and most of that blame is shouldered by me. As you'd say, "I'm the fall guy." That's for sure. It's hard living with her- and if I didn't have Koi, I don't think I'd be living with her. Well, if I didn't have Koi, so much would be different, right? So I can't say that's a bad thing- it's been a blessing that's for sure. But I just wish Koi and I could live apart from her. I think it would be best for our relationship. But I've seen how helpless and clueless (and stubborn) she is in the ways of the world. She thinks things are a certain way- and she is so far off base, it's almost laughable- but it's not funny, is it? She thinks I can just crap out your taxes for this year, because "just use Turbo Tax." Oh, okay Mom. Must be nice living in her world. Well, thanks for letting me vent (not that you had a choice lol). It'll be okay. We used to have these talks- and I know what you'd say to me. She's not going to change- so just try not to take it personally. She is- who she is- and it has nothing to do with me. She's got her own issues. I never met anyone who is a better candidate for mental health meds lol. Anyhow, I guess I shouldn't be saying this publicly, but oh well. It's just been one of those weeks, where we aren't getting along, she's not been supportive or kind, and she's been very critical and blaming me for most things that are bad or wrong in our lives. Oh- but here is her candle. As I promised her lol. I love you so much, Dad. When I don't get along with Mom, it only reminds me what a savior you were to me. You were my everything- and you can never be replaced. It hurts so much sometimes, Dad. I'd give anything just to see you one last time. I better get to bed. Koi is starting to wo

Hi, Dad. I'm posting this "hands in prayer" picture, because I've been doing a lot of praying recently. I've been praying about February coming up, and I've been praying that things will go smoothly- meaning, noone will be sick and the travels will go smoothly so we can be 100% focused on your day. Nance is worried about someone getting sick, too. And I'm just nervous. I emailed a videographer in the hopes of capturing your day and recording it. I'm also going to ask about the possibility of getting a larger headstone. I thought only Generals could get large headstones, but when I was watching some internments at Arlington on YouTube, I saw Majors with large headstones. MK thinks they must have been "special" majors- but I think it's what you always used to say- money talks, and bullshit walks. So let's see how much the cost is "to look important" as you would say 😉 If you don't qualify for whatever reason, no biggie, right? Remember when I was little, I used to call those headstones "popsicle sticks"? Yeah- there's nothing wrong with having a popsicle stick. Right now, the popsicle sticks are limited to 15 lines- your name, your rank, the war you fought in, your DOB and DOD. And then you're allowed a couple of lines for personal words- like "beloved Father" which I fully took advantage of. I wish I could have said "my hero" but I know that's cheesy, so I didn't. I just said you are our beloved husband, father, and grandpa. I was out of characters by then! I think it's too late to get the larger headstone, now that I think about it- because I emailed the confirmation of the popsicle stick (and what we want it to say) on Friday. Figures, right? Raper's luck. But let's see what I come up with. We had a low key weekend. It rained cats and dogs today when we went out. I had to return the sweatshirt I bought at Marshalls today (from yesterday) because the zipper didn't work. We went to Freddy's (since Chick Fil A is closed) and got burgers and frozen custard- your favor

Well Koi is finally in bed. So I'm going to join her, but I wanted to light MK's yellow candle on your behalf to honor you, just like she wants me to- every night. I love and miss you so much, Dad. I'l be praying a lot until February- and in general- just to have strength and be a strong person for you. I love you to the moon and back. You are the best Father in the world. I was so lucky to have you as *my* Dad. You did everything for me, and you gave me the world. You were the absolute best. I love you so much. Love, Jen/G Kat and MK too (and Lil Kat) xoxo

I'm lighting a red candle b/c my eyes are burning lol. Koi has been up since 4am, so I thought I'd say a quick "good morning." Every time I wake up early, it reminds me of you- because you never slept at night. I don't know why. Was it anxiety? Or was it because your sleep cycle became switched being in the hospital for so long? I wish I knew- because that was the source of me being grumpy all the time- and I'm so sorry. I'll never forget what a jerk to you I was when it was 2am, 3am, etc.- and the times I treated you not with kindness. There's no excuse, because it wasn't your fault. I tried- but when I'm sleep deprived, I'm just a jerk. No excuses. I saw the times you'd actually call me in the middle of the night, too. And I swear- I didn't hear the phone ring- even though I was just in the other room. I have so many regrets, and my biggest regret is not waking up when you called and not getting up if I heard you and you called out my name- especially the day that you passed. I am thankful for spending most of the night with you that last night. But I don't think I did a very good job reassuring you that everything was going to be all right. I hope I did- because I honestly believed it would be all right. I'm sorry I went back to my own bed at 4am- until 7am- even though I knew you needed cleaning. No excuses- but the prior night, neither one of us slept b/c we were in the ER, and I just passed out. Anyhow, every time I wake up in the middle of the night b/c of Koi- I think of you. I look over to your hospital bed and I wish you were there, wide awake, like you always were, ready to greet me and say "good morning." Well. Good morning, Dad. I love you- and I'm sorry. I love you so much, and I would give anything to be sleep deprived with you in my life. I'll write you later, ok? I need to drink a gallon of coffee and get Koi to school. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat

Hi Dad. I heard from the videographer today. Good news- they're available for your Internment date. So we'll have your entire special day recorded in posterity. I've seen their work and they make beautiful videos. They'll make it available on the Internet for a year, and we'll be free to download it, post it, whatever we want to do with it. I know you have always been a private person, so it's not like I'm going to post it. But I just would like it as a keepsake. I don't know why it's so important to me, but it is. I hope you don't mind. I also got the name of a limo/sedan driver (for Aunt Nancy, Kim, Drew, and us), and a florist- so we (they) can decorate the chapel with flowers (nothing too fancy- Nancy had a great idea of decorating the chapel with carnations, so I'm going to "steal" that idea and try to do it. I'll be sure to call the sedan driver and the florist this week. We don't know what chapel it's going to be held, so it's hard to actually place the flower order as of yet- but maybe they'll know what to do. I still don't know what to do about the headstone thing- you know, in case we wanted a larger one for you. It looks like I'll have to call Arlington- and Heather (our Funeral Director) told us to be prepared to be put on hold! So I'll be sure to call them this week, too. I just need to find the time when I'm home and Koi is in school. I was out for most of the day today- since MK wanted me to go to Walmart and do the grocery shopping. Then, I had to go to H Mart and get mochi- and then to CFA to get chicken for her. Koi is getting so grown up. She misses you, Dad. She looks into your room, and I know she wonders what happened to you. When I tell her I'm going to "write on your wall" or "I'm going to light a candle for you" she doesn't say a thing (which means "okay.") Usually, she would say "no ____" because she doesn't want me to take my attention elsewhere. She knows something is up, but I am not sure if she comprehends what is going on. I don't know

Hi again. Here is MK's yellow candle. Let's pray that Koi will sleep until 7am tomorrow, ok? 🙂 It's 10:30 now- early for us! I hope we all sleep throughout the night. Today was rough! Mom says "hello" and she "misses you." She does. She can tell how much pain is in my eyes when we talk about you- and I can see it in her eyes, too. She is still stressed about February- but I think she'll be okay. I just hope we all have a good night's sleep tonight. Koi is calling me, so I guess I should go. I love you so much, Dad. You'll be with me tonight. Your heart and spirit surrounds me. I love you so much. Love, Jen and MK and Koi

A purple candle for being pooped! Koi only slept about six hours last night and she is still going strong 🙁 But I got a lot done today when she was in school. Florist- check. Limo/sedan- check. Videographer/photographer- check. Those were the three things I had to settle up before we go to Arlington with you. Do you want to hear something? Well, I called Arlington to inquire about purchasing a custom marker- you know, like the kind Uncle Bill has. Because it's not limited to Generals- I saw (from a video) that even a Major had a big headstone- so I thought- why not you, right? Well as of December 17, 2017, they are no longer allowing custom, private markers. Can you believe that? Talk about Raper's luck- it's almost unreal. I'm not upset too much, because I know you were never a flashy person, and you would probably cringe at the thought of having a large headstone. But it was something I wanted to look into. Not so much anymore. And it's like- you *just* missed the deadline for them allowing a private marker. I just had to kind of chuckle to myself. I can just picture you laughing and shaking your head, ya know? Well. That is that. Or "dat dat" as we would say. Mom is cleaning the house- room by room- in preparation for Chinese New Year. She also has the fridge stocked with mochi (yuck- I'm sick of them). And she's been drinking a lot of bubble tea lately- there is a coffee shop next to H Mart that makes them. I'm not a huge fan b/c they are creamy- like frappucinos. Anyhow, MK likes them, so we get them. I don't know if she's going to clean again tomorrow. I also got a lot done- the phone calls only took about an hour and a half. What took awhile was cleaning and organizing Koi's room. What a disaster. I kind of let it go ever since March (and before). So it's been a year. I think I just about have the room the way I like it- or rather, the way that maximizes space and still has a small path where you can walk around. She does have a lot of toys, but they're her

Hi, Dad. Just a pink candle tonight. It was kind of a hectic day today, even though I didn't do much. Koi's school was operating off a two hour delay. "Why?" you ask. Well, apparently there was supposed to be some "ice rain" at some point in the morning (although I never saw it), and "safety is of the utmost important to our students and staff in Wake County." And you would say something like "Christ- no wonder the South lost the war." And I would laugh and laugh. Because that's the kind of guy you were- you couldn't *not* be funny. It was impossible. 😉 So anyhow with Koi going to school two hours late, we didn't have much time to do anything. I took MK to Ross and TJ Maxx in Durham- it was the first time we'd been in Durham since going to the VA to see you. It brings back a lot of bad memories for us. And honestly, I never want to return. I also got the back of my head/neck trimmed, and I'm convinced that the VA lets a lot of older folks just die- because they don't have the resources to care for you. I got my neck trimmed tonight at Great Clips and the stylist there was telling me about her Daddy dying at the VA- from cancer they never tested him for. Sigh. It's too painful to talk about but I'm going to start start talking about it soon. And planning things. I told you I was going to honor your memory, and that is exactly what I'm going to do. It's just going to take time. I was going to go full on it when we return from D.C. but in my mind, I've planning a lot of it. Whoa. I nearly passed out- gee I must be tired. I'm standing up and typing and I almost fainted or something. I better go and lay down, but I wanted to say first and foremost that I love you more than anybody or anything. More than life itself- you are the most important person in my life and I would do anything for you. Your day is coming up and I'm starting to feel really nervous about it all- because that's just how I get. I will be okay. Lastly, I just miss you- more than anything. I'd give up

Hi, Dad. How are you? I am missing you so much. It's just difficult, and it's not getting any easier. As a matter of fact, it's getting more difficult, trying to cope with life w/o you. W/o you by my side- or me by your side. I was kind of your sidekick, wasn't I? I miss that. I miss our relationship. I was in your bathroom this evening, and I looked under the sink- I was looking for some refill soap (that wasn't there), and I saw your Q-tips, your shaving cream, with dust on the top of it. Little did I know March 5th would be the last time you really used anything in your bathroom. You weren't feeling well. So much so, you even returned to the ER twice after your fall at the Cheesecake Factory. But it wasn't the fall that caused your stroke. It was not having your meds adjusted accordingly after your pacemaker surgery. That's my opinion, and it's been affirmed by doctors I've talked to when you were at the VA. I'm sorry we "left" you so long at the VA. Your nurse said you were not stable until early August. And you came home near the end of August. I was worried. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to take care of you- so I wanted you to stay at the VA for an extra two weeks, so I could a) have leverage with them in getting all the supplies you needed asap (and boy, did they move quickly) and b) I wanted to learn how to do the feeding and the dosing of the meds (which they never really taught). I did learn how to do your G Tube stuff, but it was Colleen, your home nurse, who showed me how to give you adequate dosing with meds. But I think of all of these things, just from seeing your dusty shave cream cap and your half used Q-tip box. I use your bathroom all the time now. And I look at your soap- the last time you used it- it hasn't been touched since. Your shampoo, and the washing bin, when I washed your hands the day you passed. I'm sorry I was so exhausted, I left your side at 3am. Little did I know just twelve hours later, you would be gone from this earth- until I

Hello again, Dad. Well, it's late- but not as late as last night. And not as nightmarish as last night. Koi finally "delivered" if you know what I mean. And she is in the tub right now, but I'm about to try to pull her out. She still has a cold, so I don't think she's going to make it tomorrow to school. She still has a cough- and it's an "early release" day- which means I need to pick her up at noon. It's kind of pointless, right? Especially since she's not 100% feeling better. I have my "nut" doctor appt. at 11:15, so it all kind of worked out. Had I sent her to school, I would have had to cut out of my appt. early plus be late in picking Koi up and be "that" parent." So more news- Chaplain Murrell can no longer preside over the Internment Ceremony- now the Chaplain's name is Scott Foust. I don't know if he is a Captain in the Air Force or Army- or some other branch of service. But he actually told me my eulogy was double as long as it needs to be. Gee, thanks. I know that, but thanks for saying so! Sigh. So this is what I'll be doing this weekend- paring down a eulogy that has 2000 words (his words to me) into a eulogy that has 800 words. I still think it's easier to pare something down than to not have enough to write. I had no problems going on about what an amazing human being you are. I miss you so much. I have a huge hole in my heart from what you used to fill. I suppose you still fill my heart, but your presence has left a hole in my heart. A giant void. An abyss. An emptiness that noone can replace. Nance thinks that I may start to heal once you are laid to rest. But I think not. I hope she is right. But I don't see a burial as earmarking anything significant in the sense of my healing. It is significant in the sense that you will finally be laid to rest. And I know that is important- especially to MK. But for me, it doesn't matter where you are- you're not here, and that is what makes me feel so empty inside. I try to take it one day at a time, but I play

Hi, Dad. It's been quite the day. MK has been in rare form and so she's been baiting me all day and all night. Koi is sick with a bad cold, and I got a call from the school to pick her up. MK blamed me for Koi being sick- you know, the usual- not being able to bathe, feed, etc. her in time to get a good night's sleep (but we did actually get 9 hours of sleep!) Anyhow, she has a cold, and so I had to pick her up b/c she was coughing. She is supposed to have a field trip tomorrow, but it's to the Apex Library, and Koi says "no library!" and then they're supposed to all go out and eat Mexican food- which I know Koi doesn't like. So I think it best if I just keep her home tomorrow. On top of all of that, she hasn't "delivered" anything yet- and so I don't want her having a tummy ache at school tomorrow. So it's super late. I'm exhausted from having been verbally slapped around by MK, and Koi is wide awake and wired with energy. Where does she get it? lol. So I decided to post a Guardian Angel tonight, because I am yet again realizing that you were truly my Guardian Angel in life. MK sort of kicked me out of "her" house tonight. She said that after the Internment, I need to get out. And she was quite pleased when she said that "this time you won't have Dad to save you." Well, I'm sure you heard the argument. I'm sure you were listening and shaking your head (at least I hope you were) xoxo. It's ok- things happen for a reason. We'll see what happens. I kind of had a feeling she'd try at least to kick me out- once I did all the paperwork for her to get her pensions and insurance. Because after I do all of that for her, she doesn't need me anymore- she's set for life. I did a LOT of work, per your wishes, of course. I even made follow up cals for her- because she wasn't getting her $ fast enough lol. I did it all for her- because I know you spent your whole life taking care of her and sacrificing for her. And you really did sacrifice your life for her. You compromised your

Hi, Dad. Guess what? It's not midnight- not even close. It's only 9:30! Koi is out of the tub and in bed. She has a cold, though 🙁 No fever, but still- runny nose and sneezing. MK is in one of her moods- she's been at me all day, since the morning. I think she must be feeling the stress of next week. She is just livid with me- with everything I do. I'm used to being around people, like her, who literally treat me like they hate me, so it's not a big deal. I woke up to her yelling at me, and I went to bed with her yelling at me. When Koi gets sick, she always feels the need to blame me and my parenting. And she thinks I keep her in the tub too long. I don't "keep" her- she stays herself. But anyhow, I'm not here to complain (too much). But when MK is in her moods, it makes me miss you all the more. Because you were always my "safe" person. You were my savior. You were the rational, sane one. I could always go to you when I had a problem, and you would help me- very pragmatically. Sure, you'd be upset, but your emotions would never be overridden with any sort of inability to parent me. At this point- I'm 45, so it's not even parenting. Oh- and after my doc appt., I was late to the Subaru garage- and she yelled at me all the way there. But even we were late, they still let us show up- and they fixed the burnt out light. The Durham Fwy was completely backed up due to construction- and the garage was very understanding of that. Much more so than MK. Anyhow, I hate driving towards Durham b/c it reminds me of me driving to the VA to see you. And as much as I loved visiting you, it reminds me of you not being well. I just wish I had known how sick you really were. I guess I downplayed everything- for the both of us. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that. If only I had known you were very very sick- I would have done a lot of things- differently. But I won't get into it right now, since Koi is waiting for me, and I just know if MK hears me typing, she'll limp on o

Hi, Dad. Well, it's not midnight for once. Koi actually got in the tub early- like around 7:30 or 8 (I can't remember). She's still in the tub- but she's getting ready to come out. She had a... you know- "explosion" earlier. So she had to take a bath asap. I'm just hanging out- waiting for my turn. I don't think there will be any hot water left, but that's ok- I know how much you hated our small hot water heater! I'm sorry for all the times MK blamed you for using all the hot water. I know you didn't use it! But you know MK- she has to blame someone for something. She was so angry with me this morning- because Koi's eyes were red and flaky from her eczema. I told her I put her rx cream on the night before, but you know MK- I didn't do a good enough job. And when Koi has red, flaky eyes, it's a reflection on my parenting. So she was so po'ed with me for hours- until I actually fixed something. Well, I didn't fix it- but I replaced your toilet seat. You know how it was hanging by a thread? Maybe you don't- because I think I am the one who broke it. It was hanging by a thread, and then finally it came completely off yesterday. So I bought a new one from Lowe's and replaced it myself. THEN, Mom liked me again. And I tried to fix my toilet- after talking to a Lowe's employee. I've tried to fix it in the past, and he told me I put that $2 red band down too low on the plastic dome thing that's inside the toilet tank (it looks like an upside down cup inside these Mansfield toilets). Anyhow, I fixed the red rubber thing, and then the handle broke! For the second time! So I went back to Lowe's and bought a couple of extra handles- and replaced it yet again. My toilet seems to be working, but I swear I can hear- oh so lightly- the sound of it running. I'm not sure. So I may end up just turning it off again and calling a plumber. I'll do that when we get back from Arlington. Tomorrow, Mom and I have to go back to Subaru, because Koi's top light burnt out, and the replacement li

Hi Dad. Well, here it is- 12:30 yet again, and Koi is in the tub- and it's a school night 🙁 We had a problem with her "plumbing" (it was a little backed up), so that brought us behind schedule. Plus, I was out for most of the day getting my commemorative ink for you (well, for me, but it commemorates you). It's a dragon, because you were born in the year of the dragon (Chinese Zodiac). It's not finished yet- the linework is complete, and the shading will be finished next month. I should be healed up in time for your Internment. I never received the email from the Chaplain, which leads me to believe she may have gotten my email address incorrect. I checked my junk mail folder, and I don't see anything. That's ok- I will call her tomorrow and send off my draft of your eulogy. I talked way too much. It's double of what it's supposed to be (four pages over two). What can I say? It runs in the family? 🙂 I miss you so much. As I reflect on your life, I'm humbled by your experiences, your contributions, and the magnitude of your presence on this little planet. You left a great mark and so many people are better and richer for having had you in their lives. I think I am your #1 beneficiary of your greatness- because every single thing I do isn't influenced by your personality and existence. What would Dad say? Oh, Dad would comment (insert something hilarious yet true). Everything I do is a reflection of you. I promise I will honor that and live my life in a way that will make you proud. I've really struggled these last few months- and it's not getting any easier. Who said it would? But I promise I will stay on track and live my life as I should. I can promise you that. I know you tried so hard to get me on the right path in life- and I won't detour from all of your hard work. I've been writing your eulogy all weekend, and I really am in awe of all of your accomplishments. I can't even discuss them- because I don't have time. I don't even have time to gloss over them! But

Hi, Dad. I haven't been lighting MK's yellow candle lately, have I? I'm sorry about that. I've been so sleepy at night. I think my nighttime meds really wipe me out. Or maybe I'm just tired. It's late tonight- Saturday night- and I'm about to pass out. But I have to wait for Koi to get out of the tub (it's like Groundhog Day- same thing, every night). I wrote your eulogy earlier today, and emotionally, it really wiped me out (i.e. made me really emotional). You know how I am- a mess. And you taught me well- I wrote a lousy rough draft, and then I honed it- and then I honed it again. I need to do... maybe 2-3 more edits, and then I should have a viable piece. I wrote it from the heart- and I pray and hope and hope and pray I don't break down while reading it. MK thinks I will. She thinks the Chaplain will have to finish it for me- but I'm going to try really hard to prove her wrong. I even practiced a little today- reading it out loud, and not crying. But there are parts where I get a little emotional. I have a feeling I will end up crying- but let's hope not. I have a 2 page limit, and I've written three. I guess being verbose runs in the family. But I will say that you taught me well. I think I write pretty well and it's all thanks to you. You are an incredible, amazing person, Dad. And having the opportunity to reflect and actually write something that captures just a glimpse of the man you were- well it's an honor to do so. And I'm glad you didn't write one- because you sure wrote your own obit! So- thank you for giving me this opportunity. It is truly an honor. I'm going to not light another candle tonight and try to get Koi out of the tub. I need to sleep and I have an all day appt. tomorrow. Shhh- it's a secret, but I'm getting a commemorative "something" inked up. I've been planning it for years- so I'm finally going to do it. I initially was going to do something honoring both you and MK- but now, it's all you. I want to do something that will remind me of y

Hi, Dad. TGIF- and a green candle to boot. I'm so tired tonight. Koi hasn't been sleeping very much this week, especially the last three days. I'm so sleepy, because you know how much sleep I usually "need." That's why I was always so grouchy towards you. Because you never needed much sleep and I was the opposite. And I really feel terrible for not always being there for you. I'd often sleep right through your texts. I think about that every night. All the times I've let you down. When you called for me, and I slept through it. I tried. But I didn't try hard enough. I'm sorry. I love you so much. We received a call from an Air Force Chaplain- Amber Chambers, I think is her name. Turns out, she does want me to deliver a eulogy after all. I was under the impression there was no time for things like that. But I will be delivering one- and she instructed me to time it to about 6 minutes, or, two written pages. So I'm going to work on that this weekend. She wants to be able to edit or review the written copy, so I promised her I'd have it done by Monday. You think I can do it? Of course I can! I learned how to write from the Master! Koi is finally getting out of the tub, so this is going to be another short note- I apologize. Tomorrow I'll be able to write a better quality "hello" to you. I'm just so tired- I feel sickish (just from being tired and eating too much candy- I know you know that feeling). I miss you so much. It hurts so much, Dad. It's never going to go away. I don't want it to- I want to feel the pain, but I wish I could manage it better. I try to carry on and just go through the motions. But my life isn't the same w/o you. I'm going to take Koi out- and tomorrow I'll begin working on your eulogy. How on earth can I summarize seventy-seven years of greatness in six minutes? I guess I'll figure it out. You are a great man, Dad- and you will be celebrated. We let the Chaplain know what a great, giving, selfless man you were. You always put your family

Hi Dad. Well- another day functioning off about 6 hours of sleep, so you'll have to forgive me in advance b/c I don't think I'll be making much sense. I've noticed that periodically someone sends you flowers- but I have no idea who this person (these people) are. Is it someone I know? Is it your sister? Is it one of Koi's friends? I just have no idea. But it shows you how loved you are and how you have touched so many people in your short life. Yes, short life. You did not live ver long in my book- you should have lived at least another decade. And I'm just having a really difficult time reconciling that. I have so much anxiety, anger, and sadness inside of me. No therapy in the world is going to help- but I go through the motions. I just go through them. It's really unbearable sometimes, like today (and yesterday- although I was very busy yesterday and therefore somewhat distracted). I miss you so much. I decided to return the cross necklace and the "to the moon and back necklace" and purchase a "miraculous medal" necklace, since Amazon is having a sale. It's a beautiful (small) necklace and I will have your pastor bless the necklace. That way, it will be so special to me- and I'll wear it, thinking of you each and every day. Anyhow, so that's my latest plan. I don't have much else to share today. I tried to call OPM to help MK follow up on things, but they are having "technical difficulties" and their phones have not been working all week- no joke. So I spent the day running errands for MK. She wanted me to find pajamas for Koi- so I did that. I brought MK home a bubble tea, too- she liked that. I called the garage and scheduled the 4 point inspection/check up for tomorrow morning. That way, the Suub will be in good shape for the trip up to Arlington. We lucked out- they had a cancellation- b/c they were booked until the last week of Feb. Maybe you had something to do with it? 🙂 I don't know. I also returned two purses I got the other day- one for me, and one for

Here is MK's boring yellow candle with a "less is more" message. She says "Happy New Year" and I think that's about all she's said lately. She hasn't said very much. I don't know how she is faring. I cried today- because we needed a mattress protector for Koi's bed- and your hospital bed had one. So MK gently took the sheets off to get to the protector, and of course I broke down. I made sure the blankets were exactly how you left them, including your pillow, which still has your head imprint on it. But it caused me to cry- a lot. Mom just left the room. No attempt to hug me or comfort me. She is back to her "I could care less" self. So there's that. I was okay, not to worry. I got the hospital bed back to how it originally looked with you in it. Your head imprint is still there- as are the sheets. They are not to be touched- ever! I'm sure there will come a day, but that day is not today. I'm not ready to let go of things, possessions. I never understood how you could clean out someone's room so quickly. I want to remember you. Your man cave is going to stay exactly how it was. The only thing I will do is go in and dust it, and make sure there is printer ink and paper. Your man cave is a host of information and knowledge. Sure, it looks like the bat cave, but there are all kinds of goodies in there. I will keep it pristine- you have my word. Anyhow, I should try to get some sleep, as I need to wake up early tomorrow for my "nut doctor" appointment. Koi keeps saying "no nut doctor." Sure, Koi... sure. I love you, Dad. To the moon and back. Infinitely. xoxo Jen

Hi, Dad. How are you? I thought I'd light a green candle today- green is one of my favorite colors (not yours, though). I know you like blue- and you look very dapper in blue, too. Your coffin is actually blue- MK picked it out to match your uniform. Today was difficult. First I had therapy. Then, Dr. Ntrepko's office called and called us, trying to schedule an appointment with you. I had to tell Melanie, your nurse, that you had left us. She was really upset. She told me "I really liked your Father. He was so funny and kind. I am so sad" (or something to that extent). You touched so many people, Dad. I know you were a bit of a recluse in your retirement- but the people you did touch, loved you very much. The blonde from La Farm- Annette (the "good looking blonde" as you called her lol) misses you every day. She gives me a great big hug and I can see tears in her eyes. So of course tears are in my eyes, too. Right down to the UPS people- the were shocked when they asked me how you were doing. I think your passing shocked a lot of people. I told Melanie how you weren't ready to go. You were full of life and wanted to live. That just made it all the more heartbreaking. You know, when you body is one way, but your mind is another. Despite the brain bleed, your personality was intact- and you were funny- hilarious (more hilarious, actually). I miss you so much. I hate having to tell people. I hate it more than anything. Therapy was ok- I was honest with her and told her that I didn't think DBT was for me. She was appreciative of my honesty- and, of course, wants to still "work with me." I told her that if I followed the tenants of DBT, I wouldn't be me. And so much of me is like you- and I like that about me. I like being like you. Anyhow, not to switch gears on you, but I caught whatever Koi has. I have the chills and I feel terrible, so I may have to cut this short. I'm watching Netflix- and they are always recommending movies for you. It's hard. But I think I may che

Here is MK's yellow candle. She ordered some pants for your internment, so she was really "happy" (content is a better word) that they fit. She ordered them from J Jill- and they have petite sizes there. So she bought- not one pair- but three pairs of pants for the funeral, because--- hey- everyone needs three pairs of pants for one ceremony. And then she had me go back on their web site to order more, but they were sold out (darn lol). Never fear- we ordered more "casual" pants for the spring. It makes her happy, and like you used to say, she never asks for much. She's been busy cleaning and trying to take care of both me and Koi (being sick).... meh. She tries. You gotta love her for it. Koi is in bed and I'm going to settle in with her. It's super early, but Koi was up really early, wanting "a Sprite." So let's hope I can get a decent night's sleep. I love you to much, Dad. You are my world- my universe. Until tomorrow, Jen (and MK) xoxo

Mom: "miss you. It's very cold here." She's right- it's colder than heck here- like below freezing temps. I think it snowed for a little bit, but Koi and I have been quite sick- we've been in bed since last night, only to get up, eat some rice, shower, and then go back to bed. Mom heard me typing- so she said to me "oh are you going to write him a long "It's very cold- 1967 from Hampton VA to your home in Wheeling (Christmas) then went to Monterrey CA- when we crossed the United States in the snow- it reminds me of 1967 here. It's very cold. Very cold here. I think we took Route 40. And when we arrived to California- ta daaaa! It was like a movie- amazing. Flowers were blooming. It was simply amazing- by the Pacific Ocean- really like something out of a movie. That was the best trip we ever took. The rest were just airports." I'm really glad MK shared that memory with you (and me, inadvertently!) Brings a tear to my eye. She told me that she is reminded of that trip because it was around the same time of year- around Christmas time. I keep forgetting that the two of you had full lives before I was born! Seven years of being free from me, right? 🙂 Well, I hear Koi moving, so let me check on her and I will write you with my (non yellow) candle. Love you, Dad! Love, Jen

Hi again, Dad. I really liked that story Mom told us- that was a nice memory the two of you had. I miss you so much. We were talking about you a lot today. We still can't believe you're gone. MK was backtracking and was going through all the things she could have done differently (like not moving to NC- would you have had better health care up in Bethesda?) It was one of the few times where MK was trying to backtrack and she was really condemning her own decisions to move to NC. I felt badly- because I don't want her to carry that burden on her. If anything, it's my fault for all of you moving to NC. Had my life not fallen apart (the first time), then you would still be happily living in Burke- maybe Vienna by now. And it just makes you wonder if you would have had access to better health care. Teaching hospitals are great and all- but when your medical team is a revolving door of students- how can they build a meaningful repoire with you and your medical complexities? I know they tried very hard- and according to your nurse, Colleen (who I 100% trust), you were getting the very best medical care the VA could offer. But these kinds of issues are endemic within any teaching hospital. So these are the things MK and I think about- because we miss you so very much. It's too painful to think about often. MK and I just sort of looked at each other today- and we would try to talk about it- but it was too painful- so we just ended up mostly just staring at each other, with tears in our eyes. MK said she would have done "everything" differently had she known. I had no idea she felt this way- but she wouldn't have moved to NC at all had she known. Again, I know you moved to NC for me- because back then, I was talking about going back to school to become a law librarian. And NC has so many great state schools. Again, you sacrificed your future for me. I didn't even end up going to school 🙁 Koi's diagnosis kind of changed our lives, didn't it? But I'm not trying to express any

Hi Dad. Not very much news today. Koi and I are still sick. We must have caught one heck of a bug. We slept for 14 ours- again, give or take. You know Koi wakes up every 2-3 hours, but cumulatively it was around 12-14 hours in bed, which is killing my back. Anyhow, Koi told me this morning "I not sick anymore" but by the end of the day, she was cashed. She started looking woozy again after her bath (last night, she kind of passed out for a bit after her bath- no idea why- either she may be anemic or from not eating very much since Saturday). Either way, the good news is that she did not pass out today, plus she ate a pretty big plate of spaghetti that MK made her. No- not homemade meat sauce like you love- but mostly box noodles and a smear of jar sauce. I bought us a baked turkey and we had turkey sandwiches. It wasn't very good- and MK, of course, told me "never" to buy that again. Oh well, right? They were out of mandarin oranges, too- and I thought I was going to catch hell for it- but MK ended up loving the mini oranges I brought back. It's so random with her! You just never know what's going to set her off, and what will make her happy. You'd think after all these years I'd know- but I haven't a clue. Anyhow, I'm really pissed because the necklace that I ordered, saying "I love you to the moon and back" didn't arrive today. Amazon- those bastards. It's just sitting at the post office, so I guess I should say- USPS, those bastards. I also ordered a toy for Koi- and of course that didn't come, either. We are experiencing below freezing temps here in NC- and (of course) school has been cancelled all week. You would laugh out loud- because I know how you used to walk to school (with holes in your plastic shoes) and back- four times a day (because you came home for lunch)... also with just one coat and holes in your socks. I know, I know, we're all a bunch of whimps, aren't we? They don't make men like you anymore, that's for sure. I saw an old fellow park in Veter

Here is MK's yellow candle. She "sniggled" off to bed, so I have no idea what is on her mind. I think she woke up early, so she was yawning quite early. I'm sure she's been thrilled this whole week- since Koi and I have been sick, she has been able to literally do nothing all week except lay on the couch and watch YouTube. I have to force her to help me with Koi- you know, by pushing her to "please give me a break." I know if I lived alone, I wouldn't have any help, but I don't live alone- and spending 14 hours in bed with Koi is no fun. It's like sleeping with a very large, kicking fish. So yeah- I tell her to help me out. She'll go and check on Koi throughout the day- once. Maybe twice. Oh and she does laundry- or "beep" with the button as we used to say 😉 Okay, I'll stop razzing her. I'll probably realize how much she did one day when she is gone. But for now, I am obsessed with how much you did for us. I knew it when you were still with us, but it's only now do I have such a deep appreciation of it. You did put your family first. And I hope you didn't hate us too much for it. I know you did it from your heart. But I also know you had lots of hopes and dreams- to travel, to research ancestry and genealogy- and you were never able to do that. When you were in the hospital, I wrote you every day- on the whiteboard you had. I outlined what I was doing when I wasn't with you, and when I would come and visit you. I don't know if you ever read the notes- but I know you tried. But the main point of those notes was so the nurses would read them, and when you asked questions, regarding where I might be, they would answer them. I hope they did. I'm sure they did. I know words did not come as easily for you after March of this year, but you still had 100% of your wit, charm, and personality. And you retaught yourself how to text me, which blew me away. You amazed me everyday, Dad. You are such a fighter. And God, I miss you so much. It hurts so much to feel your loss. I wi

Do you like our new necklace? It finally came in the mail- gosh it took forever. Whatever happened to "Prime 2 Day" shipping, eh? I waited almost a week (plus it was delayed because of the "snow")... Anyhow, I am so thankful it arrived, and I have been wearing it since. I say "our" necklace, because I'm going to attempt to give it to you during your internment. But if your coffin is sealed shut, then I won't be able to (and I guess I'll end up holding onto it). Either way, one of us will have it forever and ever. I know this isn't something we used to say to each other when I was a child- but it was something I wrote you every day/night on your little white board at the VA Hospital. So it's me- but the saying reminds me of you. I ordered this pendant (because there were lots of pendants with this saying on it), because it was small- and I like small jewelry- I hope you do, too! I miss you, Dad. I look at this necklace, and at first I cried. But now I am starting to smile. I love you so very much- words just cannot express how I feel sometimes. You are my very best friend, the best Father in the Universe, and just all around, my favorite person. You taught me more about life than any of the (many lol) degrees you paid for (sorry!) I love and miss you to pieces. And I love you infinitely. Koi is asleep- she is still sick-ish. It's going on day #7, can you believe it? I'm going to join her in a few (after I post MK's yellow candle). But I hope you like the necklace, and I will talk to you tomorrow. I love you so much. xoxo Jen/G Kat

Sorry for the delay in lighting MK's candle for you. I was charging Koi's phone and I saw that I had a VM message. It was from my nut doctor about my labs. So I freaked out a little, but given I've done absolutely nothing wrong, it's going to be okay. I just hate it when I receive messages on a Friday and I don't call them back before 5pm- I have to wait all weekend to speak with them. Anyhow, so I spent the last hour getting on the patient portal (at least I finally figured out how to do that), and I was printing out my medical records and labs in the past, as a point of comparison, etc. It does seem like I have a high level of meds in me, but since I've been sick this week (and have not taken as much medication), I'm sure if I go back in on Monday, the labs will be "normal" once again. I've just really been struggling trying to deal with your loss- so I am taking the anxiety meds as prescribed. But before- I basically tested negative for them, because I only took them once, maybe twice, a day. Now I take them three times a day- because I have nothing to do but worry and miss you so much. But that's on me- not you. It's up to me to make this right, and I will. I need to find positive, more productive outlets for dealing with my stress, rather than feeling sorry for myself. So on that note, I better join Koi in bed before she wakes up. She is still sick and has nightmares unless I'm next to her. I love you, Dad. You are my best friend in the whole wide universe, and I love you to the moon and back. Gosh. I'd give anything to see you again. I love you so much! Love, Jen/G Kat

Hi, Dad. I thought I'd like a green candle tonight for you. Green is one of my favorite colors- not sure why, but it is. Today was all about you, as you know. Mom doesn't want me to talk about it too much- but she did see that Cardinal... and well, you know the rest. Shhhh. But she really does feel as if you are here with us- that you are watching over us. I'm so comforted by this. Because she is one of the most skeptical people I know (besides you lol), and for her to believe, then it makes me believe. You know how much I really needed you, I guess. And you made yourself known- to me at least. I felt your presence today. I did. It was short- but it was enough. I am grateful for it- and you. Thank you. I miss you so much, Dad. Koi and I are starting to feel better. Koi now is sneezing constantly and has a runny nose, which is gross. I have a sore throat and I'm just kine of listless. We both sleep for 12 hours, and then we both took a 3-4 hour nap in the middle of the day- until 9pm! I barely had time to shower- only to go right back to bed. Tomorrow is a new day- and I am wondering where will you be? Will you be here- or elsewhere? So many questions, I know. But I do want to thank you for being here today. We both felt you- in different ways. We felt your presence and your love. MK actually had tears in her eyes when she told me- and you know MK- she never had tears in her eyes. I'm a constant mess, but I try not to break down as much these days. I just save it for when I'm alone. That way, Koi and MK won't have to see me. But I did interrupt Koi's french bread pizza with some tears- and the mail (as you know). But I told her it was "happy" tears, which it was. I took care of Mom, not to worry. She is situated, ok? I promised you that- I don't know if I explicitly promised you that I will always take care of Mom... but I will. Despite the fact we are like oil and water, that is my commitment to you. I'll always honor you- because you are the best Dad in the univers

Here is MK's candle. She had a big day- she felt you communicating with her. Like "I know how much you love 'this and that' so here ya go." Am I right? She was much appreciative. She had tears in her eyes. I didn't hug her. She doesn't like to be hugged. I like hugs, but that's ok- I get them from Koi- a lot. We are both finally on the mend. It's been so slow. This flu virus has been horrible- the flu shot does not cover this year's flu. Great, right? Makes me so heartbroken. You had both the flu and pneumonia shots... and you didn't make it to flu season. Honestly I flip flop from sheer heartbreak to anger. You should have been here, Dad. You should have made it. Your last week was wrought with two hospital visits- and a short hospital stay. I can't help but feel like that in some way contributed to your demise. I am so angry. But most of all- heartbroken. I miss you so much. It's just not fair. I know you used to tell me "life ain't fair, Jen." And I know that. You know what they say- only the good die young. And you were young. It's just not fair. I love you so much. You will always be my everything. Mom loves you, too- that Grinch heart actually grows lol. She misses you so much, also. Until tomorrow- we both love you- to the moon and back. Miss you infinitely... Jen (and MK- and Koi who just started snoring lol). <3

Lots of bird imagery today. So, I'm sending this dove for you. It's not a red cardinal, but it'll do, I hope. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. Miss you so very much. xoxo Jen

Hi Dad. Feeling like mixing it up a bit on Sunday and presenting you my heart. Because you are my heart. I'm still wearing the "I love you to the moon and back" necklace. Nancy thinks I should keep it, instead of trying to give it to you in February. Well, we'll see. I really want you to have it. So, we'll see. Not much happened today, besides the fact that the three of us were able to finally leave the house, after about eight days. Can you believe it? Mom now seems to have caught what Koi and I have/had- so she is coughing and sneezing now. I'm coughing, and Koi has a runny nose and is sneezing. Never a break, right? But we all did go out- we dumped a bunch of trash, and then we ordered from an Irish Pub (next to H Mart), fish and chips (it wasn't very good). Koi ate the chips, and I helped MK with the fish, plus I also ordered bacon cheese fries for myself. It wasn't bad at all. That's about it. I also got gas, because I remember you always telling me to never leave the tank less than 1/2 full when the temps go below freezing (which they have been and continue to be). Aside from leaving the house briefly, we really didn't do much. We'll also try again- although we'll try harder and research all of the options. I'm pretty woozy and sleepy for some reason (maybe no nap?) so maybe I'll have to cut this short. I love you so much- and miss you immensely. I love you to the moon and back. I have no idea why I'm so dizzy and crazy tired. But, tomorrow's a new day, right? And a new week- hopefully nothing bad will happen and things will continue to plug away together. I love you, Dad. And I miss you more than anything- or anybody- in the Universe. I just miss you. I'd give anything to see you again. I love you so much, G Kat <3

Koi is watching cheese Elmo stuff, and I am missing you like crazy. I'm falling asleep just listening to his voice. I know how you "feel" about Elmo's voice 😉 Yeah- me too. I miss you so much. I have a lot of dreams, and I somehow feel your presence in them. You're not exactly "in" them, per se- but your presence can be felt. It's the strangest thing. I do hope it's you. That would make me feel so good. But it's ok if it's not. I know you're busy. It's never your fault. You're busy being a Guardian Angel. I know you are mine- and I do feel protected by you. I do feel your presence- constantly. But I still feel a loss and a void- and I need to get better at accepting that and managing that, so I am not a giant ball of mess, you know? I'm still that giant ball of mess- and I don't want to be that person for ever and ever. I miss you so much- it just hurts so much. Words cannot really express how I feel. I love you more than life itself- more than anything tangible or intangible. You are my everything, and I hope we will be together again some day. I love you infinitely, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat (and MK and lil Kat) xoxoxo

Hi Dad. How have you been? I miss you. I miss you so very much. It feels like the weekend, even though it was just Monday (now Tuesday). I'm lonely and missing you so much. I wanted to let you know- I updated ALL of the devices today- to System 11.2.2 (except MK's ipod, which only goes to 6.0.1 or something like that). I finally found out/figured out Koi's password- and then reset it, so now I can actually update everything when it's necessary. You would be so proud of me! I even had to troubleshoot the big ipad, because it wasn't taking the login and password- turns out, the VPN thing was flashing on/off on/off, not letting me login properly. So, I disabled the VPN so I could log in- and ta daaa- now I'm able to update everything. I thought you would be proud of me. I also have everything backing up to the iCloud. I also purchased much more iCloud space on my device- just so we can keep everything. Our Sprint contract is up soon, and MK wants to switch back to AT&T. However- I need to make sure we save ALL of the pics. ALL of them. So I need to back everything up and store them on the iCloud. Time machine is turned off- but I also need to figure out how to turn it on, and back everything up to that, as well. I promise I will do both before we visit any AT&T store. I also want to keep your phone- and Koi's- and mine. I wonder if we own them? I don't want to give them up. I guess worst case is that we stick with Sprint or go month to month for awhile. I am not going to stress about it- because I want to do it the right way. I don't want to lose a THING. Anyhow, hopefully you would be proud of me for updating all the devices. I know when you were home with us, both ipads weren't operable- but that is because we didn't know Koi's password. I finally got myself authenticated, and was able to reset it, but boy- was that an ordeal. It took 10 days, and then Apple forgot all about us. And I asked to be authenticated several times, only to have the process started, and then

Hi, Dad. I was going to write you a long note today, because I slept well last night. But alas, my medicine has kicked in- and I fell asleep on your bed in your mancave! I often go to you room at night- it's the first place I go in the mornings, and it's the last place I go in the evenings. I laid down on your bed, and said a prayer- and talked to you for a bit- just letting you know how much I missed you. And- I fell asleep. Yay me. So I'm feeling pretty out of it- the only thing that woke me up was Koi's voice. So I'll keep this note shortish. But I wanted to let you know that you are so missed. It's Christmas Eve right now, and I don't even think Holidays mean anything to me anymore. I think about how you worked in a movie theatre on Christmas day- you were always working, weren't you? You always worked, and you always took care of your family. You're a good man, Dad. I wish I had the chance to tell you that. We spent so much time together, and I don't think I even straight- up told you how much you mean to me- what a great Father you are, and what a great role model you are to me. I love you to the moon and back. I'll talk to you tomorrow, o? Love you, Jen

Here is MK's candle, and her message is: "cough cough- achoooo!" She's quite sick- and grumpy! I hope she gets better soon- because noone likes a grump(ier) MK, do we? Ugh! She wakes up grouchy, stays in bed and coughs and sneezes and blows her nose like a trumpet. And at the end of the day? She yells at me to get Koi out of the tub, and goes back to bed. Rough day, eh? Heh. Anyhow, I do hope she gets better- so my life is better 😉 Selfish of me, eh? Anyhow, I know she must be thinking of you lots- especially after seeing that bright red imagery- she wasn't sure if it was a Cardinal- or a jet plane. It was something significant- and anyhow... it left an impression. I'm sure she's been thinking about that a lot. I can't really update her ipod- but she likes it that way. I did manage to update all of the other devices, though- so that will at least keep Koi (and me) happy. We all love and miss you. I'm trying. But it's not the same without you. I miss you so much, and there is a huge hole in my heart. I love you to the moon and back. Your pook, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm getting tired of candles, so I'm mixing it up a bit with teddys and hearts- I hope you don't mind 🙂 I miss you so much, Dad. I know I sound like a broken record, don't I? But my feelings never change. Today is Nancy's birthday, and we did wish her a Happy Birthday. She, like true Raper form, was stuck with a clogged toilet and having to call the plumber on her birthday in order to retrieve a toilet brush that broke off into the depths of the toilet- haha. Typical "us," right? I'm sure you're in Heaven laughing. Mom and I didn't get her anything, but I am going to send her a small gift. I don't know what yet- but I will come up with something. There are a lot of cute Southern-type boutiques around here, and I know I'll be able to find something for her there. She tells me that she's as old as dirt and doesn't want to be reminded of it. But don't you worry- I will send her something nice! I'll say it's from all of us, ok? Mom and I have been talking about you a lot recently. I won't go into details, but we were worried about you this year, but we honestly thought you were going to be okay for awhile longer. Mom shared with me something you said to her- about not being sure about things. I'm glad she reassured you- because that's what I would have done. Because we honest to God believed things were going to be okay. I replay in my mind over and over again- all the millions of things I did wrong- starting from before your pacemaker surgery throughout your hospitalization, and especially after your discharge. I just wish I had done a better job in caring for you. I thought I was doing my best, but I think I could have done a better job. I know saying all of this and feeling horrible and guilty won't bring you back- but it haunts me and will continue to haunt me- probably for the rest of my life. Mom is anxious about laying you to rest in the upcoming months, and for me, I like you here locally. But she wants you to have peace- it's important to her. I miss

I'm so bored with MK lighting this same yellow candle every night- I swear I will break it in half if she keeps it up, ya know? I' joking (sort of)... but I do get sick on the same color candle fo==come from her. And they think Koi is autistic!! Lol. Anyhow, I love you to the moon and back. Tomorrow is Saturday- another fun morning of waiting in line at the bakery. They all miss you (the older ones- the "good looking" blonde" especially). You made a lasting impression on so many people- and they were all btter for knowing you. The same goes with me- I am so you, and such the better person or having morals and knowing what it feels like to be loved and cared for by a real man. Thank you, Dad- I do loev you infinitely.

Here is Mom's candle- surprise, it's yellow. The picture you see- it's my new Facebook profile picture. It was taken a year ago- in December 2016- a week before your pacemaker operation. Mom wishes you never had that operation. I wish you had it at Duke. We really bought into Wake Med's sell job, didn't we? You remember what that doctor said to us? It was so unethical for him to say those things. It's despicable. Anyhow, I miss you so much. I bought some ready-made turkey for the holiday. I'll have a sandwich for you- but no stuffing, I promise. I'll never eat stuffing again. And pumpkin pie- it just reminds me too much of you. Oh how you loved it! We aren't having a big family dinner- just going to Harris Teeter and getting deli food. Mom is having sushi (of course), and Koi will have fries, and I'll make myself a turkey sandwich. I went ahead and bought six croissants for Koi for Sunday-Tuesday. They are closing for two days, so I'll have to pick up all of them tomorrow. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you- and I would give anything for you to e with us just one more Christmas. I love you so much it hurts. Until tomorrow... love you so much, Jen

Merry Christmas, Dad. I know you loved the idea of Christmas more than the actual day (like all of us in this family), but you never discouraged me from putting up decorations. As a matter of fact, you were always quite impressed, quoting Charles Dickens about how "(s) he always kept Christmas." Well, this year, we did keep Christmas, as a tribute to you. We have a ton of new and beautiful angel ornaments, because I feel as if you are my guardian angel now And we have some angels on the tonsu that come with lights that emulate candles. Very cool. You would maybe say it's overkill. But we kept the front porch simple- just the red and green disco lights and the tree that changes colors- the one you bought for Koi years ago when I was not home then. You always stepped up and helped me and my family out when I needed it the most. What would I have done without you, Dad? You have saved me time and time again. You have helped me out and basically been my safety net for decades upon decades. I will try my best to honor your life and your memory by being the best I can be- and not making mistakes and attempting to act like an adult (it ain't gonna be easy). But I will do it- not just for me, but for you too. I refuse to be a liability for you- I promise I will do nothing but honor you and make the right decisions. I love you to the moon and back. Love, Jen xoxo

Here is Mom's candle. She didn't say much tonight, as her legs and back have been hurting more lately. She limps a lot, but at least she still has her legs, right? She may have to use a cane (your cane) at your internment, if that's okay. Anyhow, we talk about you every day- we share good memories, and of course I am still crippled with guilt, self-loathing, and regret. But I am existing with these feelings and trying to be positive. I want you to be able to rest in peace- and you can't do that if my mind is still tormenting me. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you infinitely. I'll talk to you later today- after I rest for a bit. I love you so much. You are my everything. -Jen (and Mom and Koi too)

Merry Christmas, Dad. I know technically it's the day after Christmas (it's late), but I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas anyway. Nancy texted me today and of course she has been thinking of you all day. She was watching A Christmas Carol- the 1950's version, I think. It's your favorite movie, isn't it? You used to quote from it all the time. It's a good thing we don't have t.v.- or else seeing that movie would make me cry. So much about the holidays, especially Christmas and Thanksgiving, remind me of you. You love fall and winter (mostly fall) and all the festivities that go along with it- like pumpkin pie (and Reddi Whip). They finally started making pumpkin bread again at the bakery- they were making it when you were still with us. But you had lost your appetite so much. I can't eat it anymore, either. Nothing is the same w/o you. It never will be. I can't do any of the same things we used to do. Today came and went. Everything this year was closed, except Walgreens. So, I went there and got Koi some toys (stuff she likes- like playdoh, flarp, and some other type of putty- oh and a window gel kit that she enjoyed playing with). She basically owns every figurine known to man, so for the past few years, I haven't really bought her very much. We went for a drive- could not find one McDonald's that was open, and then came home- and luckily we ordered pizza last night- so MK heated that up for Koi to eat. Oh- H Mart was open, too- so I got MK two mochi. That was our "fun" day, and I'm glad it's over. The bakery is closed yet another day, so Koi will be eating two day old croissants tomorrow. At least the rest of the world will be open- so we can go about our business. So thankful for that. I just want 2018 to get here- and MK really wants February to come so you can be laid to rest. I don't know why she is so fixated on it. It's less important to me, because I know you are safe in Raleigh and your soul is with us. I love you so very much, Dad. I miss you infinite

Here is MK's yellow candle. She wanted me to tell you she "wishes you a Merry Christmas. And love you." (and then she said "keep it short- less is more.") Well okay then! She doesn't know me very well- because I am anything but "short" when it comes to writing and talking. I will say that Mom was quite quiet today. We all were. We didn't do a thing besides drive around and going to Walgreens. No family traditions w/o you, Dad. We do have a tree but that's about it. Mom worries so much- and he misses you a lot. I can tell. You know she's never going to express herself (unless it's anger, of course). But missing you? She does- you can just trust me on that one. And you know I miss you. Koi is finally cheering up- whatever you did- worked. Thank you. She was crying quite a lot during the evening. I love you, Dad. I hope you are okay and you are at peace. I am still tormented by all the things I did wrong- and the things I could have done better for you- things that could have perhaps prolonged your life. I wish I had done some things differently. Just know I think and think and reflect about all of those things daily- and I think about you and your legacy every single day. I love you more than life itself- more than the universe. Until tomorrow... love you to the moon and back, Jen (and Mom and Koi, too).

Hi, Dad. I'm so sorry for not posting yesterday. I started snuggling with Koi, thinking "oh I'm wide awake- I'll just post when she falls asleep." Lol- big mistake, right? You know she always outlasts me. The next thing I remember it's late in the morning, drool down my face, my back killing me from sleeping in that cheap twin bed of hers lol. It's like when you were in college and tried to study in bed- you'd wake up with a pencil up your butt (your words!) You had the best stories. Like the time your roommates were going to bronze your bed- because you managed to earn a college degree from spending the most time in your bed. 😉 You were a trip- and I can tell, you were always the life of the party with ALL of your friends. Even your former coworker, Schenk- recalls so many fond memories of you. Despite your differences in opinion, he respected your viewpoints very much (he never met an idea he didn't like- you never met an idea you did like) 😀 He asked to come to your internment, and I was very touched by that. So hopefully he will be able to make it. You were loved by so many- so many people have told me that their lives are better for having you in them. I know it's been hard for Nance. I used to tell her how you would cry out for her in the middle of the night (I know you were probably just calling for me, but her name was the first one you would think of). And that really upset her- because she felt she should have been there for you. So I stopped telling her that- because the last thing I want is for her to feel guilty about anything. She knew Mom and I were busy just trying to get through the days. She and Kim were going to visit soon- and I so regret they didn't make the trip out. If anyone is to blame, it's me. I misinterpreted everything. I had no idea. I thought you were going to be here for at least five more years. How could I have been so wrong? The doctors made it sound like you had four chronic illnesses that were successfully being managed. Yes, y

Here is MK's yellow candle. She was a little miffed I didn't post yesterday, and again, I'm so sorry. I fell asleep before posting. And when I woke up (late), I had to run around town, returning a bunch of stuff we got Koi (we got her too many clothes for Christmas and had to return a bunch) plus two coats Mom and I were going to wear to your internment- but when they were delivered- yuck- they were cheap. So anyhow, I spent a couple of wasted hours returning stuff- but at least I was able to get it done while Koi was at home, as opposed to waiting for me in the car, right? We went to the mall again- walked around- and then had fries and then came home. Koi's in the tub now. I'm not taking any chances once she comes out! I'm not forgetting to post to your wall tonight, that's for sure. I miss you so much with each passing day. The pain doesn't become easier at all. Despite what people say, it's just not true. The pain doesn't even change- it's still is here, and it's stronger and more powerful than ever. But that's me- and I'm not like most people. I'll always think of you fondly, but it'll always bring such pain thinking about the loss. The void will never be filled- noone is capable of filling that void. You are an amazing soul, Dad. I just want you to know that I will make you proud of me. I will carry on and make you proud. I promise that to you. I love you infinitely. Until tomorrow... xoxo Jen (and Mom and Koi)

You're probably wondering "why are you sending me these interlocked rings? We weren't married?" I know, I know. But I did just order that necklace that says "I love you to the moon and back" as a way to memorialize my love for you- a daughter's undying love for her Father. The rings, to me, signify eternity. And you will eternally be in my heart. You are my heart, Dad. I love you so much. I have a "nut doctor" appointment tomorrow. I know, it's a bunch of hokey bulls*** as you'd say. Especially this new one- there is a new program I'm supposed to follow, called "DBT" and it's the hokiest bunch of bull ever. I need to tell her tomorrow that this type of therapy and me, you know, Jen Owen, doesn't mesh. We're not compatible. I know you would support me totally on this. I can explain later- but the cornerstones of this type of therapy just doesn't mesh with who I am. I don't feel comfortable doing it. I miss having you to talk to- you would know exactly what to say- you'd know what to say so I would feel better. I took all of that for granted my whole life. I miss talking to you Even when we didn't agree- I loved listening to your rationales as to why you would disagree with me- because you were just so darn smart. Too smart, if you ask me. You were always getting in trouble because you know why donkeys don't go to college, right? Noone likes a smart ass. You used to say that, and I would laugh every single time. Speaking of ass- Koi has had the runs tonight, so it's a bit late and I'm a bit worn out. So I won't write on and on (and on) like I usually do. But I will write tomorrow and let you know how my nut doctor appointment went. You see, I don't really have any therapy goals, and I think that is what bothers them. I have no problem being sad and staying sad and feeling hopeless- for an indefinitely period of time. As long as I am not hurting anyone (or myself) then I don't see a problem with it. I'm not going to "just get over it" and move on with my life. I will n

Here is Mom's yellow candle, as always. Koi is out of bed, calling for "Gilbert" (Caillou's cat)- it's a script and it drives me nuts. No idea why she is so agitated. Probably because she can sense when my mind isn't 100% on her. It's okay- she'll get through it. Koi has become quite the character. Sometimes I feel like a lifetime of spoiling her is finally catching up with me. But you and Mom used to tell me that I could never spoil her. So I don't know. But she has become a huge pain in the rear- and I can only blame hormones and/or shitty parenting (or both lol). Anyhow, enough about that. We all miss you. I think about you constantly. You are the first person I think about when I wake up and the last person I think about when I go to sleep. You are the most important person in my life- and that will never change, no matter how much time passes. I will never forget you, nor will things ever get easier, like what some people say. Things will never get easier- I don't want them to. I'll never forget. I love you infinitely, Dad. And I'll write you tomorrow. Next time, I'll be sure to write you when she's still in the tub (although something she is still harassing me while she's in the tub, but anyway). I'll find a way to write you and be more focused w/o having the "delicate genius" misbehaving. I love you, Dad. It's freezing cold here- I don't know why... but every time I eat soup (like I did tonight), I think of you. So much makes me think of you. I miss you so much. Until tomorrow... xoxo Jen (and Mom and Koi, too).

Hi, Dad. I've posted a butterfly today. It's freeing, isn't it? Something about the way a butterfly is- so beautiful, and yet so fleeting, much like life. I miss you terribly today. I ate 1/2 a tunafish bagel today for lunch (guess who ate the other half lol). Anyhow, it had way too much mayonnaise on it, and I was thinking how it would have made you physically gag if you were to take a bite. I remember how Mom used to have to make two "batches" of tunafish salad- one for me and her, and then one for you (that was SO dry- it barely had any mayo in it). Ah you were so smart and wise beyond your years lol. I can't stomach much mayo these days- I've become you! I was just thinking about tunafish, as I was eating this gooey, kind of gross sandwich, and I started breaking down in tears. So many memories. Also, being Friday, and Mom being Mom- she was wondering about DFAS, as she hasn't heard anything from them yet- and I've filled out the paperwork (downloaded it all myself to save time) since November 9th- very very very soon after your passing. Well- I recommended that she sit tight and stay patient, as I had a feeling we would hear something from them- if not today, then sometime next week (or the next week). I recommended that she just wait until next week, and then I'd call. Was it you whispering these ideas in my head? Because I think it was you. I had a bit of ESP- something I usually don't have- but you used to have quite a bit of it. You were never able to channel it into any sort of money making venture (as you'd used to say lol), but you would be able to think about things as they were about to happen. Well, low and behold, after recommending to Mom she sit tight, we hear from DFAS today via snail mail. It wasn't exactly what Mom was looking for- but it was an acknowledgement (and some tax documents) that they had received the paperwork I faxed in over a month ago. Anyhow, it was nice. I immediately thought of you, as I still think it was your way of talking

Here is Mom's yellow candle. 🙂 She wants me to stock up on mochi- soon... as you know how she is with the start of the new year. No house should be without mochi! Lol. And she vacuumed her room fervently today. She blows off Christmas, but Lord... the New Year is something entirely different in her eyes. So I think I know what I'm doing this weekend- going to H Mart for mochi! I took Koi to Cary Town Mall today and we played video games at Dave and Busters. Everything makes me think of you. It's not that the video game place makes me think of you- but video games in general make me think of you. You were always ahead of the curve with technology- so avant garde. Sometimes "too" avant garde (Intellivision, Laser Disk... lol. Those are actually worth a fortune now- much like the original Macintosh). Anyhow, you were always ahead of the curve- but never quite enough to make money off it, right? I miss you so much- I miss laughing with you, and I miss talking to you. I not only lost the best Dad in the world, but I also lost my best friend in the world and my confidant. I don't really have anyone anymore- so I just keep on talking to you, if that's okay. I love and miss you, Dad. I better try to put Koi to bed. We keep going to bed later and later and then sleeping the day away. Such is track-out, right? I love you so much, Dad. Until tomorrow (today, rather). xoxo Jen (and Mom and Koi)

Hi, Dad. Well, we did the same thing today. We took Koi to the "trampoline mall" (Cary Town Center) and she did the bungee bounce, and then we both went to Dave and Busters to play video games. She's getting really good at Fruit Ninja, thanks to the app you got her! Mom looked around at the Belk (didn't find anything), and then we hit CFA for fries, then home. Koi is coughing a bit, which makes me a bit worried she may be coming down with something. Yesterday we ran out of hot water, so she was sitting in a cold tub (unbeknownst to me) until I boiled, like, five pots of hot water and added it to her bath. Anyhow, she was up late (which MK wasn't too happy about), and then she woke up early, went back to bed, and then slept in- kind of late. She almost had your schedule last night (except for the going back to bed until late part). I remember you used to always always always get up really early, and then go back to bed around 7-8am until, oh, like 9 or 10am maybe. I didn't understand how you could wake up at, like, 4 or 5am! But now, I'm starting to get it- your bladder wakes you up, right? MK has now taken over your schedule. She's always up early now- no matter what. I remember you used to wake up at the crack of dawn and go to the bakery for Koi's breakfast. I don't know if I ever told you- but that meant the WORLD to me. Koi, ever since she was born (and due to her autism), has never been a good sleeper- especially as a baby. Well, when you used to go to Nation's in California for our breakfast, followed by Starbucks for our four VENTI coffees! I remember you'd come back around 9 or 10am- and I would barely be able to get out of bed, because Koi would be waking me up all night. It just meant so much to me. And I don't think I ever really thanked you for all of your hard work. And you continued to do it when we moved to NC- you woke up early and went to the bakery for Koi- when I was still passed out in bed. I have never been a morning person, so it just meant the

Here is MK's candle for you. She loves yellow, and like you, she likes to be consistent. What can I say? She's been tough on me today, so it's hard to be positive about her. But I do know she loves you so much. I think losing you has been harder on her than she would like to admit. I can hear her slippers shuffling about the house- she's about to come to the front of the house and yell at me. That's what she usually does this time of night. Koi is in the tub, soaking, and enjoying herself. She'll come to the front of the house and start laying into me about how I am "neglecting" Koi by letting her stay in the tub for too long. But I'm right here- watching Koi. She is soaking in nice, warm water- which is what she needs if she's coming down with something. That's just MK's way of feeling needed, I think. I think she's kind of going through an identity crisis- like she doesn't have the same roles as she used to. It's ok- I mean, she knows she's still needed (I think she still believes I can't function w/o her, so that's fine- heck, you probably think that too). It's all good. Maybe I can't- who knows. But I try not to let MK's negativity get to me (too much). The only "thing" that gets to me is me missing you and having so many regrets and feelings of failure and guilt over your passing. I don't know if I will ever get over those. But one thing is constant. I love you more thank life itself- more than anybody or anything in the world. And I miss you everyday- and it never gets any easier (nor do I think it should, really). I have my moments of being able to function better- but that is fleeting, and I will usually end up curled up like a ball crying my eyes out, missing you. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. If anything, it only shows (to me) how much my love for you if pure and it will never fade. Koi's hot water is gone now- I'm boiling two pots and I'm pouring buckets of hot water on her from the sink. Her tub is warm, but I think she is sick with ch

Happy New Year, Dad. 2018 isn't going to be the same without you, but you will always be in my heart. You are my heart. It has been a tough day, but Koi being sick has been a welcome distraction from all of the sad memories that seem to keep popping up. I miss you so much- and I am not feeling very chatty (for once). I love you (and miss you) to the moon and back. I love you so so so very much, Dad. I wish you were here with me still, and sometimes it just seems so surreal that you aren't here anymore. I really and truly believed that you would be here for 2018, so I am every bit as stunned as I am heartbroken. I will continue to live my life in a way that honors your memory. You have my word. You were the very best Father any daughter could ever hope for- and each and every day, I will try to honor everything that you so selfless gave me. I love you, Dad. - Jen

Happy New Year from Mom. She's sleeping btw lol, but she did wake up to help me give Koi her meds. You know how much Koi hates taking medicine. Hopefully her fever will break soon. I learned that when you were in the ICU- once your fever breaks, everything "should" be okay. I remember when you had a fever- the second time you were in the ICU. Your nurse wasn't too worried- she wasn't as worried as I was. She said your fever would break and they would go from there. You cheated death so many times when you were at the VA- I'm still in disbelief that we lost you so soon. I wish I could have provided more at home. I'll always feel responsible for not giving you what you needed. For that, I am so very sorry- words cannot really express the heartache and sorrow I feel. I do love you more than life itself. I promise I will try my best to live each day in your honor and with your memories in my heart- because you are my heart. I love you to the moon and back. Until tomorrow, or "next year." Love, Jen

Hi, Dad. Well, it's Sunday. Koi is finally going back to school tomorrow- can you believe it? She's been tracked out for six weeks, but in a way, it seems much longer. Although- we've been sick for much of it. Tomorrow, you *know* MK will be working me hard... changing filters, and I'll have to put away the Christmas tree (you know we're not allowed to touch the tree on Koi's watch!) And she has a ton of toys in the hallway, so I'll have to find a place to those. She keeps expanding outwards- but her room isn't getting any bigger. So I'll have to find a way to get the toys out of the hallway but also put away in a way that she can still find and access them. No mean feat, as you used to say! Hopefully I can get all of that finished before it's time to pick her up. Plus, you know I'll be exhausted. I'm surprised it's only midnight here. But, I guess I better try to lay down. We've been going to bed around 4-5am, and I just pray we go down quickly. I love you so much, and I miss you so much. I was hoping Koi would go back to school back in October so I would have some more time with you. We never had that opportunity, Dad. I really feel like I didn't get to spend any good quality time with you- and for that I am so so sorry. There are so many things I am sorry for- and that is just one of them. I wish I spent more time with you. If only I knew the timeline, things would have been so different. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you- and it's really hard to cope sometimes. I love you to the moon and back. Love you, G Kat

Instead of a candle, I'm sending you my heart tonight. And I'm commenting on the video I posted of Koi sledding. This was Koi's first sled attempt for the year. Guess who's coming back tomorrow (yep- "sledding!") She went through her schedule "1) wake up, 2) sledding, 3) pizza, 4) shower, 5) video." I was like "Koi- what about "1) wake up, 2) eat a quick breakfast, 3) sledding..." "NO! NO BREAKFAST!" She replied. Hahaha! That's Koi. Last year, she would at least humor me with breakfast. But, it's good to know she still loves sledding! She didn't seem too keen on getting out of the house today- probably b/c we're all still battling some horrible cold/flu that won't go away. But once we were all dressed up and bundled up and actually outside- she didn't want it to end. Fortunately, she did get tired- so we went and grabbed a pizza for her (and me and MK split one, too)... from a local pizza place/Italian restaurant. We were home early- I didn't want to be driving around when everything froze over- but here it is- 1:30am, and she is still awake. I told her I didn't want to oversleep tomorrow- because by the time we get to that hill- there will be nothing left. You know how late she sleeps during track out! Most kids have been up for hours when she wakes up. She truly *is* your granddaughter 😀 I told Koi that Grandpa used to love the snow. He loved watching it out the window, and he also loved driving in it. He was a master at driving in the snow and ice. He knew how to do everything. I think you taught me well. Using your Subaru doesn't hurt, either 😉 Days like today really make me long for you, Dad. I miss you immensely. Days like today just aren't the same without you. I suppose they never will be will they? I know you will always be my heart. But I still miss hearing your voice- your advice, your jokes, and your snarky comments. I miss everything about you- even when you used to yell at me for moving too slow! 😉 I just miss you so much. I'll post another pic th

That picture (below) was a selfie I took when we were on our way to Bond Park to go sledding 🙂 MK waited in the car, of course, and watched YouTube- her new favorite past time. She's looking up how to make peanut butter salad dressing. Yuck. I wonder if she'll ever make it. She loves watching cooking on YouTube now. So she did that while I took Koi sledding outside. It wasn't too cold, until it started getting dark. We got a late start, of course, but then again- it didn't start snowing until 9:40ish- and we got there around 4pm which was actually perfect. We sledded for about an hour and a half, and Koi was pretty tired and ready for her pizza. After she ate, we all came home and showered, and I have no idea why it's so darn late. But I guess I should get Sleeping Beauty to sleep. She's also watching YouTube... and here I am- on the computer lol. So, I'll say good night to you, Dear Dawg. I love and miss you. We are smiling, but inside- our hearts are breaking. We miss you so much, and our picture will always be incomplete w/o you. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are my Everything. Love, Jen (MK and Koi too)

Hi Dad. As you can see from the pic (below), I took Koi sledding again today. But most of the snow was melted, and she basically sledded down 1/2 grass and 1/2 ice. But she still had fun time. If you were here, I know you would have driven us. We also went to Brixx Pizza and Mom and I split a personal pizza and Koi had a whole one to herself (but she really doesn't eat during the day right now- only small snacks- ever since she caught the flu, she's been skipping the croissants and cookies). Anyhow, I wanted to let you know (like a broken record I must sound like) how much I love and miss you. The pain hurts too much for me to feel. I'm constantly watching documentaries on all sorts of stuff on YouTube so I don't have to feel the pain. It's just too much. At least I'm not numbing the pain with "other" things, right? Baby steps. Nancy and I wrote each other today- she thinks my healing will begin after your ceremony in Arlington. I don't know. I don't think I will ever heal- because healing implies you're going to be the same as you were- before the trauma happened. And I'm never going to be the same person. There is no recover here, because I'll never be the same person again. But maybe I'll learn better ways of coping with my profound grief and sadness. I want to apologize to you again for not truly listening to you. I should have taken you to the ER earlier on March 6th. I told you I'd take you after I picked up Koi from school. I should have dropped everything at lunchtime and taken you then. What could have been? And on November 4th- I should have called 911 earlier. Why didn't I listen to you? You knew what you needed. But I didn't listen. I'll never forgive myself for it. I could have also done a lot more for you. I feel so much shame and guilt for all the mistakes I've made. I hope you will forgive me. I know you already have- because you are such a kind and gentle spirit. But I don't think I can forgive myself. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I'm goi

Here's Mom's candle. She went with us sledding today- but she waited in the car. Her mobility is getting less and less these days, but other than that, she seems ok. She's coughing a lot- she caught Koi's flu, and as you know, she has weak lungs, so she's still coughing- two weeks later. I know MK is starting to get nervous about Arlington. I have to hotel taken care of, but I need to start reaching out to other things- like a car service and maybe a videographer. We'll see how much I can do. I may just do it- w/o asking MK. Sometimes you just need to do it. I love you so much, Dad. It's going to be your special day. I want everything to be perfect- just like you. You were the perfect Dad (you still are), the perfect friend, the perfect Grandpa, and the perfect everything to me. I love you so much- and I will talk to you tomorrow (or, in a few hours). Love you, G Kat/MK

Hi Dad. It's super late- or super early- take your pic! Koi and my schedules are totally outta whack. How on earth are we going to get back on track in two days, before she starts school again? Good Lord, help us all lol. Koi loves to stay up late- and so do I. You do, too, right? We three are night owls. We do our best "thinking" at night, don't we? I miss having you here. You'd be up with us, talking with us, and recommending movies to me. I've really been utilizing your subscription of Netflix- something I never ever did when you were here. Life is so ironic sometimes. I feel like we'd have more in common now. I watch a lot of documentaries. Most on Netflix- and many on YouTube. They keep me distracted and keeps my mind busy, so I'm not going down dark paths in thinking about all the ways I failed you. I really did fail you- but I won't go into all the ways I feel like I could have done more. It torments me every minute of every day. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing before I fall asleep at night. But the thoughts are also full of joyous memories of you. You were such a beacon of bright light in my often otherwise gloomy life. You always put a smile on my face- always. You always made me laugh- no matter what mood I was in- you could always lift up my spirits and make me laugh- the great big laugh, where you have to catch your breath. I miss that so much about you- and being with you. I hope I "inherited" that funny gene from our family- my writings on your wall haven't been very funny, but I still have my burning comedian personality at times. Not as often these days, though. God, I miss you so much. I'm going to lay down, close my eyes, and pray for sleep. I'll write you in the morning. This is the last weekend before Koi goes back to school. You know what that means? It means MK will be running that GD sweeper all day when Koi is in school- Lord help me there, too. I will retreat and continue writing you and planning out anyt

Here's MK's yellow candle to you. She ordered more J Jill dresses and goucho pants. I guess she wants to be prepared for the internment times ten lol. Anyhow, since I had no money, so gave me money to place the order. It's ok, though. I didn't mean to say that- because if you were here, you'd transfer money into my account. You always looked out for me- and you always took care of me. I'm doing fine- I don't really need money these days, because I do everything with Mom. She fronts my lavish lifestyle lol. She does miss you. She doesn't talk much, but when I start to talk, she listens and participates- which is huge for her. Usually she is not engaged in any sort of conversations that aren't "purposeful." But in your instance- she is. Of course a lot of it has to do with me following up with various things. I think the only two places I need to follow up with are OPM and the VA. Obviously the VA will handle itself- it won't affect MK's bottom line (the DIC stuff). You did a wonderful job explaining that madness to me. It'll all get ironed out. I don't need to badger them about that. But I do need to follow up with OPM. DFAS finally came though, thank goodness. Lastly, not to talk business- but or Sprint contract is going to expire, and we'll go month to month. MK wants to go back to AT&T but it's complicated. We have two payments left on Koi's phone and one payment left each on my phone and your phone. After that, we need to pay $180 for each phone to own them flat. Then- they still have on record that we have an iphone 6. And I can't remember if you turned it back into Sprint or you sold it via a third party. If you sold it via a third party, I'll have to pay another $180 to be released from that lease contract- even when nothing is owed on the lease payments. Have I lost you yet? It's confusing. I will follow up via online chat and see if they have a record of you turning in the iphone 6 when you upgraded to get Koi an iPhone 7. Forget the new iPhone X's, ok? I th

Hi Dad. Instead of a candle tonight, I thought I'd try something just a little different and send you a heart- my heart. Today was pretty uneventful. It's warming up since the big "snow" here in NC (we got a couple of inches lol). Koi went sledding twice- but she is still upset with me for telling her the snow has melted today (and we couldn't go sledding yet again today). She goes back to school on Monday, and I'm mixed about it. This track-out has been difficult in the sense that we've all been quite sick for more than half of it. On top of that, our sleep schedule is totally messed up- so it's 4am here and we're still awake. How on early are we going to wake up early on Monday? Wish us luck. 🙁 Anyhow, I received another email from your sister, Nance. Her two Grandsons are doing missionary work in Honduras, and it's really left a profound effect on them. What a wonderful thing, eh? I think they will all be at your internment in February. I feel badly- because they all have to fly- and I know you always hated all the attention being put on you! But you deserve a special day. You gave your life for our country and it's the least we can do, right? I would give anything to have you here still with us. I am sorry for not doing more. I should have taken you to the doctor the day you had your stroke- earlier- before calling 911 in the evening. What was I thinking? And I should have forced you to stay overnight at the Hospital when you were there just one or two days before you had your stroke (I can't remember- but I think you were there on Saturday- and I should have made you stay overnight- not that it would have done anything- but you never know). I just wish I would have done more. More of everything. Hindsight is always 20/20, but these aren't little things. I have a unbearable guilt and self-hatred for not doing more for you. You meant the world to me, and yet I didn't do anything. Hardly anything. I'm so sorry, and I hope you will forgive me one day. I love you s

Here's MK's lovely yellow candle. She is doing okay. She has her dress for February, plus she's wearing pants. Can you imagine? I don't get her "fashion" sense, but she's wearing pants and a dress. She's going to look Indian- hahaha. Anyhow, I've been ordering a lot of stuff for her because she likes to be prepared. She's still looking for a coat, but I think she has an old one- oh wait- no she has one she bought around Thanksgiving- it's boucle. She'll be fine. I think she's starting to stress about it- and how she manages her stress is to make sure she's prepared with clothes. Your sister is also getting nervous about flying to D.C. I told her she didn't have to come- I know it's going to be a lot for them to travel so far away- and seriously no hard feelings if they can't make it, right? But I think they are pretty committed to coming. But I will keep letting her know she doesn't have to come if it gets to be too much. Mom, me, and Koi, of course, will be there. I don't want to talk about it, or else I'll start crying. You have a good evening- and I will write you when I wake up, ok? I need to try to wake up early tomorrow- to try to get my sleep schedule back on track. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat and MK (and Lil Kat)

It's snowing outside, Dad. You always loved looking at (and driving in) the snow. True to WV form, I'm going to take a spin in the Suub with Koi and MK right now. You taught me well, so I will be careful. I'll post a pic, if we make it to a big hill and Koi can get a little sledding in. She's become a tweenager, so she's not as excited as she used to be. But I will post a pic if we get out there. I love and miss you. I wish you could be here- not just to be with us, but to drive us, too! I love you to the moon and back... Jen, MK and Lil Kat

Here's MK candle. Yellow- big surprise there 🙂 She is going to be busy tomorrow, working me to pieces. I do think she'll be running that sweeper, so I'm sure she'll be hurting on Tuesday. That'll be fun. I have my nut doctor on Tuesday- not a day too soon. I hope the session goes well. So far, we don't really talk about much- and I wish we did. It's hard for me to grieve, or even deal with loss, unless I'm able to talk. Instead, she lectures me about things she learned in school (because she just graduated from college- is the sense I get from her). She means well, but it's hard to relate, you know? I'm sure that's how you felt with 99.9% of the people out there. I get it. Finally. Well, I guess I should lay down. I meant to write you earlier today. I ended up watching a movie called "A Street Cat Named Bob" and it seriously had me in tears at the end. It's just about a recovering heroin addict who has a cat (homeless cat) who follows him home one day. It was based on a true story, too. So I ended up watching that- and then taking Koi for pizza, then Harris Teeter twice for MK- she's making some tomato cucumber salad recently. So I didn't get a chance to write you- I'm sorry. But I will write you tomorrow- I promise. Until then- I love you to the moon and back. I miss you terribly. Love, MK and G Kat (and Lil Kat too)

Well how can I say this? Koi woke up at 3:41am last night and has been up ever since. So I feel awful- and that is an understatement. I guess I should not complain, right? But boy- I guess Koi wanted to return to school (after having been tracked out for six weeks) with a bang. Did I tell you she got her hair trimmed yesterday? She was a champ. She's getting a lot better in some ways, and a lot more stubborn in other ways. I receive an email from Nance- and she tells me that now Drew has a stomach bug that he caught from Honduras when he was there on a mission trip. She is praying she doesn't catch it, because of course, he kissed her "hello Nana!" Yesterday! Raper's luck, right? How are you? I feel so lonely w/o you, Dad. I know it seems like I am busy, but I'm not. I did spend the entire day Koi was in school cleaning and organizing her room- you know, making sure her chatchki's are all in order and in the same containers. She'll probably mess it all up in a matter of days, but that's ok. It's her stuff. I also cleaned out her closet- a lot of toys in there were baby toys, so I just got rid of those. She's outgrown quite a lot, actually! She relies so much on technology- YouTube, Netflix and Spout (and Noggin). I don't know where we'd be w/o that stuff. Anyhow, my back is killing me. I'm sure MK's back will be killing her too- tomorrow. After we clean, we both always have massive back pain. But at least Koi's room is clean as is her bathroom 🙂 Oh and I also straightened out my room, that you so affectionately call the "hoarders" room 🙂 It's still messy, but it's more of an organized chaos. I put up a lot of Koi's artwork all around. It's chaotic in the sense that her art is everywhere and her stuff has "annexed" into my room. I was talking to MK about getting someone to come and build shelving or something in Koi's room. What do you think? That way, we'd have some built-ins, and I could display some of Koi's playsets on the shelves. I don't know. But what I do

Here's MK's candle. She's happy she vacuumed today. In the evening, we were going back and forth at each other. We are both tired and cranky. She told me that we should have kept you at the hospital b/c I wasn't able to care for you. That really hurt my feelings- I wonder if you feel that way? If you do, I'm really and truly sorry. I thought the best thing was for you to be home. But as you said- in the hospital, someone comes every two hours- and at home, they don't. I tried to be home as much as possible- and I was always home in the evenings/medicine time. But Koi was tracked out, and I did take her out for a few hours a day. I do regret that, looking in hindsight. MK really triggered some guilt I have about making decisions about your care. I think she was trying to piss me off- and she did, of course. But I just hope you don't hate me. You are such a kind hearted soul- I know you don't hate me, but I am sure you must think I am an idiot. I wish there was some way I could make it up to you. I would give you my life for yours- in a heartbeat. I regret so many decisions. But it's sort of late, and I don't want to go down that road again- because it always ends in tears for me- and I know you really dislike it when I cry! I love you so much, Dad. I can't stop thinking about you. You are the most important person in my life, and I just hope I can honor your life everyday. I'm still thinking of ways to do so. I love you to the moon and back. Love, Mk and GKat (and Lil Kat too)

Today is one of those days where I wish I could dig a hole, crawl in it, and cover up the dirt, and be with you- forever. I miss you, Dad. I had a good day. I went to my "nut" doctor and since I was in a decent mood, we had a good session- nothing major was discussed. I cleaned some more, which is always therapeutic- I cleaned the tops of my closet and Koi's. Then I took four bags to the dump full of junk. I dusted the tops of our dressers, and then I went through various tupperware in my room- and her closet, and made sure everything was dusted and clean. I also put a polka dot blanket on Koi's floor, so she's comfy. She's in the tub now. She's my only reason for continuing to go through the motions sometimes. So Peyton can't make it to your internment b/c he has a test at Ole Miss. Kim, Nance, and Drew are still coming- and they are flying in the night before. Mom, Koi and I will be there regardless. You'll drive up with Heather- who is the Director of the Funeral Home- she's wonderful. My heart is always yours, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. I've been self-medicating with lots of National Geographic Documentaries. Oh, and MK took me out to breakfast today. I feel badly b/c I know how much you loved to go out to breakfast. There is a new place called "Third Watch" and I got something called "Millionaires Bacon" which is bacon drizzled with some kind of heavenly maple syrup. I bet they have it in heaven- you should ask around for it. I ate that plus some toast. It was worth those two extra pounds that showed up on my weigh-in at the doctor today 😉 I hope you are well. I know it's unbelievable that our Christmas tree is still up. Tomorrow, I will take it down, and I expect it to be very emotional for me. I am praying for strength- and a little of your presence, if you happen to be around. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you so much. I wish you were here. I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok? Love you, Jen/G Kat

Mom's consistent yellow candle for you. She loves you- but she can be boring, eh? Today she was bragging to me about how fast she used to type. It was kind of nice to see her smile about yesteryear. She told me how she out-typed, like, five Japanese girls at her firm back in the day. Boy, she must have typed fast. She also said that Sunoco and her Oldest Bro, Hedaychan or is it Hedachan? never had to study but always got straight A's. That's how she envisions Koi lol. I sure didn't inherit any of those natural abilities to ace tests, that's for sure. I had to study for every B I received 😉 Anyhow, she took me out to breakfast- and after my nut doctor appointment, she took me out for bubble tea at Crema Coffee, which is the Korean-owned coffee shop next to H Mart. I wish so much you were with us. We did go to TJ Maxx briefly before my doc appt- but it was just to use a $50 store credit I had- plus I needed socks. We don't really shop anymore. I feel like our spirit is a bit broken these days, because we miss you so much. But wow, how you would love us now- eating breakfast out and not shopping. I'm sorry for not going to see the Star Wars sequel- was it Episode 8? I know we saw 7 together, but I think it was 8 where you went to see it alone b/c I wanted to go to Marshall's. I'm really sorry about that. Again, one of my many mistakes in life and with you. I miss you so much, Dad. Mom bleached my hair today- she thinks it's too early and I'll have horrible roots by mid Feb- but no worries, I'll either have roots, or I'll bleach it again. It'll work out. I love you, Dad. I want your day to be about you, and I want it to be perfect. I love you to the moon and back. Love, MK, GK, and Lil Kat

Hi Dad. I have angels on the mind today. We (I) finally *finally* took down the Christmas tree, can you believe it? We've been busy cleaning the house, and I just didn't get around to taking the tree down until today. But I couldn't part with a lot of ornaments (until next year), so I took them from the tree and hung them up on the walls of my bedroom. Aunt Nance gave us a beautiful ornament that is a silver frame of you- and folded in back, is your beautiful obit. It's so special to me- so I have it hanging above my bed, so you can guard me. I also took, oh, 3-4 (or 5) angel ornaments that we got this year, and relocated them to my bedroom. I mean, my bedroom is already covered in ornaments from a few years ago when Hallmark at Southpoint was going out of business- and they were practically giving away their ornaments. Koi, of course, just went nuts with them, and we bought a whole lotta. So, my room is plastered with ornaments, plus Koi's artwork. I remember you used to tell me my room looked like a 'hoarders' room, but I think it's more organized- and clean, too! I dusted almost everything (and vacuumed, too). So that's what I've been up to this week. Not much. I don't know what MK is going to have me do tomorrow. She always has marching orders for me- to do one thing or another. I think she wants to clean her room, so maybe I'll have to help her with that. And then soon enough, it'll be the weekend, and it's time to clean all over again 🙁 Gosh, we didn't even clean my room- or Koi's room! I did organize her toys (and my wall and misc) but it's not like I emptied everything out of the rooms like I used to do and have MK run the sweeper. I'm sure she'd love to do that next week. Woo hoo 🙁 Oh well, it's better than doing nothing. So anyhow, I have angels on the mind from all the ornaments that are now in my bedroom. I miss you so much. I've got some bad news- Peyton can't come to your internment. He has two tests that his butthole teacher won't let him postpone.

Hi Dad. It's me, Jen. I forgot to send MK's yellow candle last night. I must have been tired- or distracted? I don't know. Koi and I actually went to bed early last night. BUT- she woke up at 3:41am and was up for the day! Can you believe it? I have been dragging all day. It's been tough! Mom and I haven't done much. We cleaned some more- and picked up a Valentine's sheet cake for Koi (and for us, heh). You know how we like to eat sheet cake for breakfast in the mornings. I'm just hoping Koi will sleep tonight. It's already 10pm, so I should get her out of the shower and put her to sleep. So, this is to be continued... I'll be back once I get Koi out. Love you so much, Dad. <3 Jen/G Kat

I'm sending you a prayer tonight, Dad. I am having a difficult evening. There are lots of tears and thinking and missing you in my life. You are such a special human being, and it still seems surreal that you are gone. I called DFAS for Mom again today, and she was happy with the progress of them processing the paperwork (the pages and pages of paperwork I helped MK with months ago). Anyhow, I told you I wouldn't let you down, so at this point it is a waiting game. But me helping MK with her paperwork doesn't bring you back. I think I either have to follow up with USAA re. the Umbrella and Auto policy and/or call OPM tomorrow and follow up with that. OPM is going to take ages, because I didn't even get the packets until late December (less then a month ago). But you always made sure we were taken care of. You did everything to help and protect us- and I don't think I can ever thank you. I'm going to cut my note short, because I'm just feeling very emotional, so I need to numb the pain with pills and videos of random documentaries. I love and miss you, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. You are my everything. Love you, Dad. xoxo G Kat <3

I don't think very much happened today. It was a pretty uneventful day. MK sent me to Walmart twice in preparation of the snow- yay. She wakes me up with my marching orders, and then she keeps going all day. She is slowing down, physically, these days, but what she has lost in physical speed, she has gained in verbal agility. Lol. She orders me around incessantly, and sometimes it's just too much, and we butt heads. God, she's so annoying. Ah, but you know that. She is mourning, too- so I need to remind myself of that. But I wish she would talk more "at" me ("everybody is talking at me"- you used to sing me that song). That's how I feel often. Koi talks at me, insisting I repeat what she says, and MK talks at me- and wants me to do things very specifically for her. She'll probably scream at me shortly to take Koi out of the tub. I don't really have anyone to talk to, now that you're no longer here. You were my bestie, that's for sure. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you- and I just wish you were still here. I'll never get over losing you. But I hope I can do a better job of coping. Love you so much- I'll talk to you tomorrow (or, later today in about five minutes) xoxo MK and GK

Hi Dad- I'm lighting a green candle today. Green is my favorite color. But this candle looks like more of a neon green. Anyhow, how are you? Today wasn't so good for me. I saw some old guy who reminded me of Neil Corona (the guy who lived down the street from us- he passed recently, before you, of lung/throat cancer, I believe). Anyhow, thinking of him made me think of you. Because I know he suffered physically. And I know you did, too. But you also suffered cognitively. I remember asking you about your AFBA insurance, and you really stared at that letter, because you wanted to give me the right answer. Never fear! You did give me the right answer- I did continue paying those premiums and they did pay out- after two long months- to Mom. But I saw how you struggled. But on the other hand, you were funnier than ever. You had a wit about you- the nurses loved you and loved talking to you. You always made them laugh, and you always made me laugh. I remember I was trying to "wash" your hair, and you were like "what are you doing?" and I replied, "I'm using dry shampoo on you." You said "well it's not very dry." I thought that was so funny- because you were still so quick witted. During the last eight months of your life, you thought we were living in- oh- 1984, I believe. I think Colleen, your nurse, asked you a bunch of questions, and you thought Reagan was the President. No big deal- she said that your short term memory had been affected, but the short term memories become old/long term memories, and you'll soon start remembering things, if that makes any sense. You really tried and worked so hard. You taught yourself how to text and call me. Boy, did you master that. I'm sorry I slept through so many of your texts and calls throughout the middle of the night. I was so exhausted- mostly from having to previously commute to the VA twice a day in that horrible traffic. I know that's not really an excuse, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for not waking up many nights. I

Here's MK's yellow candle (yet again). Why does Koi get louder and louder as the wee hours of the night go by? And then she can't wake up in the morning. Sigh! Well, I better get her to go to sleep. MK is doing okay. She is just getting through the days. I know she is antsy for February to come- so you can be laid to rest and be at peace. That is important to her. I think she is more on edge than she leads on, but that is MK as you know. She is okay, though. She still has a bad cough and ironically she won't go to the doctor herself. Hypocrite, right? I got her some cough drops and I also got her some very expensive cough syrup that was lousy- so she made me return it! Heh. That's MK for you. She's getting better, though. We are all hoping that none of us will be really sick in February- because it seems like it's going to get much colder before it starts warming up again. Anyhow, MK is doing okay and she wanted me to tell you that she loves you and misses you. I know it's true. You are always on her mind, as you are on ours. We both love you- so much. It's hard to live and press on when your anchor is gone. But you are always in our hearts- and in that sense, you will never be gone. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you immensely. Much love, MK and G Kat

Hi Dad- it's super late (early) but at least I'm here, right? Koi and I have a completely backwards schedule these days. She's still tracked out, as you know- which means NO schedule at home. We sleep in too late, and then we don't leave the house until it's almost dark (usually to get her dinner, and then we come home). I finally got the back of my head trimmed up (just a neck trim, I swear), and I stopped by Walmart and Target and finally got Koi a few toys. I know- just what she needs, right? More toys! But she really didn't get very much for Christmas, and she's been sick for the last three weeks (she is finally on the mend). She's a good kid, so I spent the last of the money I had on some toys for her. I know if you were here, you'd "slip" me some bills- you always did! But that's not why I miss you so much. I miss you, because I could always talk to you. I could go to you with any problems I had- or if I just wanted to vent or talk to you. I miss your friendship so much. You were an amazing Dad to me, but you were also my friend- my very best friend. It's hard for me to write, because it makes me emotional- and I don't want Koi to see me crying all the time (because she's right behind me). But that is why I miss you so much. You are such an important person in my life- and I just miss you so much. I did get an email from your sister today. She still has insomnia, so she wrote me. I'm glad- she wrote to let us know she's still thinking and praying for us. Kim is sick and she has jury duty tomorrow- Raper's luck, right?! It seems like this horrible flu is going around. I hope we will all be okay by the time February rolls around, but you know I'm coming regardless. It's only the most important day of my life to me. I love you so much, Dad. I guess I should try to hit the sack. Like you, I watch too much YouTube these days. For me, it gets my mind off how much I miss you. It's just a distraction- so I watch it a lot. I love you to the moon and back. This was a lo

Ooops- I didn't post a yellow candle, didn't I? Well, I'm sure MK will forgive me 😉 I like these interlocking rings. To me, your marriage, despite all the bickering, was 100% solid and real. You both never blinked an eye, and were always there for each other. You were both loyal, loving, and stood by each other. When you got sick, Mom didn't even blink an eye when we were adapting to the changes to your body. Sure, we weren't very nice to you- but hey- that's us, right? 😉 You know we love you more than anything. You were our ring leader. You were in charge of all of us. You protected us, and always had our best interest at heart. You always took care of us. I promise I will do my best to honor your name- and your life- by trying to do the same. It was MK who was holding you when you left. She was the one who was comforting you, saying "it's okay... shh shh shhh." I was the idiot running around, trying to change your oximeter battery (a failure til the end, right?) But MK didn't know what death felt like- so she didn't realize you had gone. I tried my best to give chest compressions, but it was too late. I'm sorry I failed you. Again, if I could take all my mistakes back, I would in a second. I feel like such a failure. But it still doesn't affect the way I see your marriage. I am so in awe of the partnership the two of you had. In sickness and in health- you were both always there for each other. And MK honestly did think, as did I, that you would be around much much longer. I'm just so sorry. I love you, Dad. I miss you. There is such a huge hole in my heart. I love you so much. Until tomorrow- I love you to the moon and back... G Kat/MKat and Lil Kat

Hi Dad. How have you been? Koi and I had a pretty decent (uneventful) day today. We tried a new/old pizza place- Brixx (new location- where the new Five Guys is- I'm not sure if you ever went to their new location, off Hwy 55?) Anyhow, there is now a Brixx Pizza there. We tried it out of necessity. We used to go to a place called Uncle Maddio's Pizza (on the Target side of that strip mall). But guess what? They went broke. So that's that. We've been going to NY Style Pizza- both locations- the one in Cary, off Tryon, and also the on off 55- the one we usually go to. It kind of made us "sick" (the runs), so we needed to find another place. So far, knock on wood, Brixx seems okay 😉 I also had some oatmeal and loads of leftover Starbucks toppings on it (see this morning's note lol). I also bought a sheet cake so we can eat that for breakfast. I also bought some Fruit Loops for MK and some Raisin Bran for me. I like all of the cereals you used to eat. I usually buy Raisin Bran (the one with Omega 3 in it, because it has flax seeds in it and it's really crunchy), Fruit Loops, and Frosted Mini Wheats. Occasionally, I'll buy Special K with berries, but it's not very flavorful. Anyhow, as you can see, we didn't have an eventful day today. MK and I talked about you a lot- again. I wrote a thank you note to the DFAS rep we called earlier this week who was nice and helpful to us. But still- we couldn't help but go down that road again- what could we have done differently? Should we have put you in long-term care? Should we have pulled you out of the hospital earlier? We left you at the VA for 2-3 weeks longer than you should have. We were scared, and didn't know what to do/how to care for you. So, we asked that more tests be run, and we wanted to make sure you weren't rushed home- that you were healthy enough to come home. But should we have brought you home during the first week of August, rather than the last week? Or rather, should we have pressed for you to go back? I hav

Here's MK's candle. She made me/us oatmeal this morning. I bought "steel cut" oats, and of course, she complained about it. But she has discovered that Starbucks sells oatmeal, and you can ask for "extra toppings"- which, of course, she makes me do. And then we make our own oatmeal and put those extra toppings on that. Typical MK, right? 😉 She misses you. This week, we were on the phone with USAA, and she was tearing up. We were on the phone with DFAS, and she started tearing up when the phone call was over. I thought "what a weirdo" but then I realize- she is still mourning- and her emotions come out at different times than mine. My emotions become raw at night- and when I first wake up, too. Like I say, you are the first person I think about in the mornings and the last person I think about at night. I think about you all day, too- but I guess because I'm with Koi, I focus on all the positives- like what a wonderful soul you are. It's in the mornings and nighttimes I think about how much I miss you. MK is still mourning- privately and quietly. She asks for nothing- well, except for me to make follow up calls. Which I do. The car title came. Because USAA screwed us in the beginning, we had to go downtown to unfreeze your accounts- and it was there the Deputy Clerk told us to go to the DMV to change the name on the title to just MK's name. Well that was months ago, and the title finally came. I have found all of your important papers, not to worry. You were organized, but not so much 🙂 But I've found everything, because you kept immaculate records. And I have kept all of your emails, and will heed to all of your instructions. I promise. And I already told you- but I'll say it again- I updated your computer and mine to Sierra 11.2.2, I think it is. You would like it, although Apple isn't what it used to be. I hope you and Steve are having your first conversations in heaven. I love you to the moon and back (now I say this too much, don't I?) LOVE YOU xoxo MK and GK

Sorry, Dad! I fell asleep last night, as I was getting ready to write. Koi "lured" me into bed lol and it was all over. Once I get into bed, I basically pass out 🙁 It was an okay day yesterday- it got cold all of a sudden, and I think today is freezing cold as well. You are still up in Raleigh, and I know you are freezing, too. 🙁 I just read an article/blog in the Washington Post and it reminded me of you. It was a mother's blog about experiencing the threat of a nuclear attack (for 38 minutes in Hawaii- it was a false alarm). But it reminded of the time in 2001, when you wrote us all "the final plan" and you were always protecting your family. Always. I look back, and I think this is the underlying theme as you being my Father- you were always protecting me. You never stopped. Even as I sit here, forty-five (gasp) years old, your instructions on what to do after you pass- again, have protected us (me, Mom, and Koi too). I don't know how to thank you- and honestly, I can't Because this is the sort of thing that you realize it's true intrinsic value when it's too late to thank the person who wrote it. All I can say is that you were the finest human being- the kindest, gentlest human soul. You mean everything to me. I miss you so much- mornings/afternoons/evenings- are so quiet without you. It's not because you were loud, but rather- it was because I always had someone I could talk to- if I wanted to. I used to email you constantly, even though you were in the next room. I just miss that so much. I look back on your emails- I haven't the strength to fully do that yet- but I do take a gander- and I noticed how you weren't feeling well before your stroke. It seems like that pace maker surgery didn't go well. And to think I encouraged you to get it. It's really unbearable. I wish I had done so much differently. All I can say is that I am truly sorry. I wish I had done more- I wish I was more to you than a liability and a drain on your life. I love you so much, Dad- a

Here's the same yellow candle from Mom today. What's new with her? Not much. She bought some more pants- and a dress for the internment, so she is relieved. She was really worried about not being able to find a dress that fit her- short arms, legs, and all. Hopefully my dress still fits, and Koi will be wearing a casual dress- but she'll look decent, I hope. Aside from that, not much else is going on today. Koi had pizza and MK had bubble tea. I ate garlic knots and they made me sick. We have nothing planned for the weekend. We've been experiencing unseasonably warm weather lately- you would love it. But it's supposed to cool down again by Sunday (in a day or two). Koi is still tracked out- for another two weeks, so we'll just continue to do our thing- maybe try to get out of the house more, despite MK not wanting to do anything. We love and miss you so much, Dad. You are in our hearts each and every minute of each and every day. I love you to the moon and back. Love, G Kat xoxo

Hi, Dad. Well, I started off the evening strong, but it's super late, and I am fading. Koi has been amped up on Lord knows what all. Night. And it's driving me cray cray. I finally took her phone away from her, b/c she was jumping and laughing- laughing and jumping on the bed. And when MK tried to wake us up tomorrow- she will be mad mad mad if Koi pulls the "sleeping all day" thing again. Help! Anyhow, I met with my nut doctor today (the M.D.) and it was a good session. But all I did was ramble- and she listened- which is what I like my therapists to do (much like what you are doing here with me). My new therapist actually lectures me on academic theories of psychology- and as much as you may love them, having a degree in psychology, it actually bores me to tears... heh. So I'm not a big fan of the therapy sessions. And since I'm not a big fan of them, they're not going to work. On top of things, Koi and Mom and I are still marginally sickish- going on week THREE, if you can imagine. Well of course you can- you were much sicker than us for months and months- with horrible infections and bacterium. I felt so badly for you- and helpless. I still do. I feel like I screwed up with your care, and we should have brought you home two weeks sooner than we did. Your nurse said you were stable in the beginning of August, and you didn't come home until the end of August. I think the fact of the matter is that we were scared. Like exhibit A. You came home- and you kept getting sick and I didn't know what to do- so I'd call 911. I just failed you miserably on so many levels. I'm sorry, Dad. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. I can't go back and change things, but I would give my own life if I could bring you back. I love you more than anything- to the moon and back. I am getting ready for February. It's going to be hard. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you and the pain never stops. The feeling of loss and the huge void never goes away. Sometimes I feel

Here is Grumpy Kat's candle. Boy was she is a "great" mood tonight. She says she wakes up early. But I'm up when she is. She lays on the couch all day. And she goes to bed early at night. I'm up almost twice as long as she is. I always thought older people needed less sleep, but I guess that was another old wives tale, eh? Although- you never slept much. 🙁 God, I wish so much our last week together went differently. I was so tired (no excuse), and there were so many other things I should have done. I should have proceeded with your care so differently and with more diligence. I hate myself. But I love you more than anything. Mom is a grumpy pants. Hopefully she'll be ok by tomorrow morning. She sure was all teese this morning, wink wink you know why), but by the night- it's like "what have you done for me lately." Ugh she is so frustrating. I'm glad she's at the other end of the house (and we have a long house). I only have to deal with Koi stimming, and I can deal with that. Let tomorrow morning be a bit better, but overall, I did have a decent day (it wasn't very eventful). I pray everyday, and I pray that we will one day soon cross paths. I love you so much, Dad. And my life will never be the same- or as rich and wonderful- as it was when you were in it. Until tomorrow- I love you to the moon and back, Jen/G Kat

Hi again, Dad. Today was an okay day. Thankyouverymuch for you know what 😉 You are always taking care of MK- and today was yet another example of how you were reaching out to me, trying to help me- and Mom, of course. Thank you. So I can't really say I had a bad day- but you know nights are tough for me- especially when Mom is tired and sick and old and grumpy. It's hard to have patience with her. You know how she likes to blame everything on.... well, me (you're not the fall guy anymore, whaddya know) 😉 So the reason why Koi is up late every night is b/c of me. It has nothing to do with the fact that she laid on the couch all day and finally, at 6:30, I'm like "can we please get out of the house and get Koi some dinner?" But I didn't say anything- I just asked her to stop bugging me and berating me in front of Koi- you know, because Koi is super sensitive to that sort of stuff. Now, it's the witching hour- and Koi is super hyper, super-stimming, and just saying the same thing over- and over- and over again. I have my nut doctor appt. tomorrow- the doctor part, so that'll be good. It'll be short and sweet. I really don't like the therapy sessions. I don't feel like I mesh with my therapist. Maybe it'll eventually work out, but for now- I don't enjoy going. Oh, Next to that "new" Szechuan place we found (the guy who takes my pee at the doctor's office recommended it to me lol). We also found a place called "Milk Lab." It's an Asian thing, I guess. They make ice cream on cold slabs of metal- and they also sell boba tea (which is what Mom and I tried). It wasn't very good, but we didn't want any more Chinese food, and we had to do something while Koi at her pizza. The NY Pizza there is decent, although I'm thinking the one on 55- by our house- is the same chain, and just as good. So maybe we'll try that tomorrow- who knows. I still want to go back to that NY Pizza place off Tryon Rd- the one next to the McDonald's on Tryon Rd. Do you remember what I'm talking about?

Here's MK's candle. She's in bed. I was able to get a store credit from Zappos- so I gave it to MK. She's busy trying to figure out the Zappos app. I think she's already found something- but we'll "discuss" it tomorrow, she says. Her cold is getting better- she's coughing less but still blowing her nose a lot (yuck). Koi is also blowing her nose a lot, but the coughing is less, as is the sneezing. I am still hoping I don't catch it! Koi and I both had the flu last week, so I hope we can all just shake this disease. I took down the (outside) Christmas tree and lights, which is always sad. But i still have the (inside) tree up- I can't take that down until Koi goes back to school- she won't let me! Lol. Anyhow, I love you, and I miss you. Koi is super hyper- jumping on the bed and talking a mile a minute. And MK wonders why Koi sleeps all day! She's wired and it's 2:30am! I better join her in bed and try to calm her down. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you. I love you to the moon and back, Jen (and MK and Koi too) xoxo <3

Hi, Dad. I've been up and down tonight. I've been emailing your sister (my Aunt), and as much as I love talking to her, a part of me becomes really depressed, because she reminds me so much of you. I had emailed her something I saw via Zillow (I checked your email, as I still do periodically, just to stay on top of news- you have a lot of good news links sent to you). Anyhow, I saw that your childhood home in Wheeling is "for rent." I thought- "how great would it be" if I could move up to Wheeling and rent your old childhood home. Whiskey talk, as you would say. But it's fun to think about. I was looking at the pics, and the home has been very well maintained. Nancy has a lot of good memories in the home, but she says the two of you didn't hang out much growing up. So of course that depressed me- because she seemed depressed by it. So as it goes, right? You were older, and I remember you telling me- you worked a lot as a teen- at the Theatre. Ah if only I had your work ethic, right? Oh- the NC state tax bill finally arrived. I filed yours and MK's taxes late- and although I paid the Federal as soon as I filed it via Turbotax, I didn't pay the State (I thought I didn't owe any state taxes- according to "my" calculations). But NC thought otherwise. So I didn't appeal it- I paid it, and I've learned my lesson. I have a feeling something was a death tax. Don't sweat it too much- I'll look it over again and make sure. And I won't make any mistakes next year- that I can promise you. I give you my word. It's just when I filed them last year/beginning of this year, so much was going on. I will be able to think with more clarity for this year). Anyhow, so that's what I woke up to this "morning" (late) when I overslept- a tax bill. And then MK and I finally gave USAA a call back and put all of the insurance stuff in her hame: auto, home, and umbrella. So that's that, as MK would say. I didn't want to rush to do it- because everything was still good with your name on the polic

Here's is MK's yellow candle. She's still sick, if you can believe it. She's coughing and sneezing, and stays in bed all day. Se'll be ok. There is something going through, that's for sure. Koi had the flu last week (and then I caught a milder version of it). Now she has a bad cold- her wee nose is all red. And now MK has that cold- she's coughing, sneezing, and blowing her nose. It's gross. None of us have much energy, and we're all sleeping a lot. But no complaints- it's just more of a hassle than anything else. We'll get through it. We all miss you so much. Like you, I waited until an unseasonably warm day (today it was in the high 40's) and I took down the Christmas lights and outside ornaments and twirly lights and such. Like Father, like daughter, right? Even MK was laughing how lazy we both are and how much we both dislike the cold. Anyhow, the Christmas lights are finally down. The Christmas tree is still up, but that's for Koi. I don't know if she'll let me take it down. It'll come down when she goes back to school. We'll see. I hope you are well. I miss you so much, Dad. I would give anything for you to come back. Even for a minute, so I can tell you how much you mean to me. I'll write you tomorrow- hopefully with more energy and happiness than I have tonight. It's just hard for me tonight. But I'll try again tomorrow- to make you proud and to honor your name- and your legacy. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. xoxo Jen/G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. How are you? I'm missing you, as always. Koi is out of school for a long long time right now- which gives me a lot of "down" time to think about things (you). I love and miss you so much. I texted Aunt Nancy today- I sent her pictures of you/us, and I just tell her how much I miss you. She misses you and thinks (and prays) about you often. She thought about you last night (as did I) and we both had some "deep thoughts" that we've since forgotten (of course). Anyhow, you are always on our minds- and it's just hard not to see you everyday. You have been in my life since the day I was born, and I am having a hard time with you not being in my life. I guess you'll always "be" in my life- but I miss seeing you- a lot. You remember how you took on a whole new appreciation for your Father- with his patent for the "flux capacitor" as you called it (I found that file on my computer the other day btw) and you studied his genealogy to find out what great crusaders (or founders- I'm not sure) your family was. You were so proud, and I thought it was really cool how you took such an interest in your family history. Anyhow, I feel like I am going through kind of what you went through. Although, rather than being impressed with our whole family, I have become quite enamored with you- as I go through your papers, and see all the things and preparations you completed for Mom in the chance that you would pass prematurely. It's a shame that 77 isn't considered "premature" because I think it is. You were robbed, I think. Your Father lived to 81- and they didn't have as good of health care back then. It makes me wonder if you received good health care. Did you? I don't know. You had wonderful nurses- but what about medical care? I wish there was more I could have done- and I wish there was more that certain people (both private and at the VA) could have done. The rehab guy has blood on his hands as far as I'm concerned- dropping you from rehab because he felt your progress wasn'

Hi Dad. I heard from two of your nurses today- Miss Shelia and Miss Betty. They texted me out of the blue and let me know what fond memories they have of your precious smile and how you would always say "you're okay." You really made an impression on so many nurses (and doctors, too) when you stayed at the VA during the summer. You initially were only supposed to be there for a few weeks, but you kept getting setbacks... and when things were looking bleak, you would surprise everyone and get better. You had several setbacks, but you conquered them ALL. We were so happy when you finally came home. You beat the odds and recovered from all of your setbacks- and you were doing really well. You wanted to keep living, but, as Mom says, your body just gave out. We miss you every single day. I never stop thinking about you. I just went into Mom's room, because I remembered when you grabbed my arms and looked at me right in the eyes. I didn't know what was going on- so I just asked you "What is it, Dad? It's okay." I wish so much I had known. I'm glad you were at home, and despite our craziness of screaming and general dysfunction, you know you were loved so much. We love you with every ounce of our being. Please know that- despite how we used to banter in our usual crazy way. I just miss you. And Betty and Shelia miss you, too. They thought you were so handsome! They loved your smile. And you were so low maintenance with them (what?! Lol.) I thought it was nice of them to text me. You see? So many people are better off having known you and having had you in their lives. I'm living proof and your #1 fan. Koi was sitting on your hospital bed today- it still doesn't have air in it, because I pulled the emergency plug and deflated it. Koi didn't mind. She happily sat on your bed and watched YouTube. She always teaches me so much about not being afraid. And she forces me to face my fears, which is a great thing. We all love you so much, Dad. And we miss you terribly. Sleep well.

Mom wanted to leave just a simple message to you today- "I miss you." She tells me "I know you miss him, but he is here. He's always with us." And I do feel you are always with us. We talk about you so much, we even laugh a bit and repeat your jokes and the "world according to Dawg." I almost forgot- Star Wars- you know, the "final" chapter opened tonight. Obviously, I didn't go. You and I saw the premiere in 1979 ish and I don't think I'm going to go. I may watch it when it comes to Netflix, though- in your honor. I appreciated episode 7 (I think?) that we saw together. And I regret not going to see the next one with you- but I'm glad you went to see it. The last one (this one)- we'll watch together, at home, on Netflix or Amazon video- whatever it hopefully comes to. It's just not important anymore. I miss you so much. You educated me and turned me onto so many things. You were right- you truly were the world's last Renaissance Man 🙂 I love you so much, Dad. I better hit the hay, as I hear Koi tossing and turning. But I love you infinitely. Talk to you tomorrow- love you, Jen

Hi, Dad. I miss you. I must sound like a broken record, saying the same thing every day. But I do- I miss you terribly. I've been texting your sister a lot today- Nance. She is a sweetheart. She send me, Mom, and Koi a huge box full of Christmas goodies, with a kind, caring card. She said that she knows our hearts are heavy, but she wanted to send us something to bring us joy and honor your memory. She gifted us this BEAUTIFUL ornament with your picture in it, with the date... and it says "always remembered 2017." I will never put this ornament away- it's going in my bedroom after Christmas. Right now, it's front and center on our tree- right where everyone can see it. And your obit- from the Wheeling Intelligencer- is enclosed on the back, and you can take it out and read it. I thought that was SO thoughtful of Aunt Nancy. Thoughtfulness really does run in our family, doesn't it? She also sent us a HUGE tin of cookies that we will attack for breakfast tomorrow- and she gave Koi a Christmas tree that lights up ornament. Koi loves Christmas trees, as you know, and this one is beautiful- it's like a miniature of the tree Mom made years ago and put in our bay window in Burke. Anyhow, I thought it was really kind of Aunt Nancy to send us all of those goodies. I have so much to update you with. We finally received the DFAS and OPM packets in the mail (DFAS on Friday and OPM on Saturday). I finished them both on Saturday- I did one during the day and one at night. The OPM packet was tricky, as they wanted all sorts of proof of marriage, DD 214, VA stuff, and Mom's entitlements to survivorship bennies. I think I managed to paw through everything- your tupperware containers, and low and behold, your folders that say "IMPORTANT" well what do you know? I found most of what I needed in those folders! I appreciate you reaching out yet again to guide me and Mom, knowing we are stupid lol. You made everything easy for me, and I cannot thank you enough. I found your VA award lett

Here's Mom's candle for you, as always. She is a woman of few words, unless she's nagging me of course 😉 She misses you a lot, though. We talk about you all day, everyday. We try to honor your memory and your life as best as we can. Our "work" isn't over. We're going to make sure your life was honored properly. I was going through some of your old documents and I came across an old echocardiogram from 2010. It was completely normal. How could things change so much in just seven years? I have a lot of questions, and a lot of unresolved issues with your health care. I do intend to eventually get to the bottom of things. But first I need to take care of Mom- and her insurance and pensions. Then we have to fix up the house a bit.. oh and then it'll be time to do taxes again- but this time they won't be late. But I will get to the bottom of things, because I cannot have closure unless I have some answers. You were such a strong man- you even surprised me. You fought long and hard, and you had a joie de vivre that was infectious. You had so much life in you- and I hate how your body gave out way before you wanted to. I miss you so much. Mom misses you so much. And Koi, of course, misses you so much. She sits on your hospital bed and plays. Even deflated- she doesn't care. We all miss you. I wish the void wasn't so painful, but I hope to find a way to honor your life and memory. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. Jen

Sundays are always difficult for me, Dad. I miss you more than ever. I don't know why Sundays are more difficult- probably because it's a day of reflection, and I just think about you, and how much I miss you. I miss you so much. I have three packets to mail off for Mom tomorrow- one for DFAS and two for OPM. I hope you are proud of me. I am doing everything, as specifically instructed on your survivorship sheet. You always took care of us- so well. I was rereading the sheet today, and there are a few things I still need to do. I should give Tricare a call and make sure they are informed of the changes. I'll make sure I go over your document with a fine toothed comb and I will not miss any detail. I promise. I will try my best to honor your memory by living right and doing the right things. Right now, my faith is faltering. I feel lost and alone. I want to slip back to my old, self-destructive ways- but I give you my word that I won't. I promise I won't. You worked so hard to help me and help me live a good life. So in your honor, I will try my very best to live that good life. I love you, Dad. I'm pretty emotional, so I'll cut this short. But I love you to the moon and back. You were (and are) the best Dad in the universe. I can't imagine my life without you. You will always be in my heart- I am you. And I love you. Love you, Jen

You must be getting tired of Mom's yellow candles, eh? I'll try to convince her to switch it up a bit this week. She misses and loves you. But you know that. She is constantly in awe over how much you prepared for your passing. You did everything for her, and I remind her of that- right down to the giant blue folder that says "IMPORTANT" in all caps (for us). You really laid out a very clear and simple road map in order for us to be able to navigate the future (Mom's future regarding her pensions) with your meticulous attention to detail. Just because your paperwork isn't always in order, like orderly (cough cough), it's ALL there- and it's all labeled clearly. I was able to find it all. And Mom should have no trouble transitioning and getting all the benefits that you provided for her. You were definitely a man of honor who took care of his family. I love you so much. And don't you worry- I remind Mom how lost we would be if it wasn't for your survivorship paper and instruction. BTW- our Macs are falling apart (not literally, but system wise). I wish so much I would have listened to you more. I may have to make an appointment with the Mac people and get everything "fixed"- the ipads and my laptop. All in due time, I promise. Tuesday I'm taking your car in for a check up. Tomorrow, I have a nut doctor appt. One day at a time, right? I love you so much, Dad. Until tomorrow... xoxo Jen (and Mom)

Hi again, Dad. Today was tough. I don't know why, but it was. My new "nut doctor" was of zero help, because hey- I'm my Father's daughter and I just have a hard time buying into that hokey bs (hey your words not mine!) It just makes me miss you more. Talking about coping strategies is just a bunch of bull. I miss you terribly, and honestly I'd just rather feel the pain and misery of not having you in my life. I found an old video of you- not too old- from 2010. You were swimming in the ocean and you caught a great wave. I wondered how you could be so healthy looking in 2010 and then deteriorate in seven years. Why, Dad? I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will. I know you were ill before your stroke, but the stroke just made everything worse. You are a fighter, that's for sure. You are my everything, and you are my HERO. The video didn't make me cry (too much)- it actually made me smile. So that's progress, isn't it? I'm taking your car into the garage tomorrow. Fingers crossed nothing major is wrong with it (I think it's just a routine tune up- the car is brand new, after all). Like you, I will wait at the garage. And I'll get the umbrella policy settled with Mom's insurance this week, if not tomorrow. We'll see how much time I have left after the garage appt. Mom has an endless list of things for me to do (for her), and they all require me calling people/agencies to follow up on paperwork I've sent in. It's not fun being Mom's slave! Where are you, Dad? You always rescued me. It's okay- I can fend for myself, but I do miss you. Only now do I appreciate everything you did for me and our family. I love you infinitely. Until tomorrow... Love you so much, Jen

Hi Dad. I miss you. Today was another hard day. But all of your hard work had paid off. We received a letter of reimbursement from the VA for funeral costs plus transportation. Not only that, it was determined by the VA that your passing was in fact caused by a service-related illness. That is "good" news regarding MK's DIC payment. We haven't heard about the DIC yet, but it's a step in the right direction with this determination of findings letter (it is similar to your disability letter- it shows the outcome/determination, findings of fact, rationale, etc. So all of your hard work, documenting your illnesses for years and years (and decades) was finally acknowledged that your early passing was caused by service-related illness. I don't want to say this is good news, but Mom said you would be proud. You did all the legwork, and executed all of this- to prove that Agent Orange did in fact cause your heart disease and diabetes. You went a step further and laid out what I had to do in order to apply on your behalf. And all of your hard work paid off. Mom and I had tears in our eyes- because we know what this means. The VA acknowledges that your death was caused by Agent Orange. I don't want to say we feel "vindicated" because there isn't a tinge of anything positive in terms of how we feel. But we want to continue to honor your life by bringing to attention the truth of your illnesses. I would give anything to bring you back. Anything. This paperwork means nothing if you could just be here with us. I feel so robbed of precious time that we could have had together. Now I understand why you were always in a hurry. You used to tell me that you don't have time. And now I get it. I wish so much you had more time. I know you had so much life left in you. I still don't understand how and why your body gave out- but I do know you still wanted to live. I miss you so much. I hope you feel vindicated, just a little bit, and proud of yourself. You did so much work to document you

Here is Mom's candle. We took Koi ice skating today- it was an event for special needs kids. Unfortunately not many folks showed up, though. But I managed to score a toy for Koi at Target, so I think all in all, it was a successful day. Oh, and we did get the car serviced. We got the oil changed and tired rotated. No car wash, because their car wash is being rebuilt in a different location (like up the hill from the service station), and the "run off" has to be a certain way (going in a certain direction with enough trees to absorb the runoff) plus the water has to be a certain percentage recycled... so it's going to take a few more weeks before their car wash is in running order. I promise you I will take the care back- whether their new one is oped or there is an old one I can use, and I will get the car washed- for you. I love you, Dad. Mom does too (of course). Sleep well. I bought a coin purse that says "to the moon and back" because it reminded me of you. I used to write on your whiteboard at the VA Hospital every day and I would close by saying "I love you to the moon and back." I do I do I do. Love you (to the moon and back), Jen

Hi Dad. I'm missing you a lot tonight. I use your bathroom these days (mostly b/c mine isn't functioning- I need to call a plumber), but that's another story. Anyhow, I look around and see all the things as you left them- your soap, your shampoo, your shaving kit. And then I look at the items I had for you when you were in the next room- your lotions, razor, toothbrush and toothpaste. It's just hard. It's hard, Dad. I miss you so much. I look at myself in the mirror and I see you. Remember how many nurses used to tell us we looked alike? I'm thankful I inherited some of your good looks! You had that wonderful, devious grin. The nurses all loved you- you never asked them for anything and you were always happy. Sometimes I wondered how much you remembered- and I felt badly you were there for so long. You were beginning to forget your home. I don't know if you really knew you were home- when you did come home. I wonder about all of these things. Did you know how loved you were? Did you know how I would give anything to make you better as you were before? So many wishes- and regrets, too. But that's for another night. I won't go into it. I just want you to know I love you more than anything and the pain sometimes is so intense. I miss you so much, Dad. Until tomorrow... love you to the moon and back... Jen

Mom says "love you" and "miss you" and specifically instructed me not to talk "too much." Lol. Surely she doesn't know me. We both love and miss you. I wonder why Mom always chooses the yellow candle. She's a mystery, too. Our Christmas tree is adorned with so many angel ornaments this year- because it makes us feel closer to you. You are our angel, Dad. Our Guardian Angel. I love you infinitely. Mom bought two more stand-up angels (with fake candles that make them light up- it's really beautiful)... for a grand total of four. We put your picture in the middle of them and they light up the tonsu nicely. I put an angel ornament in your room/mancave, too. That way, when I go into your room and talk to you, I feel like the angel signifies who you are to us now- you watch over us and guide us. You are our heart. I love you so much, Dad. Love, Jen

Today was another difficult day- I don't know why, aside from the obvious of missing you and feeling such a huge void. Today was Koi's last day of school for a month now. Koi was tracked out last time when you were with us. I wish so much, in a way, she was in school- I feel like I could have (should have) spent more time with you. I was too preoccupied trying to juggle her needs (well, you know what I mean), instead of focusing on you and trying to get you better. Ugh. So many regrets. I hate myself. But I love you more than anything. I miss you so much. Sometimes I really do feel your presence, though. I feel like you are watching over me, like my guardian angel. This year we have so so many guardian angel ornaments (I know, I've said this). They just make me think of you. I keep thinking about how all the nurses thought we looked alike. It brings a smile to my face. I love you, Dad. I'll have more energy tomorrow- I'll type more tomorrow. I think waking up early is taking its toll on me, oh- and Koi has a stomach bug. So yeah- I'm a bit tired. But I'll get a bit more sleep tonight... so I'll have more energy tomorrow. I love you- to the moon and back- xoxo Jen

Here is Mom's yellow candle. She was cranky today. Koi's stomach bug (we think it's a stomach bug, we're not really sure)... is taking its toll on her, which is such bs- because I'm the one who is doing all the cleaning. See? See how I need you. I'm going to try my best to make you proud of me, ok? And we did get a notice from AFBA- just more paperwork to do before Mom can get what you have been paying since 1973. When I saw the date I could not believe it. You starting paying for life insurance when I was not even a year old. You were truly the finest man I ever did know, Dad. You are such a stand-up guy, and you always put your family first. I hope I can become just a fraction of the parent you were to me- then I will have been successful with Koi. You are amazing, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. Love, Mom (and Jen)

Here's Mom's yellow candle- she misses you. We were laughing over things you have said today. We laughed a lot. So that's a good thing, right? You were so full of wit and sarcasm. Like Mom said, you are always with us. I can't look at one scenario/situation w/o thinking "oh Dad would say this" or "Dad would do this" and then I smile or laugh to myself. You always made people laugh. Even at the VA, the nurses loved you. I only wish I spent more time with you. It seemed like we spent a lot of time together during the last eight months, but on the other hand, I wish I could have just sat there and had more quality time with you. I wasted too much time just running around, making sure I was doing everything decently (pills, appointments, etc.) I didn't stop and smell the roses with you. That's my biggest regret. I wish I took you outside more. I wish we would have taken a walk together in your wheelchair. I wish, I wish, I wish, I know, Dad. But I do have so many wonderful memories of you. You have been the only male role model in my life- and I really and truly cherish the time we had together. It was robbed of us too soon, though. Way too soon. I love you, Dad. This is Mom's post- so I'll close by saying she really does miss you. You are always on her mind (I just said that in my Willy Nelson voice, just like you would have). Love you so very much, Dawg.

Hi Dad- it's Jen again. Today was another difficult day. Mom and I got a lot done, though. We went to get Mom her new military ID from DEERS. We were worried b/c her current ID had expired and she needed two forms of ID. But we lucked out- or rather- we had a Guardian Angel (cough cough) who was looking out for us. They took her expired ID and were able to use that as one form of ID (along with her Driver's License), and there you have it- she has her new "indefinite" ID. It's bittersweet, isn't it? She told me the story when you both went to DEERS and she asked why she couldn't get an "indefinite" ID like yours- and the woman there told her she had to "wait until your husband passes away." She said you gave her "that" look- and I can just picture that look. The "typical Miyako" look, right? You used to make us both laugh so much, Dad. I miss so much about you- your beautiful smile (wonderfully devlish), your sense of humor, your kindness, your compassion, couched with mockery and snarkiness. I loved everything about you- and today was just hard. But we did get Mom a new ID. And I re-faxed some documents to the IRS. The PoA was bounced back to me b/c I didn't specify what relation I was to you. So I went back and amended it- although I couldn't get your signature this time- so I had Mom sign for you. I also filed an additional form (Form 56 I think) that should hopefully take care of it. I promise I will get your taxes done. I give you my word. I miss you so much, Dad. It was a long, hard day. And I would give anything to have just one minute more with you. You were such a wonderful, kind, and nurturing human being. I had not realized how much you really took care of me and Mom (and Koi) until we lost you. Thank you, Dad. Thank you for everything you've done for us- each and every day your legacy lives on because we are all taken care of. I love you. xoxo <3

As always, here is Mom's yellow candle for you. She misses you, Dad. I saw her tear up when she was talking to our Funeral Director, Heather. She has to stay strong for all of us- because you know how weak I am. I am working on being stronger for her- so she can mourn without feeling so much pressure to be the "strong one." She is tough. She loves you so much. I saw that love after your stroke- she never missed a beat, and continue to care for you as if it was nothing. Sure, she complained- but that's our family, right? She never complained about you, as it related to your stroke- she just plugged away and did as much as she could. You both had such a strong marriage- and I didn't realize that until you left us. You are an amazing man, Dad- your character has created such a high car for me. I don't think I will ever meet another person with such a strong character as yourself. You took your family duties seriously- and you always took care of us and prepared everything for us. I hope you know how much I love you. I told you, but I don't feel like I told you enough. I love you infinitely, Dad. I hope you know that. Love, Us.

The yellow candle is from Mom (of course). She says "miss you." She's sleepy tonight- I don't know why- because tomorrow is her cleaning day. We've been talking about you a lot today, and I think it just stirs up all sorts of sadness and heartache. We miss you terribly. The pain is so intense. Sometimes- I start to think about things, and it just becomes so unbearable- I don't know how I'm going to make it through the minute, yet alone the day- or the rest of my life. I do know that life is fleeting- but I can't even make the most of what's left of mine- without you. I am lost. I love you, Dad.

I thought I'd send something different today, instead of a candle. I saw a ladybug today on our (your Subaru's) windshield. It made me think of you. Was it you, perhaps? I don't know. I wish I would get a sign from you- something to let me know you're okay. Is that selfish of me? I feel so broken and lost. I'm going to see a "nut doctor" as you used to call them... on Monday. They hired a new one at the place I go to, so we shall see. I don't think it's going to help. How do you process such intense pain and loss? I love you so much, Dad. You were one hell of a man, Father, Husband, Grandfather, and Friend. You were my best friend, and life will never be the same without you by my side. I love you, Dad.

This yellow candle is from... you guessed it. Mom (again). At least she's consistent, right? Mom and I have been talking about you so much today. We cleaned the house and talked and talked. It hurts so much to talk and re-live your last months. We keep asking ourselves if there is anything we could have done differently. Mom says you wanted to live, but your body gave out. You fought so hard- for eight long months. I know you did it for me. You knew I needed you. I'm just so sorry for so many things. I'm sorry for not taking you to the Emergency Room earlier the day of your stroke. I didn't realize you were having a stroke, because you didn't have the typical symptoms (the ones I had learned). You were feeling sick that weekend, but I didn't put two and two together. Maybe if I had called 911 sooner, they could have stopped the bleeding. I'm sorry I didn't call 911 sooner when your heart stopped. I waited a couple of minutes because I hadn't realized you had stopped breathing- I was too busy getting the oximeter and seeing if I needed to call 911. Although I started CPR as soon as I called 911- I feel like had I called sooner- those 3-5 minutes- could have saved you. Those two regrets are just starters. I also regret not pushing harder for PT. Noone wanted to give you PT when you were in the hospital. They blamed your "attitude" for not working with you. Why did I let them get away with that? Why? How can you blame someone who had a stroke (and suffered cognitive deficits) plus dementia and delirium? I have so many questions and regrets, and I'm finding it so difficult to have closure- because I honestly feel I could have done more. I wish I had done more for you. I wish I had talked to you more. I'm thankful I spent the nights with you when you were at the hospital, but I wish I had done more. I am thankful I spent (most) of the night with you on your last night with us- but I regret leaving at 4am until 7am. I'm sorry I was so tired- we were at the ER the night be

Hi Dad. It's been about a month since you left this earth. Today was so very hard- so hard, I couldn't even visit your page. I thought about you all day. I replayed in my mind your last week with us, the last eight months with us, the time before your stroke, and the time after. I keep thinking of all the things I could have done differently- perhaps to have helped you more and to have prolonged your life. I cannot forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. Your loss is unbearable. It's hard for me to type what I am feeling, because it's too painful. I've never experienced loss and heartbreak as deep and gut wrenching as this- losing you. I'm trying to be strong for Koi- and Mom, too. But I'm just not able to. Please forgive me for not doing more when you were fighting so hard these last eight months. I truly love you more than anybody in the world. You were my everything, and I am lost without you. Rest well. I will write you in the morning, Dad. I love you infinitely. Love, Jen

As promised, I always light a yellow candle in your honor, for Mom. She misses you, too. She really stepped up in caring for you, despite her whining (because hey- that's who we are, right?) She never missed a beat in your care, and she showed me what it means to be a strong woman- and a committed woman. Your marriage was solid- 53 years and Mom always took her duties seriously. She continues to take her duties seriously, always following up on your plans to be buried at Arlington. She wants everything to be perfect on your day. And they will be. I love you to the moon and back. Mom says "I miss you, Dick." We all do. Love, Jen, Mia, and Koi too <3

Hi Dad. It's Sunday. I miss you so much. I updated al three iphones. You would be proud! We're now on System 11.2, I think. I believe before your stroke, Apple was on 10.2 or some variation of that. System 10 has had a lot of issues- one "bug" after another. I know it would have driven you crazy! I saw how hard you used to work at learning how to text me. And you know what? You mastered it. You used to text me all the time. And you would call me, too. I'd give anything to hear your voice again. I love you so much. I'm not yet ready to check my iphones to see if you have any old voicemails on them. I think, when you were still with us, I may have deleted all of your messages, unknowingly. I did so, because I would feel so badly about missing your messages, or not being able to respond (come home) right away. I couldn't handle the guilt, so I deleted your messages, once I listened to them. I'm so normal, aren't I? (Don't answer that). I'm having so much trouble dealing with your loss. I know you were never a big therapy fan, but I am meeting with a "new" therapist tomorrow (the place I go to hired a new person). I hope this person will help me change my focus from regret and self-loathing to one of celebration and gratitude, when I think of you. But I have such a long journey. I love you, and the grief is just unbearable. I blame myself for everything- and I know you have forgiven me- because that's the kind of guy you have always been. You were always a big softie when it came to me and how stupid I am. I just told Koi's Dad what you used to tell me- that "being a Mom is the most important job you (me) can have." I cherished those wise words of advice, and I will always appreciate and feel such gratitude for the way you treated me for my entire life. You always supported me, even when my life was hitting rock bottom. You saved my life three years ago, and I wish so much I could have done more for you. I love you, Dad. You are an amazing person- and I will never ever

How could I almost forget Mom's candle for you? I didn't forget! I just had to get Koi out of the tub, and you know how long that takes. I love you more than anything, Dad. Mom does, too. Tomorrow begins another week without you in my life. I'm meeting with a therapist tomorrow- so maybe he/she will help me try to navigate life, as I am not doing a very good job at the moment. I am overcome with grief on an hourly basis. It comes and goes in intensity- from unbearable, to bearable (but intense). It's a miserable existence without you, Dad. I miss so much about you. Every single thing about life reminds me about you. I just wish I could have done more. I wonder what different decisions in your care I could have made- that would have prolonged your life, and would have given you a better quality of life. I think about this constantly. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I know you have forgiven me, but I don't think I will ever forgive myself. I love you so very much, Dad. Rest well. I will write you in the morning. I love you infinitely. Love, Jen/G Kat (and MK too) <3

Mom asked me to light another yellow candle for you. So I did. I wore your green and black North Face jacket today- Koi wore it, too (for a bit). I somehow feel closer to you when I wear it. It comforts me. The pain is still so new- so raw. I pray you are in a better place. Mom says you are always with us. I hope you are. Feel free to give me a sign if you are around. If not, it's okay, too. I love you so much, Dad. I'm staying true to my word, and I'm continuing to take care of Mom's administrative needs. The taxes are going to be challenging, but I'll get them done. I have to finish up the PoA's- because they got bounced back to me. But I will keep at it and get them finished. I love you, Dad. I hope you are in a place where you're still you, but you don't struggle to breath or remember things. It doesn't matter, though- because you were always perfect- just the way you were. You were my wonderful, perfect, kind, loving Dad. And I miss you so much, the pain will never go away. I love you.

It's been one month since you left this earth. It's been a really tough day- I feel awful complaining about it, when you were the one who was in so much pain for eight months. You fought so bravely and your will to live was there. Like Mom said, your body gave out well before your mind did. I was going through your emails, and I noticed one email that stuck in my mind. You emailed your cardiologist basically begging him for a follow up appointment. Also, he had mentioned that you needed to see Pulmonary, but that never happened. The VA also thought you needed to see Pulmonary- but that never happened, either (it was supposed to happen in December). So many questions unanswered. I do intend to get to the bottom of it all. You deserve that. You should not have had to wait almost 12 months for a Pulmonary appointment. So that's what I've been mourning today- among many other regrets. My main regret was just not telling you enough times how much I love you and how much you mean to me. I hope you know this- because you are my heart. Your memory suffered just a bit, so I pray that you know how much I love you- and how sorry I am for not doing better by you and your care. I should have brought in a specialist and insisted- in some way- that you receive PT as well. Noone wanted to give it to you, and in my opinion, they all have blood on their hands. Yes, I'm angry. But most of all, I'm heartbroken that I don't have my best friend around anymore. You were truly my everything, Dad. I love you so much. I miss you terribly. No day will ever go by where I don't think of you. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last when I lay down at night. You are my everything. And I love you to the moon and back. p.s. the IRS finally got back to me and finally granted the Power of Attorney, which means I can start to sit down and do your taxes for 2016. I promise you, I will get them done- and I'll also do 2017. Love you, Dad.

This weekend has been so hard. I know Mom no longer cooks the big Thanksgiving feast, but I can't help but think about the times when she did. How you and I used to compete for the chestnut dressing. Oh, and the white meat- and the fact that you used to think that the Turkey drumstick was the "best part" of the turkey- because "there are only two of them." We laughed and laughed how your family tricked you when you were a kid! I miss giving you a bad time about that- how you used to blush and say "okay, okay- enough now- pass the stuffing!" Boy, that chestnut stuffing was good. Mom said she was going to fix it this year for you- but don't worry- you didn't miss out. She was already starting to back out of cooking this year months ago. It's just too much work for her these days. I have to call the IRS tomorrow, as they bounced back my PoA for you and Mom. And now things have changed, with you no longer being with us, so I need direction. I'm not worried, because I used to deal with the IRS for a living, and once you get a hold of someone, they are very helpful. I will figure it out for Mom. Mom also wants to get her ID this week- her "new" ID. So I need to make an appt. at DEERS for her. I am saying all of this, so you know I will always keep my promise to you. I promise I will always take care of Mom, and you need not worry- ever. Your Survivorship document was a testament to how much you love your family- and care and worry about us. I love you so much, Dad. I miss you terribly. Koi is calling for me, so I will continue this tomorrow (I was never at a loss for words, was I?) I love you to the moon and back. -Jen or "G Kat" xoxo <3

Happy Thanksgiving, Dad. This gift is from Mom. When I asked "why a Bible, Mom?" She replied "He likes a Bible." We miss you so much. Today the only plan we have is to honor your memory and remember the good times when you were with us on this earth. Things will never be the same again, but we still have our memories of you. I'm finding out all kinds of things about myself, as I remember you, too. You were a great people-watcher. And I've found out that I am, too. So if we go out today- it'll only be to "people watch" and I'll be thinking of you and what you'd be thinking the whole time. I miss you so much, Dad. It hurts so much- I hope you are no longer in pain (excuse the cliche, but boy, you fought so hard after your stroke). You are one heck of a guy- and you'll always be my Hero.

The days go by, but it doesn't get any easier. The pain is unbearable. I'm just going through the motions, but life is not the same without you, nor will it ever be. You were (and are) a remarkable man, Dad. And I realize this more and more with each passing day. You're a wonderful, kind-hearted man who did everything for his family. I know this now. And I hope I expressed my gratitude for you when you were here. If not, I hope you can hear me now. I am forever grateful to you for doing so much for your family. I promise to keep plugging away, and I will try my best to make you proud. You deserve the best, Dad. I hope you're no longer in pain. You fought for eight long months because you knew your family needed you. I wish I could have done more- I just love you so much, Dad. And I miss you immeasurably. Heather put our picture under your hand- I believe it's the picture of us going to see the Star Wars sequel. I would give anything to have another minute with you. Rest well. We'll be lighting more candles tomorrow. Love you.

I know you prefer rainy days, but this ray of sunshine signifies hope. I hope you are in a better place, free from pain. I miss you terribly. Is it selfish to want you here on earth, in pain, as opposed to someplace else, a better place, pain-free? Of course it is! But I still miss you nonetheless. I'm going through all of your old emails. I'm so glad I saved all of them. They were rich with advice, and I regret not making more time for them when you sent them. But I will make time for them now. I will make sure to heed *all* of your advice and warnings, as you were the wisest person I knew. I love you so much, Dad. It hurts so much. You will always be my hero.

This candle is from Mom: "Love and miss you." I love and miss you too, Dad. Saturdays are always difficult for me. I play out our final day together and wish I could have done things differently. I know you are with me, though. You are everything to me.

You looked perfect today. Every single detail about you was perfection. I miss you already and Mom, Koi and I will see you at Arlington. I love and miss you immensely. You are my hero. -Jen

I know blue is your favorite color. There is not a day that goes by where I don't miss you terribly. I would give anything to see you again. I hope you are safe and well. I love you infinitely. xoxo (Big Kat)

This butterfly is from Koi. Remember- her favorite word is "pupa" and "chrysalis." She learned those from Wonder Pets, I think- and she loves butterflies. So she is sending you one and she says "love you, Grandpa!"

Your time was cut short because of the many sacrifices you made for our country. Your health suffered as a result, and my heart breaks knowing you should have had so much more time on this earth than you did. Noone is more appreciative of your sacrifices than I am (and Mom and Koi). We love you always and forever, Dad. I miss you so much.

RIP my brother, you will be missed. Jen, Koi and Mia, so sorry for your loss.

Hi, Dad. I miss you so much. I love you so much. Today was another very difficult day. There is no rhyme or reason for my difficult days, aside from the very real fact that I miss you terribly. Your passing has created a huge void in our lives and I know that I feel so empty. I am grateful you are not in pain, although I don't know how much pain you were in. I never talked to you about it, because I didn't want to focus on the negative when we were together. I kept hoping you would get stronger, and eventually, recover. I thought I was being realistic, and I still feel that your passing was not anticipated. I know you were sick, but I didn't think you would leave us so soon. I'm just feeling very empty and it's so very hard. I try not to make your life and your passing about me- for example, what would you have wanted? I don't know. I wish we would have talked more before your stroke. I have so many regrets. I'm grateful for the bond a Father and Daughter has, in addition to our friendship that we had in my adult years. But I wish so much I would have been strong enough to talk about the "tough" subjects with you. I am eternally grateful for your survivorship document- your roadmap was a Godsend. You always took care of us, and that never changed, even with your passing. I love you, Dad. I love you so very much. - Jen

The yellow candle is from Mom. I asked her today- "when you are married to someone for fifty-three years, and then you no longer have them in your life- how does that make you feel? Now that they're gone?" You know what Mom said? "Well, they're not gone. They become a piece of you- a piece of your heart. So I don't view Dad as gone- he is always with me. His body may not be here, but his spirit is." I have to admit, I was taken aback because Mom doesn't talk this way! Am I right? I was deeply moved by her words, and I would do better to have her sentiment and attitude about the circle of life. She also says she will be joining you soon. She doesn't know how soon, obviously, but she does believe that she will be seeing you again. I find that to be very comforting- and on that positive, loving note, I will say good night. Good night. Talk to you tomorrow. I love you, Dad. <3

Here is Mom's yellow candle. I think she too is relieved that the taxes are done. And the great thing about doing them so late? They're fresh in my mind for when 2018 (2017)'s comes around. I just have to wait for the 1099R's and the INT, which, I guess I can get from USAA at any time (and the social security stuff). Once they mail all of that, I can do your taxes the better way- over the Internet. Maybe I can upload the download, too (for reference) 😉 Anyhow, Mom was relieved today and she thanked me- so I wanted to let you know she was very polite and thanked me many many times for doing the taxes and switching some of the bills into her name (like Duke Energy and Town of Cary- oh and the HOA). You had recommended we do that in your Survivorship document, as it's a good way for her to start building her credit once again. So that's what we're going to do- just as you advised. Once again, I am reminded at how you have taken care of this family- again and again. Thank you- from the bottom of my heart. I'm still using and appreciating the gifts you left us with all of your help and advice. You are priceless. I miss you, and I love you infinitely. Jen

I'm so tired today- guess what, Dad? I finally finished yours and Mom's taxes. Yay! I know you thought it would never get done, but I did it- with lots of help from Turbotax. I uploaded your 2015- or should I say, downloaded it. I couldn't do the taxes off the Internet, because it's so late. So I had to purchase the software and then download it to my computer. Then I downloaded the prior year's return just for reference. You can't e file it, either, because it's so late. So I printed it all out- attached the 1099R's from OPM (still missing DFAS but we went to the IRS and they gave us an income transcript which should function the same) and Mom's INT 1099, I think. We owe a penalty for Fed taxes b/c they are late, but hopefully nothing with state. Fingers crossed. Anyhow, I wanted to tell you, because when you were sick- before you really got sick, you told me you had wished you filed your taxes. I wish so much I could have done it earlier, so as to put your mind at rest. However, I was so panicked about everything (you know me), I just couldn't concentrate- so I'm sorry about that. At least it's done for now. I also transferred most of the bills into Mom's name- and then I uploaded some documents that USAA wanted (for Mom's application for her umbrella policy) that proves NC state residency. So I scanned some bills that had her name in it (like the HOA). I am just so tired. I guess I didn't do that much, but I'm still tired. I have a doc appt. tomorrow. You call it the "nut" doctor- so I have to go and see my "nut" doctor 😉 I miss you, Dad. I miss everything about you. Mom says she sometimes thinks she can hear you in your mancave. Even though you're not here- you're here. You're in our hearts- always. I'm sorry if that sounds cheesy, but I love you so much. Koi is going on a field trip tomorrow (without me) to Chili's and then the Dollar Store. She should have fun! No plans this weekend- I'll be talking to you a lot, if that's ok. I love you so so so much. xoxo J

Here is Mom's candle. Mom worries in such a way that doesn't usually involve tears. She likes to remind me of all the things I need to do. However, when USAA called, she sure gave them a piece of her mind. They certainly are not the bank of 53 years ago. Mom had tears in her eyes when she was telling the twenty something rep about losing her husband of 53 years and them bothering her when you haven't yet been laid to rest. Not even an apology or a condolence- or anything. I know you're in heaven now, Dad. It doesn't matter that USAA is pure evil, but if you want to throw down some lightening their way, by all means... they deserve it. I love you, Dad. You have set the car so high- as a father, husband, grandfather, and human being. It's hard to even attempt to meet or get to know anyone who is as incredible as you are. I think I'd rather be alone and just live with your memories. I love you so much. Sleep well, Dawg. I love you infinitely. Jen

Hi, Dad. How are you? I thought I'd send something different tonight- a butterfly. Hopefully that signifies that you feel free now. Butterflies are just cool- ask Koi. She loves them. We miss you, Dad. Good news. I think I figured out the taxes. I found your Turbo Tax account- and even though I didn't have your password, I did reset the password to something new- and your login is still the same. I have your 1099R from OPM but not DFAS, but that's ok- because when we went to the IRS, they gave me an income transcript, and DFAS had to report your pension info- so I have a copy of that. I also found yours and Mom's SS info and her INT info- so I entered that all in, plugged in your dependent(s) that you claim (not that it matters, because pretty much everything is still less than the standard deduction), and viola. Taxes are almost done. I entered in the Hyundai and 2015 Subaru taxes paid- not the 2017 Subaru because we hadn't yet purchased it in 2016. Anyhow, I think I can send it tomorrow, but I'm going to review it one more time just to make sure it looks okay. And I'll do the same exact thing for next year's taxes, since Mom can file a joint return, like you said, one more year. I'll just wait for all the paperwork to be sent- the 1099R's and such. I don't know why I couldn't find the DFAS tax document, but it really doesn't matter, since they reported that info to the IRS and the IRS gave me a copy of it. I haven't done the state taxes, but I'm sure TurboTax will be a tremendous help. I know this is a huge relief for Mom. And USAA called/bugged us again today. They want us to switch the auto and umbrella policies over to just Mom's name. But Mom may not qualify for the umbrella policy on her own. Either way, we can hold onto the umbrella until 2019 under your name and the auto policy until 2018, although Mom's auto with me on it is actually less- so I think we'll definitely switch to an auto policy with Mom's name on it (and me as an occasional driver) and keep y

Here is Mom's yellow candle. I told you Mom was having a hard time the other day- but you don't need to worry. I promise I will honor what I promised you- and that is to take care of Mom (and Koi) and make sure they have everything they need. I'm still in the process of getting Mom set up with her pensions- one down and two (no, three) more to go. OPM takes a long long time, as does DFAS. And I won't even go into the VA and their wait times! But don't you worry, I will continue to follow up and make sure Mom is provided for. I will continue to be a good daughter to Mom in your honor (because hey, without your influence, I'm just rotten, right?) 🙂 I love you so much, Dad. I miss you, and the only thing I can do is to try and keep busy and just get through the days. The pain isn't getting any less, nor are the days I spend crying. But I just keep plugging away- hoping things will get easier. They aren't- but I do have moments where I can actually think about you and your memory w/o bursting into tears. Most of the time, I still do, though. I love you so very much- you were one in a bajillion. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. -Jen

Koi picked out this color candle to light on your behalf tonight. She is laying in her bed, and I'm on the floor right next to her, typing this. You'll be happy to know that me and Mom went to our appt. with the IRS today (they have a local office in Raleigh). It was very straightforward and he gave us the income transcripts that we needed in order to file. So, I'm going to attempt to do it first- and if I can't figure it out (import last year's info) then I will hire someone. Mom was relieved. But I will say yesterday she really burst into tears about you being in storage for so long. She worries about you, and she bottles it up inside in order to stay strong for me. But I know there is a lot on her mind, and she loves you so much. We are constantly thinking about you and talking about you. We miss you so much, Dad. I hope you are somewhere- somewhere in the ethers- and not in pain- but happy and waiting for me and Mom to join you. I love you, Dad. Thank you again for always taking care of us, even after your passing. Your survivorship document has helped me tremendously- you did it all. Thank you for being the kind of man, father, husband, and grandpa- that most men only dream of being. My Friend today told me if he could be 1/1000th of the man and father you were to our family, he would be a success. And I couldn't agree more- you were a devoted husband and father, and noone could ever come close to filling your shoes (not that we would want anyone to). They really broke the mold with you- and I will always always have wonderful memories of you. Like Mom said, you are always with me- you're in my heart. I love you. Love, Jen

Here is Mom's yellow candle. It's the same color every night- at least she is consistent, right? She misses you. It's starting to hit her, I think. She is very angry mixed with sadness. She cried so hard yesterday, and today she was so angry. I just do what she asks, and try not to cause too much trouble. I did make a major mistake and paid your HOA's monthly since April (and they were supposed to be quarterly). So basically we don't have to pay our HOA's until July of 2019. If we sell the house, we'll get a refund. But Mom was really po'ed at me for not figuring that out sooner. Oops. It's not like the money is gone- but you know how Mom is. But I"m trying. I can see you rolling your eyes in Heaven. It's okay- I deserve it. I love you so much, Dad. I'll write you tomorrow (of course), and I'll let you know how our IRS meeting went. I don't anticipate great things. But at least we're getting off the ground. And I'll continue to follow up with DFAS and OPM. OPM is super slow- they want 6 weeks just to mail the application! WE haven't received it yet alone have I filled it out. Of course Mom is fit to be tied, but that's the way the cookie crumbles, right? It's a good exercise in patience for both of us. I wish so much Mom and I were more patient with you- especially during the last eight months of your life. We were very impatient with you, and I am so very sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. I didn't understand so much. I didn't realize how things affected you, and how hard you were fighting. I just didn't know. And for that I am so so so sorry. One thing is for real, though- my love for you grows with each day, as does my appreciation for everything you did for your family. You really took your duties seriously- in an age when so few people do. I'm so honored to have spent my life with you and to call you my Father. You are one in a million, Dad. I love you so much. Night. xo Jen

Hi, Dad. Another day, missing you terribly. I had a somewhat productive day. I made some follow-up calls for Mom- I'm keeping my word and ensuring that Mom is taken care of, because *you* took care of her. I followed up with OPM, DFAS, and AFBA. Then, I called the IRS and had a crazy lady try to tell me off. Lol. It's ok- Mom and I... we're going to a local IRS office tomorrow to try and sort out what I'm supposed to do for 2016 and hopefully 2017, too. You don't need to worry. I've given you my word I'll take care of all the matters you used to so effortlessly take care of. You really took care of us all, and I am reminded of that each and every day when I need to do things in order to help Mom. It breaks my heart when I see a letter that is addressed "to the Est(ate) of Richard P. Owen." It's really unbearable, because it makes everything so real. The IRS letters I get say "the Est. of Richard P. Owen attn: Jennifer Owen." I don't think the PoA went through, but it's okay- because I have Mom around, she's going to come with me tomorrow and we will settle this once and for all. At least I'll know which documents to use- although I may end up hiring someone. I remember all of the deductions and claims you made, not to worry. And I know Mom can file another joint return next year (2017 that is)... it's all because you wrote it out on your survivorship document to me. I wish I could have thanked you personally. But just know you gave us such a gift by taking care of ALL of your matters. You outlined everything, and for that, I cannot express how grateful I am to you. You are my Everything, Dad. I miss you so much. I hear Koi snoring in the other room, so I'm going to join her. I miss emailing you- can you tell? I post on your wall, because I miss so much how we used to chat over email (even if we talked more "at" each other, and didn't always respond to each email). I saved every email you ever sent me. I used to tell myself that they would be like gold someday. And t

You are always my Guardian Angel. Always. I feel your presence with me all the time. You are my heart. I love you so much, Dad. You have been the best Father a daughter could ever want or ask for. You have been there fore me when noone else was. You've always supported me and you've never given up on me. I promise I will make you proud. I will work hard to be a strong person all around. And I will honor your memory and live the life you've always wanted me to have. I love you so much it hurts. Rest well. I'll write again tomorrow. I have to wake up in a few hours- Sunday nights are tough. I love you, Dad. <3 Jen/G Kat <3

Mom wanted me to tell you that she misses you. "Miss you and love you," were her exact words. She's never been very wordy, but you know what she has to say- she means. Today was another day. Another day w/o you in our lives (tangibly), but as always you are constantly in our hearts and minds. Everything reminds us of you- the weather, other people (well, mocking them), driving, the cold, what we eat, what we don't eat, what we think, how we think. You were (are) such a character. And as Annette said the other day- "our lives have been better for having you in it." So well put, I would say. I miss you, Dad. Mom instructed me to keep it short so I can put Koi to bed (whose sleep cycle is way off- again). But I did want to say thank you- again, for saving my life. I made so many poor choices as an adult, and you never gave up on me. You always believed in me, and you refused to give up. I promise I will try to do right by you and make you proud. I won't give up on me- because you didn't. I love you so much, Dad.

Mom wanted me to light a candle for you (yellow, again), Dad. Mom had a really bad moment earlier today. She was crying like I've never seen in my life. I'm sure she would never want me telling you! She was really upset/sad about having to wait until February to lay you to rest. She feels as if she is failing you. Of course, I told her that wasn't the case at all- you understand- and always understood- that there was a 3-6 month wait at Arlington. But she totally lost it today. I hope I was there for her. I was wrapped up with my own "noise" (as she calls it)- me regretting all the things I didn't do for you when you were home after you last hospital stay (the one where you only stayed a day and a half). I should have done more- and taken you back. You weren't ready to come home. But what is more important for Mom is that I try to move forward and focus on laying you to rest in peace. Right now, I'm not doing anything that would allow you rest in peace. So let me work on that, ok? I'm far from perfect- but I will try my best to do what you would want me to do. I love you so much, Dad. I know you know that. I miss you terribly. I'm up late again tonight b/c I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about you. You are always in my thoughts. Love, Jen (G Kat)

I'm just lighting Mom's candle for you, in your honor. We have our angels lit right now, with your picture in the middle (on the tonsu). I guess I should turn it off and try to get some sleep. I miss you terribly. When will it stop hurting. I hope you are in a good place. I pray that you are. It's still cold and rainy- you would be shivering. Everything reminds me of you. I just want the pain to go away. I love you, Dad. I miss you. I am having such a hard time dealing with the void- your presence fulfilled my life in such a beautiful way. I miss your Mac advice. There is a new system out and I haven't even updated our computers. You were my light- my beacon- my rock. I hope tomorrow I can focus on gratitude more and celebrate what a wonderful soul you are. Because you are. I miss you. Love, Jen (Mom, too, of course- and Koi).

Hi Dad- I'm having a really tough time tonight. I'm missing you so much. I miss everything about you- your smile, your laugh, your sense of humor. Annette (from the bakery) told me today- you touched so many people. So many peoples' lives were better for knowing you. She had tears in her eyes, and of course I nearly lost it (knowing me). I feel what she said- my life is so much better for knowing you. You left a profound influence on my life. I can't go one minute without thinking of you. Mom and I were talking about you today- it is icy cold and rainy- you would be freezing, and yet you would love this weather (because you would be able to stay at home and relax and try to keep warm with a cup of tea). We also talked about how you are the only person we've ever met who can drive on ice. We had some rain that almost turned to ice, and Mom and I were joking about how bad the drivers are here- and then I ended up (re) telling Mom the story when my high school friend got us stranded at a guy's house during an ice storm. Her father drove us to her home, and then you came and drove me home. I remember Old Keene Mill Road (and Rolling Road) being a solid sheet of ice- like an ice rink. I don't know how you did it. Back when I used to drive to the VA Hospital, sometimes I'd find a parallel parking spot, and Mom would comment "you drive like a man" (that was a compliment). I told her- it's because you taught me how to parallel park, just like you used to give me advice on driving on the ice (if you're sliding, turn into the direction you're going, as opposed to away from it- which is what, instinctively, most people do). You knew it all. The last of the Renaissance Men, you used to say. But it's true. You really knew it all- and did it all. I miss you, Dad. It's just so hard. It's hard to go on. I love you.

Here is Mom's yellow candle. She cleaned the house all day. Your hospital bed is still in the house, though. I can't bring myself to get rid of it, even though that never defined you. I spend a lot of time in your man cave. I've kept all of your mail, and I have it organized. I have all of your papers organized. And I'll eventually do the taxes as well. I think the IRS finally gave me Power of Attorney, although their letters to me are inconsistent. I'll figure it out- I can go to their office in Raleigh for help. I need to first make sure Mom's pensions are set up. I've done all the paperwork, but I just need to follow up and make sure they are being processed (or have been processed). Mom has been very tired and quiet lately. She is nervous about your internment ceremony, but I think she'll calm down once it happens. You know how she is. She worries about stupid stuff (unlike me, right?) I miss you so much, Dad. I'll write you tomorrow, as today has been so long. Chaperoning Koi's class is no joke. Koi didn't do so well today with the change in her schedule, so I'm pretty exhausted. You were always so good with Koi. Koi loved to go int your room when I wasn't around and talk to you and hang out with you. You both had such a special relationship. You were always so gentle with her. Noone will ever fill your shoes. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. xoxo Jen

Hi, Dad. Today was a long day. I was a chaperone for Koi's field trip to Disney on Ice. Nowadays, I don't even recognize Disney- but in the very beginning of the show, Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, and Donald made a brief appearance. Donald Duck will always always remind me of you! You turned me onto those old Disney cartoons, back when Donald didn't have anger management classes, and he was always pissed off. Such laughs with you- I can still see your sweet smile, laughing at cartoons that were made for anybody but kids. You gave me my wicked sense of humor- and I've become who I am because of you. I ran into your old friend, Annette, at the bakery this morning, too. Remember- you used to refer to her as the "good looking blonde" at the bakery- she's older- like 50's maybe, with big blue eyes and a southern draw. She took a long time off from working to care for her sick Father. Her Father recently died. I told her about you, and she burst into tears. WE hugged each other- she loved loved loved you. She loved your sense of humor and your wickedly cute smile. You are so loved- by people you don't even remember, I bet. And I receive an email from Dick Schenk today- he would like to come to your Internment ceremony, so I invited him. I hope you don't mind! He emails me and tells me stories about you two when you used to work together. He has a lot of respect for you- even though you both apparently disagreed on everything. That just shows what a stellar person you were. He said that even if you both disagreed on something, you would still implement whatever it is he wanted you to implement- and you would do so flawlessly. I love hearing stories about you- it makes me realize even more what an amazing human being you are. I miss you so much, Dad. It's still so very painful. I would give anything to have one more minute with you. I hope you are somewhere- somewhere close. You're always in my heart, as cheesy as that sounds. God, I love you so much. I miss you so much. Til tomo

Mom and I have purchased a lot of angel ornaments this year, in addition to the two crystal angels that surround your picture on the tonsu. You're our guardian angel, now. By the way, are you leaving the closet light on in Koi's room? I guess it's just me being forgetful. I wish so much you could give me a sign so I would know you're okay. I love you so much, Dad. I am still feeling all of the mistakes I've made and regrets I have during the last few months. I should have done so many other things to help you. It's hard to let go of the regret and self-loathing. I will try, though. I am trying so hard to be strong. Yesterday was a really sad day. Today was also sad. We ate at one of your favorite restaurants, and I couldn't handle it. Mom said you would want us to enjoy yourselves, but it's impossible for me to find pleasure in anything. (We went to Red Lobster, btw). I ended up just bringing everything home. I couldn't eat- because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I did order an "unsweet tea" and then proceeded to put sugar in it- just like you. But it was to overwhelming for me. You were so sick this year- and I feel so much guilt and self hatred when I eat- because you were unable to. I just feel like I could have done more for you. I could have comforted you more the last night we spent together. When you told me about your feelings- I tried to comfort you. But you know I hadn't slept the night before- because we were both in the ER. And I don't feel like I was a good friend to you- I could have done better. I hope you will one day forgive me. Maybe you could give me a sign? I promise you Mom and I aren't finished getting to the bottom of some of the reasons behind your illness. We want you to be laid to rest, but then we will press on and try to find out what happened. Also, I received a bunch of letters from the IRS. They have given me all of your tax transcripts, and then they send me a letter saying they can't give me your tax transcripts b/c I haven't sh

Mom wanted me to light a yellow candle for you today- and everyday. I'm sure your getting tired of yellow candles! It's her favorite color. We got these really nice angels- two of them. We put them on both sides of your picture- and the angels light up. They come with a battery powered light that simulates a candle burning (so it "flickers"). It's really beautiful, and it puts your sweet, cute face in the spotlight on our tonsu. The angels are crystal (probably plastic, but they look like crystal and they are a name brand, I just can't remember which brand- Lenox or Mikasa maybe?) And my favorite picture of you is framed (the one that is on your Renaissance page/wall- where you are in your dress blues and laughing- it was taken during my wedding ages ago, back in 2005). You were so tough- you had a triple bypass and got on a plane 5 weeks later so you could walk me down the aisle. You've always been my hero. Nancy wanted me to tell you that she, Kim, and "they boys" (Peyton and Drew) are all coming to your internment. Your old friend Dick Schenk also asked me when your internment was, because he would like to attend. You were (and are) so loved- by so many. Even going into "hiding" during your retirement- you can't escape the people who loved and cared for you. You were truly one in a million. We miss you so much, Dad. I love you.

Mom has instructed me to "always" light a yellow candle for you- from her. We talked about you a lot today. She misses you, too- you were our everything, our rock. It's hard going on without your presence. But as she said the other day, "I don't see him as gone- because his heart is with me." I thought that was so beautifully said (without trying- you know her perspective has always been different, and in this case, it was so eloquently said). I hope I too can work on cherishing the memories we had together, instead of focusing on the loss I am experiencing. I'm trying so hard not to be selfish. I love you so much, Dad. Mom loves you, too. Until tomorrow... xo

I'm lighting a blue candle today, because blue is our favorite color. People are getting ready for Thanksgiving, but nothing is the same without you. I know we didn't celebrate too much since Koi came along, but nonetheless, we sure did enjoy our Thanksgiving day spaghetti, didn't we?! I miss you terribly. Miss Monday (who I saw on a Tuesday) says "hello, Rick- and I miss you." And Justin from the bakery says "Hi Rick- I loved the advice you gave me- 'I remember the good ole days when if you didn't like someone, you could beat them up and drive away.'" You definitely made an impression on those you touched. That is for sure. I love you so much. It's not getting any easier, but I do take comfort in knowing your presence is somewhere around us. And Heather tells me she talks to you every time she goes into your room at Renaissance. I love you so much, Dad. I'll post something tonight, ok? I may take Koi ice skating again today. I love you infinitely.

This candle is from Mom (she likes yellow a lot, as you know). Her words? "Not too many words you can say, you know. I miss you, Dick." Mom has always been a woman of few words (unless she was mad lol). Love you, Dad.

I love and miss you, Dad. Your PCP called and wanted to wish her sincere condolences today. She said you were indeed a fighter and you fought long and hard until you were ready. I don't think you were ready- you had so much life left in you, but your body just gave out- much too soon. It's so painful to think about it. I love you infinitely and I promise I will honor your legacy. Much love, Jen

Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen

Mom says, "An-yun." I don't know what that means, but she wanted to give you her special message- and she says you know what that means. We love you so much. We will see you later this afternoon. We're bringing Koi, too. xoxo

Another yellow candle from Mom. She misses you. She's being the strong one in the family (big surprise, right?) She is staying very strong, but I do see her tear up when we talk about you and talk about good memories. It's just been so hard. You were our rock- our Fearless Leader. We miss you immensely. Love, Mom (and Jen)

This candle is from Mom- she says "I don't like any other color buy yellow- and tell Daddy I miss him." Mom misses you. We both miss you so much. Love you.

Green is my favorite color, Dad. I love and miss you. I know blue is your favorite color- I'm saving that special color for the weekend.

Miss you every day, Dad. I would give anything to see your smile again.

You'll always be my hero, Dad. I miss you terribly.

It's been one week since your passing, Dad- and it's only getting more and more difficult. Everything around us reminds me of you. But please take comfort in knowing that I will carry on and continue to care for Koi. And I will make sure Mom's affairs are in order. That is my promise and commitment to you. And we will continue to honor your memory. I love and miss you, Dad. Love, Jen

This Angel is from Mom- because we heard the angels were with you last Saturday and walked with you.

Today is Veteran's Day, Dad- we haven't stopped thinking of you, but today we continue to honor your memory and the many sacrifices you made for this Country and our family. Love and miss you so much, Dad. <3

A yellow candle from Mom. She really likes yellow, if you hadn't noticed. She misses you, as do I. Thanksgiving, even though we weren't much for tradition, won't be the same without you. It's just another day, right? It's still another day I wish you were here. Love you, Dad.

Mom is lighting another yellow candle for you- in your honor. She loves yellow- I hope you don't mind! She wanted me to tell you she misses you and she loves you. We all do <3

Finally- we have a day for you, Dad. February 15th- a day after your own Father passed away, is the day you will be laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery. Mom is a (little) relieved that there is now a date. She was very uneasy that there was no date and no timeline. Your special day will have full honors, which is why it is taking so long. But you earned every single honor by serving our Country and, inevitably, dying for our Country. I remember when you used to tell me that you had earned the 21 gun salute for your ceremony- but you have earned so much more than that- on Feb. 15th there will be a Chapel Service, a horse and carriage, pallbearers, a special liason who will assist Mom and myself with what to do/where to go, a flag and flag folding ceremony, an entire band, including a bugler, and I am sure there is more, but I am forgetting. The fact we now have a date is a relief for Mom, but it's bittersweet for me. I would just assume have you stay at Renaissance with Heather, because she tells me that she talks to you all the time. I'm comforted that you're not alone. I hope your spirit will always be close to us- and we will (in the near future) plan a move back to VA so we'll be close to you. Koi is in the tub (what else is new), so I need to cut this short. I know you already knew this, but I just wanted to let you know that we now know about when your special day will be. I miss you so much, Dad. The pain is still very raw and very real. Sometimes I doubt if I can go on without you in my life. You were truly my everything. I love you so much. Jen/G Kat

Today was another difficult day. I miss you so much, Dad. I keep thinking about your hospitalization and whether I could do anything more for you. I keep thinking about the decisions I made- and whether or not they were good ones. I should have pushed for more aggressive treatment. Everything was a constant battle. I know you had a joie de vivre and you wanted to live. Your body gave out way too soon and that is the part that is just gut wrenching. I miss you so much, Dad. Somedays, like today, it's just too unbearable to process. Let me just say good night- and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I love you infinitely. xoxo Jen/G Kat

Another yellow candle from Mom. She loves you and misses you (of course)... but she has never been a woman of many words. She does, however, always remind me to light a candle in your honor. So I know she misses you terribly. We'd give anything to see you again, but as I was crying (again) today, she told me that you are always around. I do hope and pray she's right. I love and miss you so much xoxo <3

Mom is not as verbose as I am. She is consistent, though. She told me to light a yellow candle for you- and so I do. She loves and misses you. Sleep well, Dad. I will write you in the morning. Love you to the moon and back....

Good night, Dad. I miss you so much. I'm again thinking about all of the things I could have done differently, this time- even before your stroke. I wish I would have rushed you to the doctor sooner. It weighs on me heavily, and I feel so destroyed that I didn't do more for you. I miss you so much, the pain in unbearable. Our whole family misses you, and it hurts to even talk about you (but we do anyway, all the time). Sometimes I talk about you in a cheerful way, because your memories are all good. Your sense of humor is infectious, and will forever be a part of me. But on the other hand, if I think about it too much, I become overcome with pain and guilt and heartache. I miss you- rest well up in Raleigh and I know Heather is keeping you company and talking to you. And your family (me, Mom, Koi, Nancy, and Kim- and maybe the boys too) will be with you when you are laid to rest in Arlington (Heather will be there, too). Sending you all the love in the world. I love you infinitely, Dad.... xoxo <3

Blue is my favorite color, like yours. Today was another difficult day. It started out okay, but it incrementally got more and more difficult, as everything reminds me of you. As Mom always tells me, "He wanted to live longer, but his body gave out." And it's true- even after your stroke, you still wanted to live. You had the will, and you fought to remember things, and you fought to regain skills with your iPhone that eluded you- and you did regain them, too. I hate that your body could not keep up with your mind and will to live. It breaks my heart, over and over, every single day. I keep replaying the last few days, and I keep wondering what I could have done differently. I'm just so sorry, and nothing I can say or do now will bring you back. I love you so very much, Dad. Life right now is unbearable without you. I love you and miss you. So much.

Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen

I'm sending you a hug, because I'd give anything to be able to hug you once more. I hugged you a lot at your viewing (I hope you didn't mind). There isn't a day- an hour- or a minute- that goes by, where I don't think about you and miss you. The pain is so real and so intense. You were my Everything, and I wish I really had the chance to let you know how much you meant to me. I hope you know. I also wanted to thank you again for taking care of your family, like you always did. The process of transitioning Mom to her own accounts and pensions has been a smooth one, thanks to your guidance- the Survivorship document you created for me/us. Even when you are not here, you continue to guide us and nurture us. I love you so much, Dad. Happy Thanksgiving. I hope there is chestnut stuffing where you are (there isn't any here). I love you to the moon and back. Talk to you tomorrow. Love, Jen

Sent a gift in memory of Richard Patrick Owen

DAD Those special memories of you Dad, will always bring a smile. If only I could have you back, for just a little while. Then we could it and talk again, just like we used to do. You always meant so very much, and always will do too. The fact that youre no longer here, will always bring me pain. Youre forever in my heart, until we meet again. Happy Father's Day, Dawg. I wish I could at the very least visit you. Soon, I promise. Hang tight- I take small comfort in knowing you are among your comrades. I love you to the moon and back. Love, Jen/Kat

Hi, Dad. I haven't written in awhile. The hardest part about losing you in November is that I have to relive it a week later on Veteran's Day. And then the holidays start- and I know how much you always loved Thanksgiving. You loved Christmas, too. You used to say "and let it be known that he/she always kept Christmas" every time you'd see someone joyously celebrating the holidays in almost a ridiculous way. You loved it. I don't want to do any of it anymore. I'm only going through the motions of life. I don't want to be here without you. It doesn't get easier at all. I'm remembering the night before you passed away, you woke up and you told me you were frightened. You called out Nancy's name. I told you that Nancy lives in Tennessee with Kim and her boys and you looked at me like you knew. I told you that you didn't need to be afraid because you are surrounded by your family- you are surrounded by people who love and care about you. You seemed placated- and little did I know I was doing just that- I was placating your fears. I was clueless. I had no idea that would be the last night you would spend on this earth. Your nurse, Colleen- told me that when you were trying to walk, right before you died- that you were trying to join the angels. They were calling you to join them. It's a strange thing for a nurse to say, but she told me that she saw angels around you about two weeks before you passed away. Are you with the angels? Are you mine? Sometimes the pain just hits me like a ton of bricks. They say that you need to "work through the pain" but I am still trying to understand what exactly that means. Why would you want to work "through" the pain? Does that mean you stop feeling pain? I don't know if I want to stop feeling pain. Pain is a sign that I am heartbroken and I miss you, and I can't ever see myself working "through" that. I'm sorry I didn't post on Veteran's Day. I thought of you all day, of course. I think of you all day, everyday. It just gets harder.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH, DAWG! Not a day or night goes by where I don't miss you terribly. You always hated lip service, so I'll spare you the tears. But I'm screaming and crying on the inside because you should still be here with us. MK is still in disbelief that you're gone. You should have been with us for at least a few more years. I don't think they cared for you at the VA and I don't think your doctor did right by you by encouraging you to get the pacemaker surgery. I hate myself for buying into their garbage and encouraging you to do it. I wish so much I would not have agreed with that crooked doctor in the ER. Do you remember that guy? He was two weeks away from retirement and told you to start "investing in your health." I'm just so angry and upset. Maybe I'm just going through another stage of grief, but I sure have been angry for awhile. I miss you so much, Dad. There is a huge hole in my heart and in my life without you. I go through the motions, and I no longer feel as if I'm truly living. I hope we will one day be reunited in Heaven. I love you to the moon and back, Kat. (p.s. you were right again- there's a huge pandemic going on. It's horrible)

Happy Father's Day, Dawg. I know you'd get a kick out of this card. It's almost worth paying for (note I said *almost*) Blue Mountain Arts ain't free anymore! And I don't see the cat who does the splits anymore! But I had to post this card on your wall, even though I'm not able to send it without a "membership" (money). I love you to the moon and back. https://www.bluemountain.com/ecards/fathers-day/up-up-and-away-famous-song-fathers-day/card-3468341

It would have been 55 years of marriage today. Happy Anniversary to my Angel in Heaven, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. It's so hard to even think about you not being here. I wish so much I would have spent more time with you; I wish I would have made more time to listen to your stories. You were right- I do miss you incredibly and I can't bring you back. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and miss you terribly. I love you forever. Love, G Kat

Dad- you were my hero- not just because of all your contributions to our Country, but because you sacrificed your retirement to help me care for my daughter, Koi, who has many special needs. You were a hero in every sense of the word, and my best friend. Your health had suffered since March, and we were all hoping, trying, and praying you would get stronger. The Dad of recent wasn't the Dad pre-March- but I love them both. You never lost your quick wit or your sense of humor. You made us all laugh until you took your last breath. You died in Mom's arms, and she will never forget the tender moment you shared as she wished you a nice journey into your next life. I will one day become strong again, but for now, I am relying on the compassion of others, your wonderful memories, and just knowing that Mom and I are doing everything possible to make sure you have a wonderful, special day at Arlington in the months to come. We picked a wonderful Funeral Home and they have been of invaluable help in assisting us with your special celebration of your life. I miss you, Dad- that will never change. I would give anything to have another hour with you. But I will fall back on the countless pictures and memories I have of you. Noone can take those from me, ever. I love you, Dawg! See you one day, ok? xoxo G Kat

In many respects, it seems like just yesterday, and in other respects, it seems like a lifetime ago. It's been a year since your Interment, and MK, Koi and I went to see you in Arlington. You look good, Dad. There was a giant hole next to your marker, and it freaked MK out. She flagged down a service person (driving a bulldozer) and asked them to help. They promised to fix the hole that day. Can you believe it? Because of Koi's IEP, I only got to see you for a short while on Friday- but when we returned on Saturday for another visit, the hole was fixed. Hooray, right? I'm really impressed with the folks at Arlington- they really do take care of things asap. I haven't written you in so long, because I just can't (don't want to) go "there" lately. It's just too painful to feel. I promised you that I would start writing again. I thought it used to help me process things, but it forces me to revisit that place, and it's just hard for me to cope. I do hope I have a change in heart. I need to commit and promise you that I will write you more often- and on a regular basis. I can sit here and give excuses, but I won't. I miss talking to you and I miss writing you. I promise to do better. I love you to the moon and back. Until tomorrow... Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. Arlington Cemetery was closed to the public today because of the snow. I hope you're okay. Tomorrow they are supposed to be open for services/funerals. That means there will be staff around, I hope. I'm actually quite impressed at how the cemetery is almost always open- they never take a day off (well, except for today). I don't know how many inches D.C. got, but I think it was a lot. It's supposed to snow in NC tomorrow, but I hope it doesn't. You know this area- they will shut down all the schools and every single place will be closed. Koi and I did nothing today b/c we slept too late. We are becoming night people during her track out, which is messing up our days. I'd like to get to bed soon (it's just midnight, which is early for us), and wake up no later than nine. If everything is shut down tomorrow, this will mess up my big "plans" to do stuff with Koi. Anyhow, enough about that. I miss you, Dad. I love and miss you so much. I think about you all the time, but I have stopped writing every day. I've stopped writing not because I'm feeling better and don't feel the need to write. On the contrary, I feel like I am getting worse, and it's too painful for me to confront my feelings on a daily basis. I'd rather watch mindless crap on YouTube and not think about my life without you. I love you to the moon and back. Oh, Nance wrote me tonight. I should write her back, too. I miss you Dawg. You're the best Dad in the Universe. I'm sorry I couldn't help you. You saved me, and I couldn't save you. I love you so much. Love, G Kat <3

Hi, Dad. I'm sorry I have not written in days. I'm sorry I forgot to post and "remind" you that Nance's birthday was the other day. I did wish her a Happy Birthday- not to worry. I know you used to joke about her birthday being so close to Christmas- giving her one glove for Christmas and the other glove for her birthday 😉 You are such a trip. I've been really overwhelmed with grief and sadness because you're not here. I've put off writing you, because I can't bear to face my emotions and put my thoughts into words. It's too much sometimes. I think about you all day, and when it comes time to write you, I just am at a loss. Call me chicken. I reached out for a second time to "you know" and I'm finally going to follow up with "you know" just like I vowed to... well myself (and you, too). I want them to be accountable. You'll see. Even if I fail, I don't care. Things will not be in vain. I'm going to make sure they are accountable. I love and miss you so much, Dad. Life isn't the same without you. I saw something on a show about when someone you love passes away- they take a piece of you with them. It's so true. I keep saying how I'm not myself, and it's so right on the money. I feel like you took a piece of me with you- a piece of my life. And I don't mean to make that sound bad- because it's not. I'm not the person I used to be- nor do I want to be. I love you to the moon and back, Dad. You are the best Dad in the Universe. Koi is starting to snore- so let me lay down with her. I love you so much, G Kat <3

Happy Birthday, Dawg. I can't believe it's almost been two years. Sometimes it seems like two days- or even two hours. I don't think I'll ever get over not having you here. Mom says she feels as if you've never left her- she feels your presence constantly. I try to. I try so much to keep your memory alive. I think I spend too much time sad and missing you, rather than focusing on the good times we had together. I'm going to try hard to celebrate your day tomorrow, instead of being sad and depressed. You were right- I do miss you. Terribly. And I regret so much all the times I wasn't kind or nice to you. I feel like words really do matter, and there is a lot I could have done differently. I have to live with that until I join you. I tried my very best once you became ill, but I also have regrets regarding your care- especially after you were discharged in August from the VA. I should have advocated more for them to help us with after care. When they refused, I should not have taken "no" for an answer. I should have paid for private care, until I could get the VA to see the err of their ways. I shoulda, coulda, woulda, as you would say. I will try my best to stay positive- at least for your birthday, ok? I will try to have a nice big piece of cake in your honor (Nancy's words- she says that every year... sigh). I want so much to see you again. I miss you so much, Dad. I love you to the moon and back. Please forgive me for not being kinder to you. I have so many regrets, but my love is everlasting. You are the best Dad in the Universe and I'll love you forever. Love, G Kat <3

https://www.legacy.com/obituaries/washingtonpost/obituary.aspx?n=richard-owen&pid=190652433